Future in laws....

kgreen84 · October 2010

i'm having a bit of a problem with my soon to be in laws. I've been waiting for a guest list from them for a while now. They have had since Feburary to start this list and they have yet to even start it. I know they farm and are busy with that, but it's not that had to go through the family and write it down. I'd do it myself, but the families are so big, I don't know everyone. I know I have some time since the wedding isn't till September, but I've got to start looking at caterers and can't do that until I know how many are being invited.
I'm also waiting to get a couple phone numbers from them for a couple of bridesmaids. I was going to have my fiance's cousin's stand up and thought if they were around for Christmas we could look for dresses then, but it'd be nice to have things planned out ahead of time.
I guess the worse thing of it all is that my fiance keeps making excuses for his family. I know his family is busy, but they have time where they can just write a few names down or even just give me phone numbers for his cousins. I could just scream because I want to get things started and can't because they're stopping me.

suze423 · October 2010

First of all, that pink text is really hard to read.

I understand your frustration...it was like pulling teeth to get addresses from my FMIL. Your FI should be the one dealing with them about this but if he won't then it's up to you. I would politely explain to them that while you know they are very busy, you need to get an idea of how many people they'd like to invite so you can begin your planning.
You have almost a year until your wedding. You don't exactly need a full list of names right now. An estimate should be good enough to get you going with caterers, venues, etc.

ETA: If you don't have phone numbers for the cousins how'd you ask them to be bridesmaids in the first place?

trix1223 · October 2010

Please use black font.

Who's paying for this wedding? Do you have a budget? You're doing this backwards. You don't decide your guest list before you have a budget.

Figure out how much you can spend. Then look at venues. Find out how much pp it will cost. Then let all the constituents know how many people they can invite.

What happens if you parents and your FIL's give you a guest list of 200 each and then you (or whomever is paying) decides you can afford $X for the wedding, and your guest list has to be cut to 100 total?

It all starts with budget, budget, budget.

tldh · October 2010

Can somebody translate? I honestly can't stand to look at the color this was written in or I'll get a hadache.

trix1223 · October 2010

Bride wants guest list from FIL's for a wedding that's 11 months away.

FIL's aren't quick enough on the draw for Bride. She thinks she needs guest list to visit caterers. She also is waiting for FIL's to provide phone #'s for potential BMs. Not sure why she'd want someone as a BM when she doesn't even know their phone #, but I'm odd like that. Needs phone numbers of WP to look at dresses at Christmas.

Here it all is in B&W:

.i'm having a bit of a problem with my soon to be in laws. I've been waiting for a guest list from them for a while now. They have had since Feburary to start this list and they have yet to even start it. I know they farm and are busy with that, but it's not that had to go through the family and write it down. I'd do it myself, but the families are so big, I don't know everyone. I know I have some time since the wedding isn't till September, but I've got to start looking at caterers and can't do that until I know how many are being invited.

I'm also waiting to get a couple phone numbers from them for a couple of bridesmaids. I was going to have my fiance's cousin's stand up and thought if they were around for Christmas we could look for dresses then, but it'd be nice to have things planned out ahead of time.

I guess the worse thing of it all is that my fiance keeps making excuses for his family. I know his family is busy, but they have time where they can just write a few names down or even just give me phone numbers for his cousins. I could just scream because I want to get things started and can't because they're stopping me.

kgreen84 · October 2010

Thanks for the input. The wedding is being pretty much split between the families, but my family is willing to pay for more. There really isn't a budget for the wedding because my fiance is the first to get married in his family and I'm the only girl on my side. Really all I want is just a rough guess of who they want to invite. We have a reception site booked already for 325 people, but I have a feeling it's going to be bigger then that. It's already bigger then what I want, but I guess I shouldn't complain considering our parent's are taking care of everything.
I don't have the cousin's phone numbers because we have yet to ask them. I just found out a week ago that I need to replace a couple of mine and decided to have my fiance's cousins stand up since I'm the only girl on my side and I don't have a whole lot of people that I can ask. It's just been stressful trying to plan things and everytime I think things are getting into place something else comes up. I'll have to try to sit down with my future mother in law and come up with a rough list of people. Thanks!!!!!!

trix1223 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9457e32b-3e08-40db-bcd5-a95568baab1bPost:7cd9bf51-f8f5-41ab-a87f-18ab536f4a57">Re: Future in laws....</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the input. The wedding is being pretty much split between the families, but my family is willing to pay for more. There really isn't a budget for the wedding because my fiance is the first to get married in his family and I'm the only girl on my side. Really all I want is just a rough guess of who they want to invite. We have a reception site booked already for 325 people, but I have a feeling it's going to be bigger then that. It's already bigger then what I want, but I guess I shouldn't complain considering our parent's are taking care of everything. I don't have the cousin's phone numbers because we have yet to ask them. <strong> I just found out a week ago that I need to replace a couple of mine </strong>and decided to have my fiance's cousins stand up since I'm the only girl on my side and I don't have a whole lot of people that I can ask. It's just been stressful trying to plan things and everytime I think things are getting into place something else comes up. I'll have to try to sit down with my future mother in law and come up with a rough list of people. Thanks!!!!!! =)
Posted by kgreen84[/QUOTE]

Why do you feel that you need to replace anyone?

lalap69 · October 2010

If your FI doesn't even have his cousins' phone numbers, he's clearly not close to them. Do you really want to be asking them to be BMs? Why not pick the people who are closest to YOU?

