Thoughts?

Zinnecker09 · September 2010

I just want to get people's opinions on this.

My BF is Catholic, and I am Reformed. Since we are starting to talk about marriage, how we want to raise kids, etc, I keep thinking back to religion.

We both agree that religion is important to us, and we try to improvise by attending different services to see what we like, but we haven't exactly decided what we're going to do/what kind of church we are going to attend in the future.

I'm open to considering Catholicism, however, for some reason, my dad is completely against it (I realize it's my choice...); my BF doesn't think it's that big of a deal, and we can just go to Catholic and Reformed services. I feel differently - especially once kids come into the picture, I want them to be able to have a stable religion. Plus, it'd be nice to know when picking a church to get married in!!

I know we still have plenty of time to figure this stuff out, but I'm just curious how other couples have handled this, what other experiences have been, and how you chose the church you were married in.

bethsmiles · September 2010

BF and I have decided to go the non-denominational route. We aren't all that into the details of different theologies but thats us. I don't know how different Catholic and reformed (is that just protestant? what is that?) but if they aren't that different I agree with your BF that its really not that big of a deal. Even within one religion you have a bunch of differing opinions, 2 Catholic churches could have entirely differing opinions on issues.

IMO as long as both churches teach the basic same idea your children aren't going to be that confused by going to different churches. I went to different denominations (we went to Lutheran churches, Presbyterian churches, Catholic churches, ect.) as a child and I didn't feel that my religious upbringing was unstable. Actually I feel that I got a more well-rounded religious educational experience.

CWill16 · September 2010

Story time:

My family is FILLED with converters (which is why I am not very religious)

My dad converted from Catholic to Methodist when he married my mom. Met by much opposition from my grandparents.

On my mom's side of the family:
1) her father was raised Jewish, but converted and became a Methodist when my grandparents adopted my mother in the 50s. It was a requirement for adoption that they be of the same religion.
2) My grandfather's mother converted to Judaism from Christianity when she married my great grandfather and converted back when he died

Basically, the individuals who was less committed to their individual religion converted.

My boss is Catholic and her husband is Jewish. Their two children are being brought up Jewish. She attends temple sometimes but they understand their mom is Catholic.

You really just have to find out what works for you and your family. Neither one of you should compromise what you believe. IMO, The idea that your children see both types of services might be good for them. They will get to pick what they believe instead of having it chosen for them. It could also make them more accepting of other religions and understand them better.

desertsun · September 2010

Um, this might sound a little creepy, but...I grew up in Fremont. Is that where you're from? I think we might know each other!

But in response to your post: how would your BF and his family feel about having your wedding in a Reformed church and raising your children Reformed? It seems like that might be the easiest solution if they don't have an issue with it.

deburnin · September 2010

My parents aren't religious in the organized religion sense. My dad is Native American and in his family the Catholic Church is very disliked for transgressions in the family's past. It's not talked about but I'm pretty sure it has to do with the Native boarding schools. My mom was raised... Baptist, I think? Other than my dad telling me that the Creator will always be there for me, religion wasn't discussed and we were allowed to make our own decisions (although me and my siblings were christened at the request of the person who married my parents).

I went through a time when I was very interested in Christianity and my parents (even my father) supported me and found people to take me to church even though they didn't attend. I didn't end up considering myself Christian, but I was very glad that my parents were supportive of me exploring my spirituality. I, personally, really liked their approach and BF and I have agreed we will do the same for any future children even though neither of us are religious. For that reason, I wouldn't see an issue in allowing your future children to attend both types of services.

GreenPepperBurger · September 2010

I am Jewish and BF is technically half. In the Jewish religion, you are what your mother is (this varies in other religions, I think), so we would basically consider any prospective children Jewish (I am however, open to secular symbols like a Christmas tree). It's very important to me to get married by a Rabbi and have the traditional Jewish ceremony/wedding. BF respects that, but also voiced some concern about his step-father (who basically raised him and is a Born Again Christian) and the role of his religion in our future wedding. While things still need to (obviously) be hashed out and nothing is set in stone, we may just go to his father's church a week or so before the wedding and have his father bless us.

loves2shop4shoes · September 2010

FI and I are both Catholic, except FI is actually Catholic and I was raised Catholic and am now a "Catholic with Agnostic tendencies", as I prefer to call it. FI really wants to get married in a Catholic church, where I have a really problem looking a priest in the eye and promising to raise my babies Catholic, when I don't know if that's true.

It's really all about compromise. I know it would mean a lot to FI and to my family if we had a Catholic ceremony, so that's what we'll probably do. I'm not thrilled with it, but I can suck it up.

Once baby talk starts coming around, we may need to seriously church shop or figure out our theological differences.

Elle1036 · September 2010

BF is tecnhically Catholic, but he only goes to church on certain holidays when he goes with his parents. I am very happily non-religious. Even though his religion dictates that he should be married in a Catholic church, we thankfully agree that a church wedding is very not us. We'll be having a secular ceremony.

Once we are married, we will just continue to practice (or not) in the way that makes us comfortable as individuals.

HeartOverMind · September 2010

I am a Southern Baptist and BF grew up Methodist. We are both Christians so I don't really see any problems in the future. BF doesn't really like my church and he doesn't really attend church regularly, but when we marry church is going to be part of our lives. I would love if we could go to a So. Bap. church, but it's not about the denomination. I just want to attend a church that teaches from the Bible and they don't add or take anything away from the Word.

Oh yeah, and you don't have to be married in a church to have a religious ceremony.

