Huh.

tawillers · October 2012

This is a post in a discussion about tubal ligation.

"

I'm not pregnant and this is a few years off for me but: after I have number 2 (probably our last) I'm getting on an IUD. I won't be ready for us to be irreversibly done right after having #2 because you never know what's going to happen. After I've been on the IUD for a few years and we're (I'm) sure we're done, H is getting a vasectomy. This is because he definitely doesn't want more kids, ever, for any reason. I, on the other hand, will be content having the ones we have- but if something were to happen to my marriage and I were to end up with someone else- I may want more babies at that point. You never know.

However, I'm a complete pessimist and always try to plan for the worst.

"

A second person is also not getting a TL because a man in the future might want a baby with her. She's only 26 afterall!!

PMeg819 · October 2012

I don't see anything wrong with it. I have no intention of leaving DH but honestly- things happen. He could die tomorrow. I'd be devastated but I don't think it's far off to think that 5 years later I'd maybe want to remarry ans would maybe want a child with a new husband.

*Barbie* · October 2012

meh, that's not unreasonable.

you never know what could happen. I think that's one reason why DK doesn't particularly want to get snipped now (or if he manages to convince me to try to have one more) - he would like more kids, and if we don't work out or I would pass away, he would be able to have more with a future partner.

baconsmom · October 2012

Buh?

This is such a weird way to think of it. I mean, there are plenty of reasons not to get a tubal in the first place - too invasive, reverses more often than vasectomy, I ALREADY HAD A BABY NOW IT'S YOUR TURN - that even going there seems - weird. Just weird.

GBCK · October 2012

if there's any niggling doubt, 26 seems awfully young to make a permanenet decision.

But I do raise an eyebrow at the rest.

(If, this time next year, nothing has changed, I'm getting rid of the IUD and having the Mr. get the snip.

I have mixed feelings, but long and short of it is, I don't think I'm willing to go off my migraine meds again EVER.)

DG1 · October 2012

eh. I get more peeved at the posters who are all "Well, I'm married now, so I don't have to worry about <any topic single people traditionally worry about>.

Really? Husbands never get hit by buses? Never turn out differently than the wife thought? Wives don't change and want things they didn't before?

There are plenty of men out there trying to reverse vasectomies to try to make babies with new wives. I won't pretend it never crossed my mind when we were deciding who should get snipped (though that ended up being 99% a practical decision about it being easier and cheaper to snip him).

baconsmom · October 2012

I just can't imagine wanting another child, ever. I guess it seems weird to me to be done with one person but not with another, because I'm DONE.

6fsn · October 2012

I've seen this reasoning before and I get it. Especially at 26.

DH was going to get snipped anway because HE'S done with kids. Given my age and medical history I'm getting a tubal because I'M done with kids. He's still getting a vasectomy.

ReturnOfKuus · October 2012

The idea of not actually wanting more children but potentially wanting to use a baby as some sort of binding agent, a human epoxy if you will, is weird as hell to me.

*Barbie* · October 2012

I think it's moreso that the OP wants more kids, but her H may not. If he doesn't she's content with 2, but given the opportunity (say if her H died and she got remarried) she'd like to have more.

I don't think she's looking at the kids as binding agents moreso that she's willing to compromise with her H if he decides to stop at 2. He can get snipped then, but she still wants the option in case he kicks the bucket/they get divorced..

zsazsa-stl · October 2012

This makes me stabby. It's like you all are inferring that childless marriages are invalid or not worth having.

So even if YOU are done having children, you had better keep your tubes free and open so that you will be able to produce a child to please a hypotheical future husband and/or validate that marriage. Either argument is pretty crappy, imo.

ReturnOfKuus · October 2012

There does seem to be an underlying element of that, zsa.

DG1 · October 2012

Wow. I hope that's not what people are saying.

I'm 99% sure I'm done with kids and about 80% sure I'm done with husbands. It's the 19% in between that makes things a little fuzzy and might one day cause a change of heart. I mean, sterilization should be considered 100% permanent, so you shouldn't do it unless the person being sterilized is 100% sure they will never want kids again. 99% isn't good enough for that kind of decision.

tawillers · October 2012

I get that things don't work out and minds are sometimes changed. But they're talking like they're planning to please a hypothetical future husband.

I'm in agreement with GBCK that if you have even the slightest doubt, don't do the TL, but I have never seen the "maybe I'll have a second husband who wants kids someday" reason.

GBCK · October 2012

I was side eying but, thinking longer...There are a lot of reasons I'm looking at only having 1 kid. And we're 'sure enough' that we're looking at the Mr. taking the snip.

I have to admit that if *I* took the snip and then the Mr. died and husband #2 wanted more kids, I'd be annoyed w/ the removal of choice. Because, really, it isn't that I don't WANT more, it's that our life situations aren't condusive to more and I can't see that changing in our future together. Which probably means talking permanenet measures is a bad idea.

damnit, I wanted to pull the pecker poker out. (end of digression)

I don't think it's saying that the future marriages will be validated by kids as much as it's saying "I really don't want to make that decision for ME. It's OK with if DH wants to make that decision for us, and for him, but I'm not ready to close up shop".

And that isn't (or SHOULDN"T be) about making a future husband happy as much as it's about keeping your optons open.

