What are you asking for help with from friends/fam?

gottadance64 · August 2012

I was just reading an article in Brides mag about asking bridesmaids, MOH, mom, family to help where needed, so you don't feel overwhelmed. I am a control freak, so I hadn't really thought of doing this, but it seems like a good idea for certain things. Of course, three of my four BMs and my mom are all out of state, but maybe there are a couple of things they could do - look up stuff, etc. Anyway, wondering if you are asking for help with anything and, if so, what?

kmmssg · August 2012

Most people here don't buy off on those kind of articles or when you see the list of "duties and responsibilities" for BM's and MOH and GM.

If someone ASKS what they can do then great! Ask them to help you with something. If no one volunteers, it is up to you and your FI to make things happen. I am one of those people who will come and ask you how I can help if I know you well. Not everyone is comfortable with that/wants to volunteer/has time to volunteer. It is great to delegate something to a volunteer. If people haven't volunteered their time, it is impolite to just decide to delegate a task to them.

gottadance64 · August 2012

This wasn't a list of duties and responsibilities...it was just a reminder that if you need help, to ask for it - which I don't think is wrong - and for someone like me, is a good thing. After all - aren't your fam and best friends the people you rely on to help you when you need it. I think maybe the word "delegate" comes across as strong. I'm very "Martha" and want to have control over details, but at the same time, when you're doing something like addressing envelopes, etc., I don't think it's wrong to ask in a nice way if someone has time to lend a hand.

jagore08 · August 2012

I didn't delegate anything unless they asked to do something. My MIL asked if she could make our card box (she's crafty) but that was it. My sister offered and threw my bridal shower, I had no Bach party because it wasn't offered. In other words, unless they offer to help, don't give them tasks.

jagore08 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-are-you-delegating-to-mohbms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7312d12f-192b-4f47-972a-15d377fe5093Post:cde13dfc-6e6e-4a8c-9e25-a1546e346447">Re: What are you delegating to MOH/BMs?</a>:
[QUOTE]This wasn't a list of duties and responsibilities...it was just a reminder that if you need help, to ask for it - which I don't think is wrong - and for someone like me, is a good thing. After all - aren't your fam and best friends the people you rely on to help you when you need it. I think maybe the word "delegate" comes across as strong. I'm very "Martha" and want to have control over details, but at the same time, when you're doing something like addressing envelopes, etc., I don't think it's wrong to ask in a nice way if someone has time to lend a hand.
Posted by gottadance64[/QUOTE]
This is what your FI is for. It is his wedding too.

zitiqueen · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-are-you-delegating-to-mohbms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7312d12f-192b-4f47-972a-15d377fe5093Post:547992fb-8866-468f-a781-c0b0fb904459">What are you delegating to MOH/BMs?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was just reading an article in Brides mag about delegating - asking bridesmaids, MOH, mom, to help where needed, so you don't feel overwhelmed. I am a control freak, so I hadn't really thought of doing this, but it seems like a good idea for certain things. Of course, three of my four BMs and my mom are all out of state, but maybe there are a couple of things they could do - look up stuff, etc. Anyway, wondering if you are doing any delegating and if so, what?
Posted by gottadance64[/QUOTE]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-are-you-delegating-to-mohbms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7312d12f-192b-4f47-972a-15d377fe5093Post:cde13dfc-6e6e-4a8c-9e25-a1546e346447">Re: What are you delegating to MOH/BMs?</a>:
[QUOTE]This wasn't a list of duties and responsibilities...it was just a reminder that if you need help, to ask for it - which I don't think is wrong - and for someone like me, is a good thing. After all - aren't your fam and best friends the people you rely on to help you when you need it. I think maybe the word "delegate" comes across as strong. I'm very "Martha" and want to have control over details, but at the same time, when you're doing something like addressing envelopes, etc., I don't think it's wrong to ask in a nice way if someone has time to lend a hand.
Posted by gottadance64[/QUOTE]

There's a difference between delegating and asking.

gottadance64 · August 2012

Made a correction to the question - didn't realize people would get so reactive to the word delegate. I certainly wouldn't treat anyone like free labor. But I do think it's a good idea when you're feeling overwhelmed to ask for help. Just the same as I would help the people I care about who are a pinch.

