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FMIL rsvp

ajcassell512ajcassell512 member
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
My FI's mom has never really been a part of his life but we invited her because he said it is very important to him. Now we are about 12 days from the rsvp by date and have heard nothing. I called her and left a message but haven't heard anything... What should I do? FI is upset and says if she doesn't come he doesn't want anything to do with her. Should I drop it? Try to email or call again? I guess it's just tough for me because I am so close with my mom and can't imagine her not being there.
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Re: FMIL rsvp

  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited September 2012
    You are still 12 days out so you should not be calling anyone yet.  Heck, your bio says you are getting married October 20th so why such an incredibly early RSVP date?

    Wait 2-3 days after your RSVP date and call.  If you have to leave a message it can go something like this, "Hi Carol, this is aj.  We have not received your RSVP for the wedding.  We have to turn in final numbers on Friday.  If we do not hear from you by Friday morning we will put you down as a no and hope to see you another time."

    ETA:  after that, you need to step back.  You can't be the fixer in all of this.  You invited her and now she decides whether or not to attend.  I'm sorry she has been so absent in FI's life, but you need to stay out of it after this.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    So she still has 12 days to RSVP and you are already bugging her?

    Wait about 5-7 days AFTER your RSVP date to call anyone, including your FMIL, who has not RSVP'd by the due date.  This allows for anyone who put their RSVP in the mail on the due date some wiggle room.

    If, after you call (really your FI should call her since it is his mother) and she declines then it should be left up to your FI as to how he wants to proceed with a relationship with her.

    So until a week after your RSVP deadline comes do not bug her about it anymore.  Did you ever think that since she hasn't really had a relationship with her son in many years that she is contemplating what she wants to do and may be confused as to whether she should go, whether you both really want her there or if the invite was more of a "requirement" type thing.  So just like your FI is having a lot of feelings about this she too is probably also having a lot of feelings.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-rsvp-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:84ce433e-aab1-4b1b-8c72-a96fd7ad6c41Post:bcd7062c-c04c-4a76-abb0-ec06e1f29d1a">Re: FMIL rsvp</a>:
    [QUOTE]You are still 12 days out so you should not be calling anyone yet.  Heck, your bio says you are <strong>getting married October 20th so why such an incredibly early RSVP date?</strong> Wait 2-3 days after your RSVP date and call.  If you have to leave a message it can go something like this, "Hi Carol, this is aj.  We have not received your RSVP for the wedding.  We have to turn in final numbers on Friday.  If we do not hear from you by Friday morning we will put you down as a no and hope to see you another time."
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    This is a side note, but H and I were invited to a wedding on Oct 13th and the RSVP date was September 1st.  And then we got invited to another wedding on Nov 3rd and the RSVP date is October 1st (oh this invite was received before the October wedding invite).

    I guess some brides get a little trigger happy when it comes to their invites and RSVP dates but having such an early RSVP date is just annoying as is getting the invite 3 months before the wedding.

    Done with my thread hijacking!

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  • GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-rsvp-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:84ce433e-aab1-4b1b-8c72-a96fd7ad6c41Post:56c297b1-54e0-4a75-9eed-0c31e645f549">Re: FMIL rsvp</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL rsvp : This is a side note, but H and I were invited to a <strong>wedding on Oct 13th and the RSVP date was September 1st.</strong>  And then we got invited to another wedding on Nov 3rd and the RSVP date is October 1st (oh this invite was received before the October wedding invite). I guess some brides get a little trigger happy when it comes to their invites and RSVP dates but having such an early RSVP date is just annoying as is getting the invite 3 months before the wedding. Done with my thread hijacking!
    Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

    Congratulations Maggie - you made some bride's A-list.

    OP - why in hell are you bugging anybody about their RSVP nearly two weeks before the response date???
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
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  • ajcassell512ajcassell512 member
    First Comment
    Wow, thanks for all your responses. I have never planned or been a part of a wedding. Pretty much planning all aspects of the day myself and just went by what I was reading online and on theknot.com about when to send invites and set rsvp dates. Soooo that's why I did it that way. And the reason I called his mother is that he asked me to and to offer for her to stay with us for the weekend. But thanks again for all of the kind resposes and questions! I will say that the two of them not having a relationship isn't for lack of him trying and I guess I will just leave well enough alone! All I can do is be there for my FI! Thanks ladies :)
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-rsvp-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:84ce433e-aab1-4b1b-8c72-a96fd7ad6c41Post:fc02ff0f-c106-4133-8813-b2c2621e0b32">Re: FMIL rsvp</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL rsvp : <strong>Congratulations Maggie - you made some bride's A-list.</strong> OP - why in hell are you bugging anybody about their RSVP nearly two weeks before the response date???
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    Hahaha...I could definitley see the one bride having a b-list so I guess I should feel good about getting the invite so early!

