bridal party woes :

msaustin22 · November 2012

So my wedding is 4 months away I started off with 6 bridesmaids now...only have 2! Not because I'm a bridezilla either lol. To make a long story short we picked a dress in may and me being the thoughtful bride gave the bridesmaid until october to come up with the 90 dollars deposit when october came I set a date for the dress fittings got in contact with all the bridesmaids and NONE of them came through. Now my problem is I have 2 that did come through and the bridal shop cannot take anymore orders past thanksgiving as it takes 3 months for the dresses to come in and its too late to add any other bm. What should I do :[

rsanna · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:244d184c-2ec7-4c18-8c1b-df48b6579889Post:0bd68e52-b112-409b-a3f5-040b4b8ad77f">bridal party woes :</a>:
[QUOTE]So my wedding is 4 months away I started off with 6 bridesmaids now...only have 2! Not because I'm a bridezilla either lol. To make a long story short we picked a dress in may and me being the thoughtful bride gave the bridesmaid until october to come up with the 90 dollars deposit when october came I set a date for the dress fittings got in contact with all the bridesmaids and NONE of them came through. Now my problem is I have 2 that did come through and the bridal shop cannot take anymore orders past thanksgiving as it takes 3 months for the dresses to come in and its too late to add any other bm. What should I do :[
Posted by msaustin22[/QUOTE]

Are you sure the BMs could actually afford the $90? Did you talk to them about their budgets? I know that seems silly, since that it could be a lot more. But maybe they didn't have the funds.

Anyway, you need to figure out if it is that important for you to have all 6 of those ladies standing up next to you. You can try and find the same dresses online (ebay, classifieds, etc.) or you can let them pick different dresses that are in the same color/fabric as your original and they can wear that. Or you can see if they can still order them. I've heard stories of dresses coming in sooner than 3 months, so have them see what the shop says when they try and order it.

If you aren't comfortable with any of those things. Then unfortunately, it looks like your BMs decided to take themselves out of the wedding for not getting the dress and would rather be guests. Tell everyone one last time the absolute drop dead date to order the dresses and let it go from there. Don't replace anyone. These are friends not barbies for you to place dress up with.

Jen4948 · November 2012

I'd let the other four bridesmaids know that because the store cannot take any more orders after Thanksgiving, they have until then to put down deposits and get fittings if they want that particular dress.

I'm not sure I agree with the PP that you should assume that they are taking themselves out of the wedding party if they don't get that dress. I've seen it stated a lot that you can't kick someone out of your wedding party unless they do something really over the top without risking your friendship with them, and not ordering a bridesmaid's dress on time might not cut it. You might have to just let them choose their own dresses and not go for the matching look.

Peledreamsofrain · November 2012

Your next move is up to you. If you absolutely can't imagine your wedding without them, find an alternative dress for them. Nonmatching bridesmaids are in style right now. If you care more about matching, or feel those who did come through wil feel the above solution is unfair, then you don't do anything. They removed themselves from the wedding.

msaustin22 · November 2012

Everyone was fine with the price when we picked them out I never would have picked anything that was too much for them the problem I started havin was none of them were returning my phone calls or emails and I'm definently not the pushy type so I just assumed they weren't interested. Which in the end proved true for 4 of them. Who still to this day aren't returning my calls

Lisa50 · November 2012

Make sure everyone knows the drop dead date (can't tell if it's passed already) for deposits and, if you do not want attendants who are not wearing the chosen date, let them know that too. You cannot make someone buy a dress they don't want, or cannot afford, to buy.

In the end, you'll probably find that 2 bridesmaids will be wonderful! Try not to worry.

rsanna · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:244d184c-2ec7-4c18-8c1b-df48b6579889Post:333aa61e-3d41-4cbf-84ac-45fc9b9fe9d9">Re: bridal party woes :</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd let the other four bridesmaids know that because the store cannot take any more orders after Thanksgiving, they have until then to put down deposits and get fittings if they want that particular dress. I'm not sure I agree with the PP that you should assume that they are taking themselves out of the wedding party if they don't get that dress. I've seen it stated a lot that you can't kick someone out of your wedding party unless they do something really over the top without risking your friendship with them, and not ordering a bridesmaid's dress on time might not cut it. You might have to just let them choose their own dresses and not go for the matching look.
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

<div>Seriously, did you read my post? I said the exact same thing as you. And I never said the OP should kick her bridesmaids out. We say all the time at all the BMs have to do is buy the dress and show up to the wedding. If they don't get the dress by X date, they aren't in the wedding (unless OP is willing to let them pick their own dresses). That isn't kicking anyone out. </div>

Summer2011Bride · November 2012

When you say they were fine with the price, did you privately ask each girl ahead of time, "What is your budget for dresses?"

