Gee, I actually have a WR question

ohwhynot · May 2010

To preface: I am not the morality police. I realize this. But . . .
Fi has a dear friend, let's call him Sam. They met when fi, Sam and let's call her Donna all worked together about 20+ years ago. Sam and Donna had an affair - both were married to other people. I'm not sure how it ended, but in any event Sam and Donna's marriages both survived; both are happily married with children now. Donna lives several states away.

Sam and his wife are definitely on our invitation list - fi and Sam have maintained a close-ish relationship over the years and Sam saw fi through some very difficult times. Fi has kept in email touch over the years, off-and-on, Donna. She sends a Christmas card, when he was in her state they had lunch . . . that sort of thing.

Fi wants to invite Donna & her family to the wedding, too. He said: "It'll be nice for Sam and Donna to catch up." WTH, fi? I'm sure it'll be just great for Sam's wife and Donna's husband to see the two of them "catching up." Just peachy.

Fi admits he didn't really think that through, but in any event it's been, like, 20 years, and everyone's happy now so is there a harm? I don't want to be the morality police, but this seems very awkward to me. Your thoughts?

kate51485 · May 2010

If he's still friends with both of them, I don't see a problem in him inviting both couples. They're grown ups, if they don't want to interact with each other, then they won't.

Femlin · May 2010

"Fi has kept in email touch over the years, off-and-on, Donna. She sends a Christmas card, when he was in her state they had lunch . . . that sort of thing."

If it was me, I say the relationship sounds too casual to worry about inviting her at the risk of making your other, dear friend Sam and his wife feel awkward.

Just think, is it more awkward to not invite Donna or to invite her?

I, personally, would want to avoid any possible drama by not inviting someone who used to be a coworker and good friend but is not an occasional email aquaintance.

sweetpea0911 · May 2010

I wouldn't do it. It wouldn't feel right to me either. But that's just me.

goheels05 · May 2010

Awkward! I'm leaning towards not inviting Donna.

salt78 · May 2010

I don't see the problem with inviting them both if they are both friends, but I think this:

"It'll be nice for Sam and Donna to catch up."

Is kind of a weird statement.

kate51485 · May 2010

I guess I read the significance of the friendship with Donna as more than other people did. I agree that if he's not really that close with her, it probably is fine not to invite her. If he really wants to though, then let him.

sarah0725 · May 2010

I'm leaning against inviting Donna too. It sounds like FI has a pretty casual relationship with her, and he can always chalk it up to having a small wedding or something. If I were Sam's wife, I would probably thank you.

pumpkinpumpkin · May 2010

Mark has an aunt and uncle named Sam and Donna.

salt78 · May 2010

I hate the name Sam. That's my asshole ex's name.

FutureMrsTR · May 2010

To me it would probably depend on if the spouses know who Donna and Sam are. If they don't, hopefully Donna and Sam can behave like adults and just say hi and go on their merry way. If they do, then I think it would be cruel to them to have their husband/wife's former affair shoved in their faces. And it sounds like FI is closer to Sam so he and his wife get invited and Donna doesn't.

ohwhynot · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gee-actually-wr-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:71ede895-ac95-4570-a318-edebf9a7f8eaPost:3c3b8dc3-34fb-41c7-a7fd-f63a85dbf23a">Re: Gee, I actually have a WR question</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't see the problem with inviting them both if they are both friends, but I think this: "It'll be nice for Sam and Donna to catch up." Is kind of a weird statement.
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

Isn't it, though? I swear fi sometimes doesn't think things through. He admits as much, though, to his credit. The 3 of them were very close back in the day (two of them were obviously closer than the other), and I think he was just focusing on how it would be a nice little reunion for them all. So, here we are with this little dilemma.

ETA: we don't know how much, if anything, the spouses know. It could be anywhere from nothing to full disclosure.

strawberrycrz · May 2010

I'm with everyone else that I wouldn't invite her. However, with us our guest list has been cut down to family and close friends and I wouldn't consider her to be a close friend based on what you described. Also I wouldn't want my close friend to have to feel awkward in any way.

danieliza1127 · May 2010

Do Sam and Donna's spouses know about the affair?

The most logical answer to me would be to just invite them all and let them decide if they are comfortable coming or not. If they don't know that the other would be invited, your FI should let them know "Hey Sam, Donna and her family is invited, just so you know".

Although if your FI and Donna only talk once or twice a year, then I don't see why she and her family would be invited.

FutureMrsTR · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gee-actually-wr-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:71ede895-ac95-4570-a318-edebf9a7f8eaPost:378b478b-74fc-4502-aa47-3779bc691ac3">Re: Gee, I actually have a WR question</a>:
[QUOTE]ETA: we don't know how much, if anything, the spouses know. It could be anywhere from nothing to full disclosure.
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

Then I would err on the side of caution and not invite Donna and her husband. I don't think that even after 20 years I would want to <em>see</em> the woman my husband cheated on me with, let alone possibly have to socialize with her while she and my husband "catch up". Blech.

Femlin · May 2010

" I don't think that even after 20 years I would want to see the woman my husband cheated on me with, let alone possibly have to socialize with her while she and my husband "catch up". "

Omg, I was thinking this too! I can totally see myself throwing back way too many drinks too fast and then telling a friend, "Hold these (takes out hoop earrings) Ima be right back.." and totally embarassing myself by walking over to her and starting shiz that would be talked about for years.

dazed2confused · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gee-actually-wr-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:71ede895-ac95-4570-a318-edebf9a7f8eaPost:fc022be4-83a1-40a0-9eba-f8265963bc80">Re: Gee, I actually have a WR question</a>:
[QUOTE]Do Sam and Donna's spouses know about the affair? <div>
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

</div><div>If they know of the affair i would not invite her. Otherwise maybe ask Sam how he feels since you are closer to him. </div>

SheDiva4 · May 2010

[QUOTE]Omg, I was thinking this too! I can totally see myself throwing back way too many drinks too fast and then telling a friend, "Hold these (takes out hoop earrings) Ima be right back.." and totally embarassing myself by walking over to her and starting shiz that would be talked about for years.Posted by Femlin[/QUOTE]

LOL...Do you think either Sam , Donna or their spouses would start any drama at the wedding. if so then I would definitely not invite Donna. No need for drama as you celebrate your marriage.

angie74 · May 2010

If you're friends with both of them, I say invite them both. if the awkwardness is still there, let them be adults and deal

however, if they don't know about each other, I'd say leave Donna at home. that has seriously rotten potential

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