Huge dilemma!!!

boderoe · March 2012

So my maid of honor yesterday decided to shave her head for a cancer cause. Which is a great thing and a great cause. But she did not talk with me about it. I understand that people are going to tell me that I'm selfish but I don't know what to do. The whole time I've been planning this wedding she's tried to make it about her. And when I had finally stood my ground about everything she had done to make this wedding about her she does is... She is one that always has to have all attention on her. I mean she told my bridesmaids that i couldnt have my bridal shower or bachellorette party until she came down for the wedding whivh isnt until the weekend before the wedding!!! And now she will have all the attention I feel like she's going to have everyone looking at her because she shaved her head. The wedding is a month away!. I feel like I'm going to have these photos for the rest of my life and I will always have her in them with her head shaved... I just don't get it. What should I do? I mean I talked to her yesterday and she never said one word to me about it. Not that she was going to do it or that she had done it.

AdeleDazeem · March 2012

She had no obligation to tell you about shaving her head. It's her life every day and it's your ceremony for twenty minutes. Won't you be happy that your friend is standing next to you? Her hair is really secondary.

Also, her asking to have the bridal shower and bachelorette the weekend she was there was because she wants to attend! She's not trying to make it about her - she's trying to be there for you. No one had the obligation to plan around her, but she's certainly allowed to make her feelings known.

Seriously... breathe. On the other side of the wedding, you'll wonder why you worried about these details. Be happy your friend did a good thing. If people ask, smile and tell them. No one will forget you're the bride on your wedding day. A shaved head doesn't have that much power.

em01092 · March 2012

I answered you on our month board. Don't expect too many favorable replies, hun. =/

Ali092011 · March 2012

There is nothing you can do or say without coming across as a huge bridezilla. Honestly, it may seem like a big deal right now, but when you remember your wedding in fifty years, I promise, your MOH's shaved head will not be at the forefront of your memories.

Just as she wouldn't consult you about changing her appearance any other time, she wouldn't consult you about this just because of your wedding. She doesn't need your blessing or permission before altering her appearance. And if she had asked you, would you really have told her she couldn't shave her head? Because that would be pretty messed up.

pgcp · March 2012

I completely understand why you are upset. It's not like she herself is sick and lost her hair, any reasonable person would look past that and just be glad her friend was healthy enough to be at the wedding. However, there really isn't much you can do now.

Be the bigger person. I know it can be hard to do, but you need to do this. The less you (visibly) let it both you, the less attention she will get. Should someone say something to you about it, just shrug your shoulders and say something like "it's a look isn't it." If you are concerned about her trying to make it a big deal the day of, I'd talk with ONE friend/sister/mom and ask her to quietly take her outside and ask her to knock it off. The less of an issue you make of it the small it will be.

As far as you pictures go, I just wouldn't worry about it. The reality is that you will rarely look at them after about the first three months. The rest of life happens and they just aren't that important after awhile. You'll like keep a picture of you and you fh out and maybe a family picture or two but all those other pictures will be in your album rarely to be seen. When you do look at them teach yourself to laugh about the attention seeker and how sad it was. If you laugh about it, others will to. Refuse to be sad/angry/upset about it.

One last thing, remember that in a months time her head will not be completely bald. FWIW my husband has kept his hair all but completely shaved clean our entire marriage, and he needs to cut it weekly to maintain the short length.

Queen Jane · March 2012

So, what else has she done to "make it about her"? She wants to be at your shower and Bach, lots of brides complain about their friends not going to those at all. And really, the shaved head is NBD. It's ridiculous to think she needed to consult with you beforehand.

mbody · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_huge-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f0795bbc-2267-43ac-8927-a23255743e3fPost:8c4f9f6f-c566-43d9-9751-22c62b2406b2">Re: Huge dilemma!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I completely understand why you are upset. <strong>It's not like she herself is sick and lost her hair, any reasonable person would look past that and just be glad her friend was healthy enough to be at the wedding.</strong> However, there really isn't much you can do now. Be the bigger person. I know it can be hard to do, but you need to do this. The less you (visibly) let it both you, the less attention she will get. <strong>Should someone say something to you about it, just shrug your shoulders and say something like "it's a look isn't it."</strong> If you are concerned about her trying to make it a big deal the day of, I'd talk with <strong>ONE friend/sister/mom and ask her to quietly take her outside and ask her to knock it off.</strong> The less of an issue you make of it the small it will be. As far as you pictures go, I just wouldn't worry about it. The reality is that you will rarely look at them after about the first three months. The rest of life happens and they just aren't that important after awhile. You'll like keep a picture of you and you fh out and maybe a family picture or two but all those other pictures will be in your album rarely to be seen. When you do look at them teach yourself to laugh about the attention seeker and how sad it was. If you laugh about it, others will to. Refuse to be sad/angry/upset about it. One last thing, remember that in a months time her head will not be completely bald. <strong>FWIW my husband has kept his hair all but completely shaved clean our entire marriage, and he needs to cut it weekly to maintain the short length. </strong>
Posted by pgcp[/QUOTE]
1. Any 'reasonable' person will also 'look past that' even though she is healthy. OP, you chose your friend because of who she is right?

