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R-Dinner and Bridal Shower help

anwilcoxanwilcox member
First Comment
in Pre-wedding Parties
My fiance's parents offered to pay for the RD and the planning is going great. FMIL asked me for a few ideas and they chose the one they liked the best of the options we gave and are happywith it. Here are my issues:

FMIL is not the "wedding" type girl that I am. I am very girlie and that isn't her style. I know that she just wants to pay for the place and handle the menu, alcohol, etc. but I don't know how to offer to handle the invites and centerpieces etc. without sounding like I don't want/think she can do it! I know she can but I also know she has zero interest in doing it.

Second issue:

My family is from 1.5 hrs south of fiance's family and in another state but it might as well be a different country! Due to the same personality things I mentioned above I know my FMIL will not be hosting a bridal shower for her side of the family and I am fine with that. I have assumed since the beginning she wouldn't. However, my family is very hurt by the bypass of this tradition. My mother is inviting her to the shower for our side and I'm sure she will come but I don't know how to make it known that its o.k. with me that she isn't doing this. I don't want anyone to ask her about the shower she is hosting (because it is unheard of for her not to be hosting one) and have her feel embarassed or guilty that she didn't do it. My mother and MOH don't know half or so of the guest list so I can't have them spread the word that it isn't as common where FMIL is from.

p.s. Where I am from the FMIL hosting a bridal shower is seen as the FMIL welcoming the bride into the family. The lack of a shower is a stand taken by FMIL that don't approve of the wedding.



Any advice?
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Re: R-Dinner and Bridal Shower help

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    lilianne22lilianne22 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    RD-If FMIL is hosting, you don't get to pick the decor, menu, etc.  She's footing the bill so that's all up to her.

    Shower-I've never heard of a shower being expected of someone since it is supposed to be a gift and no one is required to host a shower for you.   It's not your job to go around explaining why FMIL didn't do something, but if it's the norm in your area I would just reiterate to your mom that in you FMIL's circle that isn't the case, so she is choosing not to host one and it is in no way a slight to you.  As for explaining this to the rest of the shower guests, I think it's unnecessary.
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    anwilcoxanwilcox member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    lilianne - Thanks for your response. I understand what your saying. I guess I should have been more clear. I understand that she gets to decide all of the decor, menu, invites etc. bur I know she is dreading decor and invites and want to offer to do it but don't want to offend her. She is doing the menu and all of it right now. Ive already explained the shower thing to my mom and she is fine . My  fear is multiple people excitedly and innocently asking FMIL about the shower (they will expect) she is hosting and making her feel guilty and awkward about not doing it. I'm not sure how to avoid this but don't want her to feel like she needs to host one quick since everyone asked her about it and made her feel obligated.
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    mysticlmysticl member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I have to say that I have never been to an RD that had invites..  I was always told about the rehearsal and dinner via phone or e-mail.   I don't recall any decorations at any of them and I have a really good memory so either there weren't any or they were completely unremarkable.   You can't really offer to do it for her without it sounding like you don't trust her but just let her know that it doesn't need to be anything extravagent. 

    I have never known the grooms mother to host a shower, in fact in my experience it would be weird, so I can't help you with that one.  Other than if the tradition is for the FMIL to host it for her side of the family why would your side ask about it?  I would assume that they wouldn't be invited to it even if it was taking place and therefore have no need to ask her any questions. Unless, I'm understanding you wrong. 
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    anwilcoxanwilcox member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    mysticl - I think I am going to go with your suggestion on the RD and just let her know whatever she does will be great. As far as the RD goes the norms and expectations are the same for both sides so she isn't suprised by doing invites, centerpieces, etc. I just wanted to offer to take the weight off of her since she doesn't enjoy doing those things but I'm not sure I can without offending her so I am going to let that one go.

    Yes, the shower would be FMIL hosting for his side of the family. WIth my side not knowing her very well it is common "small talk" to ask the FMIL questions about what she is doing for her shower, serving, etc. They will do so in an excited manner because the norm is for the FMIL to be very happy about hosting this function. I'm pretty sure I don't have a way of stopping it from coming up so I may just have to have my fiance' prepare her that it will and let her know that we don't expect her to follow this old tradition. I just hope she doesn't feel bad about not doing it because I don't want her to feel obligated.I appreciate everything his family has done already!
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    likeadeadstarlikeadeadstar
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Maybe you could have FI mention it to her and how okay you are, and perhaps if someone loudly brings it up, say, "Oh goodness, one shower is overwhelming me so much, I can't imagine handling two!  I insisted I am much happier with just one."

    Or, since she's not girly, maybe instead of a 'shower', have FI suggest a 'welcome to the family' intimate dinner hosted by her, in lieu of.  A gesture that shows she embraces you, but something more her style (even a homecooked meal and wine in together)?    If you feel that would spare her feeling bad, she could express that she wanted to do a little atypical/nontraditional celebration to welcome you.

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    anwilcoxanwilcox member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Awesome idea! You all have been really helpful!
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    heyimbrenheyimbren member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I like the idea of "covering" for your FMIL. If anyone does ask her about the shower they think she should be throwing, I think you can step in and say something about how you only want one. Or you could even explain that that just isn't a tradition where she's from. I hope the guests attending your shower don't feel rude to pursue it any further, and can understand that traditions vary by region.
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