father/daughter dance

Katiesue04 · May 2012

To be completely honest. I hate my dad with a passion. I could really care less if he walks me down the aisle. He has never been supportive and always puts me down. I literally saved as much money as I could so I could move out when I was out of college so I wouldn't have to deal with him anymore. To be honest I don't know why my parents are together and I don't know why my mom puts up with him. He is very verbally abusive. He is giving us some money for the wedding but FI's parents are matching his contribution. I really don't want to do the father/daughter dance but I know FI wants to do the mother/son dance...what do I do?

CowgirlK39 · May 2012

Don't do it then. We are doing F/D and not M/S because my FI can't stand his mom. Nothing says you have to do it. If he or your mom ask whats going on with that, say you are not comfortable with doing one and leave it at that. Has anyone questioned this yet or are you worried what to do if they do ask?

Katiesue04 · May 2012

No I just thought it might be weird if FI just dances with his mom and I don't dance with my dad even though he is paying for a portion of the wedding. Plus I can see my dad yelling at me now...if I don't get to dance with you I am not paying my part....he did that when he didn't get his way with the food....I stood my ground on that one and my mom yelled at him and told him to stop it.

sparent2010 · May 2012

Why did you take his money if you hate him with a passion? I honestly would give the money back and avoid the headache.

smartlypretty · May 2012

Is there any way you could just not bring up the dances in conversation? Do you think this is something that your Dad would mention? By the time you get to the wedding, it's not like he could do anything about it and everything's already paid for. Kinda sneaky, but oh well.

I'm kinda in the opposite boat. I'm doing a dance with my Dad, but he doesn't know about it yet. He HATES to dance and have attention on him, so I'm afraid he will say no. I'm afraid to ask so this might be a SURPRISE dance. I dunno I"ll figure it out.

jjswin · May 2012

I understand where you coming from but it's hard to say, I don't want to dance with you because I hate you but I will take your money. If I was you I would give back the money and not have to do anything he want's, when you pay you call the shots.

Katiesue04 · May 2012

being 3 months away from the wedding it would be hard to change anything now...I just can't pull 6,000 dollars out of my pocket....just sayin'...I'm also footing most of the bill about 15,000 dollars.

Kello4221 · May 2012

Personally, I wouldn't do an official mother/son dance then. There is nothing stopping your FI from dancing with his mother later, just means that the guests don't have to sit and watch. I think having one without the other is hurtful. Even though your Dad is a jerk I don't think it reflects well on you to purposely exclude him in such a public way, not all of your guests will understand why you're doing it and I think it would just highlight that there is an issue.

CowgirlK39 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_fatherdaughter-dance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:35475b08-7e28-4389-8a12-32ae6f71b74cPost:453cbcec-6a3a-4d35-a0a3-26a2244860b8">Re: father/daughter dance</a>:
[QUOTE]No I just thought it might be weird if FI just dances with his mom and I don't dance with my dad even though he is paying for a portion of the wedding. Plus I can see my dad yelling at me now...<strong>if I don't get to dance with you I am not paying my part</strong>....he did that when he didn't get his way with the food....I stood my ground on that one and my mom yelled at him and told him to stop it.
Posted by Katiesue04[/QUOTE]

I was afraid of this, and was going to ask if this was going to be the case. I also would have refused the money if the relationship is so bad but thats water under the bridge at this point. I would inform him that his $6,000 went to a certain object, like food, decor, etc, and not the DJ or anything that would give him the right to say "I paid for that so you do it!" There is nothing weird about FI dancing with FMIL alone, I assure you. You also said your mom backed you on the food, maybe have a heart to heart with her and have her back you on this as well.

