Wedding Party

BM's bow out because of dress

This will be a little long to give some background. When I started looking for bridesmaid dresses I asked my bridesmaids for a budget. They told me that they would pay for whatever I picked (but nothing outrageous like over $300.) I told them all to search for dress options so that we could get something they liked and at a reasonable price. The only one who did look was Lucy. The dress she found was at a reasonable price, but the color I wanted wasn't available. I picked a $130 dress at a local salon, but Lucy is tall (and not the smallest BM) so the knee length hemline and short slit in the back came up way to high on Lucy, so that was out. There are four months to my wedding date and we still didn't have a dress. I went to another salon with three other BM's and I picked a dress that I thought would look great on everybody (even Lucy.) The dress was $158 with a $92 downpayment to order the dress. To be sure that we would have the dresses by mid-March 2013, the dresses had to be ordered by yesterday (December 28, 2012) and no later. I didn't want to ask people to spend that much money so soon after Christmas, but I did the best I could with what little time I had left. I knew there would be a possibility that someone wouldn't be able to afford it. Unfortunately for Lucy, because of her size and additional alterations, her dress was going to cost about $80 more than the other BM's. Later in the evening Lucy called (she was crying and very upset) and told me that she could not afford the dress and had to back out. I told her that I understood. FI and I decided that we could pay the additional cost of Lucy's dress. But when I called her that night she never answered. FI and I have called her about 10 times since then and she never answered. On Christmas day she sent FI a text message that said, "Thank you for giving me some time. I'm ready to listen if you're ready to talk." We didn't know what that meant, but we told her to call us ASAP. She's still never called.
Also another BM, Hayley, told me that she couldn't afford the downpayment and wanted to know if I could put the downpayment up for her to order it. I told her that I didn't think I could afford it (didn't tell her about wanting to pay for Lucy's additional cost). Hayley asked, "Well do I have to wear the same dress as everyone else?" I told her that she had to wear the same dress as the other bridesmaids, and that I understood if she didn't thnk she could afford it and had to back out. Hayley told me that she was angry and couldn't talk to me anymore that night. I don't understand why Hayley is mad. I've called Hayley three times since and she still hasn't called me back.
I feel like I did the best I could with what little time I had left. I asked my BM's what their budget was. And for more than four months I asked them to find affordable dresses that they liked. I feel like they at least owe it to me to actually talk to me after I've been trying to get in touch with them. I'm not angry that they won't be able to be BM's. And we were going to pay for Lucy's additional costs, but now I've decided otherwise.
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Re: BM's bow out because of dress

  • edited December 2012
    Ugh. It's rough. There is so much that should have been handled differently. 

    As the bride you should have given them options months ago, not told however many women to find something together. You don't say if they're friends too, or not, but how awkward. You're the bride (ie project manager). Plus, how do they really know what you want.

    Then, how upsetting to not be able to be in a friend's wedding over the cost of the dress. Your friendship meant alot (otherwise you wouldn't have chosen these ladies and they wouldn't have agreed to it). Money is a huge huge consideration and this is YOUR day, not theirs. You can justify a splurge maybe, but they told you upfront they couldn't.

    If you value these friendships, I think you have major damage control / clean-up to do. 

    Are you just writing these friends off now? Do you want them back in your life?

    I can understand why Hayley didn't want to speak to you. You basically told her that the specific dress was more important to you than her being in your wedding supporting you. That'll sting for awhile.

    I think in this situation you're the one who has to eat crow. I would figure out a way to pay for each of those girls dresses. That's my best advice.

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • Jessa617 Jessa617 member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2012
    What they said.... Also, would you be opposed to each girl choosing their own dress but with color and length guidelines? Identical bridesmaids is the least of your worries.
    Anniversary
  • mlg78mlg78 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2012
    I completely agree with previous comments.  I think you need to get on David's Bridals website and find something under $100 pronto and hope that things can get worked out with these girls and cancel the other order.  These dresses are not worth the friendships being lost, in my opinion.  Before even asking my four girls I had 3-4 dresses in mind, all very similar and ranging in price from $79 to $99 and they've been relieved to hear of the pricing.  Being in a wedding is insanely expensive for a bridesmaid/MOH and I think these expenses, which can most definitely be controlled, should be managed so friendships aren't lost.  Good luck mending these fences but as it's been stated -- they're YOUR fences to mend.
  • libby2483libby2483 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b3aa0186-2f2b-4071-ac0f-38364df6be09Post:5c0c2bee-7a2c-48c0-9151-906c06d1a6f0">Re: BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hayley felt like you were putting the priority on the dress, which you were when you said that you'd understand if she had to back out. <strong>And Lucy, poor Lucy.  She probably needs styles that work with her body type.  She found a style that would work, and you priorized colour over how she would feel.</strong> If two of your WP are dropping out because of the dress, then it seems like you may be handling the dress issue wrongly.
    Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

