Catholic Weddings

Is this even possible?

The Lutheran church is very dear to my FI. Although he is confirmed Catholic, he was baptized Lutheran and still attends services regularly. He has just told me that he feels very strongly about getting married in his grandparent's church, which is also the church his mom was raised in and his parents were married in. He loves this church and the pastor; there is no Catholic church he has an emotional connection like this to. But it is a Lutheran church. I told him I wouldn't be comfortable doing that unless we got dispensation. However, while I'm not confirmed in any church, I was baptized Catholic and he's confirmed, so I don't even know if it would be possible to get dispensation to marry in his family church.

We haven't talked to a priest yet, but I've seen so many women on here get bad info from their priests, I wanted to see if any of you brilliant ladies knew the answer. I don't want to start planning/working towards something if there's no way it can happen.
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Re: Is this even possible?

  • Since you are both Catholic, I would guess that it would be nearly impossible to get the dispensation necessary to be married anywhere but a Catholic church.

    Just a side note, I would look into whether you can get confirmed before your wedding. Some priests will require it, others might encourage it, still others might not care at all, but it really should be done if possible. It is good for you and your marriage. Some parishes even offer adult confirmation classes outside of RCIA for those who are baptised and have received First Eucharist, but have never been confirmed.
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  • Yeah, that's what I thought. And I would love to get confirmed before my wedding, but I don't think I can. I haven't had first communion or been raised in the church at all, so I would still like to take RCIA, which I can't do because of scheduling problems until the fall after the wedding.
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  • Is it possible to find another nearby church that offers RCIA on a different night (or day, like Sunday,) so it would fit into your schedule?
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  • No, there's only one Catholic church in a half hour radius.
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  • you probably wont be able to get a dispensation.

    honestly, i think the bigger issue here is being ignored and that is what you two will plan to do in terms of religion once you are married and have children.  it seems that your FI pretty  much wants to be Lutheran.  

  • ChloeaghChloeagh member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited October 2012
    No, he definitely wants to raise the kids Catholic. He has no desire to be Lutheran, but it is part of his heritage. He wants to get married in a church and by a pastor that he knows and is meaningful to him. Neither of us have a Catholic church like that.

    ETA: FI is actually the one who introduced me to and taught me about the Catholic church.
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  • but you cant really find a church and establish a relationship if you are regularly attending a lutheran church.  it will be confusing to your children if you bring them to both services.  does he really plan to stop attending lutheran services once he has kids? 
  • He attends Lutheran and Catholic services half and half because he is currently living with his parents and in their family it is very important to attend church together. When he moves out, he plans to only attend Catholic mass. He's attended the same Catholic church his whole life and it's where he got confirmed, but he isn't a fan of it.
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  • so what happens when you all spend a holiday with his family?  are you going to deny your kids Mass so that they can attend as a family at the lutheran church or will your husband be able to say "no"?  not trying to be difficult or argumentative here, but it sounds like he has some pretty strong ties that he may not be willing to cut.
  • No. At holidays, his family attends both Catholic and Lutheran services. And he does have strong ties to the Lutheran church, we both do, and I don't see anything wrong with that. It gives us perspective on Christianity and helps us remain loyal to the Church.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_is-this-even-possible?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:131860d8-3c5b-4ceb-9330-7982ffa80d54Post:4be2eb86-5fd4-4bc5-8743-2b81c33affd3">Re: Is this even possible?</a>:
    [QUOTE]He attends Lutheran and Catholic services half and half because he is currently living with his parents and in their family it is very important to attend church together. When he moves out, he plans to only attend Catholic mass. He's attended the same Catholic church his whole life and it's where he got confirmed, but he isn't a fan of it.
    Posted by Chloeagh[/QUOTE]

    <div>The problem here is Catholics have an obligation to attend Mass every Sunday and holy day of obligation. This is a precept of the church. It is a serious sin to miss the Holy Sacrifice (And we shouldn't want to ever miss the infinite graces of becoming one in union with the Eucharist). </div><div>
    </div><div>One must confess missing before receiving communion again, and not have intention of missing again. </div>
  • Chloeagh - perhaps it will be helpful if you and your FI try to focus on the connection that you can build with the Catholic church in your area, starting by having the wedding there.  The specific church in your area may not have a strong emotional tie for you right now, but I can't imagine that it wouldn't be special to you once you married there. 

