Would you say something?

chelseamb11 · June 2012

Please tell me if I'm blowing this out of proportion, as it is entirely possible.

One of my REALLY good friends from college had said all along that he was coming to the wedding. Sweet.

About two months ago, he texted me telling me that his work schedule shifted things around and now our wedding weekend is a working weekend for him rather than an off weekend. He doesn't get PTO yet so it would be a big deal for him to get off work. I told him we understood completely and that we will miss him.

Well, his grandma is a baker, and we have been planning for almost a year now that she will do our cake. Originally he was planning on arriving early to the wedding to help her set up the cake (I guess he was her assistant at one point too for a summer job). I called her today just to confirm stuff and whatnot, and mentioned that he wouldn't be able to help her anymore. She cut in, "Oh yeah! He already told me he can't make it. He's going on vacation!"

Wait, what? That's not what he told me. She seemed pretty confident that she wasn't mistaken (and she has a crazy awesome memory I've noticed with other stuff). It's been bugging me all day. I'm so anticonfrontational, so I don't want to confront him on it. But obviously it really hurts that he'd back out of coming to the wedding, and especially that he lied about it. If it was the only chance he had for a vacation, yeah I woulda been bummed, but I obviously would understand. His life shouldn't stop just for our wedding. But I'm ticked that he lied about it.

I can't decide if I want to say something. I don't want to confront him, but I really don't get why he lied to me.

CN: Good friend changed RSVP from yes to no claming he had to work. Found out today that he's actually going on vacation. More upset that he lied than that he's not coming. Do I say something?

AllAboutTheBenjamin · June 2012

I don't think you're blowing it out of proportion. I mean if he can't come, fine, but he lied and that sucks and he is a first class dumbass for thinking he'd get away with it since people close to him are working with you on things for your wedding.

I'd totally confront him about it.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

That's just not nice of him! HOwever, I would rectify the cake situation first. Can his grandma still make the cake and can you get someone to help her deliver it? I might speak to him about it, but at the same time, if he is going on vacation and felt the need to lie to you about it, is he still a good friend to you?

chelseamb11 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-you-say-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:8a78670f-fb2f-49b5-9f49-d60ff9f7b122Post:2a2df9c9-d28c-4c04-9439-d7c5bc084b75">Re: Would you say something?</a>:
[QUOTE]That's just not nice of him! HOwever, I would rectify the cake situation first. Can his grandma still make the cake and can you get someone to help her deliver it? I might speak to him about it, but at the same time, if he is going on vacation and felt the need to lie to you about it, is he still a good friend to you?
Posted by schlagetermari[/QUOTE]

Oh the cake thing is totally fine, nothing bad on there. Her son is taking her instead to help out.
I'm just not sure whether or not to confront him.

KateJ10 · June 2012

thanks diiick!

But, would you have been ok with it if he said, I can't go to your wedding, I am going on vacation instead? or would that have bothered you? I imagine he lied to avoid hurting your feelings and thought that would be the best way to go about it. sucky!

mari0225 · June 2012

I would say something, it's one thing if he can't come but that's ridiculous that he lied about it.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · June 2012

I wouldn't care if someone was on vacation instead of my wedding. I know PTO isn't the same in all jobs.

What would piss me off is the lying part. Why lie?

alynne1113 · June 2012

I would totally say "oh so gma said that you are going on a vacation soon thats exciting, where are you going and when?" because maybe she is mistaken.. and if not then I would tell him that it hurt your feelings he lied to you.

brilibby4 · June 2012

I don't think your are blowing it out of proportion. I would probably say something since you said he is one of your really good friends. I feel like it could be good to talk about it instead of letting it awkwardly hang between your friendship.

kd.joseph · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-you-say-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:8a78670f-fb2f-49b5-9f49-d60ff9f7b122Post:4504174f-337c-497e-b453-3f3815f79345">Re: Would you say something?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't care if someone was on vacation instead of my wedding. I know PTO isn't the same in all jobs. What would piss me off is the lying part. <strong> Why lie?
</strong>Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

This and now may not be the time, but yeah I'd make a may be known to make a smartass remark to let him know that I know. Watch him squirm, but I'd question my friendship as well at this point.

Maybe he's not as good a friend as you thought.

Girlie1030 · June 2012

I'd be hurt by the lie too. I like Alynne's idea.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · June 2012

There's DJ, believing the best in people. I mean, yeah, he might have lied to spare your feelings. BUT HE PROBABLY LIED BECAUSE HE IS OF SATAN. In which case, he must be smited

Matty143 · June 2012

That would hurt my feelings, absolutely.
The lie that is, not missing the wedding.

I would say something because personally, I cant stand having unresolved issues/hurt feelings, etc.
Probably like someone else mentioned, a casual "Your Grandma mentioned you were going on vacation..."

