Do I HAVE to take his last name??

missglinda14 · August 2012

My FI apparently is shocked and hurt by the idea of me not taking his last name. I didn't think it would be such a huge deal, but he seemed geniuenly upset. I told him my reasoning behind it and he said he understood but that he wanted me to really think about it before making my decision. I don't think I have to think about it. I haven't wanted to change my last name since I was 15 and my step dad wanted to adopt me. This isn't an idea that is going to change anytime soon and it's not a personal thing. I like my name the way it is and in terms of changing my name to my FI's, I just don't like where the tradition came from and I don't believe in it. So I guess what I'm asking is what I should do. I don't want a hurt FI, but I'm not sure if this is something I should compromise on. It's my name after all. Am I wrong here?

theelusive1 · August 2012

No you do not. I know many women who don't. I have a friend who took her husbands and he took hers. so they both are not smith-jones. Why does getting married have to mean you need a new name.

Spunky414 · August 2012

No, your name your choice.

ericaandtom2012 · August 2012

No, you don't have to change your name - your name, your choice. BUT, you need to make sure that your FI will deal with you not changing your name without harboring resentment or feeling offended by it. This will likely involve some discussions (it sounds like you've already had some). Have you discussed hyphenating your names as an option for both of you? You don't have to, but it could be a nice compromise. Either way, YOU need to be ok with what name you have.

GoodLuckBear14 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_do-i-have-to-take-his-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:e0faf518-553c-45bf-afe8-11a54d59c321Post:2a7f2a01-5d9c-4263-a614-d2619163597d">Re: Do I HAVE to take his last name??</a>:
[QUOTE]I recommend asking him why it's so important. If he goes into the whole "being a family/kids having the same last name as both parents/etc", then offer to let him change his last name to yours and see how he feels about that.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Took the words out of my mouth.

Someone was asking DH last week about me not changing my name and how he felt about it. He cut them off with "It's a non-issue."

Miss_2010 · August 2012

You can have your name however you like it. I have to say I am surprised this topic only came up recently between the two of you.

In terms of children, I have a few girlsfriends who kept their maiden name and now have children, those children have the father's names. They debated hyphenating the kids' names but the women felt "well, just give them their father's name, its easier". They always get a kick out of peoples' reactions to like "oh your child is Jane Smith and you are Sally Jones? Are you the mother" why yes, yes I am.

If you wish to keep it, do so. You could also do something like keep your name on paper, never change it. Then socially if sombody refers to you in public as "Mrs Smith" just smile and go with it, knowing your legal name is not that...but it might make hubby feel nice inside.

MyNameIsNot · August 2012

You shouldn't feel pressured to change your name or even to justify your decision. Tell him that you have given it plenty of thought and that you are comfortable with your decision. He should be able to understand that it's not about him, but about you. It's your name, not his.

jmichlik · August 2012

Have you considered taking his name as your middle name? I would never have thought of such a thing a few years ago but I came across a girl (friend of a friend) who decided to do that, making her name FirstName HisLastName HerLastName. Don't know if that is something you're interested in but that might be a good compromise to make his name a part of yours but not have to change your last name.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · August 2012

I also have known since high school that I just never wanted to change my last name.

Tread gently for a little while. However, I will say that most people who go through this? Eventually, your husband will be defending your decision to other people.

missglinda14 · August 2012

His last name is not very common at all, it's only a third generation last name in his family. The first people in his family to have that last name were his grandparents that survived the Holocaust. He said he wants to keep it going. I told him I'm more than okay with our children having his last name and he replied with "It's not a dealbreaker, but it would be an honor for me to have you take my last name."

And then I felt horrible =/

I'm thinking about having his last name as my middle name though. I would have never thought of that. Thank you for the suggestion!

OwningAHome1981 · August 2012

Your name... you decide, that's it.

haha some guy changed his name to Beezow Doo Doo Zopitty Bop Bop Bop. Your name can be anything you want it to be, including what you have now.

ElleB87 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_do-i-have-to-take-his-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:e0faf518-553c-45bf-afe8-11a54d59c321Post:c66e884c-be12-49e9-abc9-98d0cfdbda2d">Re: Do I HAVE to take his last name??</a>:
[QUOTE]His last name is not very common at all, it's only a third generation last name in his family. The first people in his family to have that last name were his grandparents that survived the Holocaust. He said he wants to keep it going. I told him I'm more than okay with our children having his last name and he replied with "It's not a dealbreaker, but it would be an honor for me to have you take my last name." And then I felt horrible =/ I'm thinking about having his last name as my middle name though. I would have never thought of that. Thank you for the suggestion!
Posted by missglinda14[/QUOTE]

That kind of sounds like he's trying to manipulate you. You've made your decision and he's just going to have to accept it.

renegade gaucho · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_do-i-have-to-take-his-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:e0faf518-553c-45bf-afe8-11a54d59c321Post:bc873b55-47cd-45a6-a931-6f1cbd193727">Re: Do I HAVE to take his last name??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I HAVE to take his last name?? : That kind of sounds like he's trying to manipulate you. You've made your decision and he's just going to have to accept it.
Posted by ElleB87[/QUOTE]

I have to agree. This is your name and your decision, and he's making it all about him. Honestly, I would think twice about marrying someone who didn't respect my identity.

