A Guest Who is Against Same-Sex Weddings

Danntom2013 · January 2013

My partner and I are getting married in July. We've been together 25 years, but now that Maryland says it is legal, we are getting married. We are utilizing Maryland venues and vendors since we want to spend our budget on Maryland-based companies.

Anyway, I plan to invite some coworkers. My adminstrative assistant is my right-hand person at work. She's worked for me for 10 years and knows my partner. However, she has stated that she is a Christian and believes that marriage is between one man and one woman. Years ago, we agreed to disagree, since we are both professionals.

I want to invite her, but I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. I don't want her to think that if she doesn't attend, it will affect her job (it won't, she's a fantastic AA). But if I don't invite her, I don't want hurt feelings.

Any suggestions?

crosales50 · January 2013

I would explain your thoughts to her. Instead of sending a invite in the mail, give it to her personally. Tell her you don't want it to effect anything, or upset or hurt her feelings. Tell her you would love for her to attend, even if she just comes to the reception. She will understand and maybe even attend just for the moral support

If she reacts badly, maybe she should question her true faith and how much she lives by it lol. I'm a Christian, but I am not going to let it affect my friendships!

2dBride · January 2013

I'd be inclined to invite her, but also to take her aside and tell her exactly what you've told us. At worst, she'll say no. At best, seeing your happiness (and your inclusion of her) may make her rethink some of her biases.

CaitieMay85 · January 2013

If I were in your postion I would invite her.

AnaEsquer · January 2013

I agree with 2dBride. Tell her exactly what you told us. She'll be honored you want her there and that you care about her feelings.

AndreaV26 · January 2013

That's a hard one, but I probably wouldn't. Sorry, but my fiancé (a trans woman) and I are only inviting people that have been 100% supportive of us. I don't want to feel judged on what is supposed to be a happy day. But if she isn't going to cause drama, then maybe it's okay. I just couldn't imagine inviting someone that has flat out told me they don't believe I have a right to marry who I love.

QueerFemme · January 2013

I agree with Andrea. I wouldn't invite her and if she asks why she didn't get an invite, you can tell her that you only included people who 100 support your wedding.

Mysticeyez89 · January 2013

I would invite her. I have every intention of inviting everyone that I think would enjoy a hot party and a celebration of love. It would be entirely in her court to not come. I do think it would be let her know that there would be no hard feelings if she chose not to attend, and that you understand her position if she were not to come. Hope it goes well!

shaneollenberger · February 2013

I think I would invite her but tell her what you said here

i would invite her but say to her if you do not fully support what we are doing then I respect your decision not to come.

2dudeshappy · March 2013

Kudos for being sensitive to this. I vote to invite her. You are magnamous in doing so, she has the option of not attending but expressing the level of support she chooses.

One warning...if she accepts and you sense and find her continued uncomfortableness and hear of it prior.... have a confidentail conversation off work property and empower her not to attend. If needed try "we'd love for you to attend but also it is our very special day and hope to celelbrate it with those who join us in support".

Best of luck. Remember this is your day!

lovelybride614 · March 2013

I would invite her. I think it's a good thing to do it. But also, like most of the pp's have said, tell her how you feel. Tell her, if it's true that you really want her there, but if she doesn't feel she can attend, then she can certainly decline with no hard feelings. Just be open and honest and invite her to do the same. I agree with the off work property thing too. Also tell her if she accepts then changes her mind, that's ok too. But I think not extending the offer at all isn't right either. I understand only wanting supportive people but she's a decent portion of your job life. I think you just need to give her all options openly and be supportive of her decision too. HTH

hermrs · March 2013

We decided collectively that anyone who was not supportive of love (in all of it's forms) and marriage equality was off the list. Regardless of whether or not they "loved and supported" us, we wanted every guest to be comfortable. We do not want anyone to do anything they believe is against what they believe.

