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ASHLEY2528 · July 2012

Maggie0829 · July 2012

First, breathe.

Your FMIL does not have to help you plan your wedding, especially if she is not contributing financially to it. It sounds like you have tried to involve her which is nice of you but it doesn't sound like she is that into it, which is perfectly fine. So if I were you I would stop trying to hard.

That is amazing that your FMIL and FFIL have offered to not only pay for the RD but for your HM as well. But what you need to remember is that money comes with strings so even though it is your and your FI HM, they are paying for it so they get a huge say as to where they want you to go. If you don't want their opinion or have them say no to your dream HM then I suggest you and your FI pay for it themselves.

As far as your wedding date goes, you need to pick a date that works for you and your FI. It is nice to try and fit it around others schedules but a single date won't be perfect for everyone no matter how hard you try to make it.

Why does it matter if she stays at the same hotel or gets her hair and makeup done?

You cannot dictate what your FMIL is going to wear to your wedding. She is an adult and can choose whatever she wants. If she looks ridiculous it will be on her not you and I seriously doubt whatever she wears will upstage you.

Finally, if you don't like to hear her opinions then don't talk to her about your wedding. If she doesn't know what you are planning then she can't comment on it.

I think the biggest issue is that your FI is not standing up to his parents. He shouldn't be letting them control when and how the wedding will take place, your FI should always be on your side because you are going to be his wife. He is an adult and needs to act like it. Your FI needs to grow a pair and cut the cord.

cbradeis · July 2012

1. I know this isn't really what your post was about but you really need to have a chat with your fiance about this. Continually being persuaded (way too easily I might add) by his parents is not a great way to start off a marriage. This is the beginning of the rest of your lives together and husband and wife... and he needs to understand that you, as his wife, trump all others, including his Mom. So get that out of the way with him, that's the most important off the issues I'm seeing in your post.

2. Yes, your MIL is being a major pain. But don't exacerbate the issue by constantly inviting her to events/appointments that she clearly doesn't want to participate in. Basically, if she is driving you crazy, limit your exposure to her - don't be your own worst enemy.

3. If they pay, they DO get a say... I don't think that means they have the right to control every decision, including the destination for your honeymoon. I think you worked out a great solution, they contribute $X and you pay anything in addition if you really want to go to Paris. When it comes to the rehearsal dinner, I think that's one component of the wedding where you should relinquish some control.

4. Her guest list - your fiance needs to handle that one... "Mom, I need your list by X date, otherwise we will not be able to accomodate/invite your guests."

5. I didn't look at the dress, but you know what... who cares. It's what she wants, let her wear it. If she looks like a fool, so be it.. no one is going to be saying "I can't believe ASHLEY let her MIL wear that!" The onus isn't on you on this one so let it go.

Good luck with the rest of planning! It is stressful but learn to let certain things roll off your back AND pick the right battles (i.e. the honeymoon - good job!)

artbyallie · July 2012

1. That dress is not a ball gown.

2. Your FMIL can wear whatever she wants. It will not reflect on you.

3. If they're paying for the HM, they do get to choose what destination they're paying for.

4. You have a fiancé problem much more than a MIL problem. He's supposed to be on your side, not hers.

mcskatcat · July 2012

I think you really need to take a step back here. She is being a little difficult, yes, but it sounds like so are you.

First off, stop inviting her to things if she has clearly shown a disinterest in them. She doesn't have to go to everything. She isn't planning her wedding, so why should she?

With the guest list, just give her a firm date of when you need names and addresses by. Since your parents are paying, you can also give her a number. She is contributing some to the wedding via the RD and honeymoon, so figure out a fair amount of guests for his side. Have your FI make it clear that if she doesn't get names and addys to you by then, those people will not be invited.

As far as the honeymoon goes, maybe tell them that you appreciate their offer but since you really had have your heart set on Paris, what if you contribute to it as well? If they're offering a cruise, odds are it's because that's what they can afford to contribute. Duh. Pay for your own honeymoon if it's going to cause a problem, or take what they offer.

And to be totally honest, I didn't think that dress was that bad. It's a tasteful shade of gold - not gold lame, for example - and it looks close to most of the MOB/MOG dresses I've seen. Let it go. She should be happy and comfortable with what she's wearing that day. And if anyone else - besides you - thinks it's inappropriate, then they will be judging her, not you.

MairePoppy · July 2012

It was very generous of your FMIL to offer to pay for the RD AND honeymoon. Keep in mind that if she is paying for the RD, that makes her the host. She will get to decide on the location, guest list and all the little details. She may ask your opinion, but will not be obligated to defer to it. If you don't want the cruise honeymoon, then you should turn down her offer and tell her you are saving up for the Paris honeymoon of your dreams. She may or may not offer you money toward that, but don't count on it until she hands you the money. You might consider accepting the cruise, now, and saving up for the Paris trip.

