I wish mom would get over my ex

gosuzy · March 2011

My ex was (and is) a decent guy, but our marriage was dead for years before I finally left. I had hidden my unhappiness so well that my parents were totally blindsided. They really liked my ex. There has NEVER been a divorce in our families.

Now I'm engaged to be married to a wonderful man. Because we are all very busy and live in different towns, my parents have spent very little time with FI so far. Dad is supportive and happy for me. It probably helps that Dad has a LOT in common with my FI. Mom has reservations, which we have tried to discuss (but we don't do well talking about personal stuff, never have).

I know Mom is worried because this will be FI's fourth marriage. FI and I have talked at length about our previous relationships and will probably get some extra premarital counseling. We have also both had individual counseling to deal with our prior marriages.

I'm sure Mom's also unhappy that I will be moving farther away from my parents to be with my FI.

I know Mom is mainly concerned for my happiness, but her unspoken negativity is a real downer. I am hoping that she will come around eventually, once she gets to know my FI better and sees what a great guy he is. I'm in my late 40's, old enough that I really shouldn't care what my mommy thinks, but it still bugs me!

fireytiger · March 2011

I know how you feel. My mom still has photos of me with my ex hanging up in the house (we were high school sweethearts so he's in all of my school dance photos, but still). I've told her to take them down but she won't, she always liked my ex. Which is hilarious, because she's the only one who did lol. Everyone else tried to talk me out of marrying him, my father never went out of his way to stop it but he thought my ex was a stupid hick that didn't know his @ss from a hole in the ground. Which technically he was right. I don't know how to help you with this dilemma, you can't change your mother's feelings. Just be happy that you and FI are good for each other.

Sue-n-Kevin · March 2011

I'm in my late 40's, old enough that I really shouldn't care what my mommy thinks, but it still bugs me!

LOL!

My parents like my fiance, and he's been married 2 times before. I don't sense any negativity toward him, but neither of them is as "hopped up" about my wedding as I am. I took my Mom shopping a couple of weekends ago for her outfit for the wedding, it was a nice time together.

However, I am finding as I've grown older, and THEY have grown older, their focus has changed a lot from being uber-parents to worries about their own "stuff". They obsess about health issues (as they should, they are in their 80's), doctor appointments, and they get forgetful. Their brains don't work the way they used to, and it seems like what's happening in my life isn't as important.

It took me the last few years to come to this conclusion. When they see Kevin, they like him, but talking about the wedding almost seems to drain my Mom..... I know she has no trepidation about me marrying him, because we've been together 3 years, planning a wedding for over a year. I know she is happy for me.
This may not be the same as what you are experiencing with your Mom. But since you admit it's difficult to discuss personal issues, think it over and see if they had the same indifference before you even met him.

Good luck. You are right, we don't need Mommy's approval for everything, but by the same token, they let you leave their "home" long ago so they know they've done a great job with you and trust you.

Marrin713 · March 2011

My parents always liked my ex. After we split and the P's would come up to Chicago to visit, they always made sure to meet up with xH and have a cup of coffee. This went until xH finally got it through his head that I was NOT coming back to him so my parents were no longer necessary to him.

When dad died 1-1/2 years ago, we were down in Florida for the services and my son was on the phone with his father and asked if xH would like to say a few words to my mom. Not to me, to my mom and he said no.

Interesting that when that happened my mom took down the one remaining pic that she had of him and me.

Anyway, neither here nor there now. In your situ, I would just keep on keepin' on. Your mom will come around or she won't. And as Sue said, maybe her focus is on other things like her health or your dad's. Maybe she's not showing enthusiasm due to other things in their lives.

Lisa50 · March 2011

Unspoken negativity? I'm not so sure it is the worst thing in the world. And, honestly, whose mother (friend, sister, cousin) would NOT worry when their child (friend, sister, cousin) chooses to marry someone who has been down the aisle before ... 3 times before??

Perhaps your mom is stuck, not knowing what to say or do, fearful (remember, she IS your mom) that you are making a mistake. And that is what moms do ... worry about their kids. It's in the job description.

She'll come around, the more she sees (with time, lots of time, maybe years) that this is the right relationship for you. No worries!

rapunnzzll · March 2011

Much wisdom in the pp. I hope you find a way to get through all this with your mom. Mom's don't ever stop worrying about their children.

I wish mom would get over my ex

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