Advice on SD...

CA.Giraffe · February 2013

I have two stepdaughters. One is nearly 18, lives with us full-time, no mom in the picture. We get along great.

My other stepdaughter is 6 and lives with her mom, two hours away from us. We get her every other weekend. Her mom and I get along fine, and I want to say upfront that I don't think her mom is a "bad" mom at all; she certainly cares about her kid. That being said...SD's not thriving.

SD is always sick. We have had 10 weekends out of the last 25 rescheduled because she's been sick with a flu, strep, a cold, ear infection, stomach bug...and even when she comes and is "healthy", she always has a cough and runny nose, is pale and not terribly energetic. She's a super small child (will be 7 in July, wears a size 4T, neither parent is petite). In pictures, most people assume she's 3 or 4. It's frustrating to have her sick all the time, to say nothing of how she must feel. She's had her tonsils out, but it didn't help. Her mom takes her to the doctor regularly, and usually comes home with antibiotics but no real explanation as to why she never feels well and can't fight any of these bugs off. I'd love to push harder and seek some answers, but don't want the mom to feel I'm imposing or questioning her judgment on the matter, and the distance makes it such that this would require a coordinated effort.

The other big issue is her schooling. SD did not attend any preschool or daycare, and I'm not sure how much her mom may have worked with her on reading/writing/math. SD went to kindergarten last year, and at the end of the year, it was recommended that she be held back to repeat kindergarten this year - partially because she had missed so many days due to illness (36 out of 181 school days). So, now we're halfway through her second year of kindergarten, and she's still not doing well (still missing a lot, too). She cannot recognize all her letters, cannot count higher than 25 or so. She cannot write her name, or read even simple three-letter words. My older SD is an aide in a kindergarten class two days per week, and believes her sister is way behind. Her mom has told DH and me that she believes the expectations in kindergarten are unreasonable, they didn't do any work like this when she was that age, SD will pick it up with school gets "serious" in first grade. DH and I disagree, but we're not sure how much we want to push - SD's mom is adamant that SD not be tuned into the fact that she might need extra help. DH and I do wonder if SD's hearing is poor, and asked her mom to have it checked, but she hasn't followed through and DH hasn't found anywhere around here to have it done on a weekend.

This is where it might sound judgy, but I really don't mean it to be - SD's mom doesn't value education as a way to get ahead in life. She honestly believes that looking good will get you farther than having brains, and has lived her entire life according to that belief. She has never been employed, ever - so I feel like she doesn't understand the opportunities that come with doing well in school and having a good education. I don't share this perspective, and I would hate for SD to be doing poorly in school and learn to hate it because she's struggling with it so much that she buys into her mom's idea that looks are all that matter. For this reason, though, I feel like it would be up to DH and I to push for SD to be tested/checked/whatever to make sure she's in the best possible environment for her to learn. It's simply not a priority for her mom.

Any ideas? Maybe I just needed to vent. I love my SDs and want the best for them - but I feel like my younger SD isn't on the best possible track.

right1thistime · February 2013

Your SD sounds like she has an issue, but only a thorough exam is going to tell you if its developmental, physical, environmental or parental. Her school should have asked for an early intervention eval.

What type of custody does your DH have? Do they have joint legal custody? Does he have equal standing in her healthcare? Assuming he does, he should contact her pediatrician and unless he is satisfied with the answers he gets, make an appt with the closest Children's hospital to have her evaluated.

Do you have any reason to suspect abusive or abnormal parental behavior? Have you considered Munchausen's by proxy?

I think your concern is legitimate. The child's father is who is responsible for following it up. ~Donna

beautifulmama28 · February 2013

I agree sounds like you def have reason for concern, both for her physical and educational well being.

I think Donnas suggestions are right on the money.

Also my thoughts are...a kid being that tiny and sick a few things come to mind besides what above poster suggested...allergies? or black mold in the house? Is the mother ever sick? or just the daughter? I tend to have a few kids whose ammune systems are worse than others, but 9 times out of ten, if one gets it a few others in the house will too.

I'll be hoping & praying for a resolution so you can help her, that sitch def sounds worrisome.

CA.Giraffe · February 2013

TBH, I'm not sure of DH's custody arrangement, other than the visitation schedule. I'll check with him.

SD's mom...has some health issues, and we're honestly not sure if they're all legitimate or if some are in her head. According to her - she has RA, lupus, MS...she had to have surgery last year because her ovaries had grown into her abdominal wall...she had a stroke last year that left one side of her face paralyzed for awhile. There are a couple other things that don't come to mind at the moment, although she's rarely sick with cold/flu type issues. She's 38. DH has mentioned in the past that when he was married to her, he never had any sick leave available because she was a regular at the ER. More often than not, we do the exchange with her fiance because she's too ill to drive. Actually sad, but sometimes SD will tell us she's nervous Mommy's health issues will happen to her when she's older...

