Moms and Maids

MIL making me crazier (vent) kinda long

So my FMIL and I have always gotten along fine. We're not super close or anything but shes nice. Since we've been wedding planning she's driving me a little crazier than I already am.

First it was the hotel. She wanted us to stay in the same hotel with her and her family (the wedding is not at a hotel). I/we (mostly me, I'll be honest) didn't really want to because of privacy and the fact that I just wanted to relax the night before after we're done the RD. She was all upset about this because she wanted to hang out the night before and see her son in the morning. As far as I know he plans on golfing and then getting ready with the guys. So we haven't booked a hotel yet but will soon.

Now it's the rehearsal dinner which she generously offered to pay for with FFIL. Great. I picked a place thats in the budget and nice with amazing food. She isn't sure if we can have it there now because the menu will change for summer and she need's to have steak on it for FFIL. Ok, usually restaurant's have some steak option on there and this one does for the winter menu. She say's since they are paying for it there should be something they like to eat which yes, I do understand and agree but it just annoys me since my mom is paying for the entire reception (170ish ppl) and hasn't said a word about our food or anything else.

Now comes the issue of having no young kids there. I have an 11 year old brother who will be going. FI has a 2 year old niece. FMIL says she has to go. I say she doesn't. I want it to be adults/older kids and FI says he doesn't really care either way. My MOH with all have a 6 month old who will not be invited. She knows this and respects it too. I also just found out I did not go to my dad's wedding (he married when I was 3) and I am not hurt at all haha.

What do you think about this stuff? Some of them are just little but it's really annoying that my mom is being so supportive and his is not and kind of making it about her family. I am stressed enough about planning (which is fun but hard since we're doing it from 1500 miles away). Also, we are in the process of trying to move and find new jobs and FILs know this.

Did you guys have similar experiences and how did they pan out in the end? Thanks for any input :)

Re: MIL making me crazier (vent) kinda long

  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-making-crazier-vent-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:6d3c3b86-bbbf-4b30-ba15-05bed2445196Post:2a8c4ea1-8b22-432f-84c1-fb271b1d6cdc">MIL making me crazier (vent) kinda long</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my FMIL and I have always gotten along fine. We're not super close or anything but shes nice. Since we've been wedding planning she's driving me a little crazier than I already am. First it was the hotel. She wanted us to stay in the same hotel with her and her family (the wedding is not at a hotel). I/we (mostly me, I'll be honest) didn't really want to because of privacy and the fact that I just wanted to relax the night before after we're done the RD. She was all upset about this because she wanted to hang out the night before and see her son in the morning. As far as I know he plans on golfing and then getting ready with the guys. So we haven't booked a hotel yet but will soon. Now it's the rehearsal dinner which she generously offered to pay for with FFIL. Great. I picked a place thats in the budget and nice with amazing food. She isn't sure if we can have it there now because the menu will change for summer and she need's to have steak on it for FFIL. Ok, usually restaurant's have some steak option on there and this one does for the winter menu. She say's since they are paying for it there should be something they like to eat which yes, I do understand and agree but it just annoys me since my mom is paying for the entire reception (170ish ppl) and hasn't said a word about our food or anything else. Now comes the issue of having no young kids there. I have an 11 year old brother who will be going. FI has a 2 year old niece. FMIL says she has to go. I say she doesn't. I want it to be adults/older kids and FI says he doesn't really care either way. My MOH with all have a 6 month old who will not be invited. She knows this and respects it too. I also just found out I did not go to my dad's wedding (he married when I was 3) and I am not hurt at all haha. What do you think about this stuff? Some of them are just little but it's really annoying that my mom is being so supportive and his is not and kind of making it about her family. I am stressed enough about planning (which is fun but hard since we're doing it from 1500 miles away). Also, we are in the process of trying to move and find new jobs and FILs know this. Did you guys have similar experiences and how did they pan out in the end? Thanks for any input :)
    Posted by jmconley08[/QUOTE]

    This is all about picking and choosing your battles.

    Battle 1: Hotel arrangements
    Do you two really need to relax so much that you can't be in the same hotel as FMIL?  Unless there are huge boundary issues with her, I'm not getting why you all can't stay in the same place.   I'd just ensure that you two stay nowhere near anyone else.  If it's that big a deal, get a different hotel but for logistics, it may be easier to do this.  Remember, your FI *is* her son and it's quite understandable that she's going to want some alone time with him before one of the biggest days of his life.

    Battle 2: The RD - AKA "I don't care what they make as long as it's steak"
    Can you call the restaurant and say that you want to book the RD there for the summer but it hinges upon their summer meal options?  Some places rotate the seasonal menu but the varations are on a theme.  Like you say, they won't eliminate the steak but the preparation may change.  See if that's an option.  If it isn't then search with FMIL to find a place.  Maybe you two can even bond over it but ultimately it's her choice.

    Battle 3: The infamous kids battle
    Can you make the cutoff to be children of immediate family only?  I'm a parent and one of the first advocates of child-only weddings but sometimes it can be harder than it's worth to make that happen.   If it's going to be a huge issue I'd just invite the 2 yo.  