I know this is against the grain of most of the responses. It has caused some tension in our lives.
This is just what we decided. :-)

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_gay-weddings_a-guest-who-is-against-same-sex-weddings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:44Discussion:fde3701c-766b-4719-8fa9-fbbc5a3f4b3aPost:6f9c0f01-95cd-4eca-b91b-8b7f3de11990">A Guest Who is Against Same-Sex Weddings</a>:
[QUOTE]My partner and I are getting married in July. We've been together 25 years, but now that Maryland says it is legal, we are getting married. We are utilizing Maryland venues and vendors since we want to spend our budget on Maryland-based companies. Anyway, I plan to invite some coworkers. My adminstrative assistant is my right-hand person at work. She's worked for me for 10 years and knows my partner. However, she has stated that she is a Christian and believes that marriage is between one man and one woman. Years ago, we agreed to disagree, since we are both professionals. I want to invite her, but I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. I don't want her to think that if she doesn't attend, it will affect her job (it won't, she's a fantastic AA). But if I don't invite her, I don't want hurt feelings. Any suggestions?
Posted by Danntom2013[/QUOTE]

minsu5 · April 2013

Why spend your money, time, and energy dealing with someone who, if they had it their way, would not allow you this precious opportunity? I understand why one would like to be a "bigger person" or have a "forgiving heart," but it does not seem logical. Your wedding day should be filled with people who support you, love you, and want nothing but the best for you. If they are just going to sit and smile, eat your food, and then pray one day you'll see the sinful errors of your way, then they are not really that supportive of you.

CaitieMay85 · April 2013

I would invite her.

acrabin · May 2013

I have a very close friend that has expressed her opposition to gay marriage. I would say she is my closest friend. We talk about everything and we agree to respectfully disagree on the subject. When my fiance and I were deciding on the wedding party, she was my first choice, for maid-of-honor, but I didn't ask her because I assumed she wouldn't even come to the wedding as a guest. Weeks later, I was having a conversation with her about the wedding party and I mentioned that she was my first choice, but I didn't even ask because I didn't want to put pressure on her. She was excited that she was my first choice and said that she was going to the wedding to support me, not gay marriage. Now she is officially my maid-of-honor. Lesson learned. Always ask and never assume that just because someone is opposed to gay marriage, they won't want to be part of your special day.

PS I wouldn't even approach the subject of talking to her about this. Just give her the invitation as you would anyone else. If she has worked with you for 10 years, then she will know you well enough to understand whether or not it will affect her job. Let her ask questions if she is worried that not coming will affect her job or the relationship you have.

QueerFemme · May 2013

acrabin said:

I have a very close friend that has expressed her opposition to gay marriage. I would say she is my closest friend. We talk about everything and we agree to respectfully disagree on the subject. When my fiance and I were deciding on the wedding party, she was my first choice, for maid-of-honor, but I didn't ask her because I assumed she wouldn't even come to the wedding as a guest. Weeks later, I was having a conversation with her about the wedding party and I mentioned that she was my first choice, but I didn't even ask because I didn't want to put pressure on her. She was excited that she was my first choice and said that she was going to the wedding to support me, not gay marriage. Now she is officially my maid-of-honor. Lesson learned. Always ask and never assume that just because someone is opposed to gay marriage, they won't want to be part of your special day.

PS I wouldn't even approach the subject of talking to her about this. Just give her the invitation as you would anyone else. If she has worked with you for 10 years, then she will know you well enough to understand whether or not it will affect her job. Let her ask questions if she is worried that not coming will affect her job or the relationship you have.

She is supporting "you", but not gay marriage, which means, she isn't supporting YOU. She is excited to be in a wedding, but if she isn't supportive of your marriage, she clearly isn't supporting you.

To each their own, but I cannot imagine having someone as my MOH who is probably going to vote against my civil rights if they have a chance.

sdg2502 · May 2013

I would say invite her. I think that the majority of people who say they disagree with gay relationships, or gay marriages, only say that because it is a belief they have grown up with ingrained in them and which only changes when they meet gay people and discover that actually, we aren't any different.
My aunt was a huge support in my life, taking me in when my mum kicked me out, trying to broker peace between me and my parents and offering me hugs and support when I really needed it. Last June, we were at a wedding and I mentioned to my aunt I'd love to get married one day. She looked visibly shocked and immediately her Catholic beliefs kicked in and she told me that basically she didn't agree, thought it was undermining marriage, all the usual. I was so taken aback and asked her if she thought I'd be half the person I am today without my girlfriend. She acknowledged that and so I asked why I didn't deserve to marry my girlfriend of seven years when these friends of ours were able to do so. Then I walked away.
We got engaged on my birthday this January, during a trip to New York. When we got home, there was a birthday card and an engagement card both waiting for me from my aunt and she came round later that week with a present and to see my ring.

I think she had just never really considered it, or questioned why she should hold that belief or why it should still be considered in that way. As soon as it was put right in front of her, and she was forced to confront it, she had to adjust her reasoning or adjust her relationship with me. She adjusted her reasoning. She's not going to adjust it back if another gay couple want to get married. She's a catholic, not an idiot. she understands that if it's acceptable to her that i do it, then it's fine overall.

