Moms and Maids

Maid of Honor Issue

So I asked my best friend to be my maid of honor a few months ago. Since I have started planning she has not been around to help at all, has missed all of the bridesmaids dress fitting, all of my dress trying on, and the bridesmaids dinner I took the girls out to. I am looking to my bridal party for ideas as my FI is in the military and lives far away. Every time I ask her if she wants to help or come, she never has time. I am not asking her to be at my beck and call but I would like her to participate in the wedding party activities.

 I really want to not have her as my maid of honor. She works a lot and I work a lot so our schedules don't mesh. She can never help out and I have a friend who is constantly helping me pick and choose things for the wedding. We once talked about time and she said it would be okay if I didn't want her as MOH because she doesn't have time to help but I still feel crappy telling her I don't want her as my MOH.

Any advice? Do I keep her for sake of losing a friend, or really tell her how I feel?
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Re: Maid of Honor Issue

  • edited December 2011
    "Do I keep her for sake of losing a friend, or really tell her how I feel"
    Neither. You switch your feelings. It sounds like this friend is reasonably busy, reasonably hard to meet up with, etc. It sounds like you saw all that going into wedding planning. Yet it sounds like she's a good, long-term friend.

    So you leave her as your maid of honor. You thank this helpful bridesmaids each time she does something helpful. You delight in your entire bridal party. You remember that the bridal party's only real responsibility is to show up on time in the proper clothes.
  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Who is the MOH should be your nearest and dearest, not who plans you the most awesome party/shower or who is able to help you plan or make stuff the most often. Obviously something about her made you choose her, so try to ignore all of this you are focusing on now, because all these things you are upset about do not make her a bad MOH. Sure, you can be disappointed, but you will risk losing her friendship or looking like a B if you "replace" her or kick her out. Even if she is ok with being "demoted" I would not do it. 

    Also, as for your other friend who you say is around more, that is not your MOH's fault. I don't think you should "upgrade" said friend to a co MOH or anything, but perhaps you could privately thank her with an extra gift (additional gift card, bottle of nice wine, scrapbook of photos, etc) for all she did for you when you give out your WP gifts. I'm a fan of always doing them in private for reasons like this. 
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  • edited December 2011
    Ditto Emo. These women are your friends, not your employees.
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  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Just my opinion: MOH is not a JOB. It's an honor you bestow on the friend or family member you feel closest to. My MOH was my 16 y/o daughter......... she couldn't afford to give me anything or plan anything (unless I paid for it, LOL). But on my wedding day, she embodied the person that I am closest to, in spite of the fact I have friends I've known for over 40 years.

    Only you can decide who this person is.

    Good luck.
  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:bbab9943-2c30-4914-84f0-858a4aad06c9Post:c67f76ba-2a65-4422-bc9b-b273a87fe707">Maid of Honor Issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]So I asked my best friend to be my maid of honor a few months ago. Since I have started planning she has not been around to help at all, has missed all of the bridesmaids dress fitting, all of my dress trying on, and the bridesmaids dinner I took the girls out to. I am looking to my bridal party for ideas as my FI is in the military and lives far away. Every time I ask her if she wants to help or come, she never has time. I am not asking her to be at my beck and call but I would like her to participate in the wedding party activities.  I really want to not have her as my maid of honor. She works a lot and I work a lot so our schedules don't mesh. She can never help out and I have a friend who is constantly helping me pick and choose things for the wedding. We once talked about time and she said it would be okay if I didn't want her as MOH because she doesn't have time to help but I still feel crappy telling her I don't want her as my MOH. Any advice? Do I keep her for sake of losing a friend, or really tell her how I feel?
    Posted by Megan0416[/QUOTE]
    Listen to the ladies above.  You are expecting too much of your bridal party.  Have you ever noticed men don't have this problem with their GM?  It's because they know it's not their BP responsibility to help with the wedding planning.  If you feel that you cannot do all the things you want for the wedding I suggest hiring a wedding planner.
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  • freebread03freebread03 member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Wow, she should really be spending more time helping you out. I know you said she works a lot but maybe she can take some time off to help you out and make up for everything she's missed so far. No, in all seriousness, I 100% agree with the PPs who noted that being MOH is not a job but something that should be given to your merest and dearest. Your wedding will never be as important to anyone else as it is to you.
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:bbab9943-2c30-4914-84f0-858a4aad06c9Post:6e379663-7edc-4445-a63f-34237621bdae">Re: Maid of Honor Issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Maid of Honor Issue : Listen to the ladies above.  You are expecting too much of your bridal party.  Have you ever noticed men don't have this problem with their GM?  It's because they know it's not their BP responsibility to help with the wedding planning.  If you feel that you cannot do all the things you want for the wedding I suggest hiring a wedding planner.
    Posted by jagore08[/QUOTE]
    A very good point.  Why is it that women are expected to be all SQUEEE WEDDING LET ME MAKE THE FAVORS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!! ?



