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Advice needed

eeyorekseceeyoreksec
First Comment
in New Hampshire
so my MOH and my mom have decided not to have a bridal shower for me, but just a cookout for my fiance and I to celebrate the fact that we are getting married.  We have been engaged for over a year, and this cookout seems more like an engagement party to me.  They said they decided on the cookout so we could invite people that aren't invited to the wedding.  Isn't that tacky?  "Hey come to my cookout, but you aren't invited to the wedding...".  Other issues I have: the cookout is a month before my wedding so there will only be like 15 people who can make it.  Most wedding attendies are not local and it is a lot to ask people to travel to CT then NH within a month. That brings me to my biggest issue:  I have to travel to Connecticut for it.  I am probably being a bridezilla, but if this is for us shouldn't they come to NH?  I know I should be grateful that they are planning something, but I just don't feel like it is a good idea.  Should I tell my that I appreciate the effort, but not to have it?  I have to decide this weekend, because they want to send out the evites...they aren't even sending out real paper invitations...

What should I do????

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Re: Advice needed

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    FireDancer04FireDancer04 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You are right that people shouldn't be invited if they aren't invited to the wedding. 

    However, you should be grateful that they are throwing you a party, there is no etiquette that says they should have to come to you. I will probably be traveling to maine for a shower for me. I don't expect my family to have to come here for a shower and then again for the wedding. 
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    KayAyKayAy
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    edited December 2011
    I agree with PP... It's definitely awkward to invite people who are not invited to the wedding, but traveling to CT shouldn't be that bad. I mean, I'll most likely be having showers or parties in Alabama and Kentucky, where my family and closest friends reside, and I've got to anticipate going (and be willing to go) really out of my way for that.

    And even if not many people can come, it is nice of them to have a gathering for you, whether it's a bridal shower or engagement party or whatever. Granted, if it's all people who aren't invited to the wedding, again, that's awkward.

    Definitely let your MOH and mother know about your concerns. There's a chance that they are considering something you haven't even thought of, or that you'll bring up a point that never crossed their minds. It's worth a conversation.
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    elizabeth918elizabeth918
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    edited December 2011
    I definitely agree with your concerns and the pps about the guest list including people who are not invited to the wedding, I don't think I'd be comfortable with that, but I agree that I have heard of showers taking place in different locations- not just where the bride lives, necessarily.  If it were me, I'd be open and honest to my mother and moh about my concerns, while remaining appreciative and polite. :) Good luck!
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    eeyorekseceeyoreksec
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    thanks for the advice.

    i know i should appreciate the gesture.  i guess i just felt like i shouldn't have to travel to CT since I am always expected to go down there for everything.  Every time I plan something here no one comes. 

    i will talk to my mom.
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    Jillibeans11681Jillibeans11681 member
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    edited December 2011
    It's common etiquette that if you're invited to the shower, you should be invited to the wedding. We didn't have a traditional shower per se, because it isn't what I wanted. We had a couples shower at Margaritas in Nashua and it was a BLAST. We had men and women and served Mexican food and drinks. People could mix and mingle, if they wanted to watch us open gifts they could, if not, they could do whatever they wanted. My cousin did the same last summer, but she had a BBQ. As far as where your shower is, I agree witht he pps that you should be grateful they're throwing you any sort of party. I know for myself and FI, it was truly humbling to experience everyone's generosity. Seeing how many people came out for us it wouldn't have mattered where the shower was ... it was more important to spend time with the people who care about us.
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