Also, the way I have usually seen it. The mother of the children usually influence the religious habits of her (younger) children. Obviously, once they are grown they can choose for themselves.

motoLyn · September 2010

I have a story to share, a close friend of mine just got engaged two weeks ago. She and her FI had been dating for 3 years. He's very religious (catholic) even teaches history in a private catholic school. She on the other hand is an atheist. They knew this from the beginning and still they wanted to marry each other. I'm not sure how they will deal with the wedding about where to do the ceremony. But I had a discussion with her once where I asked her about how the kids would be raised. She told me that she wouldn't attend Sunday mass but she would have the kids raised catholic.

I was raised buddhist, and my BF family are Evangelical Lutheran Church. Though I have experienced other religions. But neither of us are religious. I consider myself more agnostic than anything. We're having a non denominational ceremony. Actually in Asain weddings there is no ceremony with a minister/priest. So we're having one to appease his side of the family and a tea ceremony for my side of the family.

I'm sure that some compromise will come about after some thorough discussions. Just stay honest and true.

emelri27 · September 2010

I haven't had much issue as BF and I are both protestant Christian, but my brother and sister-in-law have gone through something similar. She is Catholic and my brother is Methodist. Before they had kids they both attended some Catholic and some Methodist services, but now since they have a son they only go to one service. They chose the Catholic one, but it really depends on the couple. I also have friends who were seriously considering marriage and were dating for two years, but because of religious differences that neither were willing to compromise, they broke up. (Sorry, I don't want to be a downer.) I hope you can work something out!!!

[Deleted User] · September 2010

BF and I are both from Catholic backgrounds but neither of us are very religious (read: we don't go to church regularly) but our mothers are... and it would break their hearts if we didnt get married in church... Despite the fact that I admit I'm not religious, I wouldnt dream of NOT getting married in Church so our decision is very easy... We've both agreed to get married in the church I grew up in... I was baptized and received communion there, my grandfathers funeral mass was held there... AND, when my 'brother' married his 'sister', their wedding was there, as well as, my older sisters wedding... Clearly, this particular church has served many events in our family history...

breezerb · September 2010

My boyfriends family are all practicing Catholics and while he considers himself of Catholic faith he does attend mass regularly. I was baptised Protestant but do not attend service. When we marry I will convert to Catholicism because although it is not necessarily important to me, it is really important to his family.
Also, when we have children I want them to be able to attend Catholic School because in our area those children seem to receive more funding and a better education. I will never push it on them as they get older and if they decide they want to go to public school, that's fine by me though.

leia1979 · September 2010

FI and I are not regular church-goers, but we were both raised some sort of Christian, and he has no problem coming to church with my mom and I for holidays. We also don't plan to have children, which prevents a lot of issues. We haven't yet discussed whether we may want a minister to conduct our wedding ceremony.

I have friends who have had some awesome mixed weddings. One couple had (all in one day) a Catholic ceremony, a tea ceremony (Vietnamese), and a Jewish ceremony. The hardest part was finding a rabbi liberal enough to be cool with the fact that they weren't really sure how they'd raise kids or even if they'd have kids.

Bec20 · September 2010

I was raised Catholic, but we never attended Mass regularly. My immediate family always goes on Christmas, Easter, and Good Friday, but other than that our attendence is sporatic. I don't think it helps that there is only one English-speaking Catholic Church around us (the other two are French) and the way the priest speaks and drags out certain syllables distracts me.

BF is athiest. Both of his parents seem to be agnostic, but he was not raised with religion at all. He has said that when we get married, he will have no issues with marrying in the Catholic Church if that is what I want to do. If I was super religious we might have more issues, but as it is we both are able to accept the other's views.

heyimbren · September 2010

How important is church to both/either of you? It can be very tricky to work out.

I know getting married within the Catholic church is trickier than the Protestant church. For example, for it to be a sacrament, I believe you need to promise to raise your children in the Catholic faith if you're married within the Catholic church. I think. There's little things like that. You should talk about that as well (which is also what pre-marital counselling is great for).

BF and I are both protestant. But he's Adventist and goes to church on Saturdays. For now, we attend each of our own churches regularly and occasionally attend the other's as well.

I think both you and your BF should explore both Catholicism and the Reformed church as well as others. Have you considered Anglican at all? It's a bit of a mix between Protestant and Catholic. Look at non-denominational churches as well like Beth suggested.

PaigeMcC · September 2010

Personally, I don't go to Church. Neither does FBD. Neither of us were raised in a Church but we each have similar values/ideas/beliefs so it's never been something we've had to worry about. However, I agree with PPs. I think you should explore all your options and weigh out what is really important to you before making this decision.

emelydiaz87 · September 2010

My FI and I were raised in different churches. I go to an episcopal church and he started going with me and really likes it!! It is a mixture of catholic and reformed church pratices. As we like to call it "Catholic light"!! I think you two should go out to different churches and see what you like. We have a lot of Catholics that now go to our church and really enjoy it becasue it is a good compromise between the two faiths.... In the end I think you will find a church that both of you enjoy

frenchy730 · September 2010

It's possible to maintain your spirituality and study on your own outside of an organized church. I also personally don't see anything wrong with pulling in values, traditions, and beliefs from different religions. You are free to teach your children whatever religious values you want to teach them (or not) whether in a church setting or not.

If belonging to a church community is important to you and your FI, try out as many different ones as you can and find one that fits you both well.

Zinnecker09 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_thoughts-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:c1237101-4d64-4a39-8795-7ec4ea04bb75Post:52c2effb-ef08-4d22-80c5-861d11779bf7">Re: Thoughts?</a>:
[QUOTE]t...I grew up in Fremont. Is that where you're from?[/QUOTE]

Yep - I am! When did you graduate?

And...thanks for the advice, ladies. Fortunately, we're both open and willing to compromise...just need to figure out how :)

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