Engaged and a difficult mother. Any advice?

Re: Engaged and a difficult mother. Any advice?

• Summer2011Bride member

  

  June 2012

  Who is paying for the wedding? If Mom is, then you will have to wait and do things her way. I'm sure it's frustrating, but she probably just has your best interest in mind, or what she perceives to be your best interests. If you were to get married before graduating, do you and FI have a way to support yourselves while you finish school?
  
  If you really want to get married now, then you could pay for your wedding, and your mother won't have a say. Like I said, I would only do this if you guys can support yourselves while you are finishing up your degree.

  
  
  
  
  

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• ambeth619 member

  

  June 2012

  I wasn't planning on marrying for at least another year to get ourselves into a situation where we can support ourselves better than we could right now. As far as who's footing the bill if I finish college she'll pay for it but if I don't finish college first she won't help at all.

  
  

  I'm unfortunately going to have to wai for college to be over with because I'm sure she's right about waiting but not even discussing the matter is what I don't like. She refuses to acknowledge the fact that I'm engaged. I'm confused about her motives by doing this which is why I was curious if anyone else was experiencing anything similar. lol.

  

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• Summer2011Bride member

  

  June 2012

  It is frustrating she won't talk about it with you. Has she had issues with you dating FI before or is it just the engagement she has issues with? My mom always harped on me about finishing my degree before marrying (and so glad I did!), that I think she probably would've been upset had I gotten engaged before finishing college too.
  
  I might give it some time. I know you said you've been engaged since Dec. but I would maybe not talk wedding with her for a little bit. However, you are engaged and I would still be happy about that because it is a good thing. Don't let her completely rain on your parade, as hard as that might be.

  
  
  
  
  

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• vbandell member

  

  June 2012

  That kind of really sucks! It would be hard not to have my mother sharing the excitement with me. I would try to sit down with your mother and be clear with her on how you are feeling. Maybe she just doesnt see what she is doing. If she is paying and you would like her support till finishing school see if she would be open to setting the date the summer or fall or whatever time of year after you graduate but see if she can help you start the wedding planning now. Then you dont have to wait to start planning till after you graduate and you mom gets her way with you waiting till after you graduate.

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• Annas2013 member

  

  June 2012

  Give it time.  My parents were the same way.  They were willing to help pay for the wedding, but only if we planned to get married after graduation.  I was already planning on graduating early, so it worked out for us.  Just give her time.  She'll come around eventually.  It's not a bad thing to wait until you finish school, I promise.  It's hard sometimes and it sucks, but it's worth it.

  

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• prettyfacegal

  

  June 2012

  Just have a long engagement.

  
  

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• USMCBride90

  

  June 2012

  My mother was, and still is, very difficult with anything regarding wedding plans. FI and I got engaged over a year ago and the wedding date is set for next month. FI is also active duty military, and my mother had some issues with that. FI and I are paying for the entire wedding ourselves, and I've not had any help or input from my mother in regards to the actual planning since the day we got engaged. She wanted no part in it and has stayed pretty quiet throughout the whole planning process. She just recently decided to attend my bridal shower and is loosening up a bit and starting to talk about things little by little. All I could do was move forward with our plans and be happy with our decision. She's very slowly starting to come around.
  
  Like PP's have stated, if your mom is footing the bill, then she will have some say in the timeline and budget. If you and your FI can afford it, I would suggest paying for your wedding yourselves. Personally, FI and I didn't want anyone else paying for ours and wouldn't have accepted any funds. We took out a small loan to cover the cost of the reception and some of the larger expenses, but the rest came out of pocket. I understand not everyone wants to go that route though.

  

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• Wife Kitty member

  

  June 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-and-a-difficult-mother-any-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:3e974764-eea9-46cf-a0bd-01cd5e66f1e9Post:ef27363f-3df4-4727-b16a-9456eb07140f">Re: Engaged and a difficult mother. Any advice?</a>:
  [QUOTE]That kind of really sucks! It would be hard not to have my mother sharing the excitement with me. <strong>I would try to sit down with your mother and be clear with her on how you are feeling. Maybe she just doesnt see what she is doing.</strong> If she is paying and you would like her support till finishing school see if she would be open to setting the date the summer or fall or whatever time of year after you graduate but see if she can help you start the wedding planning now. Then you dont have to wait to start planning till after you graduate and you mom gets her way with you waiting till after you graduate.
  Posted by vbandell[/QUOTE]
  
  This reminds me of what a friend of mine did back when we were in college. We'd just turned 21 and she was my first friend to get engaged. She was also an only child, so she was "Daddy's little girl" and it was hard for him to want to discuss her engagement, let alone her wedding. He liked her fiance (not sure how your mom feels about yours), but he was very concerned that she might not finish school.
  
  She finally had to sit with him over lunch one day and explain to him that she was going to finish school no matter when she got married, so he needn't worry about that. She also pointed out that she understood that he wanted to show his concern for her, but that the way it came across, it felt like a judgment of her character and her intelligence. She basically just wanted him to give her a chance to prove that she knew how to make the right calls for her own life. After that, he came around and was agreeable to helping with the wedding. For her part, she did indeed finish school on time so her dad could be proud.
  
  So if you're able to prove that you're as serious about your education as you are about your wedding, maybe this will ease your mom's mind and encourage her to be more open about it. Good luck!

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