"Settling?"

curiousgeorgette · July 2012

I know you folks won't be able to help out too much, but I would appreciate some advice from some outside parties. I am sorry if this is too long or rambling.

My fiance and I have been together about 2 years and are planning a wedding for early next year. I've only had one previous serious relationship, and was single for about 4 years before meeting my fiance.

I feel like I fight with my fiance much more than I did in the previous relationship, but it's hard for me to evaluate because it was 4 years ago and I'm afraid I'm inclined to see that relationship through rose-colored glasses. My fiance and I have gotten much better about the way we argue -- we've talked about being respectful, not interrupting each other, and giving each other space when we need it. We've also identified specific things that we do that set each other off and try not to do them (for example, for awhile I was bringing up by ex-boyfriend a lot, until I realized how destructive that was). In that sense we've gotten much better than we used to be.

But there are still certain things that seem to come up over and over again than I am not sure we are ever going to resolve, and the closer we get to our wedding the more I worry about these things. He has an extremely short temper and is easily set off. I don't have the best self-esteem and I tend toward depression and anxiety. I hate his temper and he has doesn't like that I get weepy and has very little patience with me when I'm sad or anxious.

I know he really cares about me and that he would NEVER cheat on me. He tells me frequently how happy he is to be with me and how he doesn't care at all about the wedding -- he just wants to be with me and married to me. He has gotten much better about outwardly expressing his appreciation of me when I cook for him or clean up as well, which was something I asked him to do.

But we do still get into terrible flights, and last weekend we had a horrible argument that lasted the whole weekend. I had been having a rough few weeks with someone at work, and had been coming home really frustrated and upset about the situation. I was careful not to take it out on him because I have done that before and I know it's not fair, but I was still pretty negative and unpleasant in general and I knew it. I worked out the issue at work, though, and had been much happier up until the argument. The argument started when he snapped and told me how immature I was and how I needed to learn to deal with stress better, and how unpleasant I had been and how hard it was for him to be around someone who was unhappy all the time, and how he never comes home and "dumps things at my feet."

He later admitted that it wasn't really fair of him to lash out at me like that, but I was still really hurt about it. I know that I wasn't that pleasant, but I HAD dealt with the sitaution at work and HAD been doing much better. It really made me feel like I couldn't count on him -- it WAS a difficult situation, and I WAS very upset and stressed about it, and it really bothers me to think that he was just judging me and holding it against me that I was coming home and telling him about it. I asked him if I just needed to find someone to confide in if it was too much for him, and he said no, that it was wrong of him to say all of that and that he was sorry. But I still feel like I can't completely trust him because I don't know when he'll snap again.

The closer we get to the wedding, the more I find myself feeling down and worrying about us. I can't tell if it's just my anxiety, which does get in the way, or if I should be legitimately concerned. Sometimes I feel like I'm just "settling" because I have low self-esteem and I'm afraid of being alone. Other times feel like I'm being unfair, expecting a fantasy relationship with no problems (which I know doesn't exist) and not seeing all of the good things about him. And other times I feel like I'm letting my own problems get in the way of our relationship.

Anyway, I'm not really sure what I'm looking for -- maybe just some thoughts from others who have had similar problems? Or to know how these issues come across to an outsider. Any help you can give me would be wonderful -- thank you!

dewingedpixie · July 2012

Have you considered couples counceling?

I think you both have big communication issues and you also have communication differences which are not helping things. Sometimes its ok to be opposites on disposition but only if you two can communicate well and effectively. I think a counselor could help you get there since you've come this far on your own.

My exhusband and I fought like cats anddogs we were just far to different. My current situation we are polar opposites in disposition but identical in personality it works great. We have tiffs but we dont fight we discuss things or just let the little crap slide. We communicate very well and thats why we can just ignore the stupid insensitive crap that sometimes slips out. I know he doesnt mean it the way I took it or that he's messing with me, he likewise knows the same. We can have that in our relationship because we have a lot of respect for each other. It sounds like you two have hurt each other a lot and are just rebuilding respect which means its easy to be defensive on both sides. Again a counselor can help this.