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  • GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited September 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-rsvp-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:84ce433e-aab1-4b1b-8c72-a96fd7ad6c41Post:14447d0a-d024-44c7-b542-d3810ca99687">Re: FMIL rsvp</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow, thanks for all your responses. I have never planned or been a part of a wedding. Pretty much planning all aspects of the day myself and just went by what I was reading online and on theknot.com about when to send invites and set rsvp dates. Soooo that's why I did it that way. <strong>And the reason I called his mother is that he asked me to and to offer for her to stay with us for the weekend</strong>. But thanks again for all of the kind resposes and questions! I will say that the two of them not having a relationship isn't for lack of him trying and I guess I will just leave well enough alone! All I can do is be there for my FI! Thanks ladies :)
    Posted by ajcassell512[/QUOTE]

    So just call and offer her a place to stay if she is coming to the wedding.  You don't have to have an answer to make this offer.  I do think this is a conversation your FI should be having with her.  If he wants her there, he should be able to talk to her himself.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
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  • nafallonnafallon member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Just for Maggie's info.  My daughter's venue required a final head count a month in advance, so we had to have an early RSVP date.  We allowed a few days for people who dropped their responses in the mail on the due date and also time to call those who  didn't respond at all.
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  • GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited September 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-rsvp-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:84ce433e-aab1-4b1b-8c72-a96fd7ad6c41Post:7b902713-a36d-4d2e-b822-3f027b4644d7">Re: FMIL rsvp</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just for Maggie's info.  My daughter's venue required a final head count a month in advance, so we had to have an early RSVP date.  We allowed a few days for people who dropped their responses in the mail on the due date and also time to call those who  didn't respond at all.
    Posted by nafallon[/QUOTE]

    I think you meant me.  An RSVP date of 6 weeks before the wedding (which is when invitations are generally mailed) is a pretty good indicator of an A and B list.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-rsvp-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:84ce433e-aab1-4b1b-8c72-a96fd7ad6c41Post:7b902713-a36d-4d2e-b822-3f027b4644d7">Re: FMIL rsvp</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just for Maggie's info.  <strong>My daughter's venue required a final head count a month in advance</strong>, so we had to have an early RSVP date.  We allowed a few days for people who dropped their responses in the mail on the due date and also time to call those who  didn't respond at all.
    Posted by nafallon[/QUOTE]

    Honestly any venue who requires a final head count that early is ridiculous.  It does not take a month for them to order in the necessary food, or rent the necessary chairs, tables, etc for the event.  I am positive that if you went to your venue a week out and told them you needed to add 20 extra people they would be more then willing to accomodate them because they would be making extra money.  Now if they can accomodate 20 extra people with only a week to go why is it so necessary they have a headcount so far in advance?

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  • ajcassell512ajcassell512 member
    First Comment
    edited September 2012
    Goodluck: That's why I called, left a message but haven't heard back.  nafallon & maggie: My venue is the same way. I figured most places would be this way. Obviously, they could add ppl up to a week before but I think it's just to safeguard against ppl who are prone to be procrastinators or whatnot.
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  • nafallonnafallon member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    It was at a state park and they would adjust the number up or down a little bit, but over that (I don't remember the exact amount...I think it was just about 5)  there was a hefty surcharge.  One day when I was out in the community I happened to mention that I thought it was a little ridiculous, and there happened to be someone in the group that had worked there and she said they did in fact place their orders for the kitchen that far in advance.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-rsvp-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:84ce433e-aab1-4b1b-8c72-a96fd7ad6c41Post:bbb33537-854a-4f61-ae50-f3fd540ad887">FMIL rsvp</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FI's mom has never really been a part of his life but we invited her because he said it is very important to him. Now we are about 12 days from the rsvp by date and have heard nothing.<strong> I called her and left a message but haven't heard anything... What should I do? </strong>FI is upset and says if she doesn't come he doesn't want anything to do with her. Should I drop it? Try to email or call again? I guess it's just tough for me because I am so close with my mom and can't imagine her not being there.
    Posted by ajcassell512[/QUOTE]

    Don't do anything else right now. The ball should be in her court. If the RSVP date passes without an answer, you should call and leave her another message that your head count is due on x day.

    If she doens't respond or show up, you should leave it up to your fi whether or not he wants to have a relationship with her. Try to focus on the people who are happy for you and want to celebrate your marriage.

    Good luck.

    p.s. Are you absolutely certain that your contact info for his mother is correct?
                       
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  • Muffin'sMomMuffin'sMom
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-rsvp-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:84ce433e-aab1-4b1b-8c72-a96fd7ad6c41Post:bcd7062c-c04c-4a76-abb0-ec06e1f29d1a">Re: FMIL rsvp</a>:
    [QUOTE]You are still 12 days out so you should not be calling anyone yet.  Heck, your bio says you are getting married October 20th so why such an incredibly early RSVP date? Wait 2-3 days after your RSVP date and call.  If you have to leave a message it can go something like this, "Hi Carol, this is aj.  We have not received your RSVP for the wedding.  We have to turn in final numbers on Friday.  If we do not hear from you by Friday morning we will put you down as a no and hope to see you another time." ETA:  after that, you need to step back.  You can't be the fixer in all of this.  You invited her and now she decides whether or not to attend.  I'm sorry she has been so absent in FI's life, but you need to stay out of it after this.
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    This...absolutely.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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  • theelusive1theelusive1
    First Comment
    Are you sure she got the invite?  With all the things we have returned to us I worry about the mail all the time.  We get stuff back that we mail our own children, same address they have lived at since they got married etc. We go back to the PO and they send it back out again.  It is always marked something like no addresee, not forwardable, no such address, no one by that name living at that address. no such address.  I am glad all our kids and grandkids know we have mailed bd and cmas cards to them.   I will say out of 11 grandkids we got 4 back in the past year and two of our 6 childrens cards came back.  We nor the post office has any idea why.  All of them live in well established neighborhoods.
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