And most people figure out how many people they can invite based on their budget and then determine their guestlist from there, not the other way around.

lalap69 · October 2010

Ugh, just saw your new post after I posted. You don't need to replace people. You can have uneven sides, that's fine. PEOPLE ARE NOT PROPS!

ekilzer1 · October 2010

You should atleast know a rough estimate of how many people they are inviting.... there is no reason you can't start looking at caterers now- most give you a price per person and usually that price only changes when you go from under 100 guests to over 100 guests.

I don't have my guest list yet and I have already contacted over 5 caterers.... I have a good estimate of how many people will actually be attending the wedding.

And it is your FI's responsibility to get this from his parents.... trust me I have been on my Fi's butt for over a month about it!!!! ALL of our guests from out of town so we will be sending out STD's in December, but I have to address over 200 envelopes so I want to get started ASAP!!!!

marinabreeze · October 2010

I echo PPs. You don't need a list, just a guesstimate. My wedding is before yours and we're looking at caterers, etc., and yet my mom has yet to give me her guest list (though I do have an idea of who my family and friends are, and I also come from a really big family). No big deal.

As an aside, please make sure of your budget, and that said monies from parents are in your hands before assuming there is no budget. Just because you and FI are of a certain birth order doesn't mean there's no budget (I'm the first among siblings to get married and my FI is an only child - we have a budget). If you lurk here and elsewhere, you'll read stories of brides who were assuming/counting on money from parents and it fell through for whatever reason, and now they have to scale back big time.

Anyway, once budget is sorted out (or if there really is no budget), then start talking to caterers. They let you know how much they charge per place, minimum people they will serve, etc., and you can also negotiate prices with them depending on your guesstimated guest list.

You have some idea of your relatives and friends, and FI's relatives and friends, and maybe a few extras for family friends, then that may be the number you are working with. If catering, venue, etc., dictates a lower number, you cut. If not, that's great. Really, you don't need a polished guest list for at least two or three more months, as STDs don't typically go out until six months prior to the wedding.

tldh · October 2010

Thanks Trix.

@OP -
it's your FI's job to get this information from his parents. Anything that has to do with his family is his responsibility.

Don't replace people just for the sake of having a certain number of BMs. People should be there because these are the people who mean the most to you, not because their a space filler.

heyimbren · October 2010

Figure out a budget first. Otherwise, things can easily spiral out of control. Either budget for how much you and your FI can afford, have the money from parents in hand, or ask the parents (who are paying) to figure out the budget. Don't go into this without a budget.

Agree with PPs, don't replace BMs. Your WP is supposed to be those you are closest to, and if that's only one person, then just have one person. If you aren't close with them, you can set yourself up for hard times later on (just go through some posts on this board). If you aren't close to them, don't ask them. You don't need a WP at all even.

Also, if you've booked a reception venue that only holds 325, then that should be your maximum number of people to invite. If that's how many the venue can accomodate, then that's your maximum number you can invite. Don't go over that.

MairePoppy · October 2010

To find a caterer and venue, all you need to know is an approximate number of guests.You do not need a detailed guest list. If your in-laws are too busy to do this right now (understandable, since they are farmers) why can't your fiance work on the guest list?

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

I don't think we invited a single person to the wedding whose phone number wasn't stored in our cell phones. Even when we were doing our dream "invite everyone we could possibly want" initial guest list, we built it by going down our contacts in our phones and deciding yes or no.

Ditto the others that right now you only need a ballpark figure. It's a good idea to have a range of the most and the fewest people that you're looking at accommodating, so you can budget and shop for venues accordingly. If you have a good idea of your general range, you can usually book someplace appropriate and then adjust things closer to the date when you have a more exact list.

bethsmiles · October 2010

Why would you have someone stand up with you as a BM if you don't even know their phone number? That is a recipe for disaster and if I were you I would nix that idea ASAP. And don't replace people in your bridal party. They are people not props and sides don't need to be even.

As far as the list goes, maybe your FI should list everyone from his side of them family that he thinks his parents will want invited. Then he can schedule sometime to go over it with them. You might have to make a little more of an effort to get the list from them.

deb84 · October 2010

1) I can understand where you are coming from on the guest list but I don't think you are going about it in the right way. This is YOUR wedding. You and FI sit down and come up with a guest list. (FI should know his family!) Then after you two have done this you see where you are at guest wise. (Let's say you are at 250 of 350.) You print off the guest list and give one copy to your parents and one copy to FI's parents. Tell them each how many people they can add. (In my example each set of parents can add 50 ppl to the guest list.) When they are looking over guest list have them check spelling of names, spouse/kid names, and addresses. This is what I did and I've had my guest list for my Sept 2011 wedding done for a couple months already.

2) If you have a venue booked that only hold 325 you cannot invite more than 325 ppl unless you book a new venue!

3) Why on earth are you "replacing" bridesmaids?! This is a horrible idea. Also, why would you ask someone whose phone number you do not even know to be a bridesmaid in your wedding? Your sides DO NOT have to match and your bridesmaids should be those who are closest to you. (They also do not have to be female-you can have bridesmen too!) Please do not ask people just to ask people. That is crazy.

Future in laws....

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