Or did you say to the group as a whole when you find this dress you loved: "Is a $90 deposit OK with you all?" If it was this type of situation, then no, I don't think they all were OK with it or could afford it, but felt awkward/embarrassed/whatever to say so in front of the group and they also didn't want to let you down. In that case, I'd find a different dress. Is a $90 deposit on a dress really worth having them not in your wedding and possibly damaging your friendship with them?

I mean yes, technically, if they don't get the dress in time they've chosen to not be in it, but I am thinking of all my BMs right now, and I could just not imagine putting a dress over anyone of them. At the absolute very least I would talk to each girl privately to see what was going on.

Jen4948 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:244d184c-2ec7-4c18-8c1b-df48b6579889Post:427faaa8-7373-44a8-bc45-b13c5307267f">Re: bridal party woes :</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: bridal party woes : : Seriously, did you read my post? I said the exact same thing as you. And I never said the OP should kick her bridesmaids out. We say all the time at all the BMs have to do is buy the dress and show up to the wedding. If they don't get the dress by X date, they aren't in the wedding (unless OP is willing to let them pick their own dresses). That isn't kicking anyone out.
Posted by rsanna[/QUOTE]

I think that assuming the bridesmaids aren't going to be in the wedding party without their specific say-so is "kicking them out" whether you said it or not, so whether I read your post is not relevant. They might still show up without the dress but expecting to be bridesmaids.

rsanna · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:244d184c-2ec7-4c18-8c1b-df48b6579889Post:e6a80907-e15b-4046-9006-758660d9931a">Re: bridal party woes :</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: bridal party woes : : I think that assuming the bridesmaids aren't going to be in the wedding party without their specific say-so is "kicking them out" whether you said it or not, so whether I read your post is not relevant. <strong>They might still show up without the dress but expecting to be bridesmaids.</strong>
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

<div>So then you are saying a bridesmaid doesn't have to do anything? She can show up naked or pajamas or something and just because she was asked, refused to get a dress she is still a bridesmaid. All one needs to do is get a dress and show up, if they don't do that they are taking themselves out of the wedding. That is like not showing up for work for a week, and then expecting that you still have a job. </div><div>
</div><div>And inserting words into my mouth, kind of means you do need to read my post. Because I did not say that the OP should kick her BMs out. I don't understand why you insist on twisting my words. Before even mentioning that the BMs may be taking themselves out of the wedding (which is what happens when you don't get the dress), I gave the various options of finding the dress used online, or having them pick out their own dresses and not worrying about them matching. Which, um, everyone else here has reiterated that if they don't get the dress and the OP doesn't want non-matching dresses or whatever, that they have taken themselves out of the wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>ETA: I'm not saying I would do that, because my friends are more important to me than that. But obviously it is important to the OP, otherwise she wouldn't be making arbitary dates and coming on here posting about it.</div>

Ajuliana · November 2012

In Response to Re: bridal party woes ::
Don't replace anyone. These are friends not barbies for you to place dress up with.

This made me laugh. Thanks. Also...my bridesmaids LOVE dress up. But they are all my sisters.

Peledreamsofrain · November 2012

I'm generally pretty easygoing when it comes to the 'duties' of a Bridesmaid. To me, all they need to do is buy the dress, show up, and behave in a non-embarrassing manner at the wedding.

But part of that IS buying the dress. And that isn't expecting too much, it's literally part of the role.. If a girl fails at that most basic part of being a bridesmaid (barring circumstances outside of her control), then she's shown that it's possible she can't do the other two things. And quite frankly, I don't want someone that flaky and/or lazy up there with me.