Ask him how he plans to reciprocate if you do him the honor of taking his name.

MoxieMickie · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_do-i-have-to-take-his-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:e0faf518-553c-45bf-afe8-11a54d59c321Post:b6dd81a4-75b3-4d46-8e36-43177b14b3ad">Re: Do I HAVE to take his last name??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I HAVE to take his last name?? : I have to agree. This is your name and your decision, and he's making it all about him. Honestly, I would think twice about marrying someone who didn't respect my identity. Ask him how he plans to reciprocate if you do him the honor of taking his name.
Posted by renegade gaucho[/QUOTE]

I third this. My reply to his "I consider it an honor for you to take my last name" would be "Same here. My parents will be so thrilled you're taking our name."

Lisa50 · September 2012

You do not HAVE to take his last name. He does not have to take yours. You've made your decision. End of discussion. IF he cannot accept the decision and wants to continue the discussion ... hear him out, but honestly, it's your name. Stick to your guns.

Good luck!

Peledreamsofrain · September 2012

I was all set to be middle of the road about it, until I real the 'honor' thing. What a shady and manipulative thing to do. It was specifically designed to make you feel horrible, and that's what it did.

stantokm · September 2012

Well, obviously he wants you to take his last name and is hoping that you change your mind, but I don't think that he intentionally thought, "I'll make her feel bad so that she'll do what I want."

Also, I think that most men just assume that their wives will want to take their last names; a more traditional guy is going to need a little extra time to get used to the idea that you're not going to change yours. Once you've made it clear that you feel strongly about this, he'll probably drop the issue. I like the idea of making his last name your middle name if YOU want to do it--don't do it just to compromise if you already like your name the way that it is.

Lisa50 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_do-i-have-to-take-his-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:e0faf518-553c-45bf-afe8-11a54d59c321Post:a863991d-617a-49f4-b08a-e9c60898a8fe">Re: Do I HAVE to take his last name??</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, obviously he wants you to take his last name and is hoping that you change your mind, but I don't think that he intentionally thought, "I'll make her feel bad so that she'll do what I want." Also, I think that most men just assume that their wives will want to take their last names; a more traditional guy is going to need a little extra time to get used to the idea that you're not going to change yours. Once you've made it clear that you feel strongly about this, he'll probably drop the issue. I like the idea of making his last name your middle name if YOU want to do it--don't do it just to compromise if you already like your name the way that it is.
Posted by stantokm[/QUOTE]

I completely disagree with the first bolded statement. I believe this was intentional, he gave his best shot at manipulating/intimidating OP -- to make her feel bad. And it worked.

Thank goodness my husband isn't like "most men." He did not assume I would take his last name.

tally7 · September 2012

to be honest even if you don't change your name many ppl will assume that you did - tell him that no one will really know either way but that you just dont want to change it

Bethella · October 2012

When this topic came up in discussion with my FI, I told him that I wasn't attending on taking his name, he was a little taken aback. I think he was expecting me to. However, because we live in Quebec (Canada), the QC Government states that marriage is not reason enough for someone to change their name. So (luckily) when I came back to him about it and said that it wasn't legally possible for me to change it, he was okay, since there wasn't really anything he could do. I sort felt like a dodged a bullet there!

In the end, I probably would have stood by my decision of keeping my own name, regardless of where we lived. He probably wouldn't have been too happy about it, but my FI knows I'm not really one for tradition :P

rirvi335 · October 2012

I don’t understand where you’re coming from if you’ve already made your decision. This seems like too personal of a post- one that is between you and your fiancé. And one that does not need shared to complete strangers. Complete strangers that you are trying to get to sympathize with you while you let some of them deface your fiancé. Does he know that you’re posting on here about him?

Forget the name- whether you keep it or you don’t, a marriage is two equal people coming together- it’s not about you and it’s not about him. It’s about the two of you together. This is supposed to be a board for brides excited about marrying their true love… not brides trying to turn people against him. If you both really love each other and want your marriage to work- you’ll find a solution you can both agree to.

Do I HAVE to take his last name??

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