    Especially if that's where you would plan to attend Mass after your wedding, and (I assume) bring your children to Mass there as well, I think you should really explore the option of starting your married life as Catholics there as well.  I understand that it would be hard for your FI to let go of the strong connection he has to the Lutheran church and pastor from his childhood, but if you and FI are planning to be married in accordance with the Catholic church and continue with that faith, I think it's important to begin trying to build that same connection to your Catholic church and priest.
  • ChloeaghChloeagh member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited October 2012
    I understand what you are saying, erin, but very shortly after our wedding we will be moving, possibly to a different state.
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  • i guess the point is that while his family and their traditions are important, his family with you is his #1 relationship once you are married.  the needs and desires of the two of you and any children you may have come first.

    i just think parents who try to raise kids in two faiths (even two christian faiths) are just asking for their kids to be confused.  more often than not, kids raised in multiple faiths end up not embracing any faith.
  • Calypso, I respectfully disagree. Where we grew up, most marriages were mixed faith. Usually between Christian denominations, but I had a few friends with a Jewish parent and a Catholic parent. These kids were either raised in two churches equally, or raised in one and exposed to the other. These children had the strongest faiths of people my age group. Those who had same faith parents often also had parents who were intollerant of religious exploration and questions and so their kids turned to atheism. My friends with mixed faith parents on the other hand were allowed to learn about and explore many faiths and as a result appreciated the faith they were raised in. The strongest faith and least religious confusion I've ever seen was in a Jewish and Catholic family.
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  • Chloe, I know it can be hard to build a strong relationship with a church and then move, but I really encourage you to try.  H moved away literally three weeks after our wedding, and then I joined him six months later.  It was heartbreaking to leave the church where we were married, but we've started building a new home with the parish into which we moved.

    You're talking as though you've set a date, but as though it's not "set in stone" that you will be married in a Catholic church.  Have you set anything up with your parish?  I would worry about that.  And if nothing is set in stone, is it possible to postpone your wedding until y'all get this settled?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_is-this-even-possible?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:131860d8-3c5b-4ceb-9330-7982ffa80d54Post:fa1cf368-742d-47e7-9aa4-5e41d5d194c3">Re: Is this even possible?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Chloe, I know it can be hard to build a strong relationship with a church and then move, but I really encourage you to try.  H moved away literally three weeks after our wedding, and then I joined him six months later.  It was heartbreaking to leave the church where we were married, but we've started building a new home with the parish into which we moved. You're talking as though you've set a date, but as though it's not "set in stone" that you will be married in a Catholic church.  Have you set anything up with your parish?  I would worry about that.  And if nothing is set in stone, is it possible to postpone your wedding until y'all get this settled?
    Posted by professorscience[/QUOTE]
    We are looking at a year and a half from now, so we have a lot of time to figure everything out. I just wanted to see what all our options were because FI would rather get married in his grandparents church than his church and we won't be able to get married in the church I currently attend. We haven't contacted his priest yet, but we are going to in the next couple months.
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  • Personally I think you need to first figure out which church you want to recognize your marriage.  If you want to further grow within the Catholic church then you should get married there, if you are not entirely sure where you want to raise your family or the exact church you want then you should explore the Lutheran church because of your FI.  If you and your FI have already decided you plan to practice Catholicism and will grow with that, then why not have a combined faith wedding to show respect to his side.  In order to have a Catholic wedding you must get married in a Catholic church, but there is nothing prohibiting the Lutheran pastor in assisting in your wedding ceremony.  I guess it comes down to you and your FI choosing which church you want to continue to grow in.  I'm a huge fan of compromise, so if you pick a Catholic church and ask the Lutheran pastor to work with the Catholic priest then you semi get the best of both worlds, sorry if I was repetitive.  

    I think the other thing you should examine is why do you want to be Catholic?  Since you don’t seem to have a relationship with a church other than the Lutheran church, I’m wondering what is causing the conflict?  There is nothing that says you can’t convert to Catholicsm when you are ready and perhaps after you’ve moved.  However if you want to get married in the Catholic church because you believe in your heart that you are Catholic and will continue to practice the faith then that’s awesome and you should take the steps towards doing so.  I’m not entirely sure if you can get married in the Catholic church if neither of you have at least had your First Communion. 

    Finally I think priests get an unfair reputation on here.  Priests take their job very seriously and want to ensure that you are ready to be married and are fully prepared for the lifelong commitment.  As an example a relative of mine wanted to get married in my family’s church, her and her fiancé were denied because the priest didn’t think they were prepared for the commitment and were taking it seriously enough.  Another church agreed to marry them, and they like a few couples I know have already gotten divorced, their marriage lasted all of two years.  Sorry if I was Debbie Downer, I just feel bad for harsh comments some people say about priests and the Catholic church in general.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_is-this-even-possible?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:131860d8-3c5b-4ceb-9330-7982ffa80d54Post:22c2ba9f-e2f9-4550-ae58-0aaff5266a6e">Re: Is this even possible?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Personally I think you need to first figure out which church you want to recognize your marriage.  If you want to further grow within the Catholic church then you should get married there, if you are not entirely sure where you want to raise your family or the exact church you want then you should explore the Lutheran church because of your FI.  If you and your FI have already decided you plan to practice Catholicism and will grow with that, then why not have a combined faith wedding to show respect to his side.  In order to have a Catholic wedding you must get married in a Catholic church, but there is nothing prohibiting the Lutheran pastor in assisting in your wedding ceremony.  I guess it comes down to you and your FI choosing which church you want to continue to grow in.  I'm a huge fan of compromise, so if you pick a Catholic church and ask the Lutheran pastor to work with the Catholic priest then you semi get the best of both worlds, sorry if I was repetitive.   I think the other thing you should examine is why do you want to be Catholic?  Since you don’t seem to have a relationship with a church other than the Lutheran church, I’m wondering what is causing the conflict?  There is nothing that says you can’t convert to Catholicsm when you are ready and perhaps after you’ve moved.  However if you want to get married in the Catholic church because you believe in your heart that you are Catholic and will continue to practice the faith then that’s awesome and you should take the steps towards doing so.  I’m not entirely sure if you can get married in the Catholic church if neither of you have at least had your First Communion. <strong> Finally I think priests get an unfair reputation on here.  Priests take their job very seriously and want to ensure that you are ready to be married and are fully prepared for the lifelong commitment.  As an example a relative of mine wanted to get married in my family’s church, her and her fiancé were denied because the priest didn’t think they were prepared for the commitment and were taking it seriously enough.  Another church agreed to marry them, and they like a few couples I know have already gotten divorced, their marriage lasted all of two years.  Sorry if I was Debbie Downer, I just feel bad for harsh comments some people say about priests and the Catholic church in general.</strong>
    Posted by libby18bell[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I certainly hope you don't mean that the posters on this board give priests unfair judgment.  Most of the posters that I've seen have praised and defended priests to anyone who comes complaining.</div><div>
    </div><div>If you're talking about the comment that some priests give misinformation, there's nothing wrong with saying that.  It's true.  There are priests who give bad information to couples (like the one you referenced).</div><div>
    </div><div>For an interfaith service, doesn't one member of the couple have to be practicing that other faith?  I'm not sure one could invite a Lutheran pastor out of deference to family history alone.

