Lack of Engagement Party

Snow__White__Queen · May 2010

Due to the fact that I will begin college in the fall and the whole "Bible Belt" mentality, I know for a fact that I will not be receivng an engagement party. I have been engaged since Christmas of '09 and I don't feel that I should not have a party just because of my young age. No one in my family has taken it seriously and I feel that I shouldn't be denied something that is part of the whole marriage concept to begin with. Any suggestions please?

WGaches · May 2010

If you want a party, throw a party - at your own expense. It would be rude to ask or assume anyone will host a party in your honor; however, if you decide to host your own party, you need to be clear that this is not a gift-giving event. Throwing your own gift-giving party is beyond rude.

WGaches · May 2010

oh, and I forgot to add this: engagement parties are not "part of the whole wedding concept". Most people from my area DON'T have them, nor do most knotties. All you have to have for a wedding is an offiiant, a groom, and a license. You don't even have to have a ring.

Snow__White__Queen · May 2010

Haha yes it would be. Thank you very much for your input.

Muffin'sMom · May 2010

Entitled to an engagement party? Because it is part of the process? Seriously? It is something that close friends or family can give to for you if they feel moved to do so but it is not automatic or an absolute part of the process. Sorry.....

amdjelly · May 2010

Your marriage won't be any less valid without an engagement party. I didn't have one, but I'm pretty sure my pastor will still sign my marriage license.

banana468 · May 2010

Engagement parties aren't part of the "whole experience".

Whippet8 · May 2010

i didnt have an engagement party and i didnt feel like I was missing out...

trix1223 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_lack-of-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:b42284ad-2503-4269-907d-c40e7e929015Post:a62cbbc4-638d-4ed4-8158-a19a2e65ee1f">Lack of Engagement Party</a>:
[QUOTE]Due to the fact that I will begin college in the fall and the whole "Bible Belt" mentality, I know for a fact that I will not be receivng an engagement party. I have been engaged since Christmas of '09 and I don't feel that I should not have a party just because of my young age. No one in my family has taken it seriously and I feel that I shouldn't be denied something that is part of the whole marriage concept to begin with. Any suggestions please?
Posted by Snow__White__Queen[/QUOTE]

I don't know a single person IRL who had an engagement party. I know a whole giant bunch of married people. They are most certainly married.

The e-party isn't even on the radar screen of a "marriage concept".

Put your time into preparing for marriage, and less about preparing for pre-wedding parties. One is important, the other isn't. Can you guess which is which?

Snow__White__Queen · May 2010

OK sorry to get on everyone's bad side. WHat I meant by "part of the concept" was that it is part of this experience and one of the activities people participate in. I know that I can still legally get married without one, however I feel that I should take in all there is to offer, especially since (in my mind at least) I only intend on going through this once. So excuse me if I spoke out of context.

AdeleDazeem · May 2010

It's okay, Snow... People are just trying to tell you that:

1. You can't throw your own engagement party. Someone needs to offer to throw it for you (of their own free will - not because you asked them to)

2. If no one offers, then not having an engagement party is just fine. Most people who responded said how they didn't have one nor did most people that they know.

Enjoy being engaged and looking forward to the wedding. The wedding is the only part of the "whole experience" that is necessary. Showers, engagement parties, etc. are all gifts from other people and should be viewed that way. Some people get them, some people don't. Don't dwell on what everyone else is doing/not doing for you and just be happy about this time in your life.

banana468 · May 2010

Ditto Joy.

1 - One doesn't throw a party in honor of herself EVER while being appropriate.

2 - Engagement parties just aren't that common. DH and I have been to tons of weddings and to date, we've attended four engagement parties. An engagement party isn't "part of the experience."

You're allowed to be a bit sad if someone doesn't offer to throw one but you're an adult now. Part of being an adult is understanding that you can't always get what you want and dealing with it.

[Deleted User] · May 2010

We didn't have one either, no big deal. I would say if you want one, throw it yourself.

banana468 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_lack-of-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:b42284ad-2503-4269-907d-c40e7e929015Post:f70e3a87-f701-405d-9fa5-fe0b1f2b3166">Re: Lack of Engagement Party</a>:
[QUOTE]We didn't have one either, no big deal. I would say if you want one, throw it yourself.
Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

NO. Don't throw any party in honor of yourself.

Ever.

jeanna85 · May 2010

i would find an engagement party for a couple with a 4 1/2 year engagement to be a little odd. it sounds like since you're leaving for college in the fall, that you're 17 or 18, maybe no one offered an e-party because they don't know where your relationship will be going since you're so young. relax, not having an engagement party doesnt make you any less married in the long run.