Bottom line is this I think you two really do love each other, but your both hurt not just from this but from your pasts. I think you communicate differently and also not well. I think an outside source can work you through these differences and issues together if you're both willing to do this which it sounds like you are. I think if you dont do this it will be much harder though, and it could even tear you appart. No relationship is all skittles and rainbows but know that you also have a choice when the storm comes to dance in the rain and use that rain to grow or to be angry about the rain and see just destruction. In a good relationship the storms are few and though they can hurt they ultimately help you grow. I think you do have that potential since it sounds like things have gotten better, you just need help to get to that final point quicker.

Good luck. Remember good love is hard to find and so is respect. I think the fact that you've come as far as you have shows you have both. You should fight for that

.

HobokensFury · July 2012

I would suggest counseling. If you are already having doubts getting married will make it worse.

GoodLuckBear14 · July 2012

If there were ever two people in need of counseling, it is the two of you. Your low self esteem + his short temper = disaster. Sorry to be blunt but this is a combination that can turn emotionally abusive if it hasn't already.

Anyone who has been married for a while will tell you truthfully that love is not enough to make a marriage work. Communication is the biggest part.

dewingedpixie · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_settling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:97600fb5-5df6-4503-aed1-fe4c77e65e24Post:fa135c49-bc65-4621-99ef-2c98f6af0840">Re: "Settling?"</a>:
[QUOTE]If there were ever two people in need of counseling, it is the two of you. Your low self esteem + his short temper = disaster. Sorry to be blunt but this is a combination that can turn emotionally abusive if it hasn't already. Anyone who has been married for a while will tell you truthfully that love is not enough to make a marriage work. Communication is the biggest part.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

100% this!

curiousgeorgette · July 2012

Thank you for the comments. I get confused because I feel like the relationship shouldn't be this hard this early on. But then he tells me this is the easiest relationship he has ever been in, and it upsets him because he thinks if he can't make it work with me then he will never have a successful relationship with anyone. I almost can't help but feel like if we need counseling already then we just shouldn't bother getting married at all and we'd be better off with other people.

On the other hand -- I love his family and his parents have a long successful marriage, which reassures me. I also love his friends, which I think says something about the kind of person he is and how we get along. My parents don't know him well at all but they like him because I have seemed much happier to them since I started dating (though I don't know if that is just because I found a good psychologist around the same time, or if I was just happy that someone was interested in me after years of rejection).

I know he will not break up with me and the weight of having to decide whether or not to break up with him is crushing me. I can't decide if it's all in my head or not and the more I think about it the worse off I am . . .

Summer2011Bride · July 2012

I would also suggest counseling; I feel like some people (no one who has posted here, just a general "some people") always suggest counseling as a fix-it to everything, which isn't necessarily the case. However reading what you have written, I think you two would benefit so much from it.

If you are considering breaking up with him as you just posted, I definitely don't think you should be getting married, at least not until some of these issues have been resolved. Counseling can be helpful for that. It sounds like the two of you aren't communicating effectively, which as others have mentioned, is the basis of a good marriage. You can care about each other a lot, but if you can't communicate well, it's not going to work out very well in the end. Good luck!

nextrightthing · July 2012

I agree with the posters about counseling, perhaps separately and apart. Your communication may need work, but I'm also wondering how much of this is caused by the depression, anxiety, and self esteem issues you said you have. I know from experience that depression and anxiety, left untreated, can make any relationship very difficult. It is so cliche but so true that you can't have a happy relationship if you aren't happy with yourself first. The self esteem issues you have, and the depression and anxiety, can't be fixed by anything he says or does. That's an inside job. I think when you feel better about yourself, you will be in a healthier place to make a clear-headed decision about the rest of your life.

I have dealt with depression myself, and I know that if I am not doing what I need to do to take care of myself (for example, working out, maintaining relationships with girlfriends, etc), it is hard for FI to deal with my grouchiness. I will want him to say the magic words to make me feel better, when really the only person who can make me feel better is me. Does that make sense?

Also, it might be helpful not to compare your relationship to past relationships. Every relationship is different, and it is so easy to idealize the past by choosing to remember only certain things. I had this habit in previous relationships before FI, and I've learned to remind myself I broke up with those guys for a reason.