Sorry : (

chelseamb11 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-you-say-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:8a78670f-fb2f-49b5-9f49-d60ff9f7b122Post:33325df8-2582-411c-9cee-079511758a15">Re: Would you say something?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think you're blowing it out of proportion, but I also wouldn't say anything. It sounds like he lied in a misguided attempt to protect your feelings, not to be malicious. While I don't condone that, I think you confronting him will lead to a really uncomfortable situation and possibly additional hurt feelings on both sides.
Posted by djhar[/QUOTE]

Yeah this is the boat I'm thinking too. He's such a sweet person and normally so blunt and upfront about people, he rarely sugarcoats anything. My guess is he knew I'd be bummed, so he tried to make it easier.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · June 2012

Give me his address, Chels and tell him he's getting chocolate covered potato chips. He'll actually be getting a rabid skunk. That'll teach him.

chelseamb11 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-you-say-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:8a78670f-fb2f-49b5-9f49-d60ff9f7b122Post:ace8edd9-9112-4d24-af5e-bbee1206dfa7">Re: Would you say something?</a>:
[QUOTE]Give me his address, Chels and tell him he's getting chocolate covered potato chips. He'll actually be getting a rabid skunk. That'll teach him.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

Oh man I totally forgot about those amazing things. So tasty. (The chips, not the skunk <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />)

NicoleSahara · June 2012

I'd probably ask him how his vacation was the next time I saw him and see where it went from there. I couldn't just act normally around him if I knew he'd lied to me, even if it was to spare my feelings. If it wasn't someone I was close with, I probably wouldn't care as much.

krose83013 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-you-say-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:8a78670f-fb2f-49b5-9f49-d60ff9f7b122Post:3650d6b9-547a-4acc-acd3-52661a689eb3">Re: Would you say something?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would say something, it's one thing if he can't come but that's ridiculous that he lied about it.
Posted by mari0225[/QUOTE]

Agreed. He needs to man up and be truthful. Now that he lied you may not be so understanding. Did he think you would be more mad if he told you the truth?

michellesean · June 2012

I agree. The fact that he lied is bad. I dont care what our relationship is, I don't tolerate lies.

QueerFemme · June 2012

I would absolutely say something. But, I'm all about up front communication.

I would say "Hey, really good friend.. I need to talk to you about something that has been bothering me. I know you said you couldn't get the weekend off for the wedding, which I totally understand. But, I was talking to your granny about my cake, and she mentioned that you are going to be on vacation that weekend. Maybe she was mistaken on the vacation timing, but it's been bugging me. I hope you know, if you wanted to go on vacation on my wedding weekend, I would understand. I hope you don't feel like you had to lie to me about where you were going to be".

Or something along those lines.

PioneerWedding · June 2012

I would not come to your boring wedding so I would have taken a vacation too, I applaud your friend

pirategal03 · June 2012

Does his job require travel? Grandma may be misinterpreting "I'll be out of town" as "I'm going on vacation".

chelseamb11 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-you-say-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:8a78670f-fb2f-49b5-9f49-d60ff9f7b122Post:2e1a636c-4f37-430f-92d6-228af394f501">Re: Would you say something?</a>:
[QUOTE]Does his job require travel? Grandma may be misinterpreting "I'll be out of town" as "I'm going on vacation".
Posted by pirategal03[/QUOTE]

Nope, he works in a chemistry lab doing chemical stuff. No traveling required.

lindseyann410 · June 2012

I'm wondering if he's the type to "check in" or post something about his vacation on FB. Then you'd have an easy way to bring it up. If not, I'd be hurt, but I probably wouldn't say anything.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

If I were in his situation, I would probably lie too. It's hard to tell someone "oh yeah. You know that wedding you are having? Well, I've decided to go on vacation instead." Not saying it's right or anything, but it's not something I would really get bent out of shape over. He's a dude. They are not really known for their love of weddings.

Simply Fated · June 2012

In Response to Re:Would you say something?:[QUOTE]I'm wondering if he's the type to quot;check inquot; or post something about his vacation on FB. nbsp;Then you'd have an easy way to bring it up. nbsp;If not, I'd be hurt, but I probably wouldn't say anything. Posted by lindseyann410[/QUOTE]
My friend did that. She backed out of plans with me and another friend because she had to do something with her boyfriend and his family.
Then she checked in somewhere with a picture of her, her bf, and their friends and they all started posting on it. It sucked.

Chels, I'm super naive when it comes to these things and would probably think he lied to his grandmother and not me. Because of that, I'd approach it less confrontationally and more curiously. He could have tried telling you what he thought was a white lie, like dj said.

Legu · June 2012

Sorry to bend offtopic, but, who the frick is PioneerWedding, and why would their only post be something so random and negative?? That made me chuckle, just out of randomness :]

chelseamb11 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_would-you-say-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8a78670f-fb2f-49b5-9f49-d60ff9f7b122Post:05830738-1395-4b49-8aa4-98e6b6172ba9">Re:Would you say something?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry to bend offtopic, but, who the frick is PioneerWedding, and why would their only post be something so random and negative?? That made me chuckle, just out of randomness :]
Posted by Legu[/QUOTE]

Look at the join date. It's a troll.

skippylouwho · June 2012

I'd probably be passive agressive about it - I'd message him and tell him you hope he has a great time on his vacation and you can't wait to hear all about it and that you're sure you'll be exicted to tell him about your wedding and honeymoon at the same time.

pomundson0 · June 2012

I like the earlier post of bringing it up in friendly conversation, something like 'your grandma said you were going on vacation? Lucky man, where you escaping to and when?' I agree he probably was trying to spare your feelings, thinking you'd be hurt by his wanting to take that trip rather than do your wedding, The lie bugs me too. I'd SO much rather people be honest

Would you say something?

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