HELP! Am i being Silly???

kristenandtim2010 · June 2010

Hello!!

So I have six bridesmaids in our wedding party. One of which who is a childhood friend from kindergarten, almost like a sister.

This friend/bridesmaid just told me today that she is trying to plan a vacation with her bf (which is wonderful!) and is trying to hurry me along with dates for any and all events. Literally today she has sent me 3 texts and emails about when will i know dates for showers and/or bachelorette party...

Here is the kicker...Wedding is October 2nd this year (wooo hoo four months today!) and she is looking to go and come back the day before the rehearsal dinner.

I am a little miffed. She is trying to rush me along with something that i dont really have a part of (planning those events), and on top of that, knowing her as well as I do, she would be FURIOUS for whatever reason if she knew i was trying to plan a vacation and come back days before the wedding.

I am a total non-bridezilla, i dont expect 2010 to be all about me and my wedding the entire year...but in the weeks/days before, ya kinda i do. Especially from my bridesmaids. Yes dates need to be finalized and soon, but i feel as if her vacation is more important than my wedding (again, not that everything is about me, but HELP!)
I NEED SOME INSIGHT. Am i wrong in feeling like this?

[Deleted User] · June 2010

Actually, the only day that's all about you and your wedding is October 2, 2010. Not the days/weeks leading up to it.

Tell her to plan her vacation whenever she wants. If she wants to know dates for a bridal shower or bach party, then she'll have to talk to the other BMs because you have no part in that planning. If you aren't having the parties, or even if you are, she can take a trip on the dates she so prefers. her vacation is more important than your wedding, in her mind, and should be.

aerinpegadrak · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-being-silly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:639ea75d-4a46-4e03-9026-16c2239c8389Post:dc468c8e-7557-4853-be77-51f59345cf5a">HELP! Am i being Silly???</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello!! So I have six bridesmaids in our wedding party. One of which who is a childhood friend from kindergarten, almost like a sister. This friend/bridesmaid just told me today that she is trying to plan a vacation with her bf (which is wonderful!) and is trying to hurry me along with dates for any and all events. Literally today she has sent me 3 texts and emails about when will i know dates for showers and/or bachelorette party... Here is the kicker...Wedding is October 2nd this year (wooo hoo four months today!) and she is looking to go and come back the day before the rehearsal dinner. I am a little miffed. She is trying to rush me along with something that i dont really have a part of (planning those events), and on top of that, knowing her as well as I do, she would be FURIOUS for whatever reason if she knew i was trying to plan a vacation and come back days before the wedding. I am a total non-bridezilla, i dont expect 2010 to be all about me and my wedding the entire year...but in the weeks/days before, ya kinda i do. Especially from my bridesmaids. Yes dates need to be finalized and soon, but i feel as if her vacation is more important than my wedding (again, not that everything is about me, but HELP!) I NEED SOME INSIGHT. Am i wrong in feeling like this?
Posted by kristenandtim2010[/QUOTE]
It sounds like she's trying to be accommodating and be able to do both. Why can't you pick a date now? This is about the timeframe when showers and bachelorettes get planned anyway, it's not unreasonable for her to try to get a date from you so you can actually, ya know, attend. If all of the dates will work for you, just tell her that and let her settle on the final date.

emilyinchile · June 2010

Just respond "I'm really not sure about dates for those events because I'm not planning them and don't want to make anyone else feel pressured to plan for me! I'd be happy to tell you which dates I'm free though if you'd like to start planning something."

I think it's fine to say that you're worried about anyone in the BP flying into town the day of the rehearsal since there could be delays, but bugging her about it would be overkill. Yeah, it's unfortunate that she's planning to do this, but she'll probably make it to the rehearsal/RD, and if she doesn't then the world won't end.

AutumnFair · June 2010

You are being silly.

Many times when it comes to work you have to use so much vacation time and she's probably just trying to fit her vacation close enough within that period.

As for her bothering about the dates for showes/bach party. Just tell her that you aren't apart of that planning process and that its totally fine if she can't make one of the parties.

