Engaged! But I can't tell anyone...

Chloeagh · February 2012

Last night I went to my boyfriend's house to celebrate Valentine's Day (my school is 45 minutes from his house, so we don't see each other much). I had a feeling that he was going to propose this weekend. It wasn't super romantic or surprising, but it's still so nice to call him my finance. And he's a jeweler, so he made my ring and hand picked the stone (a white sapphire with a bit of blue). I'm in love with it! I'm so excited, but kinda put out. We were going to wait until I was a senior in college to get engaged because our parents are against us getting married. My mom says I can't get married until I'm 27 (she married my dad when she was 23 and they got divorced). And recently my dad explictly told me he doesn't want me to get engaged. Most of my college friends haven't even met FI. But we're been together for 3 years and have been talking about marriage for so long, we didn't want to wait any longer to make it official, at least between us. So we'll be keeping it on the DL for a year and a half until every one we know won't either think it's weird or be extremely upset.

But I love my ring!

sparkles776 · February 2012

Congrats on your engagement. For not being able to tell anyone, that would make me really sad. My parents married at 23 and are divorced. Doesnt mean I will be. ( I will be almost 26 on my wedding day anyways) You are an adult and capable of making your own decisions, it would not seem necessary for me to hide it. It would be concerning to me that none of your friends have met him. I dont think there is anything wrong with getting engaged to someone you have been dating for 3 years. It would kind of seem like a red flag to me if neither parent was happy about it and none of my friends had met him, but good luck and congrats anyways!

Chloeagh · February 2012

Well, they are unhappy about our age. They love him and are supportive of our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend. And I've only know a lot of my college friends for a couple months (lost touch with my original group) and he doesn't come to campus much, so there just hasn't been an opportunity.

AllyV14 · February 2012

Don't worry about your age. Everyone matures at different paces, and some people are ready to be married long before other people are. My parents got married at 21 and 22, and they've been together for nearly 30 years and are still more lovesick than a pair of teenagers. Other couples I've known have gotten married in their 30s or 40s and divorced. If you're right then you're right, and only you and he can be the judge of that.

vicki0508 · February 2012

If your parents are still running your lives, you're too young to be getting married. I do like your ring, though.

DiLynn83 · February 2012

OP, out of curiousity, how old are you?

Chloeagh · February 2012

We're both 20. He's working full time, but since I'm still in school I'm still financially dependent on my parents. We aren't going to get married until I graduate and am no longer dependent.

nholvick · February 2012

Congrats! The ring is beautiful! It makes it even more beautiful knowing he made it

Have you two discussed possibly moving in together? You're both adults and you should be making decisions for yourselves. I understand you're living at home but it isn't up to your parents who you marry or when. You've obviously discussed things and don't plan on getting married until after you graduate. I don't see how announcing your engagement would cause a problem. It's not like the two of you ran off and got married behind their backs.

sonya+adam · February 2012

Congratulations! Sorry you can't tell anyone yet. I'm in the same boat. FI wants to wait until a. I have a ring and b. until at least the end of the semester to start telling people because we're both nervous as to how his parents will feel.

lindseyann410 · February 2012

I wouldn't keep it a secret. It could blow up in your face, and your parents could lose trust in you.

Also, it's smart to wait until after you graduate to get married. I'm marrying my college boyfriend, but we are completely different people now and our relationship is completely different than it was. We could have easily grown apart, and we did have some major decisions to make before we decided to get married. Even though we've been together 8 years, it wasn't until this latest, more adult "versions" of ourselves that we were ready for marriage.

nholvick · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-but-i-cant-tell-anyone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:c2de9258-8081-4fa5-9b9e-fce8e9b29a90Post:1ba14b9a-22d3-442f-9d22-e4de28e6978d">Re: Engaged! But I can't tell anyone...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engaged! But I can't tell anyone... : Yes, at 20, one is technically an adult. However she said she's still in school and financially dependent on her parents . If I told my parents I was getting married at 20 or moving in with my boyfriend, they would say, "Okay that means you don't need our financial support anymore, good luck!" They were willing to help me through school so I'd take out the minimum about of loans and not have to work crazy hours to finish school in 4 years. If parents are willing to do that, then I think it's respective of their children to follow their parents' wishes. If they don't want to, then don't take money from mom and dad for tuition, room and board/rent, and personal expenses. OP - it seems like you're not ready to be married just yet. If you're not ready to be married, there is no point in getting engaged.* There's really no harm in waiting until you're financially independent. Enjoy being in college. Enjoy your relationship. Honestly, I'd wait until the two of you are no longer in a long distance relationship or until you are able to see each other much more often. Also, once you aren't relying on your parents for financial support, you don't have to listen to them when they say "You aren't allowed to get married at 27." *I don't support having a long engagement because a couple is not ready to be married when they first get engaged. I am having a long engagement, but I would marry my FI tomorrow. Our engagement is long for a few reasons - I work full time and I'm completing a Masters degree; we want to have a big wedding, so we're saving a lot; we want to plan slowly because we're getting married out of state and it's a little more difficult because we don't have a car.
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