  • kaitlyn&henrykaitlyn&henry member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    As exciting as getting married is to us in the process, others really dont care. Their life does not get put on hold. Its nice if friends help with wedding stuff, but it is not required and really should not be expected. Maybe try talking non wedding stuff to rebuild your friendship...its not worth losing a friend over.
  • graysquirrelgraysquirrel member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Being a BM or MOH does not equal free co-planner. She shouldn't be expected to come to vendors with you or make her schedule fit to be with you when you think it is wedding time. She shouldn't be required to go to luncheons or dress shop with you. She has agreed to be in your wedding, something which lasts one day, not all of the days leading up to it, too. When she said yes to being your MOH it meant that she would get her dress and come to your wedding ready to smile for pictures and walk down the aisle. Anything else should be seen as a gift.
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  • edited December 2011
    I am not asking for a co-planner. I don't believe for one second that you ladies don't expect a little involvement from your bridal party. I did not ask to have her plan my wedding just be involved somewhat. Maybe this is a "regional" thing. It's common around here for the BM's to help. But to each his own. I am not mad for your opinions. The lunch was something nice, a thank you for them saying yes. I don't konw why I am trying to explain myself.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:bbab9943-2c30-4914-84f0-858a4aad06c9Post:27b1a542-6298-46e6-a1c2-b4c00c7ff78b">Re: Maid of Honor Issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am not asking for a co-planner. I don't believe for one second that you ladies don't expect a little involvement from your bridal party. I did not ask to have her plan my wedding just be involved somewhat. Maybe this is a "regional" thing. It's common around here for the BM's to help. But to each his own. I am not mad for your opinions. The lunch was something nice, a thank you for them saying yes. I don't konw why I am trying to explain myself.
    Posted by Megan0416[/QUOTE]

    Don't pull the BS "regional" card.  I'm from your region and no way did I ask my MOH to do the things you're asking 5 mos out.

    Furthermore, anyone I know IN this area that's asked to do a ton this far out only talks poorly about the bride behind her back.

    It's nice that you're not mad but I think you're still not getting it.  Your MOH hasn't done anything wrong at all.  In fact, I think you're expecting WAY too much at this point.
  • edited December 2011
    I do get it. I never said she did anything wrong. My bridesmaids know who I am. None of them think I am a bitch or controlling. In fact I am incredibly easy going. When I asked them to be in my wedding I asked if they would be willing to help me out with things since FI is in the military and living across the country. So I don't think you have the right to judge what I am asking. I am completely alone trying to do something that I have no clue about. My other BMs are happy to help and have done so. I haven't asked at all for help other than emails of do you like this or that.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:bbab9943-2c30-4914-84f0-858a4aad06c9Post:27b1a542-6298-46e6-a1c2-b4c00c7ff78b">Re: Maid of Honor Issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am not asking for a co-planner.<strong> I don't believe for one second that you ladies don't expect a little involvement from your bridal party</strong>. I did not ask to have her plan my wedding just be involved somewhat. Maybe this is a "regional" thing. It's common around here for the BM's to help. But to each his own. I am not mad for your opinions. The lunch was something nice, a thank you for them saying yes. I don't konw why I am trying to explain myself.
    Posted by Megan0416[/QUOTE]

    I didn't expect any involvement, <strong><u>ever</u></strong>, and that was perfectly ok with me...in fact I liked it that way. 

    I also agree with PP...stop with all the stupid "regional" crap.  You are not allowed to be pissed at your MOH because she hasn't put her life on hold to help you out with your wedding.  Sometimes BMs want to be involved in the planning but sometimes they don't...it is their choice and nothing that you should get offended over.

