Bridesmaids

cchavez2307 · August 2012

I just got engaged and need help with planning my bridesmaids. I am going to try and make this simple:

1. Is it proper to have someone be your bridesmaid because you were a bridesmaid in THEIR wedding?

2. One of my friends blurted out in a group text message that she can't wait to be my MOH. I was actually thinking of asking someone else. What do it do? I feel so awkward now.

3. Out of the 5, three of my bridesmaids are living out of state. Has anyone had experience with this?

4. Which is better in your experience, choose the friend who is your best friend as your MOH? Or the person who you feel will organize and plan the best?

Any input is helpful. Thanks!

kellyjohnson527 · August 2012

First of all, Congratulations!!! Here are my thoughts:

1. While it's nice if you want to include someone that had you in their wedding, you absolutely do NOT have to reciprocate. If you don't choose the people you want, you will be miserable. You're only going to do this once (hopefully

2. I totally get feeling awkward....something similar happened to my sister. It was even more awkward of her to assume that she's going to be your MOH. Something similar happened to my sister, where a close friend of her's assumed she was going to be in her wedding party, when my sister wasn't planning to ask her. My sister just kind of ignored it, and when the girl asked if she was going to be in my sister's wedding, my sister just told her that while she really valued their friendship, she was only having person x, y and z in the wedding. There's NO easy way to handle this, and I wish you the best of luck b/c it's so difficult when people do that.

3. Yep, I was in a wedding where 4 of the 6 were out of towners. It worked out just fine. Most people came in for the shower and bachelorette, and the ones that couldn't sent their love and it was fine.

4. Choose your best friend. Hands down!

JessAndTrav · August 2012

Congrats!

1. You do not have to reciprocate inviations in a wedding, whether it's to attend or be in the WP.

2. The girl who is vying to be your MOH is out of line with her commentary. I would probably see if i could get away with ignoring it, and if it comes up again, then I would handle it.

3. What Kelly said above.

4. Your best friend, for sure.

Kristin789 · August 2012

>>1. Is it proper to have someone be your bridesmaid because you were a bridesmaid in THEIR wedding?

Not really PROPER. You CAN do this but there's no RULE about it, so if you don't WANT to do this, don't do it.

>>2. One of my friends blurted out in a group text message that she can't wait to be my MOH. I was actually thinking of asking someone else. What do it do? I feel so awkward now.

Ask the Someone Else who YOU want to ask. People blurt out all kinds of things - doesn't mean that everyone around them has to do what they said or what they are passively-aggressively pushing for.

/>>3. Out of the 5, three of my bridesmaids are living out of state. Has anyone had experience with this?

Sure. Most of the girls here in this vacation place are from somewhere else, and their family moved here or they moved here by themselves, etc. And it usually works great. The out of state BMs fly in for the shower and for the bach and a couple of days early for the wedding.

>>4. Which is better in your experience, choose the friend who is your best friend as your MOH? Or the person who you feel will organize and plan the best?

Best friend.

azdancer8 · August 2012

1. Is it proper to have someone be your bridesmaid because you were a bridesmaid in THEIR wedding?
Your bridesmaids should be the people who you want to have standing beside you on your wedding day. Whether you were in their wedding does not matter.

2. One of my friends blurted out in a group text message that she can't wait to be my MOH. I was actually thinking of asking someone else. What do it do? I feel so awkward now.
Leave it be. Ask the person you want as your MOH. If this friend brings it up again, tell her you already have a MOH.

3. Out of the 5, three of my bridesmaids are living out of state. Has anyone had experience with this?
All of my BMs were from out of state. It was no big deal. My MOH was the only one I even saw more than once during our engagement. Just realize that it may be more difficult for them to attend/plan showers and such (which are optional, BTW).

4. Which is better in your experience, choose the friend who is your best friend as your MOH? Or the person who you feel will organize and plan the best? Any input is helpful. Thanks!
Your best friend. Hands down. My best friend and I were each other's MOHs (both from out of state). I was an organizer and planner - she very much was not. But I would never have chosen anyone else as my MOH.

GardenMaven · August 2012

1. Is it proper to have someone be your bridesmaid because you were a bridesmaid in THEIR wedding?

Everyone above pretty much covered this one. You are not required to reciprocate.