    <div>I may be misreading or confused, but OP said that she specifically eliminated one dress and found another because the first dress didn't work on Lucy.  I don't see where she chose a dress based on color that didn't work for Lucy over a dress that did work for Lucy.  It actually sounds like she made an effort to find a dress that would look good on Lucy.</div><div>
    </div><div>Edit: I now see where she says that early on.  However, I think that having a specific color in mind for the dresses isn't unreasonable.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b3aa0186-2f2b-4071-ac0f-38364df6be09Post:9da25493-2ab6-4231-a2f6-6ba5bc2b4cff">Re:BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]What they said.... Also, would you be opposed to each girl choosing their own dress but with color and length guidelines? Identical bridesmaids is the least of your worries.
    Posted by Jessalyn2013[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>That was why I asked them to look for dresses in the first place. I wanted them to all wear the same color scheme and look at different dresses so that they would chose ones that they could afford and that they would like. And I wanted to get the dresses picked out months ago. The only one who did was Lucy. She knew the color scheme I wanted. But by the time she showed me the dress the color that I wanted was completely sold out (they were on clearance.) Because I couldn't get the BM's moving to find their dresses, I had to choose.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b3aa0186-2f2b-4071-ac0f-38364df6be09Post:06832db6-e57d-44ee-a355-fced1af2aa23">Re: BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]I understand why Lucy is upset. She did her best to work with you.  <strong>She found a dress within her budget</strong> and went to try it on.  You repaid her by picking a dress will cost well over her planned budget, <strong>and of a different style than she had so carefully researched</strong>. She feels slapped down and ignored, despite doing what you asked.  <strong>You are waiting for HER to call YOU????</strong> Hon, the burden of mending fences is (rightfully) your responsibility, not hers.  Do a better job reaching out. Hayley told you she couldn't afford it. You made the dress more important than having your friend next to you.  I give her less sympathy than Lucy, though.  Accept that you won't have some friends with you, and work on fixing the friendships.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    <div>No. I picked the $130 dress. You have no idea what kind of dress she showed me in the first place. So how can you say that I repaid her by picking out a different style dress? Also I'm no waiting for her to call me. I've called her over 10 times. And I've sent her text messages. She is the one who will not respond. I don't think the friendships are ruined. These girls had months to find different dresses that they each liked because I originally told them to find dresses they liked in a certain color scheme. The colors I gave them were and still are easy to find. They wouldn't look on their own, so I had to look for them.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b3aa0186-2f2b-4071-ac0f-38364df6be09Post:b5af4b1a-cd88-4749-8889-1f36faf2dbae">Re: BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ugh. It's rough. There is so much that should have been handled differently.  As the bride you should have given them options months ago, not told however many women to find something together. You don't say if they're friends too, or not, but how awkward. You're the bride (ie project manager). Plus, how do they really know what you want. Then, how upsetting to not be able to be in a friend's wedding over the cost of the dress. Your friendship meant alot (otherwise you wouldn't have chosen these ladies and they wouldn't have agreed to it). Money is a huge huge consideration and this is YOUR day, not theirs. <strong>You can justify a splurge maybe, but they told you upfront they couldn't. </strong>If you value these friendships, I think you have major damage control / clean-up to do.  Are you just writing these friends off now? Do you want them back in your life? I can understand why Hayley didn't want to speak to you. <strong>You basically told her that the specific dress was more important to you than her being in your wedding supporting you</strong>. That'll sting for awhile. I think in this situation you're the one who has to eat crow.<strong> I would figure out a way to pay for each of those girls dresses</strong>. That's my best advice.
    Posted by SCD1126[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>It wasn't a splurge for them. They told me nothing crazy like $300 and that they would pay for whatever dress I liked. The dress I picked was $158. I didn't tell Hayley that the dress was more important than she. I told her that all of the other girls were wearing the same dress. She's not the MOH. She has to wear the same dress. FI and I decided that we would pay for the additional cost of Lucy's dress...until she decided not to call me back after 10 times.

