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Do we need to get parent gifts?

litskispecialtylitskispecialty
First Comment
in New Hampshire
Hi ladies,

So I'm 30 days out from my wedding (wee!) and we haven't really thought of parent gifts.

FI's family hasn't helped to pay for or plan the wedding (other than FMIL's mother/son dance song).  They are not coming to our shower as FSIL threw herself a babyshower the same day 2 hours away and won't move the time. 

We are nowing responsible for paying for FFIL's tux and FMIL's hair apt. to get her hair cut and colored for the wedding and maybe the day of the wedding hair (at a different salon than me I really don't want her there on my day) if his sister won't do her hair (depends on how she feels she will be about 7.5 mo preggo at that time.  FI's dad has been out of work for a long time so they don't have the means to cover these costs.

Since we're covering all of this and it will set us back even further (we're paying for the wedding including RD and HM ourselves) do we have to get them parent gifts or can these count?  I know I sound like a jerk/brat but his family really hasn't cared and they're the only reason we have to have a big wedding in the US in the first place.  They also will not come to our RD because FFIL has some health problems and wants to be in good health the day of the wedding.  His mom doesn't drive and won't come with FI's brother/BM to the dinner because she will only wear a new dress she can't afford.  We tried to tell her she can come in something older no one will care.  Literally no one in FI's family will now come to our RD and our parents have never met in 4.5 years of dating.

Can we justify the minimum of $300 we'll end up having to spend just to help get them to the wedding as their gift?

Problem is my dad has given the absolutely max he could (which hasn't covered more than the photog) and my parents are paying for their own meal and my godmother and family friend's meal at the RD.  I want to make sure that my parents get some kind of thank you gift.  While my mom has been a huge PITA and talked me into a lot of things I really don't need or want, she's gone to every dress shopping apt, dress fitting, flower consultation, invitation consultation etc. to help me make decisions.  She also bought us a really nice cake server/champange flute set that she had engraved just because I wouldn't spend the $100 it ended up being and she didn't want me to be without one.

You can't give a gift to one set and not the other when they are together...but are we ok given the circumstances?

Thanks!
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Re: Do we need to get parent gifts?

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    cg-pm52111cg-pm52111
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think that even though your FILs have not helped out, it would still be a nice gesture.  After all, these are still the people who raised your FI.  You don't need to spend a lot, maybe just a frame that you'll fill with a wedding picture after the wedding.  I sort of think it sets the tone for how you want your relationship to be with them.  Remember, it's always better to be the bigger person and just kill 'em with kindness.  If you can swing something small, I think it will pay off in the long run.
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    dantodanto
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We gave parents' gifts at the RD.  If FILs aren't there it won't be akward to give gifts to your parents only at that time.

    Like PP said gifts don't need to be a lot of money.  A frame is a good option; shutterfly photo album is a nice after wedding gift if you change your mind about FILs later.
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    chica7484chica7484
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-hampshire_need-parent-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:101Discussion:0dded2e8-4bcb-4e93-a02d-6fee22a861a9Post:af7108ed-4598-452c-8ce3-9433fa85932d">Re: Do we need to get parent gifts?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think that even though your FILs have not helped out,<strong> it would still be a nice gesture.  After all, these are still the people who raised your FI</strong>.  You don't need to spend a lot, maybe just a frame that you'll fill with a wedding picture after the wedding.  I sort of think it sets the tone for how you want your relationship to be with them.  Remember, it's always better to be the bigger person and just kill 'em with kindness.  If you can swing something small, I think it will pay off in the long run.
    Posted by cg-pm52111[/QUOTE]

    <div>This exactly.</div>
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    candi516candi516
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I know it's tough considering you're paying a lot yourselves just to have them attend your wedding but they did raise your fi.  I also agree that being a bigger person and killing with kindness is a great idea.  A picture frame containing a photo is very inexpensive but another idea is handkerchiefs with a little poem attatched.  I picked up a box of plain white men's handkerchiefs at a department store, even TJ Maxx & Marshalls has them.  I folded them and tied them with a satin ribbon (more masculine for fathers & feminine for moms) and wrapped them nicely in a box from Michaels for under $5 each.  I foudn the poems on this site, printed them from my computer and double mounted them on cardstock.  http://www.weddinghankies.com/search/search.php?UID=2010081814272594975.68.28.145
    We also had albums made after the wedding for our parents.  Good luck!
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    Gabs71109Gabs71109
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-hampshire_need-parent-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:101Discussion:0dded2e8-4bcb-4e93-a02d-6fee22a861a9Post:af7108ed-4598-452c-8ce3-9433fa85932d">Re: Do we need to get parent gifts?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I <strong>After all, these are still the people who raised your FI.</strong>  [/QUOTE]

    This!

    Yes, I am sure you are frustrated that you are spending so much but if it weren't for them you would not have your FI. You should absolutely honor them with some kind of a gift and has the girls have said - it does not have to be expensive. It truly is the thought that counts!
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    DrPB2b13DrPB2b13 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    An alternate argument to "they raised your FI":

    Please DO remember that unless your FI decides differently (because this is HIS choice), you will be dealing with your in-laws for the rest of their lives.  You will have to visit them on holidays, deal with their phone calls, and - should you choose to bear their grandchildren - invite them for births and birthday parties.  While I absolutely agree with you that you have already gone extraordinarily out of your way to get them to your wedding and keep them as happy as possible, this is technically the beginning of your "official" and legal relationship with them ("in law" didn't come from nowhere!), and personally I view it best to do everything you can to keep it as pleasant of a relationship as possible, even if they drive you crazy.
    Mrs. Abbe Peanut Butter || Planning Bio
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    Momto3bridesMomto3brides
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    OK, I'm a Mom, haven't been a bride in 35 years, so maybe I can give you all a different perspective.  I know that the best "gift" I received from my daughters' weddings was the gift of seeing them so happy.  I didn't need any "things" - just knowing they were grateful for the help I could give them.  Yes, I did pay for most of the wedding, and plan on giving my last daughter a good amount toward her wedding but I know they also put in a good amount of money and I would rather see them get things they need that spend money they don't have to spend on a gift for me. 

    A framed wedding picture or a small album would be the perfect gift so that we can all share the memories of the day. 

    I know every family is different, and there are moms who would be put out if they didn't get a gift, but I think in many cases, parents don't want you to stress out about spending any more than you have to.
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    Jillibeans11681Jillibeans11681 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm in the same boat. FI's mom has done NOTHING for our wedding, except complain about her lack of guests allotted by my parents who are footing a very large bill, not to mention, out of the 55 people she DID invite, 8, yes 8, are attending. That said, we're just getting her a picture frame that has our names on it. I'm giving my parents something far more substantial, and I'm going to do it at a different time so she doesn't find out and have her feelings hurt. I have enough consideration to do that.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Visit NewHampshire.Weddings.com
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    BrodieandChevelleBrodieandChevelle
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm planning on making a photo album for both my FILs and my parents. I think that would mean more to them than any other gift I could give them.
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