Wedding Party

Best Man? Really?!?

I am all for planning every aspect of the wedding with my FI.  It's our day and I want us to make important decisions together.  That being said, am I allowed to voice my opinion on his Best Man or Groomsmen? 
The guy he wants as his BM is not who I would choose for many reasons, but my FI refuses to ask anyone but him.  Some examples of why I think he is a TERRIBLE choice:
1) This MARRIED friend has disliked me ever since he tried to pull a move on me at a party and I shot him down QUICK (He didn't know my FI & I were a couple at the time)
2) He called our house one time, and when I explained that my FI wasn't home he lectured me on why I need to be more like my FI's ex-wife (they were all good friends I guess)
3) He hounds me on Facebook to work harder or maybe get a second job so my FI can cut back.  I now work part-time and take care of our child the other days
4) He is VERY immature.  A 40-something guy who bought himself a chef's apron with a 3ft male body part on it for Christmas this year "From Santa" My FMIL doesn't even like him b/c he has such a dirty mouth and sense of humor. (She calls him "the pig!" LOL Just 1 reason I love her!)
5) This guys wife has said many times that she wishes my FI had married her sister so they could be a family

I have tried nicely asking my FI to select his cousin or brother instead, but his response is that this friend calls him more than anyone else to see how he's doing.  Even with all of these issues, my FI is stubborn and says his friend "won't pull any crap" on our wedding day (like objecting!)

Am I wrong to stress?  Or is this one issue that I should just let go and let my FI have his way no matter how uncomfortable it makes me?  Am I being a crazy controlling bride?

ANY ADVICE WOULD BE WONDERFUL!  Thanks!

Re: Best Man? Really?!?

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_best-man-really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7ba65d9d-59b0-430e-b954-c598888e8bdbPost:a69724b3-aa8f-464a-a9c7-c38306f252a7">Best Man? Really?!?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am all for planning every aspect of the wedding with my FI.  It's our day and I want us to make important decisions together.  That being said, am I allowed to voice my opinion on his Best Man or Groomsmen?  The guy he wants as his BM is not who I would choose for many reasons, but my FI refuses to ask anyone but him.  Some examples of why I think he is a TERRIBLE choice: 1) This MARRIED friend has disliked me ever since he tried to pull a move on me at a party and I shot him down QUICK (He didn't know my FI & I were a couple at the time) 2) He called our house one time, and when I explained that my FI wasn't home he lectured me on why I need to be more like my FI's ex-wife (they were all good friends I guess) 3) He hounds me on Facebook to work harder or maybe get a second job so my FI can cut back.  I now work part-time and take care of our child the other days 4) He is VERY immature.  A 40-something guy who bought himself a chef's apron with a 3ft male body part on it for Christmas this year "From Santa" My FMIL doesn't even like him b/c he has such a dirty mouth and sense of humor. (She calls him "the pig!" LOL Just 1 reason I love her!) 5) This guys wife has said many times that she wishes my FI had married her sister so they could be a family I have tried nicely asking my FI to select his cousin or brother instead, but his response is that this friend calls him more than anyone else to see how he's doing.  Even with all of these issues, my FI is stubborn and says his friend "won't pull any crap" on our wedding day (like objecting!) Am I wrong to stress?  Or is this one issue that I should just let go and let my FI have his way no matter how uncomfortable it makes me?  Am I being a crazy controlling bride? ANY ADVICE WOULD BE WONDERFUL!  Thanks!
    Posted by Binga[/QUOTE]

    You pick your side, he picks his.

    The issues you're ignoring that you shouldn't be are a) why is your FI friends with an immature douchebag, and b) why does your FI allow his friend to treat you so poorly?
  • First of all, block this person on Facebook or unfriend them. No excuses. Just do it. No one has the right to lecture you except maybe your parents. And sometimes random people on The Knot ;)

    Second of all, what has your fiance said about the way this person has treated you and the things his wife has said? I mean, clearly he's a good friend to your fiance, but they're terrible people to you and you shouldn't have to have them in your life.
    image
  • I usually don't jump on the "you have a fiance problem" band wagon, but it really seems you do. Have you told him all this? If you have and he doesn't care, I'd really think long and hard about what that means about your relationship. I can guarantee you my FI would NOT put up with one of his friends treating me like that, no matter the duration or strength of the relationship.