2. One of my friends blurted out in a group text message that she can't wait to be my MOH. I was actually thinking of asking someone else. What do it do? I feel so awkward now.

I agree that that is rather awkward! Go ahead and ask who you were originally going too.

3. Out of the 5, three of my bridesmaids are living out of state. Has anyone had experience with this?

Our entire wedding party lives out of state! And not even in the same states. The one thing I am paying close attention to is the bridesmaid dresses and whether or not there are stores that sell the same style near by each of my maids. I also plan on having a small bacherette party a day or two before the wedding, so that they don't have to make an extra trip.

4. Which is better in your experience, choose the friend who is your best friend as your MOH? Or the person who you feel will organize and plan the best?

I would go with best friend. If you think there will be a lot of tasks that need to be tackled and are worried about it, you can always have all the maids chip in. Group efforts are always good for big events! That way if one maid is better at organizing and leadership, they can shine in that role without stepping on toes.

Avion22 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-14?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31b937d1-fded-42dd-a53a-bf557380913dPost:3fb445fa-1745-4918-850c-712473c5faa6">Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I just got engaged and need help with planning my bridesmaids. I am going to try and make this simple: 1. Is it proper to have someone be your bridesmaid because you were a bridesmaid in THEIR wedding? 2. One of my friends blurted out in a group text message that she can't wait to be my MOH. I was actually thinking of asking someone else. What do it do? I feel so awkward now. 3. Out of the 5, three of my bridesmaids are living out of state. Has anyone had experience with this? 4. Which is better in your experience, choose the friend who is your best friend as your MOH? Or the person who you feel will organize and plan the best? Any input is helpful. Thanks!
Posted by cchavez2307[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>1. You shouldn't ask someone JUST because you were in their wedding. It'll probably only cause problems. But if this person is one of your closest friends, then of course it makes sense to do it. You don't have to have the same number of bridesmaids and groomsmen, so don't try to make even sides by asking someone you're not close to just because you were in her wedding.</div><div>
</div><div>2. She's a big girl. If she's not the one you end up picking as MOH, then she'll be okay with it....unless she think's she's your MOH because you told her she would be (maybe years ago?), then she might be upset if you passed her over for the "more organized" one (see #4).</div><div>
</div><div>3. Out of state shouldn't matter, as long as they can afford to travel to attend your wedding. With the internet, dress shopping shouldn't be a big deal.</div><div>
</div><div>4. I'm not sure why it would matter who is more organized. Your BMs/MOHs shouldn't be expected to "organize" anything. Their only responsibility is to buy a dress and show up sober and with a smile on their face. So yeah, definitely pick the one who is your best friend. If this is the same person from #2 who already think's she's your MOH, then you're good to go.</div>

Viczaesar · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-14?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31b937d1-fded-42dd-a53a-bf557380913dPost:9fd02cf2-4e06-4e83-b4c1-16c6974808e3">Re: Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]1. Is it proper to have someone be your bridesmaid because you were a bridesmaid in THEIR wedding? Everyone above pretty much covered this one. You are not required to reciprocate. 2. One of my friends blurted out in a group text message that she can't wait to be my MOH. I was actually thinking of asking someone else. What do it do? I feel so awkward now. I agree that that is rather awkward! Go ahead and ask who you were originally going too. 3. Out of the 5, three of my bridesmaids are living out of state. Has anyone had experience with this? Our entire wedding party lives out of state! And not even in the same states. The one thing I am paying close attention to is the bridesmaid dresses and whether or not there are stores that sell the same style near by each of my maids. I also plan on having a small bacherette party a day or two before the wedding, so that they don't have to make an extra trip. 4. Which is better in your experience, choose the friend who is your best friend as your MOH? Or the person who you feel will organize and plan the best? I would go with best friend. If you think there will be a lot of tasks that need to be tackled and are worried about it, you can always have all the maids chip in. Group efforts are always good for big events! That way if one maid is better at organizing and leadership, they can shine in that role without stepping on toes.
Posted by GardenMaven[/QUOTE]
And by "have all the maids chip in" you mean ask them nicely, with no expectation of help planning your wedding, and accept it graciously if they don't want to help or can't help, right?