SpyCGee · May 2010

YES. Throw a party in honor of yourself. It might be pretentious but you should do whatever makes you happy!

You probably have young friends who don't know any better.

banana468 · May 2010

[QUOTE]YES. Throw a party in honor of yourself. It might be pretentious but you should do whatever makes you happy![/QUOTE]

This is terrible advice - not just regarding weddings but for life in general.

Whippet8 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_lack-of-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:b42284ad-2503-4269-907d-c40e7e929015Post:70e6eaf2-81cd-49f2-8ac4-106787dab907">Re: Lack of Engagement Party</a>:
[QUOTE]YES. Throw a party in honor of yourself. It might be pretentious but you should do whatever makes you happy! You probably have young friends who don't know any better.
Posted by SpyCGee[/QUOTE]

Only if you want to come across as completely rude, selfish and immature.

duckie1905 · May 2010

You marriage won't be any less valid without an engagement party. We didn't have one and I'm pretty sure our marriage cert is still valid.

ashleyhurt86 · May 2010

Don't feel too bad I don't get an engagement party or shower because no one takes my wedding seriously either...

kblynne · May 2010

I had an engagement party at the beginning of my fiance's and my two year engagement (hmm or maybe 4 months in after we picked the wedding party). It was hosted by my mother as a means for our families to meet and to introduce the bridal party (we each have bridal party members from our respective hometowns and college, so no one knew everyone). It was a blast! My fiance is in a wedding in August and they hosted their own engagement party as a means for guests and wedding party to get to know each other. They simply asked guests not to bring gifts. The invitations never said "Engagement party," that's just what I perceived it as. I see nothing wrong with hosting a party and inviting your family and close friends. You don't have to call it an engagement party; just have a dinner or BBQ and say you wanted to celebrate the beginning of merging your families and friends, or host a party in honor of your family and your friends who have supported your relationship. Everyone in my social circle and family has engagement parties, and I think it makes for a great way to introduce everyone so that later on the shower and wedding are even more fun!

goetzr19 · May 2010

What is the problem with throwing your own engagement party? My FI and threw our own party as a get together with our family to celebrate our engagement and the fact that he came back from serving in Iraq. Only a few people gave gifts (those who adamantly do even if the invite says anything about no gifts). Snow, if you want to throw your own party, DO IT!!! I agree that you should state about no-gifts, as it would be rude to expect it of the guests. If you want an engagement party, then by all means, have one!

banana468 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_lack-of-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:b42284ad-2503-4269-907d-c40e7e929015Post:3e35edb0-93c7-4db0-8eaa-d8eacde9df7b">Re: Lack of Engagement Party</a>:
[QUOTE]What is the problem with throwing your own engagement party? My FI and threw our own party as a get together with our family to celebrate our engagement and the fact that he came back from serving in Iraq. Only a few people gave gifts (those who adamantly do even if the invite says anything about no gifts). Snow, if you want to throw your own party, DO IT!!! I agree that you should state about no-gifts, as it would be rude to expect it of the guests. If you want an engagement party, then by all means, have one!
Posted by goetzr19[/QUOTE]

NO.

It's not appropriate to throw any party in honor of yourself. It has NOTHING to do with gifts and everything to do with not throwing a party as an AW. That's just inappropriate just as it would be to throw your own birthday party.

Mapuche · May 2010

I'm not sure I totally agree with the idea that throwing yourself an engagement party is rude and inappropriate as some have suggested. Making such a bold statement is the equivalent of saying or making the assumption that if you're parents can't pay for the wedding that you shouldn't pay for it yourself because its rude and inappropriate. With that thinking only parents or family members could throw weddings, and as we all know couples are opting to host (ie PAY) for weddings now. Times are different and things have changed, the old rules obviously don't apply anymore.

Sometimes people don't offer to throw an engagement party because they don't know they can. If you want an engagement party by all means have one, if it makes you happy just do it! I think you'll be surprised how many people will be happy to attend especially if it means getting to know others who will attend the wedding later on.

banana468 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_lack-of-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:b42284ad-2503-4269-907d-c40e7e929015Post:7e6ad836-d309-4560-b4e0-7798778daf60">Re: Lack of Engagement Party</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not sure I totally agree with the idea that throwing yourself an engagement party is rude and inappropriate as some have suggested. Making such a bold statement is the equivalent of saying or making the assumption that if you're parents can't pay for the wedding that you shouldn't pay for it yourself because its rude and inappropriate. With that thinking only parents or family members could throw weddings, and as we all know couples are opting to host (ie PAY) for weddings now. Times are different and things have changed, the old rules obviously don't apply anymore. Sometimes people don't offer to throw an engagement party because they don't know they can. If you want an engagement party by all means have one, if it makes you happy just do it! I think you'll be surprised how many people will be happy to attend especially if it means getting to know others who will attend the wedding later on.
Posted by Mapuche[/QUOTE]

Mapuche, your logic is completely, utterly, and totally incorrect.

