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Roll of parents of the bride

janebuxjanebux
in Second Weddings
This is the second marriage for our 30 year old daughter. First marriage for her 41 year old fiance. He wants the big wedding and he and our daughter have agreed to split the costs.
Because he is older his mother is in her mid 70's and has he not had a father since he was two. His mother is, apparently, not able to afford to contribute anything financially. We can and would if asked.
My questions are: What is the role of the parents of the bride in this situation? Are we just guests? Is it still appropriate for the father to speak and toast at the wedding? Walk his daughter down the aisle? 
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Re: Roll of parents of the bride

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    mma3mma3
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think it is fine for the father to walk her down and do a toast.  I would feel a little weird asking my parents for anything other than that though.  I am in my early 30's and is a second marriage for us.  We decided what type of wedding we wanted and about how much it would cost and then set our date so we could have time to save the money.
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    nmauser82nmauser82 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You are still her parents regardless of how many times she has been married. That roll doesn't change. He can still walk her down the aisle and give a toast if he wants too.

    Personally as a second time bride, I felt too awkward to ask my parents to pay for the wedding. My mom offered to help anyway which was really nice. So if you want to offer to help out with some portion then go right ahead but I wouldn't expect to be asked.

    There really is no difference between a first wedding and a second wedding. It is what you want it to be. The only difference is that sometimes a second time brides gets to do things more her way than the first time. The first time they get bogged down with tradition and what everyone expects of them. This time they are a little bit more free to make their own choices.
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    BeeBee22BeeBee22 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    People, the word is ROLE.
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    nmauser82nmauser82 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    BeeBee22 there is no need to be RUDE.
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    2dBride2dBride member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Basically, your role is whatever the couple wants it to be.  They can choose to have him (or both of you) walk her down the aisle, give speeches and toasts, etc.  Or they can invite you to fulfill some other roles, or just invite you as guests.

    As far as finances go, the couple should not ask you for money, but you can offer it if you like.  However, your role in the wedding does not depend on your making a financial contribution.
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    Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    edited December 2011
    As far as finances go, the couple should not ask you for money, but you can offer it if you like.  However, your role in the wedding does not depend on your making a financial contribution

    I agree with this. My fiance & I are paying for everying except the $1000 my parents paid for the venue. I asked, and that's ALL I asked for knowing they are retirees. It's my first wedding. I'm putting money aside as I can, as is my fiance.

    How the wedding or ceremony goes is up to you. For second weddings, there really are no rules any longer. Do what feels right to all of you.

    Good luck.
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    right1thistimeright1thistime member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    This conversation is best held with the bride to be and her groom.  Let THEM know that you would happily contribute, and that you wish to follow their lead in how much you participate in the event.  They may be honored at your offer, or may have decided to forego some of the items you wish to participate in.  The kindest, most supportive gesture would be to simply ask them how they would like you to participate.  Your generous offer of financial support is best given without strings attached--but the saying typically goes: he that pays gets some say.  ~Donna
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    SueR13SueR13 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My parents, in their 80s, were simply guests. I preferred to have my son walk me down the aisle so didn't have my father do that, but had I not had an adult son, who knows what I would have decided.

    My parents are in their 80s. We never even thought to ask them for any financial help. But they did give us a very generous gift.

    I'd let your daughter and her fiance set the tone for what they want your roles to be.
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    BeeBee22BeeBee22 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_roll-of-parents-of-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:f52e173e-63ed-42fb-bda6-fada4ac32eaePost:bc246742-2fee-44bc-9639-bd749a0183d5">Re: Roll of parents of the bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]BeeBee22 there is no need to be RUDE.
    Posted by nmauser82[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I wasn't being rude. Two people had misspelled (or mis-used) a common word. Rather than let them continue to make the mistake in the presence of people who might ridicule them or think less of their educational level, I corrected it in an anonymous forum so they know for future reference.</div><div>
    </div><div>I capitalized the correct spelling not to shout, but to clarify. It's an FYI, not a judgement.

    </div>
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    Sloane99Sloane99 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My Dad walked me down the aisle and both sets of our parents offered to contribute financially as well, both fathers did speeches. We intended to pay for it ourselves and never would have asked, so if you want to help with the money I would offer because odds are your daughter won't ask.

    In terms of everyone's roles, that's up to the bride and groom, some people have very specific ideas of what they want, or how far along the traditional-modern spectrum they want to be at. It's worth a conversation with them to find out how they feel about it, as I don't really think it's you place to decide what roles you'll have in their wedding.
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    MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    BeeBee22 I live with two grammar perfectionists and even they know better than to correct people on board postings.  The best way to correct a grammatical error is with a private message not a public declaration.  By making a public statement you've embarrassed the person who made the error and opened yourself up to criticism.

    To the MOB I agree with previous posters that this is a conversation that would be best held with the couple.  Most couples in this situation plan on paying for everything themselves.  Your roles as parents are to be there for your daughter as always and to celebrate their love and union with them - ask them what they would like.
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    thealphabridethealphabride
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well stated Angie.
    To Jane:
    How wonderful that you are so supportive of your daughter's second marriage.
    I agree with right1thistime. The best way to find out is to simply ask the bride and groom if/how you will be included.
    Second time brides many times do things differently. Of course the best thing you can do is offer your support, (not the financial kind) which you have done.
    If she has children. she may want to include them in some manner. She may choose to walk down the isle with her groom, one of her children, her father or alone.
    Best of luck Jane, and congratulations on your daughter's engagement.
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    AbbeyS2011AbbeyS2011 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
         I agree with PPs.  Sit down with your daughter and FSIL, ask them how you can help with the wedding.  Keep an open mind if/when they share their plans - they may have some ideas you would not expect.

         Being a second time bride, I personally will not ask my parents for help financially, but I would be thrilled if they offered and would gladly accept.  You may just something like "We would like to contribute to your wedding - here is X to put towards whatever you want."

         Wonderful to see you supporting your daughter!
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    Britt1406Britt1406 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_roll-of-parents-of-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:f52e173e-63ed-42fb-bda6-fada4ac32eaePost:a5a090e3-b03e-4d29-9611-3f86d49dee05">Re: Role of parents of the bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]Basically, your role is whatever the couple wants it to be.  They can choose to have him (or both of you) walk her down the aisle, give speeches and toasts, etc.  Or they can invite you to fulfill some other roles, or just invite you as guests. As far as finances go, the couple should not ask you for money, but you can offer it if you like.  However, your role in the wedding does not depend on your making a financial contribution.
    Posted by 2dBride[/QUOTE]

    Ditto this!
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