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b3aa0186-2f2b-4071-ac0f-38364df6be09Post:393a5a63-92c0-45bc-a813-8c3d9e7f4ed6">Re: BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]I completely agree with previous comments.  I think you need to get on David's Bridals website and <strong>find something under $100</strong> pronto and hope that things can get worked out with these girls and cancel the other order.  These dresses are not worth the friendships being lost, in my opinion.  Before even asking my four girls I had 3-4 dresses in mind, all very similar and ranging in price from $79 to $99 and they've been relieved to hear of the pricing.  Being in a wedding is insanely expensive for a bridesmaid/MOH and I think these expenses, which can most definitely be controlled, should be managed so friendships aren't lost.  Good luck mending these fences but as it's been stated -- they're YOUR fences to mend.
    Posted by mlg78[/QUOTE]

    <div>I tried to find something under $100 but they were all crazy bright colors or they weren't in Lucy's size.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b3aa0186-2f2b-4071-ac0f-38364df6be09Post:5c0c2bee-7a2c-48c0-9151-906c06d1a6f0">Re: BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hayley felt like you were putting the priority on the dress, which you were when you said that you'd understand if she had to back out. And Lucy, poor Lucy.  She probably needs styles that work with her body type.  She found a style that would work, and <strong>you priorized colour over how she would feel.</strong> If two of your WP are dropping out because of the dress, then it seems like you may be handling the dress issue wrongly.
    Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

    <div>I did not prioritize color over how Lucy would feel. But when you have all of your wedding colors already picked and things already ordered in those colors, you can't change those colors.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b3aa0186-2f2b-4071-ac0f-38364df6be09Post:30c4a033-53d2-4b31-a10b-13e5f065b7bd">Re: BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM's bow out because of dress : I may be misreading or confused, but OP said that she specifically eliminated one dress and found another because the first dress didn't work on Lucy.  I don't see where she chose a dress based on color that didn't work for Lucy over a dress that did work for Lucy.  It actually sounds like she made an effort to find a dress that would look good on Lucy. Edit: I now see where she says that early on.  However,<strong> I think that having a specific color in mind for the dresses isn't unreasonable.</strong>
    Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]

    <div>Thank you! I don't know one bride who will change her colors based on a dress that works for one BM...especially if they're way opposite of what the bride wants. And I did eliminate a cheaper dress because it didn't work on Lucy.</div>
  • OP, you did ask your BMs their budget, and it seems as though none of them gave you a specific dollar amount.  They all said they were fine with paying for whatever you chose as long as it didn't approach ridiculous amounts like $300.  It also sounds like you gave them numerous opportunities to contribute ideas and opinions about the dresses.  It also sounds like your options are limited due to Lucy's size, which can make it hard to find dresses at a lower price.  Requiring the dress to be a certain color is also reasonable, as you have likely ordered/purchased several other items within that color scheme.  I think that you actually handled things quite well.  Your biggest mistake was probably waiting too long to order the dresses, which it sounds like made it difficult to find an option that was ideal for everyone.

    At this point, I would make one last effort to call Lucy (even though I know you have tried to reach out to her numerous times).  Leave a voicemail if you need to and say, "Lucy, I think that this whole dress thing has gotten blown way out of proportion and I am really sad with how it is affecting our friendship.  You mean so much to me, and I would love to have you in my wedding.  I am willing to pay for the cost of the extra alterations if this will make the dress affordable for you. I apologize if I handled things badly or hurt you in any way.  It would mean the world to have you as a bridesmaid."