2. If it were me, I'd tell them that my friend shaved her head for cancer awareness or the charity because I think it's a noble thing to do and I'd be proud of her because I don't have the balls to do it.

3. Haha. OP, if you're <em>actually</em> thinking about saying anything like this to her: do it yourself. Don't get someone else in the middle to do the dirty work.

4. Pictures: Pictures are meant to remember the happy day. The pictures should reflect that no matter the hairstyles of BMs or lack their of.

5. And what?!

OP, let it go. You chose this BM because of who she is (presumably) and not for her appearance. And, I'd also get the, "She just wants the attention/spotlight" notion out of your head right now. Once you do, you'll have a better time at the pre parties and wedding. Good Luck!

jemmini6 · March 2012

She SHAVED HER HEAD FOR A CANCER CAUSE and you are concerned about her upstaging you at your wedding? I hate to break it to you, but yeah, you sound really selfish.

If one of my BMs had done that before my wedding, I probably would have noted it in the programs because I'd be proud that one of my friends had the balls to do something so drastic for a worthy cause, because I'm sure I wouldn't have the guts to shave my head.

In all seriousness though, you are overreacting. Yes, she shaved her head, and yes people will notice (that's kind of the point). But the situation will probably play out like this:

Guest #1: "Do you see the MOH shaved her head?"
Guest #2: "Yeah, she did it for a cancer cause"
Guest #1: "Oh that's nice. Doesn't the bride look fantastic in her dress?"

It's not the end of the world. Be proud that she has such strong convictions, be happy that she wants to be there for your shower & bachelorette party, and enjoy your wedding day. There's no need to do anything other than that because it's none of your business what anyone else does with their hair. And when you look back at pictures, you can say "oh yeah, that's when Susie shaved her head for cancer, hasn't it grown back nicely?".

MairePoppy · March 2012

Your moh didn't have to get your approval to shave her head. It's her head, even though it's going to be in your wedding. This was a big decision for your friend. I doubt that she shaved her head to upstage you on your wedding day, because the bald head is a long term commitment. You should take the high road, maybe make a donation to a cancer awareness fund, in her name, as a special gift to her. It might make you feel better and your friend will appreciate good attitude.

The other bms didn't have to agree to wait for your friend to arrive to have the shower and the bp. But they did and it's too late to change the date now.

On your wedding day, your loved ones will be focusing on you and your new husband. Enjoy it. Best wishes.

OBX2011 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_huge-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f0795bbc-2267-43ac-8927-a23255743e3fPost:8685862b-3793-4c26-9d00-ccc164794c35">Huge dilemma!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]So my maid of honor yesterday decided to shave her head for a cancer cause. Which is a great thing and a great cause. <strong>But she did not talk with me about it.</strong> I understand that people are going to tell me that I'm selfish but I don't know what to do. The whole time I've been planning this wedding she's tried to make it about her. And when I had finally stood my ground about everything she had done to make this wedding about her she does is... She is one that always has to have all attention on her. I mean she told my bridesmaids that i couldnt have my bridal shower or bachellorette party until she came down for the wedding whivh isnt until the weekend before the wedding!!! And now she will have all the attention I feel like she's going to have everyone looking at her because she shaved her head. The wedding is a month away!. I feel like I'm going to have these photos for the rest of my life and I will always have her in them with her head shaved... I just don't get it. What should I do? I mean I talked to her yesterday and she never said one word to me about it. Not that she was going to do it or that she had done it.
Posted by boderoe[/QUOTE]

It's her head and her decision.

So your wedding is more important than her stand against cancer?? That's just friggin awesome!!!

You <em>are</em> being selfish. There is nothing for you to do.

Meghannsix · March 2012

As someone who's father just started chemo, and we're waiting everyday for his hair to fall out, shame on you! I would be proud of any friend of mine who was willing to do something to make such a statement and bring awareness to this cause. Sounds more like you're trying to make her decisions all about you, instead of the other way around.

