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Intimate wedding but LARGE engagement party planned...

sarah+111111sarah+111111
in Pre-wedding Parties
Hello all,

My finance and I are planning an intimate wedding of 15-20 guests, immediate family and best friends only. The only reason for this is because we have both fallen on hard financial times in the past 2 years, and need to be careful with our money. We don't want to start our married lives in debt.

Here is the delima...his mother is so excited and has decided to generously throw us a rather large (80 guests as of now) engagement party. She says that she wants to celebrate us (so sweet) with her huge family and all her friends. While we are greatful for her generosity and excitement, we are not sure how to make it clear to the guests that the wedding will be small. I am aware that "proper etiquitte" says that anyone invited to pre-wedding parties will also get wedding invites, so this is why we aren't sure what to do/how to word the engagement party invitations.

Thanks to everyone for your advice!
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Re: Intimate wedding but LARGE engagement party planned...

  • waltzingmatilda13waltzingmatilda13 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_intimate-wedding-but-large-engagement-party-planned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:875cb198-66b8-43ea-b36c-bf30e136e603Post:874d4cd2-7925-4136-a67c-7f0a20d1274b">Intimate wedding but LARGE engagement party planned...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hello all, My finance and I are planning an intimate wedding of 15-20 guests, immediate family and best friends only. The only reason for this is because we have both fallen on hard financial times in the past 2 years, and need to be careful with our money. We don't want to start our married lives in debt. Here is the delima...his mother is so excited and has decided to generously throw us a rather large (80 guests as of now) engagement party. She says that she wants to celebrate us (so sweet) with her huge family and all her friends. While we are greatful for her generosity and excitement, we are not sure how to make it clear to the guests that the wedding will be small. <strong>I am aware that "proper etiquitte" says that anyone invited to pre-wedding parties will also get wedding invites, so this is why we aren't sure what to do/how to word the engagement party invitations. Thanks to everyone for your advice!</strong>
    Posted by sarah+111111[/QUOTE]

    If you know that proper etiquette says you shouldn't do it, then you really shouldn't do it. There is no nice way to say "hey, come celebrate us being engaged, but don't even think you are invited to watch us get married!" Your best course of action here is to say thanks, but no thanks to the engagement party.

    However, there is no reason why your FMIL can't host another party, like a summer BBQ,  and just not call it an engagement party. Then people can congratulate you as they see you, but it's not a celebration of the engagement in particular.
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  • sister2groomsister2groom
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ditto pp.
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  • hlq2011hlq2011
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think waltzingmatilda made a great suggestion.  Let your FMIL have her party, but don't call it an engagement party.
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  • Alyjane9Alyjane9
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I completely agree. It's sweet that she wants to celebrate your engagement, but you shouldn't invite people to pre-wedding parties and not to the wedding. Waltzingmatilda's ideas sounds like a great middle ground. good luck! :)
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  • mandi921vhmandi921vh member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I would be super uncomfortable if someone threw FI and I an engagement party with people that were not invited to the wedding. Either decline the party or call it something else.
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  • apardy131apardy131
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with pp you really should not have a pre wedding party and invite people you are not going to invite to the wedding
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  • Summer2011BrideSummer2011Bride member
    5000 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Agree with all PP's. Either say thanks but no thanks, or have her just not call it an e-party. People can still congratulate you guys when they see you.


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  • midgemotomidgemoto
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Maybe you can tell her thanks but let's do it AFTER the wedding!

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  • waltzingmatilda13waltzingmatilda13 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_intimate-wedding-but-large-engagement-party-planned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:875cb198-66b8-43ea-b36c-bf30e136e603Post:dd510389-0ae5-4c8f-b4ac-92ccc50be3ed">Re: Intimate wedding but LARGE engagement party planned...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maybe you can tell her thanks but let's do it AFTER the wedding!
    Posted by midgemoto[/QUOTE]

    So they can rub in their faces that they weren't invited to the wedding? This is a really bad idea as well.
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  • FayeValentine69FayeValentine69
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ditto everyone else.  You need to decline the engagement party.  Matilda's suggestion for an informal family gettogether is a great alternative.  As long as the party is focused on your engagement/wedding, there's no reason for guests to feel slighted.
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