    </div>
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  • I may not be understanding all of this, but one issue for you is not being able to attend RCIA until the fall, but yet your wedding isn't for another year and a half. Am I missing something here? I am assuming your church would have to have more than one RCIA class from this year until a year and a half from now. 

    I also agree that if your FI feels so strongly about the Lutheran church and pastor, but you both agree to wanting to come into the Catholic faith that you should see if you could be married in the Catholic church and have FI's pastor assist in the ceremony. Of course, it wouldn't be his family's church, but there would still be that emotional connection he wants. 

    Good luck, I can't imagine how tough a mixed religion ceremony is to plan!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_is-this-even-possible?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:131860d8-3c5b-4ceb-9330-7982ffa80d54Post:0cbee34d-8a80-4df5-afe4-b4ddf3d1e139">Re: Is this even possible?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I may not be understanding all of this, but one issue for you is not being able to attend RCIA until the fall, but yet your wedding isn't for another year and a half. Am I missing something here? I am assuming your church would have to have more than one RCIA class from this year until a year and a half from now.  I also agree that if your FI feels so strongly about the Lutheran church and pastor, but you both agree to wanting to come into the Catholic faith that you should see if you could be married in the Catholic church and have FI's pastor assist in the ceremony. Of course, it wouldn't be his family's church, but there would still be that emotional connection he wants.  Good luck, I can't imagine how tough a mixed religion ceremony is to plan!
    Posted by Ashl07[/QUOTE]
    Thanks for the support. I'll talk to FI about it. As far as RCIA goes, there is only one church in the area and it always only offers RCIA at the same time every year and I have an obligatory conflict during that time both this year and next year. The following year, though (the fall after the wedding), I will have a more flexible schedule and more churches to choose from.
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  • Take this for what it's worth, but in my first marriage, XH and I were both confirmed Catholics, yet managed to get married in the Baptist church in which I grew up with the dispensation of our bishop.

    I was raised and baptized Southern Baptist.  In college, I became Catholic.  XH was raised Catholic.  It was important to my family that I marry in the church in which I had grown up.  XH and I sat down with our priest and sought his advice.  He thought that in order to promote the unity that a marriage was to signify, we should petition the bishop to marry in my childhood church.  The bishop didn't hesitate, and the wedding went off without a hitch.

    I'm not saying that it's going to be easy and I'm well-aware that all bishops are different, but I *think* that as long as you have a good reason (I.e. your FI's emotional ties), you have a chance at getting a dispensation.  Now, for a reason such as aesthetics...not so much.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_is-this-even-possible?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:131860d8-3c5b-4ceb-9330-7982ffa80d54Post:ab29441c-96a1-4b00-b2a6-b748b0ea10c5">Re: Is this even possible?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Take this for what it's worth, but in my first marriage, XH and I were both confirmed Catholics, yet managed to get married in the Baptist church in which I grew up with the dispensation of our bishop. I was raised and baptized Southern Baptist.  In college, I became Catholic.  XH was raised Catholic.  It was important to my family that I marry in the church in which I had grown up.  XH and I sat down with our priest and sought his advice.  He thought that in order to promote the unity that a marriage was to signify, we should petition the bishop to marry in my childhood church.  The bishop didn't hesitate, and the wedding went off without a hitch. I'm not saying that it's going to be easy and I'm well-aware that all bishops are different, but I *think* that as long as you have a good reason (I.e. your FI's emotional ties), you have a chance at getting a dispensation.  Now, for a reason such as aesthetics...not so much.
    Posted by SpanishMandi[/QUOTE]
    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I won't get my hopes up too much, but FI will be very happy to hear that it will be worth it to at inquire.
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