Definitely let this go. I'm sure you would be annoyed if someone expected you to think that their wedding is more important than a much needed vacation.

tidetravel · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-being-silly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:639ea75d-4a46-4e03-9026-16c2239c8389Post:dc468c8e-7557-4853-be77-51f59345cf5a">HELP! Am i being Silly???</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello!! So I have six bridesmaids in our wedding party. One of which who is a childhood friend from kindergarten, almost like a sister. This friend/bridesmaid just told me today that she is trying to plan a vacation with her bf (which is wonderful!) and is trying to hurry me along with dates for any and all events. Literally today she has sent me 3 texts and emails about when will i know dates for showers and/or bachelorette party... Here is the kicker...Wedding is October 2nd this year (wooo hoo four months today!) and she is looking to go and come back the day before the rehearsal dinner. I am a little miffed. She is trying to rush me along with something that i dont really have a part of (planning those events), and on top of that, knowing her as well as I do, she would be FURIOUS for whatever reason if she knew i was trying to plan a vacation and come back days before the wedding. I am a total non-bridezilla, i dont expect 2010 to be all about me and my wedding the entire year...but in the weeks/days before, ya kinda i do. Especially from my bridesmaids. Yes dates need to be finalized and soon, but i feel as if her vacation is more important than my wedding (again, not that everything is about me, but HELP!) I NEED SOME INSIGHT. Am i wrong in feeling like this?
Posted by kristenandtim2010[/QUOTE]

Yes and no. I would be irritated that she's trying to hurry you to make decisions about parties that aren't within your control. However, it seems like she's doing that so that she can TRY to be there for you, and schedule HER vacation around YOUR parties. You cannot expect her to block of X number of weeks for your wedding. If she and her boyfriend want to take a vacation, they are entitled to it. If those are the weeks that work for them, then it is what it is. Pre-wedding parties are not mandatory, and it's really OK if she misses them. As long as she's there for the wedding, that is what is important.

AdeleDazeem · June 2010

Lots of people travel to weddings and arrive the day of the rehearsal. I don't think that's anything to freak out about.

And, honestly, she is trying to be there for you to do and do the best she can. But, her vacation is exciting to her (as it should be!). I would just tell her that you don't the know dates of those things and can't rush people along, but if her vacation overlaps with them, then not to worry about rearranging anything to be there. You understand that this is how things go.

suz62984 · June 2010

Tell her that you aren't involved in bachlorette and shower planning so you don't know dates. Tell her to plan her trip and if she can't make a shower or bach. party it isn't a big deal. Pre-bridal events are also not required. If the BMs can make it than great, but if not than oh well. She's a big girl and can plan for herself. As long as she is there for the wedding, since that is the only day that is about you, than goody.

SarahPLiz · June 2010

Yes, you are being silly. She doens't need to be there before the rehearsal at all.

trix1223 · June 2010

What does she need to do "days before the wedding?" If the parties fall in that time frame, she may miss them.

But I'm not sure why you're miffed that she wants to take a vacation somewhere in the WEEKS before your wedding should be off limits to her.

You're being silly. Relax.

frogurt814 · June 2010

One of our GMs will be flying in on the day of our wedding. He has a final to take the day before and would not be able to get a flight that night. I'm not mad at him. I'm a little sad that he won't be there to enjoy a nice dinner with us, but hopefully he will be able to stay in town for a few days after the wedding, so we can take him out for dinner.

I'd say just get over it.

mbcdefg · June 2010

I can understand being annoyed that she keeps bugging you over something you have no control over, and also being annoyed if you were in the reverse situation and she got mad at you for taking a vacation.

But don't let it bother you. Because there's no sense in getting upset over it, because it won't make any difference except to get you all bothered and angry.

Just tell her one final time that she isn't obligated to schedule her life around your wedding, and if she has any concerns over the dates then she should speak to whoever's hosting the pre-wedding parties. Then just don't discuss it anymore.

kristenandtim2010 · June 2010

Thanks guys. I told her that I told my MOH to try to get some finalized dates asap so she can book her trip. I told her with it being that close, she could miss a few things, but ultimately it's her decision!

