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Etiquette

should brother in law get +1??

so long story short, my future Brother in law & his gf broke up in Oct. Well they are both in our wedding party.  No big deal cuz my Fiancé told them in Sept when they were still together, in the event of a breakup, no +1s for either of them. They both agreed. Well fast forward to now and of course Brother in law already has a new gf.  No idea if it will last. I’m not really friends with the new gf. But his family thinks that it's not a good idea that we aren’t' giving his brother a +1, their thoughts are what if they end up together and that this will be over our heads that we didn't invite her to our wedding.. In order to have everyone we want come, we've asked our friends not to bring dates. And I know this will hurt my Bridesmaid’s (his ex) feeling if she sees him with a date and she did not get. They argument is he is family and my friend/bridemaid isn’t family. I didn’t even give my own brother a +1, So I don’t see the big deal. We are having our wedding party sit with us so she would be with guest she doesn’t know. What to do?? Help.. Ideas

Re: should brother in law get +1??

  • If he is seeing someone, it's not considered a +1 anymore, it's considered inviting the social unit.  If your brother or your bridesmaid have a SO, they should be invited too.
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  • MilkDuds, I admire both the quality of your advice and the patience with which you give it.

    OP, do what MilkDuds said. 
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  • In Response to Re: should brother in law get +1??:
    [QUOTE]MilkDuds, I admire both the quality of your advice and the patience with which you give it. OP, do what MilkDuds said. 
    Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]



    This. Milkduds is always so nice about giving advice.

    OP please give the plus one. Social units should not be split up.
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  • Agree, they are not a +1 if in a relationship and you can not split that up.
  • People in relationships should not be split up for your wedding. They should get the plus one.  It's not up to you to decide if it's serious or not, you just give them the plus one.  I have declined invites for events when people have said, "oh, it's just a boyfriend, it's not serious yet".  Well, what's serious for me is for me to determine.

    I'd give your FBIL the plus one, as well as those in your wedding party plus ones.  Make sure you have space to do so first, of course, but accomodate that at the very least. Think of how you'd feel if you were in the ex girlfriend's shoes--how would you want the bride to handle things? I'd want a plus one to not feel awkward. 
  • man....what a pickle! for one reason and one reason only....BOTH of them agreed that when the time came, they were OK with not having a +1. 

    I do think you should invite everyone who is in a relationship with their +1....family or not.  I understand that the BM's feelings may be sensitive....but really they would be no matter what. I would think that she could put on her big girl panties for your wedding. 

  • Weddings are about celebrating couples and love, so it doesn't make sense to split couples up and make them attend a wedding to ooh and aah over how in love you two are, whilst not having their 'other half' with them (in terms of wedding invites, couples are a whole, and you can't invite just half of a whole).

    Please reconsider your invite list for everyone in a relationship, including your BIL.  ANYONE in a relationship (no matter for how long) at the time your invites go out, should be invited with their SO.  It is very, very rude to not invite couples together.

    I understand your concern about your BM being upset to see your BIL with a new GF, but that's part of being an adult.  People move on, he did, and she should too.  If you are that concerned about it though, you should let her bring a guest also, even if she's not in a relationship.
    Anniversary
  • First, your FI made this deal with his brother and his then-gf LAST SEPTEMBER.  That's a YEAR from the wedding date, which is way too early to be picking your BP.

    Next, it's common that everyone in your BP gets a +1, even at weddings like yours where regular guests can only get a +1 if they are engaged or married.  Your BIL and his exgf are both in your BP, so they should get a +1.  Your FI really shouldn't have proposed the deal where if they break up, neither one gets a +1.

    Finally, your invitations won't go out until mid-July.  This is January.  So no decisions need to be made NOW, even if BIL is pushing.

    Let this ride until July4 and see who BIL brings to the holiday picnic.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to should brother in law get +1??:
    [QUOTE]No big deal cuz my Fiancé told them in Sept when they were still together, in the event of a breakup, no +1s for either of them. 
    Posted by geckos241[/QUOTE]

    I don't understand why he would say something like that to them.  
    In any event, the new girlfriend has to be invited.  She is a s/o, not a +1.  If the ex can't get over it and deal with the fact that he's moved on, she can stay home.  She doesn't get to dictate when her ex starts seeing other people.  
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I don't get the "deal" your FI made with BIL and now exgf.  Why would anyone say, if you break up, you're not getting a plus one.  Of course, they are going to agree with the "deal", neither one of them probably saw any problems in the relationship to consider the chance they would be broken up in the future.  But things change and they broke up.  It was RUDE of your FI to say anything about a possible break up!