Katiesue04 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_fatherdaughter-dance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:35475b08-7e28-4389-8a12-32ae6f71b74cPost:fdf9f59a-b423-45eb-88ee-5c9ee99b483e">Re: father/daughter dance</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally, I wouldn't do an official mother/son dance then. There is nothing stopping your FI from dancing with his mother later, just means that the guests don't have to sit and watch. I think having one without the other is hurtful. Even though your Dad is a jerk I don't think it reflects well on you to purposely exclude him in such a public way, not all of your guests will understand why you're doing it and I think it would just highlight that there is an issue.
Posted by Kello4221[/QUOTE]

Yes I understand what you are saying. FI's mom doesn't really like to dance at all so maybe we can talk her out of it too! We aren't bringing it up to either of them at all and won't until we have to make the final decision with the DJ about a month before the wedding. Responding to the other post...unfortunately my dad is specificially paying for the food and that is how he managed to say he wanted steak tips and if he didn't get them he wasn't paying his part...he also made a huge deal about getting measured for his tux and isn't doing it until 3 weeks before the wedding...which 2 weeks is the deadline...just causes me more stress every day than what I would like to deal with!

em105 · May 2012

Firstly- GIANT HUG. No matter what happens, it will be okay.

Second: My father is a big old pile of jerk who gave us a small amount for the wedding (enough to cover the DJ)- my FI and I are paying for 90% of the wedding. I do not want him to walk me down the aisle but rather than tell him "you abandoned me and have never been there for me and really don't deserve this," I decided to go with humor and tell him that 1. There is nobody trading chickens or goats for me in the church so I don't need to be 'bartered' to my husband. and 2. Nobody walked Maria down the aisle in the Sound of Music.

We are going to do a Father/Daughter Mother/Son dance, but we're doing it at the same time and we're going to do it to a brief song. Basically, that means I have to spend 2 minutes in close quarters with my father, which (for me) is going to be just about my max.

I'll also have my FI there for moral/emotional support.

Bottom line: you're getting married. Yes, it's your day but I've come to the realization that I'm doing a lot of stuff for other people. I could either be pissy and resentful because my family tree contains a big bucket 'o crazy or just put on my big girl panties and be happy that people will be there with us and I'm able to marry the love of my life. I pick option 2.

Katiesue04 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_fatherdaughter-dance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:35475b08-7e28-4389-8a12-32ae6f71b74cPost:4820d05d-9084-48c2-af4a-1a558cf0722c">Re: father/daughter dance</a>:
[QUOTE]Firstly- GIANT HUG. No matter what happens, it will be okay. Second: My father is a big old pile of jerk who gave us a small amount for the wedding (enough to cover the DJ)- my FI and I are paying for 90% of the wedding. I do not want him to walk me down the aisle but rather than tell him "you abandoned me and have never been there for me and really don't deserve this," I decided to go with humor and tell him that 1. There is nobody trading chickens or goats for me in the church so I don't need to be 'bartered' to my husband. and 2. Nobody walked Maria down the aisle in the Sound of Music. We are going to do a Father/Daughter Mother/Son dance, but we're doing it at the same time and we're going to do it to a brief song. Basically, that means I have to spend 2 minutes in close quarters with my father, which (for me) is going to be just about my max. I'll also have my FI there for moral/emotional support. Bottom line: you're getting married. Yes, it's your day but I've come to the realization that I'm doing a lot of stuff for other people. I could either be pissy and resentful because my family tree contains a big bucket 'o crazy or just put on my big girl panties and be happy that people will be there with us and I'm able to marry the love of my life. I pick option 2.
Posted by em105[/QUOTE]

<div>Thanks Em! Well said!!! I guess we could dance together to the same song! Never thought of that!</div>

squishy17 · May 2012

I completely understand what you are going through. I'm not going to get into my story but I'm not inviting my dad at all to our wedding. Since he is helping pay you at least owe him to tell him why you don't want to do the father daughter dance. Let him know how you feel and let it go from there. If he ends up saying he doesn't want to go or doesn't want to pay then let him know you respect his opinion and he's going to have to live with his choice. Just an opinion! Good luck :

aevachan · June 2012

I'm in an almost idential c=position, except my father is footing nearly the entire bill, as my financial position would only allow for elopement. I wish you the best, and I hope you find a solution without drama.

father/daughter dance

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