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To host or not to host

prettygirl70810prettygirl70810
10 Comments
in Pre-wedding Parties
My friends (many of whom are in my bridal party ) asked to host our engagement party. I asked them to include my fiance's sister in the planning because she is also a part of the bridal party and since she doesn't know many of my friends I thought it would be a good ice-breaker. BIG mistake!! She has convinced my fiance that the engagement party is supposed to be done by the bride's parents so he is now wanting us to host it ourselves. Isn't that in poor taste? And how do I handle this?
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Re: To host or not to host

  • cebrady89cebrady89 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_host-not-host?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:e2d92c91-14cd-4c92-8a20-4a18f74a7469Post:1b34b792-4546-43fb-bf01-2d98441eb034">Re: To host or not to host</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Forget about having an engagement party. </strong>Sorry, but you started this when you suggested to your first set of hosts that someone else be included as a hostess. That's an insult to them. Your FSIL is wrong.  Engagement parties can be hosted by anyone except the couple.  It would be terribly presumptuous to ask your parents to host one. Drop out of the planning, and accept the party other people offer.  If they don't at this point, be gracious and move on.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>??</div><div>I totally disagree with you, RetreadBride.</div><div>
    </div><div>OP, I see no reason for you not to have an engagement party. People have offered to throw one for you, and I think it was nice of you to ask that your FSIL be included - but it is their choice to include her or not.</div><div>
    </div><div>She is wrong about who can host, but I think you ought to tell her and the hosts so, and then let tem take care of planning. If FSIL doesn't want to be involved, that's fine. Your others hosts can still throw you a party. </div><div>
    </div><div>If they don't want to, you can certainly ask your parents if they'd be interested in hosting - don't necessarily ask them to or assume that they will, but see if they are interested. Maybe they'd like to, but knew that other people had offered? I cannot understand how people think it's presumptious to ask your parents to be involved in any pre-wedding parties. They're your parents, after all.</div><div>
    </div><div>I would not host your own engagement party, however.

    </div>
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  • Haven63Haven63
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I have nothing but sympathy on this subect, since my Matron of honour wants to throw us an engagement party/shower, that we would have to pay for!

    OP, I think you were being kind to ask that she be included in the planning, and I think your kindness was repayed with nastiness. Sorry you are having to go through this.

    Best of luck!!
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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Your FSIL kinda screwed you, but hosting your own engagement party isn't the way to go.

    It was nice of you to try to get your FSIL involved, but for the future, take this as a lesson learned lol.

    If your friends still want to throw you an engagement party, great. If they've already dropped the idea, let it go completely and try focusing on your wedding, instead of the preparties.
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  • waltzingmatilda13waltzingmatilda13 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Sorry, but you really shouldn't have gotten involved when someone offered to do something nice for you. If you want to save this you need to go back to your original hosts and tell them how deeply sorry you are for intruding and explain that if they don't want to host now you understand. That may mean that they cancel the whole thing, but I think you've learned a valuable lesson here. An e-party is a nice gift, not a privilege, and you really overstepped your bounds by pushing another host onto them. 

    Do not in any way, shape or form throw your own e-party. It's terribly rude to host a party in your own honor. Don't ask your parents to host it either. Unfortunately you may have not have an e-party now, but they aren't required so don't get too upset if you miss out. 

    If you still want a party, have a BBQ or casual party at your house, just don't call it an e-party and don't involve your wedding in any way. Then you can host and people will congratulate you as they see you, but you won't be breaking any etiquette rules because it will be a party FOR your friends and family, not FOR you. 
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  • prettygirl70810prettygirl70810
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011

    NO.... to be clear....what I did was attempt to include my FSIL in something that everyone else was planning so that they could all get to know one another. I was NOT putting anyone in charge of someone else's function. She would have not been able to offer because she did not know them and they could not include her because they don't know her.

    I NEVER said to anyone that I wanted anyone else to be in charge of ANYTHING. You should really read for understanding as opposed to running off half-cocked.

    YOU are really rude and if anyone has been married to YOU for 40 years I feel sorry for him!!!

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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_host-not-host?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:e2d92c91-14cd-4c92-8a20-4a18f74a7469Post:000757e7-3d0a-4eef-a581-8977d04e5dfa">Re: To host or not to host</a>:
    [QUOTE]NO.... to be clear....what I did was attempt to include my FSIL in something that everyone else was planning so that they could all get to know one another. I was NOT putting anyone in charge of someone else's function. She would have not been able to offer because she did not know them and they could not include her because they don't know her. I NEVER said to anyone that I wanted anyone else to be in charge of ANYTHING. You should really read for understanding as opposed to running off half-cocked. YOU are really rude and<strong> if anyone has been married to YOU for 40 years I feel sorry for him!!!</strong>
    Posted by prettygirl70810[/QUOTE]
    Oy!

    Okay, let's not fight... The enemy is your FSIL. She convinced your FI of something that isn't true.
    Are your friends still willing to throw this party? Or is that option out of the question now?
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  • prettygirl70810prettygirl70810
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My friends are still wanting to host a party so there is no issue there.
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  • cebrady89cebrady89 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Everyone needs to chill out about these ridiculous notions of parties being incredibly generous gifts and privileges. Yes, they are gifts and true, they are not a right, but it's okay to discuss them with your family and friends! If you'd like a party, and you'd like your families to meet one another and celebrate your engagement - bring it up to someone. I see no harm in that. Demanding is one thing - discussing, another.
    People on The Knot tend to freak out about these sorts of etiquette issues when I am SURE that they don't adhere so strictly to the rules as they might have us believe.
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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_host-not-host?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:e2d92c91-14cd-4c92-8a20-4a18f74a7469Post:8351b5d3-c46f-4283-aa62-4a9b43fe959a">Re: To host or not to host</a>:
    [QUOTE]My friends are still wanting to host a party so there is no issue there.
    Posted by prettygirl70810[/QUOTE]
    Then I would just go that route. And if your FSIL doesn't want to participate, she doesn't have to lol.
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