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Future MIL HELP!!! LONG SORRY

PigTeachingEngPigTeachingEng
10 Comments
in Moms and Maids
So....Long story short (if I can be) . 

My FI and I have been dating for 6 years and In October got engaged.  Ever since we started dating my future MIL has eluded to the fact that she would like grandchildren (when people are talking about their grandkids) then she would look straight at me.  I know she is doing this because she wants grandkids and my FI's older brother (12 years older to be exact...my FI was not expected to say the least) has still has yet to bring someone around,  I know she likes me BUT this is the thing I have a "problem with"....On Monday I picked out a dress (which was JUST my mother and I involved with that process) BUT talked to my MIL and she said "Well...I want to be there for fittings and when you pick the bridesmaids dresses out"  My feelings are this why should she be there...she isn't buying the dresses for the girls and to be honest I think it is strange.  I would like to tell her something that wouldn't be appropiate about the situation but am not and will bit my tongue.  BUT I also will be trying to arrange for 5 girls other than me to find time to go shopping for dresses....I am not going to try to arrange something JUST so she can be there too....I don't know but need some tactful ways to tell her she shouldn't be there for the fitting or the shopping of the bridesmaids/MOH dresses.  She doesn't have a reason to be there in my opinion.  I think she should be as shocked how I look in my dress as my FI does when they see me!

PLEASE HELP!!!!!
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Re: Future MIL HELP!!! LONG SORRY

  • hlq2011hlq2011
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    A lot of people know what my dress looks like, so I don't get the need to surprise someone with it, other than FI... but that aside, just tell her that you want it to be a surprise.

    Personally, I think it's nice your FMIL wants to be involved.  It doesn't sound, from your post, that she's trying to control the decisions, but that she wants to be a part of it.  If I'm wrong, then disregard this.

    On the BM dress issue... don't expect that you'll be able to get all your girls together, but if you want to shop with them, get as many on the same page as you can, and tell your FMIL when you're going.  If she can't make it, she can't.  Your girls' schedules should be priority.

    And none of that has anything to do with the grandkids thing.  On that issue, and if she keeps pushing on the dress and BM dress issues, get your FI involved.  It's his mother, and he should be able to tell her to back off.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Hey! You asked the same question on the Chit Chat board. If you're going to cross post, put an XP at the beginning of the post, please.

    Shopping for the wedding dress is a traditional mother/daughter thing. I get that part and see nothing wrong with you wanting to make that a special time for you and your mom.

    But it would be a nice gesture on your part if you would include her in some of the girlie things, like one of your dress fittings. You could also show her some pictures of the bm dresses, if it is too logistically difficult to include her.

    Keep in mind that your FMIL is the woman who raised the man that you love. And you will be sharing holidays with her for a very long time. And she will be the grandmother of your children, if you have them. Including her in your plans, could go a long way toward creating good will between you. And if she doesn't have any daughters, this is probably very exciting for her.

    If her comments about wanting grandchildren really bother you so much, your Fi should tell her that she will be among the first to know about any impending grandchildren. In the meantime, the subject is not up for discussion.
                       
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    My answer from the CC board:

    Just ask her to a fitting.  You're being overdramatic here about wanting her to be "shocked" at how you look in your dress.  I've been MOG, and as soon as my darling DIL picked up her dress, she drove straight to my house to model it for me.  I was very touched that she'd do that.  And I assure you that it didn't at all take away from seeing her on wedding day as she walked down the aisle.

    And just for future reference:  your FMIL doesn't Elude about you having children, she ALLudes about having grandchildren.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Ditto PPs--the whole "I want everyone to be surprised by my dress!" is something that you're overly-romaticizing.  It's a wedding dress--it's only going to look so different from everyone else's.  Let your MIL see your dress.  To not let her is kind of sending the message, "VIPs only get to see the dress at this point, and you're not one of them."  Even if she does decide to describe it to your FI, I guarantee he'll have no idea what she's talking about and not be able to picture what it looks like.  I told my DH that my dress had "a sweetheart neckline, dropped waist, rouching (sp?), and an A-line skirt."  I might as well have been speaking a foreign language--he had no clue what I was talking about.

