His second my first and we already eloped but are planning a beach wedding.

Lizdc · February 2011

So I up and eloped in Dec to my hubby. Hubby is actually guy I was engaged too when I was 20 and was with for around 5 years as a teen/ young adualt. I broke both of our hearts when I decided that I needed to save the world and thought I couldn't do that while married. He got married, had a kid, then a divorce. I had a kid but never got married since I never wanted to marry anyone but him.

Fast forward like 15 years, we found each other again. Realized we were still very in love. Broke a few other hearts by getting back together. We eloped a few months ago but knowing we would also plan a ceremony for april. I loved the day we eloped and wouldn't change it for the world.

The ceremony is very small on a beach in another state near my in laws. We are keeping to family and very close friends.
One reason I am doing a super small wedding is that I am WAY more social then my hubby. Also my friends travel a lot. So even with the small number of my freinds coming the balance will be my friends and family to his closet famly since his close friends are in another state, don't travel, (and I susspect they feel like they went to his wedding over a decade ago). They would all come if we were doing it local but really it will cost over a grand with airfare, cars, and a hotel for any couple coming to the wedding.

Anyhow this is my wedding day and I am doing it super low key. Simple dress (jcrew silk great without a train) wedding and afternoon champange, lite cold food, and a cake reception for 20 on the beach. Post reception drinks at his parents. I think I am not the only one in the second wedding boards facing a wedding were your family/friends will outnumber your grooms. I am looking for advice on how to make sure he feels like it is his day. He has been wonderful so far esp since I am not doing this in an over the top way.

It is also intresting to have a wedding were it is your first but thier second. Add in the fact that his first should have been my first as well and that we already eloped. I can only imagine what miss manners would say about all of this but who cares.

Love thoughts on what you had your kids do as part of the ceremony and ways to balance your first wedding with his second including your family/friends out numbering.
I will say that we are super lucky everyone is very happy for us and only wished we had gotten married when we were young.

ichellemay1 · February 2011

I don't have anything to add to kids in weddings, I'm sure others will, but I figured I'd tell you how people feel about a "second" wedding. What you are having on the beach is not a wedding, but a vow renewal. You already got married once when you eloped.

Lizdc · February 2011

By second wedding I meant that he has been married before. I was asking about how he feels since many of the brides on this board are also getting married to men who have been married before. I am well aware that we are in fact married. That allowed our celebration to be 20 people rather than the about 200 who might reasonably expect to be invited a formal wedding if I threw one.
Only thing I am concerned about is making sure he feels excited and into the who process. He seems to but I would love advice from anyone else who has faced that with their hubby to be.

shytownkelly · February 2011

We are doing a destination wedding as well - and so far it looks like my friends and family will out number his - by like 20 to 3. BUT this is what he wanted for us - as much as I did.

The problem I see is - you are married.

Period.

what you are doing, even though it is "small and intimate" is a VOW RENEWAL.

If you are worried he isn't involved or represented - maybe you should ask yourself - who this ceremony is for? For you? For both of you? for your families? Maybe he isn't involved because he considers you married already???

MikesAngie · February 2011

You eloped, you are married what you are doing in April is a vow renewal - which is fine - but call it what it is.

Congratulations!

My FI will have more family than I will at our upcoming wedding. It doesn't bother me at all - at the end of the day we'll be just as married and our families and friends will be just as blended.

Edited to make sense (I have a cold).

ichellemay1 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_his-second-first-already-eloped-but-planning-beach-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:9d8e9711-6684-4864-9fba-a6ec311daadcPost:4083527b-a326-4a2f-be03-4c77806e1529">Re: His second my first and we already eloped but are planning a beach wedding.</a>:
[QUOTE]We are doing a destination wedding as well - and so far it looks like my friends and family will out number his - by like 20 to 3. BUT this is what he wanted for us - as much as I did. The problem I see is - you are married. Period. what you are doing, even though it is "small and intimate" is a VOW RENEWAL. If you are worried he isn't involved or represented - maybe you should ask yourself - who this ceremony is for? For you? For both of you? for your families? <strong>Maybe he isn't involved because he considers you married already???
</strong>Posted by shytownkelly[/QUOTE]

This is certainly possible. My FI is very excited about our wedding, but hasn't been very involved in the planning. I get his opinion on things (like the STDs and the invitations), but otherwise - he just wants to know what to wear and where to be. I think some (not all) guys are just that way about weddings.

handfast4me · February 2011

Shoot, you ladies were right. We're going to have a bunch of these, and it's all my fault. Dang. But isn't my ESP awesome?

