When does non-traditional become tacky?

Nichole5150 · October 2010

My fiance and I are rather offbeat. In fact, we are getting married with a Halloween theme because we both love the holiday and think it would make for a great decorating scheme, also a wedding few people will forget! During my planning with my mother, I told her that I don't want to register for gifts. Instead of gifts or money, I would like people to bring a pot luck dish, for a very informal country style reception. Mom says that is insane and of course I should want gifts and money. She also said it would be horribly tacky to ask people to bring food. Now, I am paying for this wedding and it is on a tight budget. I would rather people bring a dish instead of buying me some tchotchky for the house that I don't need. Plus, instead of me paying for the cheapest blah reception food because that is all I can afford, I would rather have some of my friends and relatives awesome dishes. Am I being insane? People bring food for funerals, birthdays, quincineras, holidays, etc. Why is it such a faux pax to do the same for an informal wedding?

hz80408 · October 2010

Please don't ask guests to bring food.

If you can't find a way to serve a meal to your guests, either cut your guest list or change your reception time.

Belle2Be · October 2010

I think you need to kow your audience. If you've had potlucks with your to-be guests before and know they make yummy food, and its also something that wouldn't offend them, then go for it. But you should still be providing an open bar, or drinks, or desert, or SOMETHING, as the hosts. But like PP's have said, potlucks can be hit or miss, and you don't want your wedding to be memorial for the number of bathroom runs everyone had to make.

lalap69 · October 2010

Yes, it's tacky. Also, guests aren't obligated to give you gifts. You would be obliging them to bring food.

You're hosting your wedding - that means you provide the food. Find a way to make it work, even if it means scaling back so that you're just doing punch and cocktails (not during a mealtime of course). Or post on the budget boards - those ladies know how to stretch a dollar!

Nichole5150 · October 2010

Okay . . . thank you for your replies. You all brought up some points I had not considered. Especially that not everyone is a clean cook. It simply didn't occur to me that someone might cook in a dirty kitchen. I've just been to so many weddings where the couple were on a tight budget and the food was absolute garbage and the decorations were obviously from the dollar store and I think that it is more tacky to try to pull off the traditional big wedding thing when you simply cannot afford it. If my fiance and I waited until we could afford the wedding we really want, we would never get married. Many poor people who don't have mom and dad footing the bill would never be able to marry either. There are so many customary and traditional things that people expect that in reality, not everyone can afford. But, I get it. Wedding pot luck=tacky and unacceptable. So, now I'm forced to be even more creative with my budget and ideas!

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

Definitely check out the budget board. And check your local board as well; I got my caterer from a recommendation on there and tested the waters with an initial budget well below I could afford, for which he provided a fantastic package. We were also just doing heavy apps rather than a full dinner, which helped.

It should be noted that a self-catered wedding where family and friends volunteer to help is a totally different beast. SSIL had a very quickly planned wedding on a small budget, and talking to her mom I found out that they were providing some Italian food from a local hole-in-the-wall, but didn't have much in the way of a cocktail hour, so I offered to make my mom's famous crab puffs. They also had beer as the only available alcohol, so we provided them with a champagne toast as a gift. It kind of comes back to what is my general philosophy when dealing with others, especially where weddings are involved: people are happier to do things when it's their idea (or they perceive it as such) than when it's something they're told to do. So the less you ask of people, the more they'll want to do, and vice versa.

If good food is a priority (and it definitely was for us), just do some research. I guarantee that you can come up with something that you can host.

dizzinea · October 2010

potluck is probably not ok, if you can't afford to feed people a full meal, do hors devrves, or a dessert buffet (served after a meal time) or do lunch or brunch, there are lots of ways to save money, and the truth is even if you don't register people are just gonna give you stuff THEY think you need, registreing is safer, on a side note, I'm getting married the week before halloween with a halloween theme this year and I'm so excited! definitly do the halloween thing its a blast!

trix1223 · October 2010

Scale back your guest list if possible. Have your reception at a non-dining hour, and have finger foods or even cake and punch. Skip the decorations and focus on the few things that are "musts" for you instead of "wants".

There are ways to have a less expensive wedding, but asking your guests to provide the food should not be one of them. GL

Nichole5150 · October 2010

Thanks again everyone. I will defintily check out the budget boards. I don't mean to sound like I am complaining but this whole thing is so foreign to me! I was never a little girl who dreamed about a wedding! I can totally understand now that a pot luck wont work. I never thought about having just finger foods instead of a big meal. In fact, that might be a fun way to tie in the Halloween thing, I can do some sort of trick-or-treat finger food meal and that would not cost a lot at all. Thank you all for showing me that I can still be quirky and outside the box while keeping to my budget and not offending anyone at the same time. I really just want everyone to relax and celebrate with us. I now understand that asking people to provide food for my party is not relaxing to anyone but me! I appreciate all of your advice. I have a year to plan so I know I can do this! It helps so much to have your advice.

trix1223 · October 2010

Nichole: thanks for listening with an open mind and taking advice. Bravo! All too often around here people get upset when they don't get validation instead of advice that they don't really want to hear.

Please come back and play often. And may I also suggest the Wedding Party board? It will give you plenty of great advice and has wonderful people on it. It's become my "home" board.

