Traditions are offensive

kakashi_12 · April 2010

This particular one is sexist. The fact that the wedding is all about the bride. It's his day too.

I'm trying to convince the preist to have the guests stand for myself (the groom). Not just the bride. For some reason, he's not buying. He gave me a couple other options. One was for us to walk down the isle together and have them stand for us both. But I like the idea of the father handing her off to me. I would just like shown some respect too though.

If we decide to get married outside of a church, does that mean she won't recieve her sacrament?

Is there any other guy out there that feels the same that can support me on this?

526SadieSadie · April 2010

the symbolism of a father handing his daugther off to her husband is sexist. It's like "I don't have to support this girl anymore, it is now your job" if you're so concerned about equality, you'd see that, too.

kristend72 · April 2010

I'm a bit skeptical of this one, too. Really? The poster thinks it's sexist that people don't stand for the groom but he's into the bride being handed off like a cow that he just bought? Honestly, if I were this bride's friend, I'd tell her to run. If the post was genuine. But it almost sounds to me like whoever was just trying to jack people up.

But, on the off chance that the original poster just came off wrong, I would suggest meeting the bride halfway down the aisle and walking the rest of the way together.

lharri12 · April 2010

If he were really concerned about sexism, he would be opposed to having his bride "handed off" to him. It is clear to me that he is a narcissist and cannot stand the idea of not getting attention. Sexism seems like a convenient excuse, though.

mswood1977 · April 2010

For our wedding mass the priest and altar servers are processing in (like a regular mass) and my FI and his parents are walking in behind them, then we will start the processional for my bridesmaids followed by me and my father. With this option everyone stands from the begning (so they are standing when the groom comes in). Ask your priest if this would be an option for your wedding.

preciosa4 · April 2010

Actually, the point of the wedding is NOT about getting attention or respect from anybody. It is about your promise to each other, which is witnessed by those close to you.

I respect your goal of gender equality, but I have to admit that this seems like an awfully strange place for righteous indignation. Women and men are often treated differently, that is true. That is not the same as inequality. We can show respect for each other in different ways. No one is viewing you with disrespect if you adhere to this particular tradition. Your dignity can remain intact. Enjoy the sight of your bride walking down the aisle to you, and let the rest go.

PixieChinchilla · April 2010

It's not a bad thing that you, as the groom, care about the wedding as well. I love it when my FI wants to get involved in planning, or help me make choices, but the reason that weddings tend to be "all about the bride" is because, generally speaking, the guys don't usually care as much about the little details. I'm making a generalization, of course, because there are always exceptions to the rule. Yes, my FI does like to be involved with some of the stuff, but the majority of the time, he tells me to choose whatever I'd like, because all he cares about is being married to me, and all of the details are to make me happy. Every person is different, but this is a pretty normal groom response, which is why weddings tend to be focused on the bride.

If you care, more power to you, but keep in mind just like it is not only her day, it is not only your day. You two need to be planning these things together, and finding compromises that you both can be happy with. It's just as important for her to be happy about the ceremony as it is for you to be happy about it.

lharri12 · April 2010

Really? I'm the only one who thinks the guy just wants to be the center of attention? Whatever his motivation, it clearly isn't sexism....

megk8oz · April 2010

I'm stepping back in, because something has been bugging me this whole time.

You're all mad that people stand for the bride and nobody stands for the groom, and you basically want people to stand for you. You make it sound like you can actually control what the people at your ceremony are doing.

But the thing is, I've been to a lot of weddings, all types of ceremonies (Including Catholic), and not once was it announced "Please stand for the bride" or something along those lines. People just heard the music change and stood on their own. So what makes you think if you give yourself a fancy processional and have the "hand off" from her father that people are going to stand for you?

I mean, I'm not trying to be a jerk (Even though I personally think you sound like a complete hypocrite), but I mean, unless the bride is walking in with you, most likely the only way you're getting people to stand is if you actually have somebody announce "Ok people, the groom is coming, and he wants some respect, so get off your butts!". And if you make said announcement for you and not the bride when it's her turn (Which I have a feeling you wouldn't see the need to do), I assure you, people are going to think it's incredibly weird, and probably figure you have some type of ego issue.

maratea · April 2010

So then my wedding's not legit because no one stood for H or me??