    If you haven't told FI, why the heck not? This is the person you are committing your entire life to. If you can't openly discuss issues like that, that's a serious problem. I mean, FI and I have had discussions about issues with each others friends that were no where NEAR this serious. But we're both able, and willing, to be open about all our relationships and discuss them in terms of our relationship. That's kind of vital if you want to make something work.
  • He sounds like an ass, and you and your fiance definitely need to say something to him about not tolerating that behavior. 

    Vonclancy, I love that bouquet!
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_best-man-really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7ba65d9d-59b0-430e-b954-c598888e8bdbPost:8be9a6bb-f25c-45bc-91bf-262e3a0a3c7e">Re: Best Man? Really?!?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I usually don't jump on the "you have a fiance problem" band wagon, but it really seems you do. Have you told him all this? <u>If you have and he doesn't care, I'd really think long and hard about what that means about your relationship.</u> I can guarantee you my FI would NOT put up with one of his friends treating me like that, no matter the duration or strength of the relationship. If you haven't told FI, why the heck not? This is the person you are committing your entire life to. If you can't openly discuss issues like that, that's a serious problem. I mean, FI and I have had discussions about issues with each others friends that were no where NEAR this serious. But we're both able, and willing, to be open about all our relationships and discuss them in terms of our relationship. That's kind of vital if you want to make something work.
    Posted by vonclancy[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Exactly this, especially the underlined part. Even if this guy is your FIs oldest and dearest friend, your FI is marrying you. YOU and your feelings should be top priority to him.

    </div>
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_best-man-really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7ba65d9d-59b0-430e-b954-c598888e8bdbPost:4c855a48-4037-433c-b2df-dac3ecc501be">Re: Best Man? Really?!?</a>:
    [QUOTE] Vonclancy, I love that bouquet!
    Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

    Thanks Addie! I'm getting it with blue hydrangeas to match our colors. I'm SUPER excited to see it!
  • You cannot pick your FI's friends, but as others have said, you can talk to your FI about the way he treats you.

    I am also not a fan of my FI's best friend/best man, but he has never been disrespectful to me like the way this guy has to you. The worst thing my FI's friend has done is point out attractive women and their...body parts to my FI right in front of me. My FI spoke to him about it and he hasn't done it since. You really need to talk to your FI about how this guy disrepsects you. If he's a man at all, he'll stand up for you with this guy.

    That said, if your FI wants him to be the BM, then he should be the BM.

    (Also...not sure if this will help you but FI's best man is a drunken idiot and we are not having speeches from the BM or MOH because of this. Eliminating the speeches altogether because of this might help your stress a little...)
  • edited January 2013
    This is weird all the way around.  Why does your FI let someone treat his future wife in that manner?  Unacceptable.

    My husband is the most peace loving, easygoing guy out there.... until you mess with his family.  And that includes me.  He'd be shaking with rage if anyone said nasty things to me while he was present.  Fortunately for my husband, I'm good at standing up for myself, and letting people know where they can go if someone crosses the line with me.  He's never had to 'protect the little woman'.

    Both of you need to stand up for yourselves and each other.  Life is too short to let people be abusive to you, or to your family.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

    image

    Anniversary

  • Thanks for the support and advice!
    I have talked to my FI about it, and his response is that his friend is jealous.  (I guess his marraige is ending?  I try not to ask)  He says "Jay is just being Jay"   My FI thinks that b/c his friend made him  the Godfather to his daughter that it would be rude to eliminate him from his life b/c we dont get along. 
    I try to keep the peace with all of my FI's friends, so I only told him bits and pieces of how his friend has behaved and it seems to upset him b/c he feels conflicted.  His friend was there for him when his last marraige was ending, so he feels the need to help him out.
    I agree with you ladies that his friend needs to learn to respect me.  Hopefully that is something we will work toward in the future!