    Would it really be so bad to let her come BM dress shopping?  My mom came with us and it was hilarious--everyone had fun.  What are you worried will happen?  Don't forget this woman will be your family soon--start treating her like it.
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mil-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c7975c29-7123-4c12-b799-3a260628ea85Post:19ded5e1-c0cc-44c9-9853-aa31760fa6fc">Future MIL HELP!!! LONG SORRY</a>:
    [QUOTE]So....Long story short (if I can be) .  My FI and I have been dating for 6 years and In October got engaged.  Ever since we started dating my future MIL has eluded to the fact that she would like grandchildren (when people are talking about their grandkids) then she would look straight at me.  I know she is doing this because she wants grandkids and my FI's older brother (12 years older to be exact...my FI was not expected to say the least) has still has yet to bring someone around,  I know she likes me BUT this is the thing I have a "problem with"....On Monday I picked out a dress (which was JUST my mother and I involved with that process) BUT talked to my MIL and she said "Well...I want to be there for fittings and when you pick the bridesmaids dresses out"  My feelings are this why should she be there...she isn't buying the dresses for the girls and to be honest I think it is strange.  I would like to tell her something that wouldn't be appropiate about the situation but am not and will bit my tongue.  BUT I also will be trying to arrange for 5 girls other than me to find time to go shopping for dresses....I am not going to try to arrange something JUST so she can be there too....I don't know but need some tactful ways to tell her she shouldn't be there for the fitting or the shopping of the bridesmaids/MOH dresses.  She doesn't have a reason to be there in my opinion.  I think she should be as shocked how I look in my dress as my FI does when they see me! PLEASE HELP!!!!!
    Posted by PigTeachingEng[/QUOTE]
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
    Report Reply
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    10000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I answered you on the Chit Chat board.
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  • Jennifer&NateJennifer&Nate
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Many women on these boards would love to have a FMIL who wants to be supportive and involved but not dominating. Enjoy it! I plan on asking my FMIL to a dress fitting or two. I think it's a sweet way to start a good mother/daughter-in-law relationship.
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  • courtney1188courtney1188 member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You're definitely giving off the impression that you don't like your FMIL, but you really don't have a reason not to. She is going to be your family, what harm does it do for her to watch you or your BMs try your dresses on?

    It sounds like you're trying to create a problem where there isn't one.
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  • lilcasserslilcassers member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    That is weird. Sounds like my FMIL... needs to be involved in everything. I would just go do it without her knowing and when she asks why she wasn't invited just say that all the girls had such ridiculous schedules that you thought it would just be easier to go with the flow of when they could all go and then say maybe it was a last minute thing or something.

    Not sure this made sense, lol but I would just do it and let her find out and then act oblivious about it.

    You can disinclude her in tactful ways while still being respectful.
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mil-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c7975c29-7123-4c12-b799-3a260628ea85Post:cff7338d-4d9e-40d1-b82b-6c2adfd520c6">Re: Future MIL HELP!!! LONG SORRY</a>:
    [QUOTE]That is weird. Sounds like my FMIL... needs to be involved in everything. I would just go do it without her knowing and when she asks why she wasn't invited just say that all the girls had such ridiculous schedules that you thought it would just be easier to go with the flow of when they could all go and then say maybe it was a last minute thing or something. Not sure this made sense, lol but I would just do it and let her find out and then act oblivious about it. You can disinclude her in tactful ways while still being respectful.
    Posted by lilcassers[/QUOTE]

    Yes, because lying to someone, particularly someone who is going to be your family is always a good idea.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • joiner521joiner521
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    She needs to but out. She sounds controlling.
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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mil-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c7975c29-7123-4c12-b799-3a260628ea85Post:b5e3dc60-7b93-4440-a64c-372d0d0a71f8">Re: Future MIL HELP!!! LONG SORRY</a>:
    [QUOTE]She needs to but out. She sounds controlling.
    Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]
    Nothing the MIL is saying or doing is <strong>remotely</strong> controlling.  She just wants to be involved.  Don't forget her kid is getting married too and she seems to want a relationship with her FDIL.  OP is overreacting.
    Courtesy of megk8oz
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
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  • courtney1188courtney1188 member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mil-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c7975c29-7123-4c12-b799-3a260628ea85Post:b5e3dc60-7b93-4440-a64c-372d0d0a71f8">Re: Future MIL HELP!!! LONG SORRY</a>:
    [QUOTE]She needs to but out. She sounds controlling.
    Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]

    Her FMIL has not given any input on what kind of dresses the bride or bridesmaids should wear. She's hasn't been super picky about when they should pick them out or where they should come from. She just wants to see them try their dresses on. How on earth is that controlling?