  • What color scheme/style/length/type of fabric were you looking for?  I've literally been staring at hundreds of BM dresses on the web today (the whole thing is stressing me out more than it should and I got a little single-minded about it today) and I might remember seeing something that would work that I can point you to.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • jlm9113jlm9113 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2012
    I also just noticed that you're from New Orleans.  Are you at all close to Pearl's Place (http://www.pearlsplace.com/). I found them (many) thanks to the ladies on Attire and Acessories.  And they seem to have pretty much any designer you can think of; I called them today for pricing on a few dresses and they were all WELL below the price that any other boutique quoted me.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b3aa0186-2f2b-4071-ac0f-38364df6be09Post:05344dac-46a7-47f1-b7b3-284dd39a631f">Re: BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP, you did ask your BMs their budget, and it seems as though <strong>none of them gave you a specific dollar amount</strong>.  They all said they were fine with paying for whatever you chose as long as it didn't approach ridiculous amounts like $300.  It also sounds like <strong>you gave them numerous opportunities to contribute ideas and opinions about the dresses</strong>.  It also sounds like <strong>your options are limited due to Lucy's size</strong>, which can make it hard to find dresses at a lower price.  Requiring the dress to be a certain color is also reasonable, as you have likely ordered/purchased several other items within that color scheme.  I think that you actually handled things quite well.  Your <strong>biggest mistake was probably waiting too long to order the dresses,</strong> which it sounds like made it difficult to find an option that was ideal for everyone. At this point, I would make one last effort to call Lucy (even though I know you have tried to reach out to her numerous times).  Leave a voicemail if you need to and say, "Lucy, I think that this whole dress thing has gotten blown way out of proportion and I am really sad with how it is affecting our friendship.  You mean so much to me, and I would love to have you in my wedding.  I am willing to pay for the cost of the extra alterations if this will make the dress affordable for you. I apologize if I handled things badly or hurt you in any way.  It would mean the world to have you as a bridesmaid."
    Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Thanks for seeing how hard I've tried. I definitely think that it made it harder on them to purchases the dresses because they had to come up with $92 within one week or the dresses wouldn't be available by mid-March. And it's right after Christmas, which is an expensive time of the year. But I had to make a decision. The clock was ticking.

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b3aa0186-2f2b-4071-ac0f-38364df6be09Post:a904182c-7224-497b-a000-7812a1a53503">Re: BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]I also just noticed that your from New Orleans.  Are you at all close to Pearl's Place ( <a href="http://www.pearlsplace.com/)." rel="nofollow">http://www.pearlsplace.com/).</a> They seem to have pretty much any designer you can think of, and I called them today for pricing on a few dresses and they were all WELL below the price that any other boutique quoted me.
    Posted by jlm9113[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm very close to Pearl's Place. But we got our BM dresses there for my mom's wedding and they were awful. They ordered the wrong size (way way wrong) for my mom and another bridesmaid. And they had to alter and then re-alter my dress. So I decided not to go there. I went to LInda Lee Bridal & Boutique.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b3aa0186-2f2b-4071-ac0f-38364df6be09Post:f2881954-29e0-4aa9-90e9-3ae2525d156b">Re: BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM's bow out because of dress : I'm very close to Pearl's Place. But we got our BM dresses there for my mom's wedding and they were awful. They ordered the wrong size (way way wrong) for my mom and another bridesmaid. And they had to alter and then re-alter my dress. So I decided not to go there. I went to LInda Lee Bridal & Boutique.
    Posted by mdupon70997[/QUOTE]

    Yikes.  That's good to know now before using that shop.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • mdupon70997mdupon70997 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b3aa0186-2f2b-4071-ac0f-38364df6be09Post:64235f58-8487-41ad-9adc-a7eab5c7e2b8">Re: BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]What color scheme/style/length/type of fabric were you looking for?  I've literally been staring at hundreds of BM dresses on the web today (the whole thing is stressing me out more than it should and I got a little single-minded about it today) and I might remember seeing something that would work that I can point you to.
    Posted by jlm9113[/QUOTE]