I don't believe SD's mom, or her fiance, are abusive in any way. They've moved twice in two years, so seems unlikely to be a mold problem. Getting her tested for allergies would make sense.

Sue-n-Kevin · February 2013

Wow, sounds like there is a lot going on here, and good for you for wanting to help and recognizing some odd symptoms.

It sounds like 2 distinct problems, her health, and then her inability to learn. I had 2 kids, 7 years apart, and neither was ever sickly, so I'm not much help there.

As far as the education thing goes, while we all have different levels of "normal" development, your youngest SD does sound like she's way behind. I never dealt with this either, because I pushed education for both my kids (now 26 and 18), and they thrived.

However, my husband's kids were never pushed educationally. He was in the Air Force for 22 years, had 3 children with 2 different wives, and two of his kids are over 30, the youngest is now a 20 year old mother of 2 of her own children. Because I only met my husband 6 years ago, I was never in a position to have any meaningful input into their early development.

I will say however that the fact that this youngest SD of yours is so behind, and has a mother who does not value education, only looks, means you and your fiance are in a position to help her a lot at this young age. I'd recommend doing what you can to research his custody situation, and intervene in any way you can. I say this from the perspective that based on what you have described rings very true to what I believe went wrong with my youngest SD, the 20 y/o mother to 2 children. My husband's ex-wife, her Mom, was Korean. He met her in Korea and married her, just as I'm sure she planned. Her jobs have been sporadic, and their daughter struggled in school with learning disabilities (my husband tells me, I was never around to know). They divorced when this youngest SD was about 9, and my husband had custody. It was one of the things about him that I loved, that he was raising his daughter because it was in her best interest to be with him, however, by the time I met him she was 14. My husband and I only spent weekends together until we were married, so whatever I learned about her was when we were together on weekends, and I only saw her 1-2 times a month. She attended school, was not a very good student, but had friends and seemed to be adjusting OK. She was not, however, motivated toward her education. In the rare opportunities I had to talk to her, I always tried to impress upon her the importance of education, but also what being a strong woman was about. I raised my son alone, co-parented with my daughter's dad, and I tried to instill in this SD the importance of education. We'd talk about what she wanted as a career, etc, but she just never seemed to grasp that this was important. I tried diligently but gently to get my now-husband to push her, but he was/is a pretty laid back Dad, who also probably was never pushed to higher learning potential either.

This SD got pregnant in her senior year of high school. She wanted to drop out. My husband absolutely dragged her kicking and screaming through to graduation, telling her that this was critical to her life's success. Luckily she listened and graduated, then had her first daughter a month after graduation. We are now two and half years after that point, and she has a second daughter, different baby-daddy, and that daughter is now 7 months old. This SD has absolutely no ambition. She and her babies live in my husband's former home, which he pays the mortgage on, all utilities, and he's bought her a car hoping she will get a job or go to school. She collects state/federal aid for food, and her daughters are on Medicaid. I have had to be a bystander as this unfortunate situation has developed because this SD doesn't want any advice from me, in her words "You aren't me". So I provide my husband with the words he needs to say to her, things like "You are a role model for your 2 daughters, and unless you get off your butt and do something, they will end up with the life you have".

While I am a private person, I provided you with the information above to give a real life example of what may be at stake with your SD. She has an unmotivated mother, and you and your fiance don't have much input due to distance and limited time with her. While she is past the point of being given a good start with pre-school or pre-K, it is still early enough to grab the situation and make a difference.

You don't really say what your fiance thinks about all this. I'm sure he's a caring father, but how much time can he invest in possible legal battles, health testing and counseling, which I suspect will have to be included in the big picture to get this SD the help she may need? I'd think an entire large picture approach is needed, and you have 4 adults involved: his ex, her fiance, your fiance and you. Plus, it sounds like your older SD may have some good input. The more cooks in the kitchen means opportunities for conflict, but your youngest SD needs some help, and hopefully you are all able to do it without name calling or too much conflict.

The internet is a wonderful tool. Locate state and other resources in the area where they live, or your area. Physical/health testing, whatever else you can find that you think will help resolve her health issues, then the learning issues. School districts are strapped financially these days, but they do have resources to assist with diagnoses and tools to prepare children for the life they are able to lead.