Welcome, and happy planning.

tldh · October 2010

I second coming over to the WP board. We try to have fun with eachother while doling out wisdom

Belle2Be · October 2010

You might also look into having a morning wedding and brunch

Breakfast foods are pretty cheap and easy to make!

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

If you've got a Halloween theme, you could do an entirely Trick-or-Treat reception: start really late (like 8pm or so), and just serve candy. You could have it set up in stations and give the guests bags and let them actually go trick-or-treating! You could serve punch out of a cauldron, and include some savory stuff, too, and I'm sure it would be a huge hit, and much cheaper than a meal as long as your guests have a chance to eat beforehand.

SEWF · October 2010

If you have a whole year to plan, make sure to check out the sales after holidays (especially this Halloween, if you want the Halloween theme). You can find great stuff the way, AND save a ton of money!

Brycedance · October 2010

I'm not doing a potluck reception, but I've been to two that turned out great - All the guests seemed happy with a wide variety of food - something for everyone. I think it's possible to do this well but it does depend on your circle. If you have a lot of guests that have to travel far to get to your wedding reception it would be difficult.

FutureDondada · October 2010

I agree with what belle said. You need to know your guests. I have a hard time with the "tacky" arguement b/c quite frankly every family is different. I come from a very non-traditional family. If I chose to do pot luck they'd love it! However, I have 175 guests and I just prefer to let a professional prepare that much food. So if this is something that your friends and family would enjoy doing then I say 100% do it! I think the best people to ask this to is your guests, not this website. Anything non-traditional is seen as tacky, and thats not fair to the people who don't follow the straight and narrow.

alainn15 · October 2010

Can one guest make enough of thier dish to serve every guest. I would worry that Aunt Mildreds food might be good, but can she cook for a large number, or will she bring enough for ten or twelve people.

MyNameIsNot · October 2010

I know your direct question was answered, but I did have another suggestion. Stop looking for "wedding food." Think about ways that people feed a big group for cheap: pizza, lasagna, pasta, mexican, bbq, etc. See if your favorite casual dining place will cater. If either of you works at a job where they have events with a lot of food, start figuring out who caters them. You can get someone like Moes/Chipotle to feed a large group for $5/pp. Or you can check out the deli at Sam's and feed them for even less.

goetzr19 · October 2010

If I were asked to bring a dish, I would very gladly decline. Now, making the food yourself and having some family members offer is a different story. Asking your mother or FMIL if they could help make food the day before I can see, but asking your guests to bring food?

Also, if it needs to stay warm, what are guests going to do while the ceremony is occurring?

jemmini6 · October 2010

My sister had a wedding for over 100 guests with a full meal on about $1500. They went to Costco and bought a bunch of brisket and pork shoulders that they smoked themselves. My mom and a couple of my aunts each made a side dish (they weren't so much 'guests' as active participants.) The only reason I thought her wedding was "tacky" per se is that my parents gave her $6000 for her wedding, she decided to do it with $1500, make my parents help, then pocket the rest....however, if that was a budget she had to pay for on her own, it would've been nice.

LizHZ · October 2010

If you're looking for DIY Halloween-themed fun foods, check out the October issues of Martha Stewart and the ideas section of the Wilton (cake decorating company) website.

Costco is a GREAT way to self-cater on the cheap, either finger foods or a full buffet. You can get their catering trays or put things together yourself or do a mix. The last place I worked we'd get a few women together and do a Costco run then cook in the afternoon, and in the evening we'd have an event with heavy appetizers (nearly a meal's worth per person) for just over $1 a head.

kathrynhabibti · October 2010

[QUOTE]My sister had a wedding for over 100 guests with a full meal on about $1500. They went to Costco and bought a bunch of brisket and pork shoulders that they smoked themselves. My mom and a couple of my aunts each made a side dish (they weren't so much 'guests' as active participants.) The only reason I thought her wedding was "tacky" per se is that my parents gave her $6000 for her wedding, she decided to do it with $1500, make my parents help, then pocket the rest....however, if that was a budget she had to pay for on her own, it would've been nice.
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]
I don't see a problem with her pocketing the rest. Provided you haven't left any details out, it was your parents' choice to give her $6000 towards the wedding, they could have attached strings to it if they really didn't want her to do $1500 food, and they chose to help when she asked. If they weren't happy about helping with the food then they could have said something.

buckettgirl · October 2010

FWIW, I don't have any problem with a potluck reception and even suggested the idea to friends. When you actually have a tight budget (and $10,000 is hardly a tight budget, one could buy a nice car with that kind of money), then you do what you can to have a nice affair.
A potluck reception is a fabulous idea if you have good cooks and good family food (my family has a Volga-German background and as such, we have some very distinctive, traditional family dishes) - just make sure they bring the recipe. However, if your guests are from out of town, it would be slightly ridiculous to expect them to bring any food; I find it to be most appropriate for a small, local wedding.

The more I read here, the more I see that Knotties expect either the whole sha-bang or nothing. Its not a black and white thing (if you can't afford it, don't do it); you get creative and find ways to solve the problem. I personally hate the idea that weddings have become such big business and brainwash people into believing it must be this way or that way.

When does non-traditional become tacky?

Re: When does non-traditional become tacky?

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