Maid with a Question

meggs211 · May 2011

I'm new on the message boards, so bear with me.

I'm a BM in a friends wedding coming up in a month and am really stressing out about all the money associated with it.

I've done preliminary calculations and have figured I'll be spending roughly $1,500+ for an in-town wedding, which includes the dress, jewelry, hair, (I opted out of the $100 makeup application) hosting a bridal shower, bridal shower gift (1/4 the bill of $550 designer shoes), 2 bachelorette parties, spa day, mani/pedi, etc, etc. She is the first of my close friends to get married, so I'm inexperienced at being a BM, but this seems a little excessive to ask a friend to dish out this kind of money.

I continuously ask all the other BMs to be concious of my budget, as I'm planning on going to grad school next year, but they continuously add on additional unecessary costs to the shower (1 of 3) --which is $30/per person at a swanky restaurant and the other BMs keep adding costs like printed menus per guest and goodie bags -- we're planning and the 2 bachelorette parties. I've expressed my concern and that I don't feel comfortable spending this much money, but some of the other BMs are very opinionated and dont' care about racking up credit card debt for this wedding.

Am I then required to buy them a wedding gift? I think the $1500 I'm spending on the overall wedding festivities should cover that, but please let me know if I'm wrong!

Any advice on how to cut my costs any further and not go into debt over this wedding??

HELP!

bethsmiles · May 2011

You are never required to give a gift and you should never go into debt for a wedding (someone else's or your own).

If it were me I would tell the other BMs that they are welcome to spend money on these extra things but they must do it out of their pocket because you can't afford it. Stand your ground and they will probably back down.

ShakeUpTampa · May 2011

That is more than a litlte much. The other BMs cant bully you into going broke and $550 designer shoes for a gift? Who the heck picked that?!?! Jeez..2 bachelorette parties? Seems a bit much as well.

Here is what was asked of mine:
Agree on dress style and shoes, they pay for those
I'm buying their necklaces, making their flowers
They are to pay for their hair if they want, I found a guy that will come to us at a great rate.

They are wanting to do a bridal shower and bachelorette party and my bachelorette will be low key because I want my 17yo sister to be a part of it so no clubs, bars...maybe dinner/drinks/bowling or something

You need to stand your ground as this is not something you should go broke for. Each BM is responsible for being open with the BRIDE and the others in the bridal party to agree on what you are available to do, my girl WANT to make sure if I need help with decor or anything they are there. They are just my bestfriends so when they ask what I am working on, I let them know.

PLEASE I beg of you do not go broke on all this....please

Muffin'sMom · May 2011

That is a ridiculous amount of money. They want you to each pay more than 125 dollars to buy a bride designer shoes? Seriously? That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.

No, you do not have to pony up for all of that. You also don't have to GO to all of those. You do what you can afford without going into debt. You send them a kind and loving reply explaining that these are completely out of the range of what you can afford.

Unfortunately, the only person who can do this is you. It will be hard, and you will probably get blow back for it. Stand your ground. The bride is either your friend, or she is not.

Sometimes people just slay me. If I thought my daughter was pushing an agenda like this, we would be having a LITTLE conversation.

KellyBrian2013 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:744d0653-b516-42c6-8c09-089ee4938144Post:0a5e2f57-6ea9-4824-8244-fb338f36e612">Maid with a Question</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm new on the message boards, so bear with me. I'm a BM in a friends wedding coming up in a month and am really stressing out about all the money associated with it. I've done preliminary calculations and have figured I'll be spending roughly $1,500+ for an in-town wedding, which includes the dress, jewelry, hair, (I opted out of the $100 makeup application) hosting a bridal shower, bridal shower gift (1/4 the bill of $550 designer shoes), 2 bachelorette parties, spa day, mani/pedi, etc, etc. She is the first of my close friends to get married, so I'm inexperienced at being a BM, but this seems a little excessive to ask a friend to dish out this kind of money. I continuously ask all the other BMs to be concious of my budget, as I'm planning on going to grad school next year, but they continuously add on additional unecessary costs to the shower (1 of 3) --which is $30/per person at a swanky restaurant and the other BMs keep adding costs like printed menus per guest and goodie bags -- we're planning and the 2 bachelorette parties. I've expressed my concern and that I don't feel comfortable spending this much money, but some of the other BMs are very opinionated and dont' care about racking up credit card debt for this wedding. Am I then required to buy them a wedding gift? I think the $1500 I'm spending on the overall wedding festivities should cover that, but please let me know if I'm wrong! Any advice on how to cut my costs any further and not go into debt over this wedding?? HELP!
Posted by meggs211[/QUOTE]

Also, please note that etiquette dictates the BRIDE paying for any required shoes, hair, makeup, etc. Your responsibility as a BM is only to purchase the correct dress and show up sober and on time for the ceremony.