    I wouldn't interpret these issues as your FMIL being unsupportive.  She's wanting to do what she can to try to please and be pleased.  Some people are more opinionated than others but remember - when all is over you're going to be in that family so compromise is going to be key.
  • jmconley08jmconley08 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    thanks.

    my concern about the hotel came from when she said she wanted to hang out the night before the wedding and that I could sleep in the next day.. um no and no. FI is her son and i can see that she'd want to spend time with him of course but he can go to her hotel for them to see each other right.

    I am trying not to care about the food. Hey, I like steak too. But i disagree that it's her choice totally. I will however email the place and have them email her to say they will be serving steak this summer. Thank you.

    And good idea about the two year old and the sitter. Her dad won't be at our wedding so hoping she can just stay with him.

    Thanks for the advice :)
  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The biggest issue with the hotel is to just set boundaries.  Your FI gets to say, "Mom, our hotel room is private but I promise that we will have our quality time together."  There's no reason she needs to be in your room.  You don't control the entire hotel though so there are ample opportunities for them to get together that don't involve a car ride.

    The issue with the RD is that she should take your and your FI's desires into hosting but bottom line is that she gets to make the final decisions.  She's paying so it's her money and her ultimate decision.  The only way you get around that is to decline the offer and host it yourselves.  But there are probably tons of compromises here.

    With the 2 yo you can say, "Well, since his father won't be there, we assumed that he will be watching him.  If that doesn't work and you need to find a sitter just let me know."
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I agree with banana about the hotel room.  Just set your boundries, like the night before we want to be alone and relax, but if she wants to see her son the day of the wedding then that is perfectly acceptable (you will be busy getting ready so it shouldn't really matter).

    The RD, well since they are paying for it they do have a say as to where to have it and what food will be served.

    There are just certain battles that aren't worth fighting.  In the end, the day will go by so fast that you won't really care if a 2 year old is at your wedding because you won't even notice her.  Or that your RD took place at a different restaurant...you probably won't even remember the food because you will be excited about the next day and talking and laughing with your family and friends.  Or that you stayed in the same hotel as your in-laws...will it really matter all that much if you FMIL stops by your room after the RD to talk with her son and give him a hug goodnight.

    You need to take a step back from all the little details and look at the whole picture...will any of these things really ruin your wedding?

  • RaptorSLHRaptorSLH member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm going to side with the OP on the hotel issue.  FMIL's request sounds like a warning sign for boundary issues to me.  There's a difference between wanting to spend time with someone before the event, and demanding that you control where they sleep so that you have more access.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-making-crazier-vent-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6d3c3b86-bbbf-4b30-ba15-05bed2445196Post:b245defd-dfe0-4e97-af84-f6279256987b">Re: MIL making me crazier (vent) kinda long</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm going to side with the OP on the hotel issue.  FMIL's request sounds like a warning sign for boundary issues to me.  There's a difference between wanting to spend time with someone before the event, and demanding that you control where they sleep so that you have more access.
    Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]

    From a previous post the OP made, her FMIL was paying for her and her FI hotel room for the wedding weekend so the FMIL does have a say over where they will be staying...just FYI

  • CowgirlK39CowgirlK39 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-making-crazier-vent-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6d3c3b86-bbbf-4b30-ba15-05bed2445196Post:2a8c4ea1-8b22-432f-84c1-fb271b1d6cdc">MIL making me crazier (vent) kinda long</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my FMIL and I have always gotten along fine. We're not super close or anything but shes nice. Since we've been wedding planning she's driving me a little crazier than I already am. First it was the hotel. She wanted us to stay in the same hotel with her and her family (the wedding is not at a hotel). I/we (mostly me, I'll be honest) didn't really want to because of privacy and the fact that I just wanted to relax the night before after we're done the RD. She was all upset about this because she wanted to hang out the night before and see her son in the morning. As far as I know he plans on golfing and then getting ready with the guys. So we haven't booked a hotel yet but will soon. Posted by jmconley08[/QUOTE]

    This sounds like something my FMIL would do, because she has boundary issues and feels that if she isn't 100% involved in every aspect of our life, she is being ignored. Not sure if yours is the same way, but this is an issue that would drive me nuts. Does she do this to you often, or tend to invite herself over places? If its just something she is doing because of the wedding, I think perhaps you could work out a compromise where maybe he can have dinner with her the night before or go out for drinks, just to say he "hung out" with her, then you two can have your own hotel or even a totally separate floor of the hotel. If she tends to push this type of stuff often (like mine does) then he needs to inform her she is once again pushing the boundaries because if you give her an inch, she will probably take a foot. It depends how she is though.
  • jmconley08jmconley08 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Cowgirl! YESS!! We haven't really involved her but haven't involved my mom either. I'm pretty independent and just want to get stuff done. Their family is REALLY close (like too close for me, but hey to each his own ya know) and mine isn't. I mean we all love each other and stuff but its like my mom doesn't feel the need to be involved in every thought I think.

    His sister has actually told me that I am pushing his family away... really?!? lol it's totally rediculous. UGH! haha

    She has been doing this a lot since wedding planning but when I think back on it also NEEDED to help us move when we moved out of state a year ago. I did like the help but was annoyed the whole time haha.

    And we are having our rehearsal dinner the night before so it's not like we won't see his family.

    you said exactly what I was thinking. THANK YOU! haha I was thinking I was the only one who needed some MIL space :)

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