Summer2011Bride · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-are-you-delegating-to-mohbms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7312d12f-192b-4f47-972a-15d377fe5093Post:97a2b3f6-e360-48a7-9cd2-b73f85b622d1">Re: What are you asking for help with from friends/fam?</a>:
[QUOTE]Made a correction to the question - didn't realize people would get so reactive to the word delegate. I certainly wouldn't treat anyone like free labor. But I do think it's a good idea when you're feeling overwhelmed to ask for help. Just the same as I would help the people I care about who are a pinch.
Posted by gottadance64[/QUOTE]

Why not ask your FI for help, since it's his wedding too? Especially if BMs are OOT, I don't think it's the best idea to ask them to help with a bunch of stuff. If they offer, take them up on it. I just know that all my BMs are busy with their own families, jobs, grad school, etc. and didn't want to pile anything else on them.

afeliz79 · August 2012

I'm not asking for help with anything. If it gets offered, I will accept, but only if it doesnt take anyone away from the wedding festivities.

libby2483 · August 2012

On these boards, it is commonly said that your bridal party has no obligations other than showing up for the wedding sober, clean, and in the appropriate attire. I do agree that it is rude to delegate tasks, but I don't think it is rude to ask for help with small things, as long as you are open to the possibility that people may be unwilling or unable to help.

For example, I asked my BMs (separately and in private) if they would be willing to stay for 20-30 minutes after the rehearsal dinner to help set up for the reception (they are at the same venue). I made it clear that if there was any reason they couldn't, that was totally fine. They all responded with, "Of course I'll help!" For a wedding I was just a BM, the bride also asked if we could help her set up for the wedding the morning of. I had absolutely no problem with this. If either one of us were asking our wedding party to put in several hours of labor, this would be inappropriate, but asking for help with small tasks is fine in my opinion. The person can always say no if they are not willing or able to help.

kellyjohnson527 · August 2012

lots of the stuff written in those magazines is written by unpaid college interns who haven't ever been married, and may not have even ever been in a wedding.

kellyjohnson527 · August 2012

lots of the stuff written in those magazines is written by unpaid college interns who haven't ever been married, and may not have even ever been in a wedding.

redheadtmk · August 2012

We did not ask anyone for help until they offered to help us. I agree that it is ok to ask for help once in awhile if you really need it. Sometimes life happens, things come up, or tasks take longer than you expected. To say " I am falling behind because of X,y,z and could use a little help to get caught up on this task" is different than saying " hey BM's I thought we could have a girls night addressing invites" Couples are responsible for all wedding related tasks and should not plan on things getting done with help but if you need help I would every bride on here has at least one person they could call without hesitation to get them out of a tight spot.

To me, asking for help as a one time deal for a wedding related task you need help with is no different than any other problem that comes up in life that you would ask for help with.

Maggie0829 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-are-you-delegating-to-mohbms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7312d12f-192b-4f47-972a-15d377fe5093Post:97a2b3f6-e360-48a7-9cd2-b73f85b622d1">Re: What are you asking for help with from friends/fam?</a>:
[QUOTE]Made a correction to the question - didn't realize people would get so reactive to the word delegate. I certainly wouldn't treat anyone like free labor. But I do think it's a good idea when you're feeling overwhelmed to ask for help. Just the same as I would help the people I care about who are a pinch.
Posted by gottadance64[/QUOTE]

I still don't get why you wouldn't (or any bride for that matter) first ask their FI to help, since it is his wedding too after all. It seems like with weddings the FI just gets pushed to the side and is treated like they can't make decisions or help with anything wedding related. This is just dumb to me.

GoodLuckBear14 · August 2012

DH and I did not ask anyone for help. We did it ourselves.

renegade gaucho · August 2012

Please keep in mind that just because someone has a vagina, it doesn't mean she is interested in helping you do wedding stuff.

I do think it's okay to ask other people for help, IF that's the kind of relationship you have with them and there's a legitimate reason your fiance can't be involved. However, you might also want to consider that you're trying to do too much. I planned my wedding pretty much all by myself while my fiance was deployed and it really wasn't a big deal. My sister very selflessly volunteered to go to the cake tasting with me, and she and my mom helped me make some simple bouquets, but I did everything else on my own. If you find yourself overwhelmed by wedding planning, keep in mind that there's a lot associated with weddings these days that simply isn't necessary.

jemmini6 · August 2012

To me, it depends on the task you are asking help with as to whether it's appropriate to ask, or whether you should wait until it's offered. For example, asking your BMs to help you go shopping for your wedding dress is completely fine, but asking your baker friend to make your wedding cake is a totally different animal and completely inappropriate unless it's offered (or you offer to pay her to make it).