That doesn't mean they're 'barbies', that's an extreme statement that should be reserved for brides that come on here complaining about girls who don't all pay for their makeup, nails, and a seriously expensive dress they weren't consulted about.

Jen4948 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:244d184c-2ec7-4c18-8c1b-df48b6579889Post:2c366a9a-2261-438f-b30d-9f34f7c93507">Re: bridal party woes :</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm generally pretty easygoing when it comes to the 'duties' of a Bridesmaid. To me, all they need to do is buy the dress, show up, and behave in a non-embarrassing manner at the wedding. But part of that IS buying the dress. And that isn't expecting too much, it's literally part of the role.. If a girl fails at that most basic part of being a bridesmaid (barring circumstances outside of her control), then she's shown that it's possible she can't do the other two things. And quite frankly, I don't want someone that flaky and/or lazy up there with me. That doesn't mean they're 'barbies', that's an extreme statement that should be reserved for brides that come on here complaining about girls who don't all pay for their makeup, nails, and a seriously expensive dress they weren't consulted about.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

In general, I agree with you. But, we've said in lots of other places in this forum that you can't kick a bridesmaid out of your wedding party without risking the friendship. Certainly someone who's agreed to be a bridesmaid does indeed need to buy the dress or have it made, but just because they haven't done so by a specified date and haven't specifically said that they're not going to seems to me to not really be specific enough, because you never know. They still might do it and show up in the dress, and all the confusion could lead to lots of problems. So I think there needs to be very specific communication about whether a bridesmaid is dropping out or not in order to avoid that situation. When there isn't, I'm still not 100% sure that they've dropped out of the wedding party unless the wedding comes and goes and they have not shown up at all. They might prefer to just be a guest, but I think they need to say so and not have the bride just decide that for them based on what they're not wearing.

HandBanana · November 2012

They could have ordered it elsewhere (RKBridal anyone?) They still have four months. I also agree that a $90 deposit so far out seems outrageous. My BM dresses were significantly less than that deposit even.

BizWiz4 · November 2012

I don't know the circumstances at hand in OP circumstance exactly, but my girls have ordered their dresses for my April wedding (with exception of one- who will order Thursday when she comes in town! :)). I was so afraid of having a "horror story" dress shipping that I wanted to ensure they had plenty of time to receive the dress as well as get necessary alterations.

I also PAID for all of their dresses, so I doubt it made a difference when they ordered them except for my peace of mind!

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:244d184c-2ec7-4c18-8c1b-df48b6579889Post:fee48ecd-83c7-4a58-8c0e-bcdb9c3b0034">Re:bridal party woes :</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, sorry, but setting arbitrary order and deposit dates IS pretty bridezillaish. I have never in my life ordered a BM dress more than 90 days out from the wedding, and it's usually closer to 8weeks out unless it is custom made, or a summer wedding when shops are busier closer to time. So even if I okayed the price of the dress, that would not necessarily mean I could make a 90 dollar deposit 6 months out.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

bkendall13 · November 2012

I definitely agree that if someone in your bridal party decides not to pay for their outfit then they are probably not interested in being in the bridal party. Especially if the price was communicated with each of them well before the due date. My fiance and I are potentialy going to have a similar issue with 2 of the groomsmen. I don't see an alternative other than paying for the dresses yourself, which to me is unfair since they agreed to the responsibilities of being a bridesmaid (which includes buying the dress). If someone has a better alternative I would love to hear it, because I am in a similar predicament.

bkendall13 · November 2012

The predicament we are in is two of the groomsmen have not started saving up for the tuxes that we told them about several months ago(that they agreed to). They both have a history of blowing off things to the last minute and expecting other people to pay their way. The tuxes are about $150 and I know they won't have the money at the last minute to pay for them. I was just wondering if someone had a good way to approach this subject or motivate them to get on track. It's up to my fiance but he doesn't know what to do either.

bkendall13 · November 2012

Thanks RetreadBride. My fiance and I deliberated and we think that we might be a bit premature on losing faith in the two groomsmen being able to save up. We were being judgmental rather than giving the benefit of the doubt. I hope they follow through and will be able to stand beside us on our wedding day. If not then I'm sure 2 of my bridesmaids won't mind walking together. Thanks for the salient advice.

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