  • edited December 2011
    Who said I was offended? I understand that, that wasn't the question at all. The concern is should I give the BM who is helping the "title" of MOH.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:bbab9943-2c30-4914-84f0-858a4aad06c9Post:908bb5f3-0836-4a09-beba-ec9f2b326f38">Re: Maid of Honor Issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]Who said I was offended? I understand that, that wasn't the question at all. The concern is should I give the BM who is helping the "title" of MOH.
    Posted by Megan0416[/QUOTE]

    You're still not getting it.  The MOH is a person who is close to you. It's not about who works the hardest.

    That your FI is not there is a bummer.  It still doesn't mean that your BMs and MOH are now your wedding planners.  However I DO get to judge what you're asking since you said,

    [QUOTE]Since I have started planning she has not been around to help at all, has missed all of the bridesmaids dress fitting, all of my dress trying on, and the bridesmaids dinner I took the girls out to. I am looking to my bridal party for ideas as my FI is in the military and lives far away. Every time I ask her if she wants to help or come, she never has time. I am not asking her to be at my beck and call but I would like her to participate in the wedding party activities.

     I really want to not have her as my maid of honor. [/QUOTE]

    You're wanting to treat the role as if you're rewarding someone for doing stuff and not for being your friend.  Your wedding is yours to plan.  If people offer to help that's great but it's not required.  And you shouldn't talk poorly about your friend because she's busy 5 months before your wedding.
  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:bbab9943-2c30-4914-84f0-858a4aad06c9Post:908bb5f3-0836-4a09-beba-ec9f2b326f38">Re: Maid of Honor Issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]Who said I was offended? I understand that, that wasn't the question at all. <strong>The concern is should I give the BM who is helping the "title" of MOH.</strong>
    Posted by Megan0416[/QUOTE]

    <div>No. </div>
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  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    OP, listen to Banana.  What she's saying is what you don't seem to be understanding.  The role of MOH is an honor that you bestow on the person you're closest with not who helps you the most.  You've already chosen your MOH and BM.  Changing things around will start to hurt feelings.  


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  • edited December 2011
    Thank you. You are right about that. I love my best friend and would never want to hurt her. I will keep her as my MOH and recognize the other friend in my own special way.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I think that's great. If my friend helped me a ton I'd definitely come up with fun/cute ways to thank her.
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:bbab9943-2c30-4914-84f0-858a4aad06c9Post:c31c8ae7-aa2f-4920-95ad-c104502f3cc5">Re: Maid of Honor Issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]I do get it. I never said she did anything wrong. My bridesmaids know who I am. None of them think I am a bitch or controlling. In fact I am incredibly easy going. When I asked them to be in my wedding I asked if they would be willing to help me out with things since FI is in the military and living across the country. So I don't think you have the right to judge what I am asking. I am completely alone trying to do something that I have no clue about. My other BMs are happy to help and have done so. I haven't asked at all for help other than emails of do you like this or that.
    Posted by Megan0416[/QUOTE]
    You're in the wrong here, period.  It is NOT your bridesmaids' job to help you plan your wedding, whether or not your FI is being helpful.  IT IS NOT THEIR JOB.  It's awesome that some of your friends - who just happen to also be bridesmaids - have the time, ability, and desire to help you with your wedding.  Think of that as an awesome bonus.  Your friend who isn't helping is not doing anything wrong, and you're out of line to want to kick her out of your wedding for not being your willing wedding biitch.  Again, IT IS NOT HER JOB. 

    MOH and Bridesmaid are roles that you give out to those closest to you in order to honor THEM for their role in your life.  It is not a job with responsibilities that they are responsible for. 



  • rfaivrecarverrfaivrecarver member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
     I wanted my MOH by my side as often as possible for a little while, and I had high expectations. Hey I'm human, I want my bridal party to be thinking about me nonstop. I am admitting to it, yeah I was. It didn't last- the reality is they have their own lives. One is in another state, and my MOH has a full schedule too. We do what we can, and it is great once I let go of ideas and expectations. I stopped expecting. Something amazing happened I have found out why I picked my girls. They are so amazing, and I am so lucky to have them in my life. I am so grateful for all they have done for me. I know you are too. 
    That is the stuff we need to think of when our old ideas come creeping back in.
    I know you are not going to demote. So I wont lecture you on that.
    But I think finding our ladies a great gift for being so awesome is going to be a highlight for me, you as well!
    Lots of luck!!!!
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