All that being said, if you are continually having a bad gut-feeling about marrying this guy, you need to pay attention to your gut. I think pre-wedding jitters are normal, but there is a difference between pre-wedding jitters and just a terrible knot in your stomach. I was engaged when I was in my early 20's (29 now), and I remember that feeling very well. I kept trying to talk myself out of it because we had a wedding planned and had made a life together, but in the end I couldn't ignore the gut feeling, so I walked away. While it was a tough decision to make, and it was a very tough decision to follow through on, it was one of the BEST decisions I ever made, and I'm so glad I trusted my intuition. If you try counseling and working on yourself, and you still have the thought in the back of your head that you are settling, don't get married.

Best of luck to you.

Summer2011Bride · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_settling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:97600fb5-5df6-4503-aed1-fe4c77e65e24Post:5226b9fc-d433-4d83-8fea-617f266b295e">Re: "Settling?"</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm one of those who thinks that everyone should do premarital counseling, whether or not they're having troubles - no couple is perfect and marriage is the long haul, so every couple is sure to come across issues at some point. It will help you figure out weaknesses and strenghs. In your case, OP, it should also help you figure out your relationship and whether you really should be getting married. I don't think that premarital counseling is a magical salve or the end-all be-all, but I do think that it helps couples learn about themselves. OP, you may find out that you are "settling," as you put it, or that you aren't really as compatible as you hope. You may also find out that you're souldmates and a few tweaks to how you communicate are what you need to get back on track. A place where the two of you can work through and on your relationship is a good place to figure out where you stand. Good luck!
Posted by Schatzi13[/QUOTE]

I think that pre-martial counseling is good as well. For me, I differentiate between pre-marital counseling and couples/marriage counseling. Since they aren't yet married, I guess what they would attend could be called pre-marital counseling, but I think in general, the two are different. I see pre-marital counseling as sort of a preventative, if you will. A good thing for couples to do before marrying to talk about the big issues and make sure they're on the same page, etc.

I think if you are already having issues in your relationship, the counseling will be more focused on that and as a PP stated, individual counseling in addition to couples counseling might be helpful. So I kind of see them as two different things.

GoodLuckBear14 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_settling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:97600fb5-5df6-4503-aed1-fe4c77e65e24Post:69128c20-6b5d-490a-a3ed-cd799703e718">Re: "Settling?"</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for the comments. I get confused because I feel like the relationship shouldn't be this hard this early on. But then he tells me this is the easiest relationship he has ever been in, and it upsets him because he thinks if he can't make it work with me then he will never have a successful relationship with anyone. I almost can't help but feel like if we need counseling already then we just shouldn't bother getting married at all and we'd be better off with other people. On the other hand -- I love his family and his parents have a long successful marriage, which reassures me. I also love his friends, which I think says something about the kind of person he is and how we get along. My parents don't know him well at all but they like him because I have seemed much happier to them since I started dating (though I don't know if that is just because I found a good psychologist around the same time, or if I was just happy that someone was interested in me after years of rejection). I know he will not break up with me and the weight of having to decide whether or not to break up with him is crushing me. I can't decide if it's all in my head or not and the more I think about it the worse off I am . . .
Posted by curiousgeorgette[/QUOTE]

It's not your responsibility to make this work because "he thinks if he can't make it work with me then he will never have a successful relationship with anyone." In fact, that's pretty damn insulting. Your gut instinct is there for a reason. These instincts are rarely wrong and from what you've told us, your FI has A LOT of issues of his own that he needs to work through before he even thinks of committing himself to marriage.

That he says "this is the easiest relationship he has ever been in" is a gigantic red flag to me. Either he was dating women who were 100% incompatible with him or you don't argue with him and he controls all of the decisions.. I will admit that my relationship with DH is the easiest one I've ever been in but we had broken up for a few years, dated other people, did a lot of changing on our own and then found our way back to eachother. Neither one of us was the same person we had dated the first time around.

Marrying someone because you know he will never leave you after years of rejection is not a reason to marry someone. Keep talking to your psychologist and tell him (don't suggest, tell him) that he needs to start seeing one of his own or go to couples counseling with you. There are too many red flags not to do this and the biggest one waving in the wind is the one coming from inside of you.