    <div>BM dresses can be really overwhelming, especially if there are a range of shapes and sizes in your WP. I wanted a lighter pink tea length or knee length dress in either satin or chiffon. </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b3aa0186-2f2b-4071-ac0f-38364df6be09Post:c83cfd4c-66ac-4671-bffc-11c7337ff9b0">Re: BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM's bow out because of dress : Thanks for seeing how hard I've tried. I definitely think that it made it harder on them to purchases the dresses because they had to come up with $92 within one week or the dresses wouldn't be available by mid-March. And it's right after Christmas, which is an expensive time of the year. But I had to make a decision. The clock was ticking.
    Posted by mdupon70997[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yeah, I definitely agree that the timing and down payment thing wasn't ideal.  However, it seems as though you really have made an effort in several respects.  Paying a portion or all of the dress upon ordering is also pretty standard practice, so your BMs should have been aware that they would need to pay money towards the dresses well before the wedding.  I would be very frustrated if I were in your shoes. </div><div>
    </div><div>I also had a BM who didn't bring any money with her the day we went to order the dresses (and because of past debt problems doesn't have a debit or credit card).  Luckily, my very generous mom paid the down payment for her.  I was frustrated that she hadn't thought to bring any money, though, especially since she knew we would be choosing and ordering dresses that day.  So, I know how frustrating it is when you are doing your best to accommodate people and it just isn't working out.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b3aa0186-2f2b-4071-ac0f-38364df6be09Post:45ccfe1e-43a2-40ff-b691-3521ead2e41b">Re: BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM's bow out because of dress : BM dresses can be really overwhelming, especially if there are a range of shapes and sizes in your WP. I wanted a lighter pink tea length or knee length dress in either satin or chiffon. 
    Posted by mdupon70997[/QUOTE]


    Just a few off the top of my head (I'm also looking for something knee or tea length in chiffon or satin:D):

    <a href="http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Bill-Levkoff-325/3200/46551" rel="nofollow">http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Bill-Levkoff-325/3200/46551</a> (this designer goes up to size 28 and can add 5 inches extra length for a little more)

    <a href="http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Bill-Levkoff-328/3200/46554" rel="nofollow">http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Bill-Levkoff-328/3200/46554</a> (same designer)

    <a href="http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Landa-MF499/3200/45832" rel="nofollow">http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Landa-MF499/3200/45832</a>

    <a href="http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Landa-MF500/3200/45834" rel="nofollow">http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Landa-MF500/3200/45834</a>

    <a href="http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Landa-MF501/3200/45837" rel="nofollow">www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Landa-MF501/3200/45837</a>

    <a href="http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Mori-Lee-186/3200/45789" rel="nofollow">http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Mori-Lee-186/3200/45789</a>

    <a href="http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Alexia-Designs-884/3200/43211" rel="nofollow">http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Alexia-Designs-884/3200/43211</a>

    <a href="http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Bill-Levkoff-151/3200/41962" rel="nofollow">http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Bill-Levkoff-151/3200/41962</a>

    <a href="http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Bill-Levkoff-154/3200/41984" rel="nofollow">http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Bill-Levkoff-154/3200/41984</a>

    I'm obviously partial to Bill Levkoff and I gravitated more towards skirts that flow away from the hip since those tend to be more universally flattering than something that's skintight.  But I also could be so far off base from the idea you have in your head that these are useless:D 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b3aa0186-2f2b-4071-ac0f-38364df6be09Post:997dc722-655c-4a08-9173-cadf70ae3115">Re: BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM's bow out because of dress : Just a few off the top of my head (I'm also looking for something knee or tea length in chiffon or satin:D): <a href="http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Bill-Levkoff-325/3200/46551" rel="nofollow">http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Bill-Levkoff-325/3200/46551</a> (this designer goes up to size 28 and can add 5 inches extra length for a little more) <a href="http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Bill-Levkoff-328/3200/46554" rel="nofollow">http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Bill-Levkoff-328/3200/46554</a> (same designer) <a href="http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Landa-MF499/3200/45832" rel="nofollow">http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Landa-MF499/3200/45832</a> <a href="http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Landa-MF500/3200/45834" rel="nofollow">http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Landa-MF500/3200/45834</a> <a href="http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Landa-MF501/3200/45837" rel="nofollow">www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Landa-MF501/3200/45837</a> <a href="http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Mori-Lee-186/3200/45789" rel="nofollow">http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Mori-Lee-186/3200/45789</a> <a href="http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Alexia-Designs-884/3200/43211" rel="nofollow">http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Alexia-Designs-884/3200/43211</a> <a href="http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Bill-Levkoff-151/3200/41962" rel="nofollow">http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Bill-Levkoff-151/3200/41962</a> <a href="http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Bill-Levkoff-154/3200/41984" rel="nofollow">http://www.weddingshoppeinc.com/pr/Bill-Levkoff-154/3200/41984</a> I'm obviously partial to Bill Levkoff and I gravitated more towards skirts that flow away from the hip since those tend to be more universally flattering than something that's skintight.  But I also could be so far off base from the idea you have in your head that these are useless:D 
    Posted by jlm9113[/QUOTE]