I had no problem whatsoever reading what she wrote so there was no need to repeat it or put it in bold letters. She didn't say she was getting married at 20 or that she was moving in with him. I simply asked if they've talked about it. I agree, children should always be <strong>respectful</strong> and considerate of the wishes/rules that the parents have. However, she is old enough to have an adult conversation with her parents discussing her plans and wishes as well. She was well aware of their thoughts about being engaged but she went ahead and did it anyway. She can either call it off, tell her parents or lie about it.

She was announcing her engagement so she obviously thinks she's ready. She is living at home and finishing school. So what? That doesn't mean she's not ready for marriage. There are plenty of reasons why people wait to get married and have a longer engagement. Just because someone is waiting to finish school, buy a house or even get a promotion at work doesn't mean there is no point in being engaged.

Nobody really cares if you support long engagements or not. You're having a long engagement because: you work full time and are working on your degree, you're saving money for a big wedding, you need the extra time because it's going to be out of state and you don't have a car. Based on everything you just said you're obviously not ready for marriage either. There's no point in you even being engaged since you're not ready to get married right now.

Do you ever have anything nice to say to anyone? You always have some snarky, know-it-all, pompous post. I find it incredibly amusing that you decided to pick my post apart. Why not any of the others that congratulated her? If you have a problem then please send me a message. I'd like to congratulate someone without having you right up my ass to correct me like you're somebody special.
<div>
</div><div>Chloeagh - Ignore all the negative things people have to say. Only the two of you will know if you're truly ready or not. There is nothing wrong with a long engagement so take your time if you need to.</div>

Chloeagh · February 2012

Thanks to all of you who wrote supportive comments! I would love to move in with FI, but his work and my school are 45 minutes apart. And even if they weren't, my school emphasizes community, so it would be extremely hard for me to get permission to live off campus if I wasn't legally married.

The main reason I don't want to sit down and have the engagement conversation with my parents is because my dad just told me I'm too young to get engaged and my mom just told me that my 23-year-old cousin is much too young to get married. Both of these conversations were within the last month. Doesn't seem like the best time to say, "Hey...I'm engaged and want to get married when I'm 23."

As far as a long engagement...if I could, I would go to a court house tomorrow and get married. But a church wedding with familial support is important to us and we can't live together, so we are using this engagement as a symbol of our committment to each other, even if it is going to be a long one.

mandi921vh · February 2012

I think that you need to be honest with your parents.

ChristineM130 · February 2012

It might not be as bad as you think.

Here's the prologue to my horror story:

I thought my mother was going to be horribly unsupportive. I am getting married to my BFF who I've known for a few years, but had only been dating for 6 months and are having a short engagement. I am 22, and she thinks couples should be older when they marry. My mother has cohabited with her boyfriend for 13 years, and thinks that couples should live together for at least a couple years before marrying. My fiance and I are abstinent Christians, so our views have always conflicted. I think one day she even said to me, "can you believe that some people don't even have sex before they get married?" I blushed and think she figured out that I have been practicing chastity from the look on my face.

Also, when got engaged, my brother had finally hit rock bottom after a downward emotional spiral after his wife left him, less than 6 months after he married her.

To top it off, she didn't like me dating him in the first place, because she thought he was gay (seriously. It's a long story). Which makes our differing views on sexual abstinence that much more awkward.

I don't know why because I am financially independent and our boundaries as adults are clear, but I was SCARED when I told her! The first week or so of engagement when we were announcing it was the most anxiety ridden point of our planning thus far.

But it really worked out fine! My mother was distant and unemotional at first, and said nothing more about it than recommending dates that were much further in the future ("how about 12/22/12? That's the day after the world ends, how cool would that be?"). Then she went through a worried/angry phase where she yelled at my father and asked me a WHOLE bunch of questions about my financial situation. These two phases only lasted a week though. I invited her dress shopping with my grandma and I, we had a lovely time, and she even offered to pay for my dress. She has been helpful and outwardly supportive ever since, and I know she'll grow to love her son-in-law more and more as time goes on.

It is a true test of the boundaries of our adult-child/parent relationship. She knows that I am settled and practical, and I have been careful and had good judgement thus far in my adult life. I made the decision to marry, and she knows because of who I am that I've thoroughly thought it through.