    It is even ruder to be breaking up any social units, ie your friends.  You should have either found a larger or move affordable venue to accomodate any SO of your friends and family.  Or you should have cut your guest list down.
  • When they made this "deal" they were together and *hopefully* weren't expecting to already by in another relationship. 
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    First, the deal is just stupid.  Think about it, how could they not agree to it? They were still together, so it's not like they would say "sorry I want an option of a date in the event we breakup".  See how silly the 'deal' is to begin with? Of course they 'agreed'.  They didn't really have a choice.

    Second - this is not a +1.  A +1 is random date, friend, companion, whatever.  GF is a SO and SOs need to be invited.  

    FWIW - DH and I met in Oct and were living together by Dec and engaged by Feb, are you really saying you would go to him and said "well we had a deal?". 

     I would be pissed and hurt if I was dating someone for 9+ months and was told I was not invited to my BF's brothers wedding because his ex-GF was there.   That is pretty disrespectful to the brother's relationship.










    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • lyn, what kind of puppy do you have? 
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  • If no one else gets +1 then he dosent either. Sorry.
    When we made the choice orginally we were only going to invite people who had been together over a year or were engaged/married as a couple and everyone else as a single.
    I recently had to make this decison with my sister who is my MOH she left her SO of 4 Years and we decided to only give her a +1 because we had already taken her ex into head count otherwise she wouldnt be gettting another +1.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to Re: should brother in law get +1??:
    [QUOTE]lyn, what kind of puppy do you have? 
    Posted by TiffannieF[/QUOTE]

    English Bulldog. 






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • SO STICKIN CUTE!!!!!!!!!
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  • In Response to Re: should brother in law get +1??:
    [QUOTE]If no one else gets +1 then he dosent either. Sorry. When we made the choice orginally we were only going to invite people who had been together over a year or were engaged/married as a couple and everyone else as a single. I recently had to make this decison with my sister who is my MOH she left her SO of 4 Years and we decided to only give her a +1 because we had already taken her ex into head count otherwise she wouldnt be gettting another +1.
    Posted by 1BabyFritsch[/QUOTE]

    OP - Don't listen to this poster.  Her advice is rude and horrible. 

    Baby - It's not up to you to decide if a couple is serious or not.  1 year of dating?  Really?  Are we in high school?  Why such an arbitrary number?  H and I were engaged at 6 months. 

    Only TRULY single people are to be invited as singles.  You are being incredibly rude and judgemental. 
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to Re: should brother in law get +1??:
    [QUOTE]SO STICKIN CUTE!!!!!!!!!
    Posted by TiffannieF[/QUOTE]

    Thx... Here another 






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I hope I'm not making myself a target of an attack by saying this, but the +1 is a difficult issue. Has anyone been in the position where wedding budget has dictated what happens to +1's? There was no possibility of having +1's at our wedding. Anyone who has been in a relationship for 6+ months has their SO invited too. I would've loved to have the +1's but unless the wedding fairy was going to donate an extra $10k (didn't happen funnily enough), we had to apply the same rules to everyone on the list. We want to have people at our wedding that we both know and feel that we will still see 10 years into the future.
  • It dosent bother me that you peole think it is rude. Us setting our limit on people who were only  in a relationship for a year(ish) or more made us able to have everyting we want incorporated in our wedding and not have a bunch of people we dont know wondering around our reception we felt like if  we had known people for over a year then we knew them well enough to have them spend a special part of our lives with us.
    Since our guest list would be close to 250 allowing everyone to just bring whoever they wanted and without it we are looking more like 210 and the expense(almost 3000) of the extra people we dont know and who dont know us was just to great.
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  • Its funny to me that everyone on here is so worried about what the guest think and tell people it is your parents money they can spend it how they want but when it comes to a bride and groom making decidions with there own money about things like who to give a +1 your so negitive I guess it is a one way street with you people.
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  • LD1970LD1970 member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I was engaged at 4 months & married at a year.  Your 6+ months & year+ rules are seriously arbitrary.

    And, yes it's rude.  Had either of you invited me to your wedding without my now-H, I'd have declined.  And not sent a gift.  And probably not be speaking to you now.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
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