Your FMIL gets to wear whatever she likes to your wedding. The long sequined gown is flashy, but your FMIL is very excited about her dress. It would be mean of you to criticize her choice. Just be glad she didn't choose a long white dress with a train.

I'm glad you feel better after venting. Do you drink? I think you should pour yourself a nice big glass of wine and forget about all this petty stuff. In the end, you and your Fi will make the decisions that concern you, your FMIL will make the decisions that concern her and her wallet.

Maggie0829 · July 2012

I guess none of us told the OP what she wanted hear.

LittleMissCutiePie · July 2012

Dirty Delete (DD): A very rude and immature way to deal with mean posters (re: honest people just trying to help).

vlaughead · July 2012

That's a shame that the post was deleted. Everyone offered great advice. I'm not sure what post said, but based on reading everyone's comments ashley2528's FMIL is wearing a sequin dress? Is that right? The post was DD before I can even read it.

My nana is wearing a beautiful black/silver sequin jacket to my wedding, and she is going to shine. For 90 years old, she has a lot of style and confidence.

I'm so lucky to have a grandparent make it to this age and attend our wedding. She is so excited and keeps talking about it. Also, I'm honored to get my picture taken with my nana and both of us will sparkle.

Maggie0829 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_please-excuse-me-but-i-need-to-vent-mil-problems-lol?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4bcbf0f-9214-4cdc-9379-4a5c44bb27adPost:cd1d66c5-1702-40e8-8f9b-c228cbdcbaa5">Re: ,</a>:
[QUOTE]That's a shame that the post was deleted. Everyone offered great advice. I'm not sure what post said, but based on reading everyone's comments ashley2528's FMIL is wearing a sequin dress? Is that right? The post was DD before I can even read it. My nana is wearing a beautiful black/silver sequin jacket to my wedding, and she is going to shine. For 90 years old, she has a lot of style and confidence. I'm so lucky to have a grandparent make it to this age and attend our wedding. She is so excited and keeps talking about it. Also, I'm honored to get my picture taken with my nana and both of us will sparkle.
Posted by vlaughead[/QUOTE]

Basically, OP is trying to involve FMIL in wedding planning, but then gets upset when FMIL voices her opinions. Also FI has yet to cut the cord from FMIL and FMIL is using this to get her way with things. OP is also upset because FMIL and FFIL are trying to dictate where they go on their HM but FMIL and FFIL are footing the bill so they get a huge say. OP is additionaly upset because she thinks FMIL is only worried about herself and making herself the center of attention that day by getting her hair and makeup done and wearing a flashy dress.

All in all, she is overreacting because, besides just being a pain FMIL really hasn't done anything wrong (it is really FI that needs to cut the cord and grow a pair) and since none of us agreed with her or validated her concerns then she DD's and ran off.

vlaughead · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_please-excuse-me-but-i-need-to-vent-mil-problems-lol?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4bcbf0f-9214-4cdc-9379-4a5c44bb27adPost:f818ff96-381e-4e3f-b756-ccceeb1b35a1">Re: ,</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: , : Basically, OP is trying to involve FMIL in wedding planning, but then gets upset when FMIL voices her opinions. Also FI has yet to cut the cord from FMIL and FMIL is using this to get her way with things. OP is also upset because FMIL and FFIL are trying to dictate where they go on their HM but FMIL and FFIL are footing the bill so they get a huge say. OP is additionaly upset because she thinks FMIL is only worried about herself and making herself the center of attention that day by getting her hair and makeup done and wearing a flashy dress. All in all, she is overreacting because, besides just being a pain FMIL really hasn't done anything wrong (it is really FI that needs to cut the cord and grow a pair) and since none of us agreed with her or validated her concerns then she DD's and ran off.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh okay. Now, I understand what's going on. Thank you for summing up for me. <div>
</div><div>I wish people left their posts up, so all of us can learn from each other. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" /></div><div>
</div><div>By the way, I love your dress, and you and your husband look so happy together. (I just have one more month left.)</div></div>

kellyjohnson527 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_please-excuse-me-but-i-need-to-vent-mil-problems-lol?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4bcbf0f-9214-4cdc-9379-4a5c44bb27adPost:886bbba6-37a3-407e-a506-ff60a26a5059">Re: ,</a>:
[QUOTE]Other people's money always comes with strings attached. This is a gift, so either graciously accept what is offered, or decline.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

If it were only that easy to just decline the offer....people get offended either way.

I wish I got to read the OP!

,

Re: ,

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