I also said for her to talk to my MOH and try to help her expedite the process of deciding on things. that's pretty much all i can do!

JDM143 · June 2010

I don't really think you're being silly. Since the bridesmaids host the pre-wedding parties, it would be sort of unfair to the other bridesmaids if one picks up and shoots out...Also I think when you sign up to be a BM you have to be aware of the monetary commitment as well as the time commitment to showers, etc. Otherwise if you just want show up day of the wedding, say you can't be a BM and just be a guest.

And coming in the day before the wedding, Yikes! That would totally stress me out. Like someone previously mentioned what if the flight is delayed or there's a storm and it's cancelled and she misses the wedding.. crazier things have happened.

I think the advice previously posted, "I'm not planning those dates so I don't know. etc" is fine, you can't really do anything about it other than that. But I just wanted to post and say, No I don't think you're being silly.

mbcdefg · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-being-silly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:639ea75d-4a46-4e03-9026-16c2239c8389Post:206409bd-f25c-4576-8eca-4cfada41269c">Re: HELP! Am i being Silly???</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't really think you're being silly. Since the bridesmaids host the pre-wedding parties, it would be sort of unfair to the other bridesmaids if one picks up and shoots out...Also I think when you sign up to be a BM you have to be aware of the monetary commitment as well as the time commitment to showers, etc. Otherwise if you just want show up day of the wedding, say you can't be a BM and just be a guest.
Posted by JDM143[/QUOTE]

So someone doesn't deserve to be a bridesmaid if something occurs where she can pay for or attend the pre-wedding parties?

What happened back in the days when there weren't all these pre-wedding parties, and bridesmaids were just asked to - you know - participate in the wedding?

frogurt814 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-being-silly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:639ea75d-4a46-4e03-9026-16c2239c8389Post:206409bd-f25c-4576-8eca-4cfada41269c">Re: HELP! Am i being Silly???</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't really think you're being silly. Since the bridesmaids host the pre-wedding parties, it would be sort of unfair to the other bridesmaids if one picks up and shoots out...Also I think when you sign up to be a BM you have to be aware of the monetary commitment as well as the time commitment to showers, etc. Otherwise if you just want show up day of the wedding, say you can't be a BM and just be a guest. And coming in the day before the wedding, Yikes! That would totally stress me out. Like someone previously mentioned what if the flight is delayed or there's a storm and it's cancelled and she misses the wedding.. crazier things have happened. I think the advice previously posted, "I'm not planning those dates so I don't know. etc" is fine, you can't really do anything about it other than that. But I just wanted to post and say, No I don't think you're being silly.
Posted by JDM143[/QUOTE]

One of my BMs couldn't make it to my shower because she had to work. No one, including the other BMs felt slighted by her not being there.

The only jobs the BMs have to do are buy the dress, show up on the day of the wedding, stand there, and smile for pictures. They are not required to throw you parties.

Like I mentioned before, one of our GMs is flying in on the DAY OF our wedding. If his flight is delayed, or if there is a storm, then he will miss the ceremony. Will I be sad that he wasn't there to share it with us since he's obviously important to us? Yes. Will it ruin our wedding? No. Just as long as FI and I are there...that's all we really need.

gottahavashorti · June 2010

You should expect help from your FI in the days before the wedding, not your WP. The only time either of us has seen one of my BILs in the last two months have been part of FI's bachelor party and the entire day of the wedding. Not the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, FI's graduation or his mom's night-before-wedding cookout (which I also skipped). He was busy studying and I would not have dragged him away from that, nor would I tell someone not to go on vacation. Other WP members were working in the days before the rehearsal.

Let her know that you aren't aware of any pre-wedding parties or refer her to those planning them if someone has offered to plan them. Then be grateful that your friend is scheduling her vacation around your rehearsal and wedding, because she doesn't even have to go to the rehearsal.