Lisa50 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_settling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:97600fb5-5df6-4503-aed1-fe4c77e65e24Post:69128c20-6b5d-490a-a3ed-cd799703e718">Re: "Settling?"</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for the comments. I get confused because I feel like the relationship shouldn't be this hard this early on. But then he tells me this is the easiest relationship he has ever been in, and it upsets him because he thinks if he can't make it work with me then he will never have a successful relationship with anyone. I almost can't help but feel like if we need counseling already then we just shouldn't bother getting married at all and we'd be better off with other people. On the other hand -- I love his family and his parents have a long successful marriage, which reassures me. I also love his friends, which I think says something about the kind of person he is and how we get along. My parents don't know him well at all but they like him because I have seemed much happier to them since I started dating (though I don't know if that is just because I found a good psychologist around the same time, or if I was just happy that someone was interested in me after years of rejection). I know he will not break up with me and the weight of having to decide whether or not to break up with him is crushing me. I can't decide if it's all in my head or not and the more I think about it the worse off I am . . .
Posted by curiousgeorgette[/QUOTE]

Oh, my ... I read your first post and the responses, thinking that couples counseling would be great. Then I saw this post.

You're right, the relationship shouldn't be this hard early on. And, it seems as if he might be moving toward emotional blackmail with such back-handed compliments about not being successful with anyone else (I'm paraphrasing). Just b/c his parents' marriage has been long and successful (there's that word again) doesn't mean his and yours will. That last phrase which I highlighted really sends up red flags. Ouch!

I might consider individual counseling first -- it feels like you are, perhaps, settling. He's just not sounding like a very nice person right now.

Good luck!

Kris012 · July 2012

Agree 100% with GLB14.

curiousgeorgette · August 2012

Goodness! Reading back over this now -- this is why I shouldn't post things like this when I am upset! I do tend to blow things out of proportion and worry about thing too much, and I definitely think I did this in this post. I think your responses were right on the money for the information I gave you but I was also definitely mad and hurt and skewed things to show him in the worst possible light. Now I feel terrible that I would say such things about him because he is a wonderful guy, though you wouldn't know it from this post......

That was a bad fight and I was hurt about it for weeks afterward, but it was also the first time that he had ever said anything remotely along those lines. He does have short temper about certain things, but it is infinitely better than when we first started dating and is something that he is actively working on. And even when he is angry/frustrated, he never questions our relationship and, with this one exception, I don't feel like he is taking things out on me. He does get frustrated with me when I feel bad about myself and get stuck in a "I feel ugly and worthless" loop, but I think that is more because he feels like there's nothing he can do in those situations to pull me out of it.

The things I said about him thinking this relationship is easier than those with his previous girlfriends- I never felt like he was "emotionally blackmailing" me with those comments. I just put that in there because I think it shows that maybe my own expectations are unreasonable ...... that I was blowing things out of proportion and worrying about fighting too much, when from his perspective, we weren't fighting too much at all......

Anyway, thank you for all your help..... I just wanted to post a follow-up and let you all know that things are much better than they seemed in this post. He really makes me happy day-to-day; I can be totally silly with him and he can with me. We are both opinionated and he has challenged my beliefs on many topics, and I have influenced his opinions on other thigns....that was the root of a lot of our fights at the beginning but we have gotten better about sharing our opinions respectfully and I think we have both really grown from our conversations. I can't tell you how many times we've started to watch a movie and then ended up just chatting away and missing half the movie in the end. He's wonderful with kids and animals and generally totally sweet and supportive of me.....he always tells me how proud he is of me when I accomplish something at work or elsewhere.

I am in therapy now and I am working on some of my anxiety issues. He has been a big part of that process in showing me how hard I can be on myself and encourages me to go. Anyway I know it is kind of random to post on this from a couple of weeks ago but I just had to follow up and let you all know that things are not always what they seem. This is definitely a good lesson for me not to blow things out of proportion and go to strangers on the internet for answers when they will only get one side of the story

Nothing bad about your responses, just a bad reflection on me....

Thanks everyone!

"Settling?"

Re: &quot;Settling?&quot;

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

&quot;Settling?&quot;

Re: &amp;quot;Settling?&amp;quot;

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

"Settling?"

Re: "Settling?"