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at a breaking point...

amber&19amber&19
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in Catholic Weddings
What do you do when it feels like your wedding is turning to everyone's but yours? Everything is about money nowadays and its so discouraging. Money is tight on both my end and that of my fiance. His family has a farm to take care of and my family of six spends what we do have on my adorable 17 month old baby and payments on a new house. Don't get me wrong, I know how expensive weddings are and I'm so grateful for the help I have been getting so far. Extremely grateful, i should say. I have my wedding dress, which was free, my grandmother is doing my cake, and my aunts are all pitching in and helping buy little things here and there. My fiance and I have offered to pay for what we can but even that starts a fight. Money is tight for him because he recently was forced into buying a new car after a car accident that wasn't his fault, so now he's back into payments. money is tight for me because i'm in the process of finding a better part time job. going to school limits my choices and i'm not getting any hours at my current job. my fiance and I didn't even get to pick which church we were going to be married in. The problem is, my mother and I can't agree on ANYTHING. we used to be so close but after the wedding planning started all we do is fight....and sometimes its not even about the wedding! we seem to be drifting further and further apart when this is supposed to be a time when we get closer. i look around and i don't see anyone else having these problems with their mother. my parents seem very controlling to me and maybe its because of my age, i dont know. I'm the oldest out of four girls to get married....this isn't how i expected my engagement to go. This is supposed to be a happy time but it isn't and I just don't know why. They are angry that I'm not home on the weekends because I'm out spending time with my fiance. I can't seem to make them understand how important that little bit of time is to us....the time i spend with my family is important too though. There are times i want to move out but i can't support myself if i do and my fiance and i will not live together until we are married. i dont expect him to help find me a place and help pay for it because that's not fair to him and just something i do not expect from him. I'm up against a brick wall. I want to make everyone happy but nothing ever seems to work and life always gets in the way. i can't win for trying. i guess i want everything i can't have. can anyone help me? has anyone else out there experienced what i'm going through? I don't want to loose my relationship with my parents but I don't want them controlling everything either. Am I being selfish? Is there a better way to handle all this stress? I don't know how much more any of us can take.
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Re: at a breaking point...

  • newlyseliskinewlyseliski member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you're going through this!  To some degree, I experienced a distancing from my parents earlier in my relationship with my husband when we were dating.  I think it's a completely normal and natural thing for you both to want to spend time together and it's difficult for them to adjust to it if they haven't needed to make that change with any of your other sisters yet!  My family is super close-knit (I'm the oldest of 3 sisters) and introducing significant others into the mix threw off the balance a lot.  It took awhile for my husband and I to get my family to warm up to him and our relationship and by the time we were engaged and planning the wedding, things had improved drastically with my family relationship.

    I'd recommend trying to sit down and talk with your mom about the situation.  Pray with her first and try to understand what she may be feeling.  Let her know that you love her and you want to still be close to her... but you are beginning a new family soon and your relationship will be changing.  She may be getting really stressed out with the planning and have a difficulty allowing others to have control over the process... even though you're the bride!  Ask her if she would permit you to help out with any of the expenses or projects and if she would be willing to allow you and your fiance to have a little more input.  I think it's a fantastic thing that your family and extended family are coming together to help with your celebration, provided they still entrust you with decision-making!
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  • Zippy88kZippy88k member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I experienced much the same thing with my parents and especially mom. I've been married a month now, and things are slowly going back to normal, but it's hard to forget the difficult parts during the wedding planning. In my mom's case, she was balancing what she thought I should want with the expectations of our guests, and since my parents were paying for most of it, it got pretty touchy at times. People are having these issues, I promise. But we have these bridal movies in our heads where everything is supposed to go perfectly, we're supposed to get every heart's desire, and there are no issues over planning and deciding. That is not the case in real life. Planning a wedding is difficult, and it almost always brings up larger family issues. I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but hopefully it will help to just know that someone else (and likely many others) have gone through this before. 
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  • verdesiempre14verdesiempre14
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I, too, am sorry that you're going through such a tough time. I too, suggest you try talking with your mom - - but I wonder if it might be helpful to first start having these conversations with the assistance of a priest, or someone he recommends (maybe he'll recommend a counselor, or perhaps a wise grandma from the parish). 

    We're all going through much change and transition as we prepare for marriage.  And with every transition, there is always some form of loss (and wonderful blessings too, but I wonder if your mom is grieving some of those impending losses now).  Everyone experiences some form of loss in a transition, and your mom may grieving that you'll soon turn to your future husband for things you used to depend on her for.  Grandma may also be expecting to miss her beautiful 17-month old grandchild bringing joy to her day, and she might miss being so close for all the childhood milestone he/she will experience without being surely there at that very moment to see it.

    I was particularly touched by your comment on how this engagement period might not be as wonderful as you would imagine it to be, and no one seems to have these similar struggles.  Please remember that online and in real life, people share only what they choose to share.  There are TONS of people out there experiencing tough, tough times but carry on in public with a smile and no one would believe they have any stress.  I am truly not judging anyone who keeps anything hidden - - God knows I have had enough times in my own life where I've put on a smile and hidden my troubles - - I just want you to know that your troubles are far more common than you could imagine.

    That said, you shoudn't have to go through them alone.  I really encourage you to talk to your priest, a contact from your marriage prep program, or any trusted adult that could be an un-biased, un-swayed third party to support you and your family.

    Best wishes to you
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