Good luck.

right1thistime · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_advice-on-sd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:606ea2ef-fb90-400e-8f3d-5f4931fd172fPost:fbfc34d9-20fa-4765-9a9f-aca5c7fb89e8">Re: Advice on SD...</a>:
[QUOTE]Some kids are born without much of an immune system for some reason. There's not much you can do about frequent illnesses if she's getting good medical treatment and has been evaluated for underlying causes. The learning issues are a valid concern. I agree about getting her hearing tested. Does your custody agreement cover getting her evaluated and tested? Some private tutoring might help.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Retread, I wholeheartedly disagree with your first statement. I think between genetics, nutrition, environment or disease, there is always a reason for real (versus perceived) immune compromise.

If this 6 yr old fits into typical 4T sizes, then she is between the 5th & 10th percentile in both height & weight. Which means she is proportional, but significantly undersized. If her parents were both small, that might make sense. But OP says they are not, so I think there is something else going on. If looks matter so much to Mom, would she under feed her? And your comments about Mom's frequent seeking medical attention are a red flag to me as well.

This is absolutely your DH's business, and he needs to get on it.

Lisa50 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_advice-on-sd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:606ea2ef-fb90-400e-8f3d-5f4931fd172fPost:3d92d83f-7cc9-48b1-95d9-356798fbd6ad">Re: Advice on SD...</a>:
[QUOTE]Your SD sounds like she has an issue, but only a thorough exam is going to tell you if its developmental, physical, environmental or parental. Her school should have asked for an early intervention eval. What type of custody does your DH have? Do they have joint legal custody? Does he have equal standing in her healthcare? Assuming he does, he should contact her pediatrician and unless he is satisfied with the answers he gets, make an appt with the closest Children's hospital to have her evaluated. Do you have any reason to suspect abusive or abnormal parental behavior? Have you considered Munchausen's by proxy? I think your concern is legitimate. The child's father is who is responsible for following it up. ~Donna
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

What, exactly, has your DH done about his daughter's poor health?

right1thistime · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_advice-on-sd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:606ea2ef-fb90-400e-8f3d-5f4931fd172fPost:be2fcfb9-4f1e-41c2-9a8e-ac73c52bf709">Re: Advice on SD...</a>:
[QUOTE]I hate that "percentile" crap. It's nothing more than statistics. Kids are NOT statistics, and you can't fit every child into a mold. They don't always fit there.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Unless the child were in front of us, we can only respond based on the "typical". Statistics are a mathematical way of defining the typical. I cannot tell if this child is just biologically small any more than you can tell that this child is being nutritionally deprived. It seems to me that you prefer to rely upon anecdotal and personal experience and that I prefer to rely on research, data and analysis. There will be instances where each will lead to a better understanding of the information presented. Frankly, I think it's helpful to present all viewpoints & alternative perspectives to the OP, and to let her consider & apply what she feels is most useful & pertinent.

This is the second time in recent memory that you have referred to infomation i presented, based on data & research- not just blown out my butt, as crap. I understand you disagree. I started the point by telling you that I disagreed with you. But I didn't denigrate your opinion in that disagreement. I find it curious. ~Donna

crumbcake82 · February 2013

Her father should make a written request to the school system to have her tested for a learning disability. This is not the same as being tested for extra services, or a "screener" but for a complete IQ and Achievement Test. It usually has to be a written request or the school will hedge for as long as possible. Most states require schools to do the testing, but you could always look at taking her to psychologist for testing and pay out of pocket for quicker results.

If her mother has an autoimmune system disorder, it's very possible for her to have one as well. Talk to her pediatrician about testing, such as a Celiac's panel, the "ANA" test for lupus, and all that other fun blood work. If he has joint custody there should be no reason why he couldn't take her to a doctor. Again, the insurance may not pay for this testing without enough cause, so it could cost you out of pocket. Several immune system issues don't really show themselves fully until you're in your 20s and 30s, so even with testing you may not find out anything really helpful. Have her tested for allergies.

Another option is that she is learning "sick behaviors" from her mother. Kids have a tendency to model themselves after their parent's behaviors.

jennylee813 · February 2013

Your husband should be able to request testing through the school. I know that here, we require children to have hearing and vision screenings as a part of their overall assessment.

I agree with PPs. The child needs some help, both in addressing her illness and her academics. While she may be a late bloomer and her size could 'catch up', I'd be very concerned with the constant illness. I thought mold too when you were describing her situation, and if they've moved there could be mold in their furniture and belongings ...

The earlier you can help her with her school work, the better off she will be. Keeping her back was probably a wise decision, but the fact that she isn't getting it now does signal that something is amiss.

What's the child's attitude towards school? Does she enjoy it at all, or does her mother's attitude show through at all? Just curious because one of my students has decided that she's stupid and school isn't important. She's given up and doesn't even bother to try. No amount of coaxing on my part will convince her that it's worth it, and there's no support at home.

You guys are on the right track; don't give up on her, but I would expect her mom to get defensive about it all.

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