In any case, 'asking' is just that, asking, not delegating. They have every right to say no for any reason and you absolutely cannot get upset because they didn't want to stuff envelopes or fold programs for you. But in general, the people that are willing to help with these things will offer in the first place, so it usually makes this a moot point.

Fancypantsamy · August 2012

I have followed two steps with this:

- Wait for the person to ask to help

- Think of something that seems to suit their time and abilities

I had one BM who was really really busy and couldn't be involved with my shower due to distance who felt bad about it and asked if there was anything she could do to help me out. While I expressed to her that the important thing is that she comes to the wedding, I asked if she could make my table number/program combos since she has photoshop and a great printer at home and is really good with it. She was more than happy to take the job on because it would only take her an hour or two (they're really simple) and it fufilled her self declared need to be more involved without turning into a major burden. I also have a cousin who told me wanted to help but she has two young kids and works full time. I didn't want to burden her but I do know she knows everyone in both of my extended familes. So I've asked her to round up each group during the cocktail hour for family photos, maybe giving them a warning before hand that she'll be doing this. This will make the day run so much smoother and I don't have to feel like I'm taking time away from her being with her kids on an evening or a weekend.

ceceibson · August 2012

I only asked one person to help with one thing. On our programs [which we had printed, then made into fans ourselves] we listed our children and grandchildren with their spouses and/or fiances. FI's daughter, as far as we knew, was and is engaged.

She saw the programs and threw a fit. Apparently she and the fiance broke up. We should have known because she changed her FB status. She insisted I have the programs reprinted.

I agreed to do so if she would help make the fans [reprinting them would delay the process and we're getting pretty close]. She said she would. She never showed. FI and I got them done but I was pissed.

gottadance64 · August 2012

Wow - a lot of touchiness on this issue. LOL I was just meaning for it to be a light/fun conversation about where you needed help, etc. Yikes! To assume that I wouldn't ask my FI is silly - of course I would - but, let's face it - men stink at some things and it would just be more fun with friends or family.

redheadtmk · August 2012

It is a touchy subject because so many brides expect unlimited help from thier BM's. We did not ask for help but once it was offered we put our family and friends to work!!

GardenMaven · August 2012

My MOH, bridesmaids and MOB have already offered to help with anything, as well as a few other close friends. I come from a family where they would literally drop everything to help, so that is probably why I have already heard from people. (I would do the same for my loved ones!)

I don't think it is wrong to ask for help. I am a little surprised by the negative reactions to your original post as well! I doubt you'd be asking for something huge, so I am not sure why you shouldn't ask. From the tone of your post, it also doesn't appear you'd be demanding assistance. As long as you make it clear that they can say no, and you don't go crazy-control-freak on them, I think it is fine. Sometimes it can be difficult to let someone else do something for you. Just remember, whatever you ask for help with, it WILL be out of your control and that is OK.

emeejeeayen · August 2012

The only help I've asked for are opinions. If there is a decision that my FI and I aren't sure about we get input from friends/family, but only on things we don't mind actually hearing opinions on, ha.

SarahAnn2 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-are-you-delegating-to-mohbms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7312d12f-192b-4f47-972a-15d377fe5093Post:e379bd2c-1c67-4935-8ba8-ae8955887323">Re: What are you asking for help with from friends/fam?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow - a lot of touchiness on this issue. LOL I was just meaning for it to be a light/fun conversation about where you needed help, etc. Yikes! To assume that I wouldn't ask my FI is silly - of course I would - but, let's face it - men stink at some things and it would just be more fun with friends or family.
Posted by gottadance64[/QUOTE]

I am also surprised by the touchiness here. I mean these are your closest friends and family, why would it be wrong to ask for help? How is asking for help with something wedding related any different than asking for help in any other area? I've been a BM twice and was asked, very nicely, if I could help with various tasks such as putting invitations or favors together. I never thought anything of it, nor have I thought it wrong to ask for help in minor tasks myself.

I mean these are my closest friends - these are the people I have pulled all-nighters for while tutoring them for a test, people I have spent afternoons with helping them move furniture, people I have dropped everything for to go out with because they have had a horrible day and need a friend. They have also done a lot for me too - like my roommate running out to get me cold medicine and tea when I was sick. I thought relationship were about being there for each other, but maybe I am just weird.

What are you asking for help with from friends/fam?

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