If you would like to contribute to other things, that is your perogative, but no one can force you to spend money. They are being incredibly rude for insisting that you spend money you've made clear that you don't have.

Give them a set dollar amount that you are comfortable with and stick to it...

Sorry that the rest of the bridal party (and apparently the bride) are being so demanding!

MairePoppy · May 2011

You are never obligated to buy a wedding gift. And the shower IS a gift, so you weren't required to buy a gift for that either.

This wedding party is really out of control. They should have asked each bm what they were willing to contribute. Then they should have planned the parties with those funds. You are going to have to learn how to say NO. No one can force you to chip in for $550 shoes (OMG!), 2 bachelor parties and a spa day. Tell them how much money you are willing to contribute and be firm about it.

Tell the bride you will do your own nails, hair and makeup. The bride should pay for those, as well as the jewelry if she is requiring them.

covejack · May 2011

"I'm sorry, I can contribute "X" amount. I cannot contribute more, as it's out of my budget". You should not be expected to contribute to things that you did not OFFER to contribute to. You're really only expected to pay for your dress. I think wedding party expenses have grown way out of line. That's why we get tons of posts from brides wondering why their WP is MIA. Don't feel bad, it's not you that's in the wrong.

em01092 · May 2011

Yeah, that is out of control. If the bride wanted you to have hair, make up, and special shoes/accessories, she should pay, not you. All you need to buy is your dress.

Tell the other girls and/or the bride that you cannot afford this hooplah. Like PPs said, tell them your budget and do not waiver. It will suck because they may try to guilt you into it or hassle you about "your share," but you are not obligated to do any of this. Do not let them make you feel like a bad friend for staying within your budget. Tell them they are free to have at it if they insist, but I think that is just SO inconsiderate.

AdeleDazeem · May 2011

Just in case the other ladies didn't nail it home - that's out of control.

Decide what you can spend and stay firm on it. If the bride gets upset that you aren't shelling out MORE money in the name of HER wedding, then she's gone wedding looney.

The only person who is wrong here is her and the other bridesmaids.

I know it's easy to get caught up in wedding mania when it's the first friend to get married. You want to do it all "right." Unfortunately, budgets at that age often don't allow it. As you move along the wedding treadmill to my age, you realize all those material things didn't and won't matter in the end.

Until then - put your foot down about the money. Please!

jerseydevil · May 2011

That is absurd.

Maggie0829 · May 2011

Decide what you can spend on the parties and such and make sure the other BMs know your budget. If they want to add extras without really consulting you then you do not need to help pay for them. Do what you can...that is the most any bride can ask for and should be grateful for.

Oh and IMO, 2 bachelorette parties is a bit much. Do you have to do the spa day and mani/pedi? Usually those types of activities are voluntary not mandatory.

phunluvin82 · May 2011

Yes, that amount of money is ridiculous. No, you are not obligated to buy a wedding gift on top of what you are already spending. I would suggest a nice card with a thoughtful message to the bride and groom, and leave it at that.

As for the other expenses, as all the PP said, give the other BM's a budget and be firm that you can't spend any more. To go one step further, write a check for the amount that you are comfortable spending and give it to the BM in charge or making all these ludicrously expensive plans with a note saying, "Here's my portion of what I said I am able to contribute." Then, you can play the 'I already paid my portion...I can't afford all these extras, sorry!' card.

They may not be so spend happy once they receive such a concrete message from you that you WON'T be throwing any more of your $$ in the pot. They may diss you for it and, I'm not gonna lie, it could get very catty and ugly with them...but that only shows you their true colors. On the other hand, maybe they didn't fully realize the pressure they were putting you under, and maybe they will take it in stride and work out any additional budget issues amongst themselves.

Good luck with it!

StacyJenniges · May 2011

All I can say is "WOW". I have requested my bridesmaids to buy a dress that was between $120-$150 depending on which dress they wanted to get. I requested black dress shoes, any size and style so they can wear shoes they already own.
I will make an appointment for their hair if they want it will be on them however but it is not required. Since it is out of town they may have to rent a $66 a night hotel room, however I am trying to find enough space for them to stay at my folk's house, my sister's house, or God willing my folk's old house if it doesn't sell by October. Oh and I am going to borrow my sister's camper for added sleeping space.

I would never be able to spend $1500 on someone elses wedding nor would I . I would say put your foot down, you shouldn't have to spend more than $500 all together (Gifts, BP, Shower, eta). but that is a little steep I think. I'm not sure how much I spent in total for all of the weddings I was in but I know I didn't spend over $1000 on any of them.

Good Luck, and I'm sorry that you are feeling financially strapped by your friends wedding.

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