My friend and her H did this at their wedding:
H's parents walk up aisle, followed by H. Bride's parents walk up, followed by bride. B&G join hands, then placed their free hand in their respective parents' palms. Then the parents took the B&G's hands and joined them (B&G hands), thus completing the circle (B&G have both hands joined now, do this make sense?). All 3 families were at the altar together for a moment, but each family had been distinguished, and the B&G were the new family.

wallyandkristin · April 2010

process the jewish way and walk with your parents and she can walk with hers. I love that set up

jennylove810 · April 2010

Honestly groom, get over it. For real.

People stand up when the bride walks in. Otherwise, there's nothing that's really 'bride specific,' meaning you'll say your vows together, walk out of the church together, get pictures together, dance together, cut cake together, blah blah blah.

Untwist your manties over the fact that people will stand when she walks in.

Sarah&Nick0530 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_traditions-offensive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:970856e7-e2d7-42f8-bb3d-b6d8da2f28caPost:ae732ecd-097d-4566-b3f8-46428c779f4d">Re: Traditions are offensive</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly groom, get over it. For real. People stand up when the bride walks in. Otherwise, there's nothing that's really 'bride specific,' meaning you'll say your vows together, walk out of the church together, get pictures together, dance together, cut cake together, blah blah blah. Untwist your manties over the fact that people will stand when she walks in.
Posted by jennylove810[/QUOTE]

This. Almost everything in a wedding is shared, but you can't make everything in life go "one for you, one for me". That's grade school. How are you gonna work it when/if she gets pregnant?

Nukke · April 2010

To me, it doesn't even sound like you care about whether or not things are "sexist" for your bride. You only care about yourself. You are hiding behind the word "sexism" when you should really admit that you want all sorts of attention on yourself. You're jealous of the attention your not getting.

Me me me me me!

If you were really into the "equality" thing, you'd be against the hand off, and would be all for walking down the aisle together with your future wife. Whats more, you'd be working TOGETHER with your future wife, considering both of your wishes instead of being happy she bends to yours.

starryskies407 · April 2010

For myself and many of my friends, our favorite part of weddings and the brides entrance is to watch the groom! I take a look at the bride to see her dress, but I always turn to look at the groom to watch his reaction at seeing his beautiful bride! So....I wouldnt just assume that all the attention is going to the bride...I can guarantee a lot of people will also be looking at you.

luckynutmeg · April 2010

I don't see why you also wouldn't be the center of attention. When my brother got married, I kept my eyes on him the whole time. He was who was important to me that day (not that my SIL isn't an important part of my life, too).
I am having my father walk me down the aisle. I don't see it as sexist because I didn't assume he would or because it's "tradition"- I asked him to do it and I want him to do it. We will be providing support to one another on an emotional day. He is not "handing me off" to my FI. He is spending one last moment next to me as I finish my life of singledom.

MISSCOURTNEY20 · April 2010

I think the sexist comment may have bit you in the butt. IMO this has nothing to do with something being sexist but EVERYTHING with you being in the spotlight and being jealous that your FW will be. As a man, why don't you want her to be in the spotlight?? Why do you need people to look at you too?? I feel sorry for your FW. Are you going to want a bed and an IV when she gives birth?? SMH!!!!

genahubbard · April 2010

[QUOTE]I agree, many priests are actually recommending to couples that they walk down the isle together.
Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

Our preist did! He even went as far as mentioning that l-o-o-o-o-ng ago a bride & groom actually greeted their guests at the church before they got married. He also said that the tradition of not seeing eachother beforehand is quite silly. Of course you know eachother-you're getting MARRIED! lol

luckyme502 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_traditions-offensive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:970856e7-e2d7-42f8-bb3d-b6d8da2f28caPost:1a2955ff-9024-46c3-a278-f4d31d5ade4b">Re: Traditions are offensive</a>:
[QUOTE]Really? I'm the only one who thinks the guy just wants to be the center of attention? Whatever his motivation, it clearly isn't sexism....
Posted by lharri12[/QUOTE]

This is what I was thinking! Instead of a Bridezilla, it's a Groomzilla! It's his day!!!!!!!!!!

RandiLakin · April 2010

I agree with wallyandkristin. I have also been thinking about doing a jewish processional, i think its very unique and touching.
Groom if you want it to be equal, why dont you have both sets of parents bless the union when the father gives her away. Priest says, "who blesses this marriage?" Both parents say "we do" then sit.
Also if you like the idea of the "hand off" but want attention, why dont you have her meet you half way down the aisle and you walk her half way, i've seen it done and it doesn't look bad, plus they will BE STANDING!!!!

