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Moms and Maids

Need advice about MOG

I'm new here, so forgive me if this is the wrong spot for this post.

My BF, let's call him K, and I are getting engaged this weekend (I know because his Mom told me and is having me get my nails done for the occasion).  Well K and I have been discussing our wedding for a long time and this week we talked about it again and actually picked a date (a little backwards, I know, but he brought it up, so I just went with it).  Anyway, pretty much ever since we've been seriously discussing wedding plans, K's mom has been coming at me with suggestions and things that we simply must do...and I don't even have the ring on my finger yet.  In the past, even recently, when she doesn't get her way, she takes it very personally and gets upset and lashes out...usually in the form of the silent treatment or a few scathing text messages, sometimes both and then some.  So naturally, I'm aprehensive about telling her that we're not doing some of the things she's suggesting.  We've been planning this day for a really long time and there are certain things we just do not want.  How can I handle this without hurting her feelings and causing a huge family problem??

Re: Need advice about MOG

  • Do not talk anything wedding with her.  She says what about these colors?  You say it is so warm out today.
  • Don’t talk about your plans with her. You don’t have to tell her EVERYTHING. Unless she’s paying for the wedding.

  • edited November 2012
    First of all, you are engaged as soon as you make the decision to get married.  A ring  does not mean "officially" engaged.

    Second, get on the same page as your FI about his mother.  That is crucial.  This also means that he is the one to handle her, not you.

    Third, insist on paying for the wedding on your own.  Money = strings and if she contributes, she absolutely gets a say.

    Fourth, do not discuss wedding plans with her.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • Thank you all.  All funding for the wedding is coming directly from me...not even my FI is contributing other than maybe paying for his attire.  So thankfully, no strings there.  
    I just have a hard time telling her no because of her attitude.  Typically when K tells her something, she'll come to me behind his back and 'confirm' that this is what we want/don't want.  I'm thinking this might be a conversation I should at least be present for.  Thank you all again...wish me luck!
  • Did she have your fiance's permission to tell you he's proposing this weekend?

    How does your fiance handle her pushiness and manipulation?
  • She did not...he doesn't know that I know and I'm going to keep it that way.  Actually, she took me to see the ring she found before she took him and she told me that he bought it...and he doesn't know that either.  I hate not telling him but he deserves to do this his way without me knowing so I'm going to be surprised for him.  

    He really hates it.  It's one of the biggest points of contention with his family, actually.  
  • Wow- completely inexcusable for her to ruin the surprise like that.

    I understand that he hates it.  But how does he handle it?  If he gives into her instead of telling her to mind her own business, you need to think very carefully about going through with this wedding.
  • She is playing you hard here.  She is ruining all of his surprises.  Sooner or later you have to put a stop to this and the only way to do that is to tell him what she is doing.  Right now she is in charge of the game here because she wants to ruin everything for him and she knows  you won't say a word.  When will you put a stop to this?
  • edited November 2012
    It also sounds like she is trying to get you to go behind his back.   I would rat her out on everything.  I know this because it is exactly what I have to do.   One phone call to me and if I don't tell the husband she calls and says didnt she tell you I called.  I wonder what else she is not telling you.  so now he just says yeah she told me.   I am so tired of games.  Everything is a game with my mil.  Be careful.  What you think is helping him maybe screwing you over.  She will see this as control.
  • edited November 2012
    My BF's mother is fairly similar. I greatly fear the day when we "officially"  get engaged (i.e. get a ring, pick a date etc etc) and she feels the need to discuss her "favourite" son's wedding (yes she calls him that). Although my BF is her golden boy, he's made it very clear to me that it's OUR wedding, not hers, not my parents, not any of our families, ergo they should all shut it.
    I wonder about not telling him, I mean obviously he's planned and it's great to have nice hands for that day, but my BF would want to know she told me so that he could go plan an entirely new proposal for me. He really hates it when his mother interferes. And most guys want you to actually be surprised, not fake surprised.
    Definitely discuss with him how you feel. MILs can be extremely intimidating, and the other posts are right, he needs to be the one dealing with her, not you.
    Also, I love the bean dip idea, but it would not work on my MIL. To distract her I would direct the topic to something about her, her outfit or purse, or her house.

    Love 11.11.09 | Marriage 05.02.15
      Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • In Response to Re: Need advice about MOG:
    [QUOTE]She did not...he doesn't know that I know and I'm going to keep it that way.  Actually, she took me to see the ring she found before she took him and she told me that he bought it...and he doesn't know that either.  I hate not telling him but he deserves to do this his way without me knowing so I'm going to be surprised for him.   He really hates it.  It's one of the biggest points of contention with his family, actually.  
    Posted by mvance3[/QUOTE]

    I find this alone more than horrifying!  I assume you know from this point on, you cannot confide anything at all with her.  I admire your restraint not telling him that his idiot mother broke his confidence!
  • In Response to Need advice about MOG:
    [QUOTE]I'm new here, so forgive me if this is the wrong spot for this post. My BF, let's call him K, and I are getting engaged this weekend (I know because his Mom told me and is having me get my nails done for the occasion).  Well K and I have been discussing our wedding for a long time and this week we talked about it again and actually picked a date (a little backwards, I know, but he brought it up, so I just went with it).  Anyway, pretty much ever since we've been seriously discussing wedding plans, K's mom has been coming at me with suggestions and things that we simply must do...and I don't even have the ring on my finger yet.  In the past, even recently, when she doesn't get her way, she takes it very personally and gets upset and lashes out...usually in the form of the silent treatment or a few scathing text messages, sometimes both and then some.  So naturally, I'm aprehensive about telling her that we're not doing some of the things she's suggesting.  We've been planning this day for a really long time and there are certain things we just do not want.  How can I handle this without hurting her feelings and causing a huge family problem??
    Posted by mvance3[/QUOTE]

    Even though you and your BF have been talking about weddings alot I think your FMIL is terrible for telling you he was going to propose. stand your ground its your day, and make your BF talk to his mom
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