The engagment party is thrown in honor of the couple. It's to announce their engagement to friends and family members and sometimes to introduce families to one another. The bottom line though is that it's FOR the couple.

This has absolutely NOTHING to do whatsoever with the wedding reception and the financing of it. The wedding reception is FOR the guests. Yes, traditionally the bride's parents paid for the reception but if the couple pay for it, ultimately, it's still the same result - it's a party for the guests and it's where the hosts receive the guests, thank them for attending the wedding and provide food and refreshment as a thank you to all who attended the wedding. It's not a party in honor of the couple despite some believing that it is.

So bringing it back to the engagment party - it's not and never has been appropriate to throw your own engagement party or any party in honor of yourself. We bend the rules on a few things but a wedding is not the time to throw etiquette to the wind.

Mapuche · May 2010

Banana, I'm afraid you've missed the totally point of my post. If you reread it - perhaps slowly this time- you'll see I NEVER said an engagement party was about financing or about the reception. I merely pointed out that making the incredibly bold statement that it is rude to throw yourself an party whether its an engagement or birthday party is the same logic as saying you can't throw yourself a wedding.

Now the idea that a wedding is about the guest to thank them for coming, although perhaps true at some point (read: well before any of us were alive) is obviously not the case anymore. I've been to a LOT of weddings and I have NEVER been to a wedding where the reception is all about the guests, if it were the couple would spend all their time thanking them rather than being showered with the love an attention of the guests. If the progression of women in our society has taught us anything its to not be bound by traditional ways of thinking, and that the idea or concepts of absolutes as you suggest are just socially created barriers that should be and eventually will be broken. I'm sure at some point two people has this very discussion about a couple hosting their own wedding and clearly we as a society have moved past that inappropriate way of thinking.

So again Snow White, if you want to throw yourself an engagement party and let your friends and family all meet before the wedding by all means just do it. I can't imagine anyone not going because its "inappropriate" because you threw it yourself, and if they do its unlikely you'd want them there anyway.

banana468 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_lack-of-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:b42284ad-2503-4269-907d-c40e7e929015Post:388daca5-1324-4e68-a931-e401c3dd0e9f">Re: Lack of Engagement Party</a>:
[QUOTE]Banana, I'm afraid you've missed the totally point of my post. If you reread it - perhaps slowly this time- you'll see I NEVER said an engagement party was about financing or about the reception. I merely pointed out that making the incredibly bold statement that it is rude to throw yourself an party whether its an engagement or birthday party is the same logic as saying you can't throw yourself a wedding. Now the idea that a wedding is about the guest to thank them for coming, although perhaps true at some point (read: well before any of us were alive) is obviously not the case anymore. I've been to a LOT of weddings and I have NEVER been to a wedding where the reception is all about the guests, if it were the couple would spend all their time thanking them rather than being showered with the love an attention of the guests. If the progression of women in our society has taught us anything its to not be bound by traditional ways of thinking, and that the idea or concepts of absolutes as you suggest are just socially created barriers that should be and eventually will be broken. I'm sure at some point two people has this very discussion about a couple hosting their own wedding and clearly we as a society have moved past that inappropriate way of thinking. So again Snow White, if you want to throw yourself an engagement party and let your friends and family all meet before the wedding by all means just do it. I can't imagine anyone not going because its "inappropriate" because you threw it yourself, and if they do its unlikely you'd want them there anyway.
Posted by Mapuche[/QUOTE]

Mapuche, I stand by the statement which, is not based on an outdated custom. It's based on current proper etiquette.

So keep the snarling rhetoric to yourself and re-read what I said above.

It's not inappropriate for a couple to host the wedding reception because the event is FOR the guests.

It IS in appropriate to host an engagement party because it's in honor of the couple.

I never said people shouldn't attend because a couple did something inappropriate.

However if a person wants to know what she can do, appropriately she cannot and should not ever throw ANY function in honor of herself. When it comes to a wedding, that means one never throws his/her own engagement party, shower, bachelorette party or any other pre-wedding event.

Is that a bit more clear now?

nicoleflores2005 · May 2010

I don't think it's a big deal to host your own e-party as long as you let guests know that gifts are not expected, and treat it as a day to share your good news with your loved ones. I understand the ettiquette rules do not allow a bride and groom to throw a party in their own honor, but c'mon. It's not like she's throwing herself a bridal shower.

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