Also, i do not understand you guys saying the hand off is sexist or the bride walking to him?? My take: The groom takes the plunge and asks for her hand in marriage, he is the one who waits for her answer. Bride is now taking the leap and walking down the aisle to say her i do's. Its like the equivelant. I have always seen the Father as giving his daughter away as protector and guardian, not sexist. Father was the one who is the "rock in her life" her protector, the one who in most cases provides for family, most of the time pays for the wedding...so he is relinquishing his role, she now has a new "rock", starting a new family.

adrenalin939 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_traditions-offensive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:970856e7-e2d7-42f8-bb3d-b6d8da2f28caPost:e3aab950-0825-4853-b956-3512b3016a7c">Re: Traditions are offensive</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>there is no point in having a wedding if you're not going to be recognized.</strong> if you aren't going to have others celebrate with you. that's what i'm saying. we could still get married without the wedding, then it wouldnt be an issue at all. She thinks... She wants to stay at that church. She doesn't even want people standing for her. She doesn't like attention. But she thinks it's a little weird that I want people standing for me. Yet she said she'll do it for me to make me happy. Which is good. And yes, it's what I want. It's one of my values... for men and women to be equal. No there is not more to the story. It's simple... KISS.
Posted by kakashi_12[/QUOTE]

actually there is a point... it's called being in love. I really don't understand where you are coming from, sorry. Just take away everyone's seats and then they can stand the whole time and "recognize" you constantly.

Jenabenna · May 2010

I think it more depends on what he wants. My husband was picky about some things and one of them was the fact he wanted to be at the front and watch me walk to him in my dress for the first time.

My minister actually originally didn't have the hand off in the program. BUT I knew my dad would not be happy if that was not in there so I made it a point to add it in. My dad almost had a fit because I didn't walk down the aisle to the traditional song. But in the end it is your wedding you can do whatever you want.

MillerBride11 · May 2010

I have to agree on some level that you seem selfish. And you kind of contradicting when you say it's sexist that they wont stand for you, only for her but yet you like the idea of her being ''handed'' to you. If it is that big of a deal why dont you meet her at the bottom of the isle and walk together that way you get your moment too. And the wedding is not about how people respect you or view you, it is about inviting everyone to come and witness the celebration of you and your B2B to pledge your love for eachother and make a vow. did your priest give a reason why he wouldn't go with the idea? You should really re think about that.

mizri · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_traditions-offensive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:970856e7-e2d7-42f8-bb3d-b6d8da2f28caPost:93c13f25-bad8-4aca-9b95-4a91482c55c9">Re: Traditions are offensive</a>:
[QUOTE] I have always seen the Father as giving his daughter away as protector and guardian, not sexist. Father was the one who is the "rock in her life" her protector, the one who in most cases provides for family, most of the time pays for the wedding...so he is relinquishing his role, she now has a new "rock", starting a new family.
Posted by RandiLakin[/QUOTE]

<div>I like this way of looking at it.</div>

Nichole00 · May 2010

I'm sorry but you really need to understand that although the day is about getting married even though she says she doesn't care if the spotlight is on her, she does care. Every little girls dreams about walking down the aisle and having everyone stare at her because she's the most beautiful person in the room. And you better make sure she and her dad are okay if you decide to not do the traditional father-bride hand off. To me, that is not even an option. I don't think of it as sexist. To me, it is my dad giving approval to my F on the biggest day of my life. The two most important men in my life. It only symbolizes what you want it to symbolize and I don't look at is as sexist because to me it doesn't mean my dad is just handing over support. Especially since I've been supporting myself for a while now.

And I also have to agree, no one is going to know to stand for you unless you tell them to, and if you ask for it, people are going to thank its weird. But you could consider walking down the aisle in ways that some have recommended and maybe placing in the program for people to stand under your name...

And I also agree with another comment on here, when the bride walks down that aisle there will be plenty of people looking to see your reaction to her.

shinxy · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_traditions-offensive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:970856e7-e2d7-42f8-bb3d-b6d8da2f28caPost:98f011ff-fbdb-4bae-8222-7de2846ba86d">Re: Traditions are offensive</a>:
[QUOTE]If he were really concerned about sexism, he would be opposed to having his bride "handed off" to him. It is clear to me that he is a narcissist and cannot stand the idea of not getting attention. Sexism seems like a convenient excuse, though.
Posted by lharri12[/QUOTE]

YES. Couldn't agree more. He's opposed to the sexist but respectful tradition to stand for the bride, and yet not the offensive, degrading and sexist tradition to have her given away.

Traditions are offensive

Re: Traditions are offensive

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