But my problem is utterly humiliating and, frankly, I care too much about what people think of me to let you all know who I am. Maybe I need to swallow my pride and not be so secretive but atm my ego is badly bruised & I just need some advice. I can't talk to any of my friends or family about the issue, so I'm hoping you can all help me out...
Here is the abridged version:
FI and I are super busy- he works crazy hours (usually gone most of the week) and I am a busy student with a part time job and tons of academic commitments. That combined with wedding planning, house searching, and multiple family issues makes for very little "intimate" time for the two of us. We haven't had sex in months (We tried once a few weeks ago and it was literally so terrible that we just stopped. That has never happened before!)
Most of the time, I understand that this is because we are exhausted, he isn't home, our schedules are opposite, etc. But when we DO have the opportunity for some alone time, he would rather watch TV or surf the internet. Our quality time consists of us sitting together on the couch with our computers in our laps. If I do try to initiate something, I usually get turned down, so I stopped trying. Now if it was just his pure exhaustion that was causing this, I would be able to tolerate it. But he seems to avoid sex even when we have a day off together. So today I'm feeling all hormonal and ugly, and start to question his faithfulness.... so I did the unthinkable and (GASP!) snooped in his facebook and e-mail. I already feel a teensy bit guilty for that. I found emails to and from an adult site that he has been paying for (for several months).
Now if it had been something he just took advantage of while we were apart, I would have no problem with it. But from what I've seen, he's been looking at porn on the SAME days that he's been turning me down! WTF?! Now I'm not suggesting that he has a creepy porn addiction or anything- it's really not all that frequent (that I know of, at least). But I'm just wondering why he would rather look at girls on a computer screen than me. He will literally look at porn an hour after turning me down. Maybe it bothers me more than it should but it seriously is tearing me up- I literally feel sick. I'm an attractive person, and I'm always willing to try new things and be fun in bed. If it was boring, vanilla all the time then I could understand too-- But the only reason our sex life is boring is because he never wants to do it!!
I'm trying not to overreact (and call me out if I am, please)... But it has literally been months! And I keep thinking, is this what marriage is going to be like?? I love my fiance, but this is not a life I am okay with. Things aren't going to get any less busy anytime soon. And I can't shake the feeling that he has been talking/flirting with someone else... maybe he just did a good job of hiding the evidence. Ugh. I just want to cry...
ETA: Spelling and grammar errors