    Going through and looking at your other posts...do you just go through posts, see what kind of opinion PP have had, and then post the opposite opinion in 1-2 sentences that make little to no sense? Because it is a pattern I seem to be noticing in your posts.
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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mil-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c7975c29-7123-4c12-b799-3a260628ea85Post:5bb297d9-4d6f-45b5-b467-d8117d0a8138">Re: Future MIL HELP!!! LONG SORRY</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future MIL HELP!!! LONG SORRY : Her FMIL has not given any input on what kind of dresses the bride or bridesmaids should wear. She's hasn't been super picky about when they should pick them out or where they should come from. She just wants to see them try their dresses on. How on earth is that controlling? Going through and looking at your other posts...<strong>do you just go through posts, see what kind of opinion PP have had, and then post the opposite opinion in 1-2 sentences that make little to no sense? Because it is a pattern I seem to be noticing in your posts.</strong>
    Posted by courtney1188[/QUOTE]
    Probably a troll if that's her MO.
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
    Report Reply
  • courtney1188courtney1188 member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mil-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c7975c29-7123-4c12-b799-3a260628ea85Post:0a4562c5-ac9b-476d-b2cd-fe2c321a8523">Re: Future MIL HELP!!! LONG SORRY</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future MIL HELP!!! LONG SORRY : Probably a troll if that's her MO.
    Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

    That's what I originally thought too, but there are enough posts mixed in with details about her own wedding that actually make sense, so I'm afraid not.
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  • kellyb1487kellyb1487
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    If all your girls want to go dress shopping together, then schedule the day around them and then extend the invite to yuor FMIL. If she can go, fine (she doesn't sound over bearing) and if she can't then oh well. Do you plan on bringin your mom to go BM dress shopping? If so you def need to invite your FMIL

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  • squeakyducksqueakyduck member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Does your FMIL have any daughters? Because if not, maybe she just wants to go wedding dress shopping too. 
    My FMIL only has boys so I invited her dress shopping and to the fittings because it's fun and she doesn't get to do the girly things otherwise. 
    Just invite her. You don't have to plan the outing around her, but if she wants to be there she will arrange her schedule around it. 
    Also- she's going to be in your family for a long time. It's not a bad idea to be nice and include her. 
    And everyone wants grandkids. When she says something just say that you want to enjoy being married first. 
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  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mil-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c7975c29-7123-4c12-b799-3a260628ea85Post:0f2edf4e-2bdf-4cb2-b4e8-356f417c0be7">Re: Future MIL HELP!!! LONG SORRY</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future MIL HELP!!! LONG SORRY : That's what I originally thought too, but there are enough posts mixed in with details about her own wedding that actually make sense, so I'm afraid not.
    Posted by courtney1188[/QUOTE]

    Joiner is sadly not a troll, I fear.  She's just clueless, self-involved, and has horrible advice.

    I don't think I've seen a post of hers yet that doesn't make me cringe.  It's especially annoying when she resurrects posts from 3 months ago to add, "Yeah totally!  Ur the bride - its about what u want".

    I think she'd be a good contestant for Bridezillas.

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  • lalap69lalap69 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I already shared pictures of me in my dress with FMIL.  (I would have taken her to see the dress, but she lives in a different city so it just didn't make sense.)  I don't understand what the big deal is.  Is not seeing you in your dress really a hill you want to die on?
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  • julichrisjulichris
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    i completely understand the grandbaby thing! its stressful trying to get a wedding together and everyone is talking about the next step when all your intentions are is to get through the wedding.
    My FMIL and i have had lots of ups and downs that were over more serious things than this. However i did invite her to look at dresses and she was there.
    Your very lucky she expresses interest in all of this. its 4 months til and my FMIL hasnt shopped (to my knowledge) for her dress.
    Enjoy it and put it to use because you definitely will need support through this
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