    <div>Thanks. But 6 bridesmaids have already placed their downpayments and I don't want them to lose their deposits. What I chose is by Impression Bridal in their pink. Lucy couldn't be there to try it on, but it has nice ruching and and there are no belts or sashes to cut across her tummy. And she's not really big on top. I thought it would look really nice on her.</div>
    <a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/11/4/7b3cf100-ec1f-42fb-8407-37229a5ffab4.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/11/4/7b3cf100-ec1f-42fb-8407-37229a5ffab4.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a> <a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/0/2/a0658117-6e40-41f7-9230-4e735942f5b1.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" class="PhotoLink"><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/0/2/a0658117-6e40-41f7-9230-4e735942f5b1.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b3aa0186-2f2b-4071-ac0f-38364df6be09Post:14fccc31-58c3-4c4b-bbee-074464d1bfc3">Re: BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM's bow out because of dress : Thanks. But 6 bridesmaids have already placed their downpayments and I don't want them to lose their deposits. What I chose is by Impression Bridal in their pink. Lucy couldn't be there to try it on, but it has nice ruching and and there are no belts or sashes to cut across her tummy. And she's not really big on top. I thought it would look really nice on her.  
    Posted by mdupon70997[/QUOTE]

    That's a really pretty dress!  And I agree that the ruching is a magical thing that seems to work for everyone:D
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  • ok please take this from me, a girl who was always always always a bridesmaid 8 times, yes 8 times. and I can tell you that all 8 times i was NEVER NEVER, asked what my budget was for buying the dress, shoes, hair, alternations, and make up, there was only 1 bride who paid for my dress, and she offered to pay, and 3 of the 8 weddings i was in I either was unemployed, or working part time and NOT ONCE did I ask the bride to help pay for my wedding dress, do you know who helped me MY MOTHER!! So you are doing everything right, you asked they budget and they didn't tell you and BM dresses are not cheap, the range from 100 to 200 dollars, plus alternations, though alternations you can find a cheaper place as oppose to having it done at the bridal store. once a bride asks u to be part of there wedding 6 to 12 months in advance that is there cue to say yes or no and if they say yes start saving your pennies, I think its rude for a bridesmaid to say yes to being a part of your wedding and then back out over something like this and by your offering to pay for lucy's dress is a nice gesture, that means you really want her to be a part of your wedding, the other girl, she probably find out what you were doing for lucy and decide hey maybe she'll do the same for me, trust be on this BM's do talk when your not around. make an attempt to reach out to both of them to try to resolve the siutation and try to make something work. good luck.

  • I agree with the previous posters that say that you did almost everything right - and like them, I do think you would have gained from ordering the dresses sooner. I have been a bridesmaid several times and each time I'm happy to give the bride my budget and then I wear what she'd like me to wear. Of course, I haven't loved what I've worn every time, but I think your girls are lucky to have a bride with good taste - I love the dresses you posted!

    That being said, weddings cause drama and hurt feelings, and it's unlikely that they'll get resolved if you don't step up and say something to your girls. I do think they made some mistakes with planning and saving money, and it doesn't seem like there was proper communication about budget. I'd recommend being the peace-keeper so that you can have a nice time with the most important girls in your life on your wedding day - reach out to them and ask what they need and how you can make this easier for them. Call them - if you don't answer, leave a voicemail or write an email - and apologize for any misunderstandings and remind them that they're important to you and you'd like them to be a part of the wedding and have a good time with it!

    Good luck!
  • Thank goodness for your mom! Like you said, paying for all or a portion of the dress upon ordering is pretty standard. She should have know that she needed money with her. Hayley is pretty irresponsible financially. That's also part of the reason I didn't pay her deposit.
  • I understand why you're frustrated but you should not have put the burden of choosing the dresses on them. It was your job from the beginning.

    But no matter what, if your bridesmaid can't wear the dress, you change the dress not the bridesmaid. I'd be so pissed if my friend said she would "understand" if I couldn't be in her wedding.