waitingtotry · August 2012

NO!!! You are never obligated to put someone in your wedding party just because you were in theirs!! I did this and it has been an absolute nightmare with her since! I have regretted asking her since day one! You should choose them based on how good of friends they are, not because you feel you owe them/what they could do for you/because they're family. I have two out of town bridesmaids, but its not an issue if your girls can communicate through Facebook or email with each other. Also, try to get them all together, if possible, so they can get to know each other before the showers or even the wedding day. Two of mine won't meet until the wedding and I'm sure it'll be weird for them since they're polar opposites. I would also suggest choosing the MOH you want, and you can either pretend not to have heard her comment about being MOH or you can tell her you already had intentions of asking that other person, but you absolutely HAVE to have her as a bridesmaid it might soften the blow if she sees you genuinely want her to experience that with you. However if its just a different girl in your group, you might want to say how she has more time/you knew her first/she introduced you to fiance,etc etc Overall, I wished I has waited to pick mine instead of having it done over a year prior to my wedding. I highly recommend waiting a bit closer if youre over a year out. You don't want to have one of your girls not responding to any form of communication, or tell you her dress is coming in the week before the wedding since she ordered it late or not even responding to the shower invite yep, it sucks!. But then again you might have much better friends than I do! :

msuprincess04 · August 2012

1. No, relationships change. It's part of life. Pick who is most important to you 9 months before the wedding, and not before then, because, as noted earlier, relationships change.

2. It is awkward and totally out of place for her to say something. Don't feed the drama, don't bring it up to anyone else, and pick who is most important to you.

3. Not a problem. I've been an out of town BM. I bought a dress, flew up for the shower, looked nice in pictures, and partied my booty off at the wedding. It's pretty easy really.

4. Your MOH is your best friend, not an employee. And who chooses their friends based on what they can do for them? How selfish is that!??! Also, you'll hear this a lot here, your BM/MOH is not required to do anything beyond buy a dress, show up sober, and smile for pictures. Anything else is a gift and can be given by anyone if anyone chooses to do so.

zitiqueen · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-14?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:31b937d1-fded-42dd-a53a-bf557380913dPost:9fd02cf2-4e06-4e83-b4c1-16c6974808e3">Re: Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE] 4. Which is better in your experience, choose the friend who is your best friend as your MOH? Or the person who you feel will organize and plan the best? I would go with best friend. If you think there will be a lot of tasks that need to be tackled and are worried about it, you can always have all the maids chip in. Group efforts are always good for big events! That way if one maid is better at organizing and leadership, they can shine in that role without stepping on toes.
Posted by GardenMaven[/QUOTE]

No, you ask your Fi if you need help. It's his wedding, not your BMs.

amyelise25 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-14?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31b937d1-fded-42dd-a53a-bf557380913dPost:5d01450f-9797-4ddb-a454-4a8cf0e821bc">Re: Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaids : No, you ask your Fi if you need help. It's his wedding, not your BMs.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

Amen Ziti, Amen!

cchavez2307 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-14?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31b937d1-fded-42dd-a53a-bf557380913dPost:eb700df6-2d72-4e3e-9c1f-b6c04b23530b">Re: Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE] 1. No, relationships change. It's part of life. Pick who is most important to you 9 months before the wedding, and not before then, because, as noted earlier, relationships change. 2. It is awkward and totally out of place for her to say something. Don't feed the drama, don't bring it up to anyone else, and pick who is most important to you. 3. Not a problem. I've been an out of town BM. I bought a dress, flew up for the shower, looked nice in pictures, and partied my booty off at the wedding. It's pretty easy really. 4. Your MOH is your best friend, not an employee. And who chooses their friends based on what they can do for them? How selfish is that!??! Also, you'll hear this a lot here, your BM/MOH is not required to do anything beyond buy a dress, show up sober, and smile for pictures. Anything else is a gift and can be given by anyone if anyone chooses to do so.
Posted by msuprincess04[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Hmm, perhaps this was taken out of context. Chances are, I will still be doing most of the stuff/planning. I was more thinking of someone that would be more supportive (not a good "employee") when it comes to everything.

</div>

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