To OP: Scroll down--actually, go to the 2nd page of postings, and look for a post called "Haven't had one of these in a while" and read what everyone said. Carefully. Then go to the post titled "Poll: What should I do?" Read that, too.

Then restate your quesiton here. But make sure you include the requisite lines of "you bitter old hags!" and "This is the man I'll be married to 4 EVA!"

Lizdc · February 2011

I am extremely confused by your response. Did I somehow do something to offend you? Or someone?

I was really just looking to all of you on how to include him while understanding he is a guy who isnt into planning things and I thought I might get some ideas here.

And on if my wedding is a vow renewal or not. Legal it is. Legally we are married. And I wouldn't change that for anything. The ceremony is for our kids, our parents, for us, and a few friends. Mainly I refer to it as a ceremony. The main differnce is that I don't have to file the paperwork.
Personally I don't think it matters. I have been to many a wedding were no one got legally married in the end. Either because they couldn't (same sex) or they didn't believe they wanted to be legally married so it never occured to me that anyone would care about that piece. For the people coming they see it as our wedding. For a number of them they have been waiting to see me get married (and to him) since I was a teen. So in the end we get a great day to celabrate a marriage that has been in the making for 22 years. And the reason we eloped before the ceremony was that we had waited 22 years and didn't want to wait a second longer while we were planning our ceremony.

Any thoughts on kids in a ceremony?

right1thistime · February 2011

There are two "sticky"posts at the top of this page where your question about kids in a ceremony has been answered. One asks about children in the ceremony, and one asks about a family ceremony. ~Donna

Lizdc · February 2011

FYI the reason I thought that I belonged in this section is since it is my husbands second wedding and we both have kids from previous relationships so I thought I would fit in here and be dealing with simular issues such as kids in the ceremony.

Not because I had thought of my ceremony as a second wedding to the same person.

ichellemay1 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_his-second-first-already-eloped-but-planning-beach-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:9d8e9711-6684-4864-9fba-a6ec311daadcPost:f5975055-2bac-436e-bf22-b9a4bc4e98c9">Re: His second my first and we already eloped but are planning a beach wedding.</a>:
[QUOTE]Shoot, you ladies were right. We're going to have a bunch of these, and it's all my fault. Dang. But isn't my ESP awesome? To OP: Scroll down--actually, go to the 2nd page of postings, and look for a post called "Haven't had one of these in a while" and read what everyone said. Carefully. Then go to the post titled "Poll: What should I do?" Read that, too. Then restate your quesiton here. But make sure you include the requisite lines of "you bitter old hags!" and "This is the man I'll be married to 4 EVA!"
Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]

DED

handfast4me · February 2011

OP: I, too, had two ceremonies, because here in the bible belt, we can't get married by our officiants because it was a Pagan Handfasting. So, we had a religious ceremony, and a legal ceremony later. But here's the difference: we didn't have guests to either; it would have been too confusing formany of the muggles, and we wanted private, romantic ceremonies.

We called them what they were: handfasting for the first, legal wedding/ceremony for the second.

I urge you to read the posts that I pointed to earlier.

handfast4me · February 2011

IchelleMay: thank you, I'm here all week! :-)

MikesAngie · February 2011

LizDC We have a lot of first time brides who eloped come on here because they are planning their big princess day and don't consider the elopement a real wedding - it was.

You are welcome to post on this board and ask questions, but please understand that your ceremony on the beach is a vow renewal.

My FI and I should have been married 25 years ago - but we are waiting for our wedding day to get married because we both want the dream wedding that we would have done for our 25th anniversay had we eloped when he asked.

You don't state the ages or the sexes of the kids... My FI has a 17yr/old daughter from his first marriage and she will be standing with her dad, there are no family vows or anything like that at all. Our vows and the marriage ceremony are between us the adults.

We are going to do a sand ceremony because that is something my FI and his daughter want to do. If your kids are over 10 ask them what they want to do, if they are under it depends on how they like being in the limelight.

Lizdc · February 2011

I got a horrid divorce from my former partner including a child, custody battle, owned property ect. without a legal marriage so I do in fact understand the feeling and my hubby got both a wedding and an a divorce.

And mostly I do disucss it as a vow renewal or a cermony.

My son is 9 and my other half's son is 14. . We had started planning this event when we decided to go to courthouse for reasons. Our families including the boys and are parents asked us to stick to the plan of doing an event so they can be there as well. SInce they all went through a ton with his divorce and my not divorce legal hassles they want to celebrate with us.

And like I mentioned most of the cermonies I have been too have not been traditional so I don't tend to think about that piece of it.