*Barbie* · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_huh-30?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:90bcba04-26e0-46f3-995c-74d24622b82aPost:430f0e4a-4883-42a2-89c2-07049118e015">Re: Huh.</a>:
[QUOTE]This makes me stabby. <strong>It's like you all are inferring that childless marriages are invalid or not worth having.</strong> So even if YOU are done having children, you had better keep your tubes free and open so that you will be able to produce a child to please a hypotheical future husband and/or validate that marriage. Either argument is pretty crappy, imo.
Posted by zsazsa-stl[/QUOTE]

<div>that's not it. there are a lot of benefits to not having children (freedom, for one)</div><div>
</div><div>I would have been happy not having a child, but I married someone to whom it was very important. I told him up front that I would never undergo any sort of fertility treatments, so if i was unable to have a child without, that was it for me. I also told him that I would consider having 1, at most 2, depending on how a first pregnancy went. </div><div>
</div><div>For DK, the opportunity to have children was a dealbreaker. If I was dead set against it, we would never have gotten married. He's from a larger family and has always wanted to have 3 kids. If we do decide to have a second child, I will be getting a TL directly following the c-section, because I will not being having any more, no matter what.</div><div>
</div><div>If we decide not to try for a second, I would prefer if he would get snipped than me go through a tubal because of the complexity of the procedure. (Would rather not go through unnecessary abdominal surgery and recovery.) However, this may not be an option, because I know that he would like more children, if I passed away and he remarried. If he passed away, and I was considering remarriage, I would tell any potential husband that I was done with children. I wouldn't want to go through the TL if i didn't have to but, I would just continue with the Mirenas until no longer necessary. </div><div>
</div>

zsazsa-stl · October 2012

I completely understand that if you aren't 100% sure you shouldn't take action on something that is 100% sure. So blame it on that, not on the future husband.

ReturnOfKuus · October 2012

That is starting to make more sense, the idea of being done having kids because of circumstances, not because you don't want more.

GBCK · October 2012

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but...it IS kinda the fault of the future husband.

Because if Jane is married to Jim and Jim gets a vasectomy, truly, that couple, with the 2 of them together, is done w/ having kids.

It's not unless the 2 of them break up/someone cheats/someone dies/etc that Jane's decision has any bearing on that couple having kids.

So, essentially, Jim and Jane are done having kids together. But Jim is done having kids permanently, Jane is done having kids with Jim--and only 'maybe' if she ever remarries.

Which, eh, I can see that being 'not 100% with that decision', but, really, they are 100% on that decision--as long as they're married/monogomous. It's only not 100% if you subtract Jim and add in another dude.

I am so not saying that well. I should delete but I'm not going to find a better way to say it.

ReturnOfKuus · October 2012

No, I think you're saying that well. You're saying that being 100% sure as a couple about no more kids doesn't necessarily mean 100% sure as individuals.

GBCK · October 2012

much more succint, thanks

AuntFlo · October 2012

I get it. DH and I are through having kids with each other. There is NO WAY either of us will go through pregnancy and infancy again with the other as a partner. But neither of us are going to do anything permanent to keep us from getting pregnant. If DH and I were to split up (or one of us passed away) and got together with other partners, I am certain that DH would have more kids and I would consider it.
HOWEVER, these are not the type of things you say out loud.

*Barbie* · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_huh-30?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:90bcba04-26e0-46f3-995c-74d24622b82aPost:9e6db374-c916-49f6-8f4b-6e02eb0ca965">Re: Huh.</a>:
[QUOTE]No, I think you're saying that well. You're saying that being 100% sure as a couple about no more kids doesn't necessarily mean 100% sure as individuals.
Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

<div>yes. this is how it is with us, so i get where she is coming from. </div>

ReturnOfKuus · October 2012

That is some honesty there.

*Barbie* · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_huh-30?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:90bcba04-26e0-46f3-995c-74d24622b82aPost:97756947-c85d-49b8-b546-47350c8831c7">Re: Huh.</a>:
[QUOTE]I get it. DH and I are through having kids with each other. There is NO WAY either of us will go through pregnancy and infancy again with the other as a partner. But neither of us are going to do anything permanent to keep us from getting pregnant. If DH and I were to split up (or one of us passed away) and got together with other partners, I am certain that DH would have more kids and I would consider it. <strong>HOWEVER, these are not the type of things you say out loud.</strong>
Posted by AuntFlo[/QUOTE]

<div>why not?</div>

ReturnOfKuus · October 2012

"Hey, honey, I'd have some other dude's baby, but never again would I have yours. Can you please pass the salt?"

GBCK · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_huh-30?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:90bcba04-26e0-46f3-995c-74d24622b82aPost:9a4462f7-a010-47de-b010-53e2383dac09">Re: Huh.</a>:
[QUOTE]"Hey, honey, I'd have some other dude's baby, but never again would I have yours. Can you please pass the salt?"
Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

<div>"honey, you don't get to bone anyone else in your life unless you divorce and/or kill me. And then find someone else who will put up with your crap Remember that"</div><div>
</div><div>^paraphrase of what has been said in my house.</div><div>we'r enot tactful</div>

AuntFlo · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_huh-30?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:90bcba04-26e0-46f3-995c-74d24622b82aPost:549b2a4c-3c31-4990-a73a-914dc52296ba">Re: Huh.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Huh. : why not?
Posted by *Barbie*[/QUOTE]

We have enough things to argue about, tyvm.

*Barbie* · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_huh-30?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:90bcba04-26e0-46f3-995c-74d24622b82aPost:8ebf5c78-f9b7-449f-939d-55be003a8e22">Re: Huh.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Huh. : "honey, you don't get to bone anyone else in your life unless you divorce and/or kill me. And then find someone else who will put up with your crap Remember that" ^paraphrase of what has been said in my house. we'r enot tactful
Posted by GBCK[/QUOTE]

<div>we've had a very similar conversation^^ </div><div>
</div><div>i know he'd have more kids given the chance - but (at least for now <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />) he values our marriage more than potential of more offspring. </div>

FLANYTATOOGURL · October 2012

?

Huh.

Re: Huh.

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