Viczaesar · March 2012

My god, how selfish of your bridesmaid to shave her head for cancer when it will affect your pictures!!!!!eleventybillion!!! Doesn't she know that you're the center of the universe?

Seriously, grow up and stop being an AW.

em01092 · March 2012

More info- the BM does not know anyone personally who has had cancer, which is why the OP thinks she is doing it for attention. They talked and the BM has agreed to wear a wig.

I would totally be lying if I said I would not flip my shiitt if my MOH shaved her head before the wedding. Would I calm down eventually? Yes. Would I appreciate people putting it in perspective for me like most everyone here has done? Absolutely. Would I realize that it's her body and she can do what she wants? Of course. But I'm just saying, I don't think OP's initial reaction is that unnatural or crazy.

Athsea · March 2012

I don't know anyone personally, besides now deceased older relatives, who had cancer, and I've donated my hair twice. A friend of mine, who also knows no one personally with cancer, has full out shaved her head at least 3 times.

You don't have to have cancer in your life to know it sucks and want to help.

jmconley08 · March 2012

So your MOH sounds like the kind of girl who always needs attention. boo.

I think there is nothing you can do about the shaved head thing. People might ask her questions about it and she will love the attention. Good for her.

But as far as having the shower and bach party the weekend before your weddung... uhh NO WAY! You are going to be doing a million other last minute things and if that doesn't work for you give your girls times/dates that will.

ElisabethJoanne · March 2012

A friend-of-friends got married in the hospital chapel while bald herself while undergoing cancer treatment. Her pictures were awful, photographically, because of the flourescent lights, and she was very pale in addition to being bald, but she looked very happy and peaceful with her new husband.

It's hard to fault this bridesmaid without more examples of attention-grabbing behavior. But when the father of a bride I knew in high school insisted her brother couldn't shave his head for a cancer cause, I didn't fault that family, either. But minor-aged members of the bridal party (as the son was) do need to listen to their parents in such things, even when they don't need to listen to the bride.

notyetavet · March 2012

I say you buy her a fabulous headband that will look great in pictures and move on. As long as she doesn't shave YOUR head, I don't think it's that big of deal.

AdeleDazeem · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_huge-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f0795bbc-2267-43ac-8927-a23255743e3fPost:ed658e4e-ceb8-4000-9b46-fdd8da11bba1">Re: Huge dilemma!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]More info- the BM does not know anyone personally who has had cancer, which is why the OP thinks she is doing it for attention. They talked and the BM has agreed to wear a wig. I would totally be lying if I said I would not flip my shiitt if my MOH shaved her head before the wedding. Would I calm down eventually? Yes. Would I appreciate people putting it in perspective for me like most everyone here has done? Absolutely. Would I realize that it's her body and she can do what she wants? Of course. But I'm just saying, I don't think OP's initial reaction is that unnatural or crazy.
Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]

Em, you sound like her guardian here.

And also? I don't know anyone with cancer and I do cancer research. Should I stop because "I'm trying to get attention?" Please.

em01092 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_huge-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f0795bbc-2267-43ac-8927-a23255743e3fPost:a5d70a6a-c216-4718-92ae-af09ace24f64">Re: Huge dilemma!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Huge dilemma!!! : Em, you sound like her guardian here. And also? I don't know anyone with cancer and I do cancer research. Should I stop because "I'm trying to get attention?" Please.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

<div>I wasn't saying I agree with her reasoning about not knowing anyone with cancer. I was just providing more information because she's on my month board and gave us more details there.</div><div>
</div><div>And I'm not trying to be Captain Save a Noob. Just being honest. I think OP needed some perspective, but I can kind of see why she freaked out. </div>

jemmini6 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_huge-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f0795bbc-2267-43ac-8927-a23255743e3fPost:373a2152-3795-43c9-bd26-3a38b600591c">Re: Huge dilemma!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]So your MOH sounds like the kind of girl who always needs attention. boo. I think there is nothing you can do about the shaved head thing. People might ask her questions about it and she will love the attention. Good for her. But as far as having the shower and bach party the weekend before your weddung... uhh NO WAY! You are going to be doing a million other last minute things and if that doesn't work for you give your girls times/dates that will.
Posted by jmconley08[/QUOTE]

ugh....

midgetthemighty · March 2012

I'm sickened by your attitude OP.

Huge dilemma!!!

Re: Huge dilemma!!!

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