And after reading some of the pieces in this board to be honest I doubt I will be back. Not because I judge divorce or for that matter not legally binding ceremonies. But I don't quite understand the intensity of your responses. The way I look at it many of us don't lead cookie cutter lives so if someone is seeking advice I am not sure why you respond so intensy such as the threads you pointed me too. Whatever the reasons in someone's life is for being here.

handfast4me · February 2011

Wow LizDC! You need to keep a cheat sheet for reference. You misrepresented in your earlier first post, then the title to this thread is "His second, my first" and then in the post just above, in the SAME thread, you refer to having had a "horrid divorce." Which is it?

Although we may never know since there was a GBCK.

MikesAngie · February 2011

Liz you're points are valid, and as long as your family know that you are already married and the vow renewal on the beach is a ceremony in which they can participate, I can totally support that.

We have a lot of married women who venture on to this board who eloped, didn't get their "big" wedding and are having a do-over and a good portion of them didn't tell their family and friends that they are married; so they are basically lying. We're not tolerant of that group at all.

Lizdc · February 2011

Yes my family understands we are married and they wanted the ceremony we were planning. I don't feel like I missed out on my big day. There were reasons that we legally got married while we were plannig what is now our vow renewal.

What I said was that I had a horrid divorce without being married since I had a long term partner who I had a child and a house with. The result of our break up involved the same level of legal stuff as a divorce but I wasnt legally married to him we were committed partners. So I often explain that I got a divorce without a marrage license but with everything else. And my son finds it easiest to explain himself as a child of a divorce then a child of two ex partners.
Personally I have been in weddings without paperwork (both with two women and with couples who just didn't want the legal part). I consider those marriages valid so I tend to take what ever a couple says to me about events they plan.
I have no problem with the fact that my ceremony is a vow renewel or the reasons we got married while planning that event or the reasons our families still want a cermony. I choose to honor that request and enjoy a day together.
Somehow it seems that my decisions or the words I use to decribe them have offened some of you.

Marrin713 · March 2011

RE: the original question of getting your H involved with the planning - - that's precisely what got our reception snowballing - H's input. Everything was going along just swimmingly and on budget until he got involved. But thank goodness for his input!

kimber9999 · March 2011

LizDC- I understand what you are saying and wanted to say congrats.

about having the kids involved... I myself am having my son give me away, and my daughter is my Maiden of honour, while FI is having his best friend as his BM, his two daughters are actually going to be hostesses for us, but will be walking down the aisle before my daughter ( so they do the same as the WP but will go up to the front, give their dad a kiss on the cheek and then sit in the front row...I should add that there is only a BM and MOH and us in the WP. But I wanted them included as much as we could)
So have you though of having your son give you away? or stand with you and his son with him? its like the 4 of you are renewing your family vows together....sort of...if that makes sense
good luck

thealphabride · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_his-second-first-already-eloped-but-planning-beach-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:9d8e9711-6684-4864-9fba-a6ec311daadcPost:f5975055-2bac-436e-bf22-b9a4bc4e98c9">Re: His second my first and we already eloped but are planning a beach wedding.</a>:
[QUOTE]Shoot, you ladies were right. We're going to have a bunch of these, and it's all my fault. Dang. But isn't my ESP awesome? To OP: Scroll down--actually, go to the 2nd page of postings, and look for a post called "Haven't had one of these in a while" and read what everyone said. Carefully. Then go to the post titled "Poll: What should I do?" Read that, too. Then restate your quesiton here. But make sure you include the requisite lines of "you bitter old hags!" and "This is the man I'll be married to 4 EVA!"
Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]

Sorry, I find this to be RUDE, mean spirited and uncalled for. To attack a newbie who doesn't know your rules is just plain wrong, give the lady a break.

kimber9999 · March 2011

thank you alpha! my thoughts too....

thealphabride · March 2011

Liz,
Congrats and welcome to the board. We involved our teenaged boys in our ceremony. My son walked me down the isle and then stood up with the groom and his son, who was the best man. My son was 14 and his was 16 at the time of our wedding last September.

Personally for us, any kind of a family ceremony or "vows" just doesn't work. Our boys have two other parents and I feel that would be confusing and unjust to the other parents who are involved in their lives. The vows and ceremony were between my DH and I. The boys each gave a short speech at the reception.

Good Luck and don't listen to the naysayers here, do what makes your heart sing during your renewal ceremony.....

handfast4me · March 2011

Seriously? The woman asked about several questions most of which we have stickie for and didn't lurk, misrepresented herself and her situation.