JoyTate1 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-being-silly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:639ea75d-4a46-4e03-9026-16c2239c8389Post:206409bd-f25c-4576-8eca-4cfada41269c">Re: HELP! Am i being Silly???</a>:
[QUOTE] And coming in the day before the wedding, Yikes! That would totally stress me out. Like someone previously mentioned what if the flight is delayed or there's a storm and it's cancelled and she misses the wedding.. crazier things have happened.
Posted by JDM143[/QUOTE]
We have a groomsman who will be in Kosovo on our wedding day. Does it make me sad? Yes. Does it have any baring on whether or not at the end of the day I am married? No.

Also, EVERYONE, including my FI and myself is coming in the day before the wedding, because it is out of town. It's not a big deal.

OP, you have the right idea. I am glad you told her you would figure out dates and to contact your MOH.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · June 2010

As long as she comes back to be there for your rehearsal and wedding I don't think you have much to gripe about.

And if she needs to know info about your showers and bachelorrette party, she needs to ask your other bridesmaids.

emilyinchile · June 2010

Just for the record, since she's agreeing with the actual advice that I gave, I do not agree with JDM. And honestly, I kind of take back my point about flights being delayed - I said that because for my wedding, the people coming from the US only have one flight a day to Chile. If they'd planned to get here the day of the rehearsal and missed it, they would have been arriving the morning of the wedding, somewhat jet-lagged and very tired from a 15hr+ flight. If she's going on vacation somewhere relatively close by, she can probably get another flight that same day, no big deal.

leeshab1982 · June 2010

I definitely think that her texting/emailing you 3 times today about this is annoying. If any bride texted/called a BM about something WR 3 times in one day, I know this board would be quick to point that out to her. I can understand you feeling a little irritated about that, especially since she's asking for information that you can't provide her with.

On the other hand, she really has no obligations to you or your wedding until the wedding day. She probably has no ill intentions and is just trying to plan a fun vacation. Don't get worked up about it. Just forward her the contact info of the person or people planning the shower/bachelorette and let them give her the dates.

JDM143 · June 2010

LOL - this is hilarious, I haven't looked at this in a while, and I didn't realize I was going to be initializing such a provocative discussion.

My intention was to sympathize with the bride whose feelings were hurt. Listen, folks, I agreed with the advice given, it's not like I said you should kick that B* out of your wedding - I simply was acknowledging that it stinks when your BMs don't want to be around to celebrate with you pre-wedding.

For those who were saying I thought it would ruin the wedding - I never said that.

But good luck to you & all your BMs clearly they have very passionate brides on their hands.

bablingbrooke · June 2010

MIL scheduled our rehearsal for 2 pm on a Thursday. None of my BMs could make it. They figured out what to do , I wasn't upset, I survived. It was a bit of a bummer at first but it worked out. OP will survive too.

The reason people reacted the way they did to your post, JDM, is that many MANY times 20 people will respond to a thread and say "X is a really bad idea." Then ONE person posts, "Oh hunny it's your speshul DAAAAY so you do X as much as you want because it's all about YOU!!!1!!!" Then OP says, "Thanks for sticking up for me!!!!" and does X. Maybe it's not best to react like that to your statement, I'm just letting you know the psychology behind it. The way you wrote it initially, it sounded like you were implying she didn't "deserve" to be in the WP, but you clarified, which is good

LD1970 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-being-silly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:639ea75d-4a46-4e03-9026-16c2239c8389Post:18f1aa9d-7b64-4d18-8a59-01d9ac494c5e">Re: HELP! Am i being Silly???</a>:
[QUOTE]Just respond "I'm really not sure about dates for those events because I'm not planning them and don't want to make anyone else feel pressured to plan for me! I'd be happy to tell you which dates I'm free though if you'd like to start planning something." I think it's fine to say that you're worried about anyone in the BP flying into town the day of the rehearsal since there could be delays, but bugging her about it would be overkill. Yeah, it's unfortunate that she's planning to do this, but she'll probably make it to the rehearsal/RD, and if she doesn't then the world won't end.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]
I'd just repeat this, so I'll quote it here.

HELP! Am i being Silly???

Re: HELP! Am i being Silly???

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