I think your co worker would really analyse if you getting married honestly means that her, or any other straight marriage is less stable and I think she'll probably evolve her opinions. Good luck!

Mts209 · July 2013

We are right in the middle of our own wedding plans. I have just sent out the "Save the Date" announcements and working now on the actual invitation. We too have the save dilemma of a few that are against same sex marriages. In most cases we can respect each others opinion and let it be. However, a few have been more boisterous about it. IE: Putting their opinion out there on FB, thus in my opinion publicly putting their feelings on the line. So we decided in these cases not to include them in our guest list.

I have to agree with another in that it is our day and I do not need to worry about being judged by guests. Also, I would feel this person would be a hypocrite to attend. Bottom line, we do not want any "drama" (except what I provide lol) and I have no problem explaining to these people if they ask why they are not invited.

SheMarie82 · December 2013

I asked my BEST friend to stand up with me, and after a couple of days of her avoiding the subject, she was able to verbalize that she does not believe in same sex marriage. Though we have been friends since 4th grade, and she has known that me and my FI had been together for over 10 years. I have always said that I could not imagine being married, so she never thought that it was important to bring up.

To say that I was hurt is an understatement, but I told her that I was reversing my invitation for her to be in my wedding. I don't want her to do anything that goes against her beliefs, and I don't want to have any person standing up with us that is not going to lift me and my new wife up in our marriage.

We have unfortunately not talked since, because she said that she was too hurt by me, but I will still send her an invite, though, she will probably choose to not attend. I would say that this has been the hardest thing that we have had to deal with yet.

MissAshleyx3 · February 2014

So I've read everyone's response. I also had this question. The difference with my personal situation is that my bride's parents have already told us they will not be attending the wedding. So what do I do? Completely go through with the wedding with not even telling them the date, or do we still extend the invite knowing they won't be coming....decisions, decisions.

This is probably the toughest part of planning a wedding. Who to invite and who not to, due to their beliefs.

[Deleted User] · March 2014

MissAshleyx3 said:

So I've read everyone's response. I also had this question. The difference with my personal situation is that my bride's parents have already told us they will not be attending the wedding. So what do I do? Completely go through with the wedding with not even telling them the date, or do we still extend the invite knowing they won't be coming....decisions, decisions.

This is probably the toughest part of planning a wedding. Who to invite and who not to, due to their beliefs.

I would invite them so they know the details in case they have a change of heart, they will have the information to be able to show up

cms519 · March 2014

My partner and I did invite one person/family that we thought might not be supportive. We've been together for 15 years and my uncle is always cordial to my partner but we thought he might not be supportive of the marriage. My mom called him, to let him know that we are getting married, that he will be invited and that whether he comes or not will be his decision. (She also told him that if he doesn't come, there will be no hard feelings which isn't strictly true but she didn't clear that with me before the conversation.) I haven't gotten his RSVP yet but we did have a conversation that led me to believe he will be there-- has asked me the date at a party because he was afraid he had a conflict.

One of the tough things about inviting someone who may not be supportive is that you have to deal with the rejection if that happens. We had a commitment ceremony 12 years ago. We invited one of my partner's friends from college, who we knew was very conservative but they had been friends for a long time so we invited her. Initially she responded that she would attend. We got a letter in the mail from her THE DAY BEFORE THE CEREMONY telling us that on second thought, she couldn't attend because she couldn't support our relationship. That rejection the day before the event was so hard for my partner. If you invite the person, you have to be ready to deal with the rejection.

It's a tough call. I would probably invite her.

SheMarie82 · April 2014

My future step FIL doesn't believe in same sex marriage, but I hope that he shows up, shuts his mouth and smiles for the sake of his daughter. If not, she will be crushed!

cms519 · April 2014

Just wanted to follow up on my last comment. My uncle IS coming to the wedding and his message to us was so kind and wonderful! He said that he would not miss my day (actually he referred to me by a childhood nickname that made me cry!), that he wishes us the best in our planning and that he loves us both.

My fiancee said when I sent her the message that it really hit her. She was sitting there thinking, "Why don't people ever change?" and then we got this message that showed such growth from a person who we know has been discriminatory in the past. You never know what will impact people. I always insist that exposure is critical, being "out" is critical. I never could have imagined that this man would support a gay wedding but he loves me as his niece and he's supporting us both! Gives me a little faith in humanity!

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