ETA: you may want to stay off TIP and many of the other boards. Those women make me look gentle.

awayagain · March 2011

Yeah, handfast, you should be sweet all the time, just like me! And, Alpha, even you're admitting it's a renewal ceremony, not a wedding, as was originally posted. After the second "wedding ceremony" and then the "I was never married, but I was divorced" bit, things started sounding hokey. The answer here is simple - don't misrepresent yourself, and if you do, be prepared to be called out for it.

thealphabride · March 2011

Then why don't you two go back to the other boards to write mean spirited posts since that is what they are all about, and keep it off of this board.

I got it from the beginning that she was already married, and people let her know in a nice way it was a vow renewal. The divorce paragraph was cleared up by the end of the paragraph.

and by the way, who cares? The lady came here to get some advice and you were unwelcoming and mean spirited, and looking to jump on her to cause drama.

Go to theTIP and the boards to enjoy your drama crap. That is not what this board is about.

thealphabride · March 2011

awayagain, people come here with pure intentions and don't know "the rules" of second wedding vs. vow renewal etc. It is not very nice to attack them.

It sounds like she is not going for the pretty "princess day" but wants her parents and a few close friends to see their ceremony. 20 people.

You people really need to LIGHTEN UP.

awayagain · March 2011

"You people really need to LIGHTEN UP."

NEVER!!!! This is life and death stuff here and should be treated as such!!

handfast4me · March 2011

ooooh. Alpha. That stings. Whatever. If you don't like it, don't read my posts. I've been here a helluva lot longer than you have, and I know exactly where these posts lead. I just cut to the chase.

But maybe you weren't here when some woman posted just a letter X in her post, then when we asked her if she had a question, she came back and said she would never get married more than once and she felt sooooo sorry for our husbands! This sort of thing happens ALL the time.

Although maybe you were one of those who defended Tameca when she came on the board? And I guess you weren't here for ForgetmeNot and the other couple of bible thumpers who thought they could cure the gay?

LizDC clearly misrepresents the truth. She had another post up that she deleted (or maybe I just can't find it) that said something TOTALLY different than this one. We used to be able to post those when we saved them to our "trapperkeepers" but that's not allowed anymore, or I certainly would.

I actually felt like my energy brought these idiots here because I posted the original "haven't had one of these in a while." I was saying that to the other women on the board, then because Lizdc obviously couldn't take the time to read the sticky posts, I knew she hadn't read anything else--and I directed her to that to save time for us all.

Lizdc · March 2011

I asuure all of you I am reall. I never changed my story I just didn't know your language. And if it offends you that my nine year old son tells people he is the child a of a divorced since we lived like a married couple for years without getting legally married because he finds it easier. And his life is exactly like those of the kids he is friends with from a legal marriage and divorse. I came here as I explained since my life is more like a divorced women and my hisband is legally divorced so it feels like a second marriage for both of us.
And my husband and I were engaged in our 20's then we broke up he got married and I got partnered ( I choose to not marry the man who I bought a house, lived with, and had a child with). We both had kids during that time. Recently we got back together. While we were planning our ceremony something caused us to decided to get legally married before our ceremony. All of our friends and family know we are married. Our closest friends and family urged us to still do the event and we wanted to still do the event so we are. Our friends and family are coming from around 5 states to celebrate with us. This is as much for them as it is for us.

I came here to ask about involvement of my husband and also kids in a ceremony. And frankly thought I could get advice along the way on how to plan an event with others who have to deal with kids, step kids, ex wife, ex partners, step mother, step dads ect. That is why I posted this on the second wedding boards not because it is a vow renewal. And prior to being informed that is what my ceremony is called. I didn't know that. I just call it a ceremony and a reception to my guests.
How it has offended you that I am planning an event that my friends and family are excited about really I don't understand.

I wrote this on another knot board. But I am also extremely active in a number of online communities. One of which is 100,000 harley riders since I own and ride a red Harley sportster 883. That site is 99 percent men and tough biker type of men. They are all very nice and helpful even to new people who don't know the terms or rules of the forum. If you would have asked a person who they thought would be intense online my guess would they would have picked the bikers over the brides.

And comparing me to people who come in and insult you for getting married more than once is extreme and not true. I have not said a mean word about any of you. And I have zero problem with anyone making decisions that are right for them in their lives.

What I do not understand is if I am ok with why I got married and why I am having a ceremony and my family and friends are ok with it. Then why would a set of women who have never met me have such an intense reaction to it with me or any women who comes here for ideas.

handfast4me · March 2011

head:desk

His second my first and we already eloped but are planning a beach wedding.

Re: His second my first and we already eloped but are planning a beach wedding.

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