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  • libby2483libby2483 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b3aa0186-2f2b-4071-ac0f-38364df6be09Post:b1f53fce-aaf8-4afa-9759-91ad5dfc3960">Re: BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]I understand why you're frustrated but you should not have put the burden of choosing the dresses on them. It was your job from the beginning. <strong>But no matter what, if your bridesmaid can't wear the dress, you change the dress not the bridesmaid. I'd be so pissed if my friend said she would "understand" if I couldn't be in her wedding.</strong>
    Posted by Dreamergirl8812[/QUOTE]

    <div>I disagree with this in this particular situation.  The bride did ask the BMs for their budgets, and the BMs told her that anything under a "ridiculous" amount such as $300 was fine.  The bride adhered to this.  If the BMs did not properly budget after saying they could afford this, it is not the bride's fault.  In addition, six of the BMs have already ordered and paid the deposit on the dress, so it doesn't make sense to change it now.  I do agree that because of the extra cost of Lucy's alterations, it would be a nice gesture for the bride to pay that extra cost.  Hayley simply couldn't afford something after she said she could, so she has removed herself from the wedding party.</div><div>
    </div><div>Brides on this board are constantly told that their BMs' only responsibility is to purchase a dress (within the agreed upon budget) and show up on the wedding day in said dress.  We constantly tell brides that if a BM doesn't do these things, she has removed herself from the wedding party.  This is exactly what has happened in this situation, so to blame the bride is quite unfair.</div>
  • edited December 2012
    If all the of the details here have been accurately represented, I agree that the BMs are being unreasonable.

    However, the story doesn't jive for me 100%.

    If I had to bow out of a friend's wedding because I couldn't afford the dress after specifically telling her I could, I'd be embarrassed, and feel terrible.  I wouldn't be angry with said friend. The fact that TWO people did this, is even more intriguing.

    It's not a natural reaction, and makes me think there is more to this story.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • I don't think Lucy is actually angry at me. I think she's upset that she can't afford the dress and that her size affects the cost for her. Hayley, on the other hand, is angry, and I dont really feel like he has the right to be. She's had plenty of time to save money knowing that she would have to purchase a dress. I was going to pay for Lucy's additional costs but if she can't call me back after calling her 10 times, I won't. I don't think it's too much to ask for them all to wear the same thing.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b3aa0186-2f2b-4071-ac0f-38364df6be09Post:b0bad5d7-2d55-4dd8-9f95-05d7674735e8">Re: BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM's bow out because of dress : I disagree with this in this particular situation.  The bride did ask the BMs for their budgets, and the BMs told her that anything under a "ridiculous" amount such as $300 was fine.  The bride adhered to this.  If the BMs did not properly budget after saying they could afford this, it is not the bride's fault.  In addition, six of the BMs have already ordered and paid the deposit on the dress, so it doesn't make sense to change it now.  I do agree that because of the extra cost of Lucy's alterations, it would be a nice gesture for the bride to pay that extra cost.  Hayley simply couldn't afford something after she said she could, so she has removed herself from the wedding party. Brides on this board are constantly told that their BMs' only responsibility is to purchase a dress (within the agreed upon budget) and show up on the wedding day in said dress.  We constantly tell brides that if a BM doesn't do these things, she has removed herself from the wedding party.  This is exactly what has happened in this situation, so to blame the bride is quite unfair.
    Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>This. 

    </div>
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b3aa0186-2f2b-4071-ac0f-38364df6be09Post:dbdbb5e9-add4-4761-942c-457e1e9c169c">Re: BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]If all the of the details here have been accurately represented, I agree that the BMs are being unreasonable. However, the story doesn't jive for me 100%. If I had to bow out of a friend's wedding because I couldn't afford the dress after specifically telling her I could, I'd be embarrassed, and feel terrible.  I wouldn't be angry with said friend. The fact that TWO people did this, is even more intriguing. It's not a natural reaction, and makes me think there is more to this story.
    Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

    <div>This.</div><div>
    </div><div>If I were Lucy, I would be incredibly humiliated by the situation.  I wouldn't be angry or "ready to talk" days later.  It just doesn't add up.</div><div>
    </div><div>The fact that neither of these girls will talk to OP speaks volumes to me.  It's pretty clear that this dress is going to ruin these relationships.  </div>
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