    That being said, I understand I can't choose his friends (this one luckily lives across the country now) or his BM.  I love what beardownbchs suggested!  I know there will be no speech from this guy!

    THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_best-man-really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7ba65d9d-59b0-430e-b954-c598888e8bdbPost:ce585d3f-6923-4175-a9ea-2d10643cd1b0">Re: Best Man? Really?!?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the support and advice! I have talked to my FI about it, and his response is that his friend is jealous.  (I guess his marraige is ending?  I try not to ask)  He says <strong>"Jay is just being Jay" </strong>  My FI thinks that b/c his friend made him  the Godfather to his daughter that it would be rude to eliminate him from his life b/c we dont get along.  I try to keep the peace with all of my FI's friends, so I only told him bits and pieces of how his friend has behaved and it seems to upset him b/c he feels conflicted.  His friend was there for him when his last marraige was ending, so he feels the need to help him out. I agree with you ladies that his friend needs to learn to respect me.   Hopefully that is something we will work toward in the future! That being said, I understand I can't choose his friends (this one luckily lives across the country now) or his BM.  I love what beardownbchs suggested!  I know there will be no speech from this guy! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!
    Posted by Binga[/QUOTE]
    Jay is a jerk. Jerkface is being a jerk.

    You should sit down with your fiance and let him know what's been going on to the fullest extent. Tell your Fiance straight out that you aren't going to make him choose between you two. That should help your fiance to want to listen to you.
    I get why he doesn't want to write this friend off, but this friendship is coming at a terrible cost to you.
    image
  • edited January 2013
    We had a groomsman that I wasn't thrilled about either. He wasn't as bad as the guy in your situation. I kept my mouth shut for the most part and just said, he better not bail on us. As time went on and wedding planning went on, the gm was doing things that my husband didn't like, but he wasn't about to un-ask him. Luckily the gm showed up & did what he was suppose to, but due to his behavior before the wedding, once the wedding was over, my husband has been talking to him less and less. I actually expect the friendship to be over within the year. The important thing is that I can't be blamed for the end of the friendship. The GM did it all himself by his behavior to my husband. I'm just biting my tongue and let things take their course.

    In regards how his friends talk to you, not sure if it's possible but try to stand up to them by telling them that when they say things like that it hurts your feelings. Or try to come up with some smart comebacks. In the end if it continue, just sit your FI down and calmly tell him that when his friends say those things, it hurts your feelings or makes you feel uncomfortable and maybe he can talk to them. I have a feeling if "the pig" does anything that could potentially ruin your wedding day, well that will be the end of the friendship anyways.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_best-man-really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7ba65d9d-59b0-430e-b954-c598888e8bdbPost:ce585d3f-6923-4175-a9ea-2d10643cd1b0">Re: Best Man? Really?!?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the support and advice! I have talked to my FI about it, and his response is that his friend is jealous.  (I guess his marraige is ending?  I try not to ask)  He says "Jay is just being Jay"   My FI thinks that b/c his friend made him  the Godfather to his daughter that it would be rude to eliminate him from his life b/c we dont get along.  I try to keep the peace with all of my FI's friends, so I only told him bits and pieces of how his friend has behaved and it seems to upset him b/c he feels conflicted.  His friend was there for him when his last marraige was ending, so he feels the need to help him out.<strong> I agree with you ladies that his friend needs to learn to respect me.</strong>   Hopefully that is something we will work toward in the future! That being said, I understand I can't choose his friends (this one luckily lives across the country now) or his BM.  I love what beardownbchs suggested!  I know there will be no speech from this guy! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!
    Posted by Binga[/QUOTE]

    Maybe someday your FI will follow suit. Because right now his friend is more important to him than you are.
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