To our surprise, our engagement has been a time of growing closer to our families, and your parents might not be as unsupportive as you think, especially after learning about your long engagement.

Maybe consider your fiance asking them for your hand? This will show them that you are getting married to a courageous, well-spoken, family centered man. My fiance asked my father. He responded, "which one? I'll help you cut it off." Besides his dark sense of humor, he was very flattered and touched by the gesture.

zitiqueen · February 2012

You're hiding the fact that you're engaged from your parents? Gosh, I just can't imagine why they think you're too young and immature to get married.

07ultraclassic · February 2012

This sounds very complicated ...

Maybe consider it a 'promise ring' for now. Refer to the ring and the 'engagement commitment' when you [or your parents] think it's time.

That's a very, VERY big secret to try to hide, and some very important and influential people in your life have very strong opinions and thoughts on the subject. If you were to slip up and say something on accident, or talk wedding plans amongst your circle, and it were to get back to your parents, you may well be out on your thumbs and end up at the courthouse anyway and supporting yourselves before you planned.

I am the rebellious black sheep in an otherwise super-religious family ... I tried this 20 years ago. To say 'it didn't work' is an understatement. Very messy. No bueno.

Good luck to you guys.

blgrout · February 2012

OP, congrats on getting engaged! But, you are an adult, and if you and your FI are able to take care of yourselves, it seems silly to me for your mom to dictate what age you should get married at. If you are not in a place where you and FI can support yourselves, then waiting isn't the end of the world. Only you know where you guys are at, but keeping a secret like this can and very well may create extreme pressure for you.

And your ring is beautiful.

Chloeagh · February 2012

Interesting. Some board have people yelling that even if there's no ring or proposal and they aren't going to tell anyone, if the couple is planning to get married, they are engaged. And here I am, with a ring and proposal, I have been planning to marry this man I love for over a year, and because I don't want to tell people, people are telling me I shouldn't be engaged.

Some of you have been supportive and have given me good advice, but some of you have been unnecessarily judgemental and rude. I tried to explain my situation. Just because we are 20 and care what our parents think doesn't mean we are immature. You didn't see my dad's reaction to my sister jokingly telling him at Christmas that I was engaged. And my mom knows I want to marry FI, but whenever I mention marriage she always tells me that I'm too young. I'm taking 5 courses right now and FI is starting a business. We don't want to deal with the added stress of our families disapproving of our life choices. When the time is right, we will tell people. It's sad we can't now, but everyone will be happier in the long run if we keep this quiet for now. Call me immature, but I like having my parents like me and be proud of me. Based on the events of the last two months, no matter maturely I handle the situation, me getting engaged at 20 would not make them proud.

As far as my mom dictating when I get married, I should have clarified. She constantly tells me she won't support me getting married until I'm done with school and have my career established (at which point I will be 27 at the youngest). But that doesn't mean I'm going to listen to her. I am going to get married when I'm 23, whether she likes it or not. However, there's no reason to upset her now over something that won't take place for 3 years when I could spend the next two years having casual conversations and warming her up to the idea of me getting married.

saraschilling88 · February 2012

Chloeagh - I just wanted to say congrats on your engagement!!

My FI and I were together for 4 years before we got engaged (and I wore a promise to be engaged ring for 3 of those 4 years). I'm the youngest in my family so it was a shock to my Dad when my FI asked him for my hand in marriage (My Dad said yes as long as we didn't do it right away.. We got engaged in October, and are going to be married in August).. We had decided to do it in 1 or 2 years, and when we went home to see my parents they were ok with us doing it in 1 (my Mom had a bunch of wedding magazines ready to look at, as well as a bottle of wine to toast us with).. I guess I'm trying to say I understand the pressure to wait until you are older to get engaged and married.. My FI and I had been talking about wedding plans (and had been ring shopping for a good year almost 2 before he proposed), so we kind of considered ourselves engaged for that period of time. I won't tell you that you are too young to be married, you know in your heart if it is right or not (sounds cheesy but I believe it to be true). I also won't say to wait until you and your FI are living closer (My FI and I lived 1.5 hours apart for the first 2 years of our relationship, and that made it better because we got to know each other really well and we became best friends)!!

Good luck with your engagement, and stay strong in your commitment to each other!!

kellyt89 · February 2012

IMO you're too young to get engaged if one or both of you are still financially dependant on your parents.

I would love for BF and I to get engaged soon but he's still in grad school and his parents are helping with some expenses. Therefore, we'll just be happily dating for the next year and a half or so.

Engaged! But I can't tell anyone...

Re: Engaged! But I can't tell anyone...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards