Does this make me a bad friend?

Chelseaclayy · July 2012

I'm a BM in my friend's wedding. The bachelorette party is a little over a month away. She texted me yesterday saying how much the hotel would be for the 3 day bachelorette party.

I sat down and looked at my finances. The bottom line is that I just can't afford it. I had an unexpected expense last week, and with the hotel and three days of partying, there's no way I will be able to make it work.

I'm a college student, so I'm on a very tight budget. I told her that I wouldnt be able to go, and she started saying that she could pay my way, ect. I would NEVER be comfortable borrowing money from a friend unless it was a life or death emergency. I told her that, and today, she won't answer my calls.

I feel terrible. Am I a bad friend? Any advice on how to salvage this?

willywally5 · July 2012

Totally NOT a bad friend. I agree with PP that she is just bummed out about it and will come back to reality in a few days. Once she thinks about it, she should understand. If she doesn't talk to you after a few days, then you may have problem. Hoping for the best!

DramaGeek · July 2012

No, you're not a bad friend, but try to see it from her end. You told her you couldn't go because you couldn't afford it, so she said she'd pay and you still won't go. Can you see why she might think there's something more going on there?

Give it some time. Is it close enough that you could join them for dinner one night or something?

(also, I don't understand where all these big trips came from. 'Back in my day' we just did a night out and maybe stay the night at someone's house!)

sbc2013 · July 2012

NO, you are not a bad friend! This event is supposed to be planned solely by people other than the bride (she can give input if she is asked for it), but it seems from your post that the bride is planning things herself, since she contacted you to tell you how much a hotel would be. While I totally understand wanting to do what she desires for a party that is for her and I agree with PP that she is probably just disappointed, the bachelorette party (and all pre-wedding events that are hosted for the bride) are supposed to be planned so they are within the means of the hosts/guests. Who came up with the hotel idea? Was it a request of the bride or was that suggested by the BM's/other girls attending? Even if it was your idea originally and you now can't afford it because of the unexpected cost, I would approach the bride again (text her if you need to, since she isn't returning your calls...) and say, "___, I'm really sorry to have to change the plans for your party, but I hope you understand that I would make it happen if I could, and I simply am not OK with borrowing money from you to attend an event in your honor." Maybe come up with some other ideas in lieu of the original plan and run them by her, since it seems she wants to have a say. Ultimately, you are not a bad friend. If the bride is a good friend, she will understand that.

Chelseaclayy · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_does-this-make-me-a-bad-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:103fc513-5977-4b86-9e2d-04d2cb10e9d8Post:303738c7-c4be-4fcf-89cb-a5ce01043c13">Re: Does this make me a bad friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]No, you're not a bad friend, but try to see it from her end. <strong>You told her you couldn't go because you couldn't afford it, so she said she'd pay and you still won't go. Can you see why she might think there's something more going on there?</strong> Give it some time. Is it close enough that you could join them for dinner one night or something? (also, I don't understand where all these big trips came from. 'Back in my day' we just did a night out and maybe stay the night at someone's house!)
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

<div>Thank you for all the responses. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but we've never had an argument or disagreement, so it just feels awkward. </div><div>
</div><div>As for the bolded, I totally understand that. I was stunned when she said that she would pay for it, and it took me a while to respond. It was very sweet of her to offer, but I still think it's a bad idea. I realize that to her, her bachelorette party is very important. But to me, it's not important enough to borrow money over. (obviously, I would never say that to her.)</div>

Chelseaclayy · July 2012

SBC, it was not planned by her. The MOH planned everything, but I've only met her once, so the bride texted me saying that I needed to give her (the bride) the money so she could give it to the MOH.

DramaGeek · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_does-this-make-me-a-bad-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:103fc513-5977-4b86-9e2d-04d2cb10e9d8Post:f442d789-1fc1-4798-8c0a-7e014baccace">Re: Does this make me a bad friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Does this make me a bad friend? : Thank you for all the responses. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but we've never had an argument or disagreement, so it just feels awkward. As for the bolded, I totally understand that. I was stunned when she said that she would pay for it, and it took me a while to respond. It was very sweet of her to offer, but I still think it's a bad idea. I realize that to her, her bachelorette party is very important. But to me, it's not important enough to borrow money over. (obviously, I would never say that to her.)
Posted by Chelseaclayy[/QUOTE]

<div>I 100% get it (and I wouldn't have been comfortable taking the money either).</div>

sbc2013 · July 2012

Ah, got it. Makes sense. But I still don't think you should feel like a bad friend. Would you be able to attend any part of it without staying at the hotel?

Chelseaclayy · July 2012

I did tell her that I would like to make it up to her by planning something with just the two of us, like a night out to the movies or dinner or something.

I just feel so bad. She's one of my best friends, and I hate disappointing people that I love.

Chelseaclayy · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_does-this-make-me-a-bad-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:103fc513-5977-4b86-9e2d-04d2cb10e9d8Post:1fc8c49d-6bae-4bba-a51e-94c8c538d126">Re: Does this make me a bad friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Does this make me a bad friend? : I see where you're coming from. In my experience, it's best to never mix money and friends, unless it were a serious emergency. Hopefully, she'll get over it. I have a BM who apparently is still holding a grudge against me for not attending either of her B parties four years ago, when I was unemployed, and it's causing a serious rift right now. I should point out that said BM is kind of a spoiled princess. ;)
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

<div>Ha! She does kind of sound like a spoiled princess. Who needs more than one B party??</div><div>
</div><div>I do hope that she'll get over it. We've only known eachother for a little over a year, so I have no idea how she handles these types of situations. </div>

Chelseaclayy · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_does-this-make-me-a-bad-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:103fc513-5977-4b86-9e2d-04d2cb10e9d8Post:7f3565e2-f166-47f4-8fc9-4456fa9d5563">Re: Does this make me a bad friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ah, got it. Makes sense. But I still don't think you should feel like a bad friend. Would you be able to attend any part of it without staying at the hotel?
Posted by sbc2013[/QUOTE]

<div>I actually haven't thought of that. It's only about an hour and a half away, so I guess I could make the drive to have dinner with them. </div><div>
</div><div>I hate to admit it, but I would probably be embarassed for everyone to know that was all I could afford. </div>

nextrightthing · July 2012

It doesn't make you a bad friend. If you can make part of it, you might consider trying to do so. You don't have to tell people that's all you can afford....you don't have to give them a reason at all, kwim?

melb2013 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_does-this-make-me-a-bad-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:103fc513-5977-4b86-9e2d-04d2cb10e9d8Post:303738c7-c4be-4fcf-89cb-a5ce01043c13">Re: Does this make me a bad friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]No, you're not a bad friend, but try to see it from her end. You told her you couldn't go because you couldn't afford it, so she said she'd pay and you still won't go. Can you see why she might think there's something more going on there? Give it some time. Is it close enough that you could join them for dinner one night or something? <strong>(also, I don't understand where all these big trips came from. 'Back in my day' we just did a night out and maybe stay the night at someone's house!)</strong>
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I know, right! I always want to know- who actually planned this out? For example, OP obviously didn't plan this party, but she's being expected to shell out an awful lot of money. I really think that if there MUST be some huge trip for a bachelorette party, then make sure every bridesmaid agrees to it first. My friend was a bridesmaid and the bride planned a bachelorette weekend in ICELAND! And she expected everyone to pay for themselves to get there and be there.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, I agree with PPs that your are not a bad friend and hopefully she'll snap out of it soon. We all have financial limitations- your friends should have asked you what your budget was before planning this party.</div><div>
</div><div>Edit: I just read that the MOH planned the party... she shouldn't have done that without asking you all first!

</div>

sbc2013 · July 2012

I think your idea of going out for a "just the two of you" night would be great. You can still do bachelorette-y things, even. I think that if your friend hasn't behaved this way before, she probably is just disappointed, but will get over it and realize that you aren't doing this to hurt her.

As far as driving to meet them for a dinner or something and making it known that it was all you could afford, if anyone judges you for it, they suck. You are a student. I would guess that since you are a BM, most if not all of the guests would know that about you. I am also a student, and I think the fact that you took the time to see if you could afford this a month in advance says a lot. People should understand, and if they don't or judge you for it, they double suck.

As a not so relevant aside, I was a BM planning a B party for one of my best friends just a few months ago. The bride had several requests, AKA demands. We felt really guilty not doing what she wanted (and no one was willing to speak up to say it was out of our means) and I ended up being in charge of collecting the money for the largest expense we had, which means I had to pay for it up front. I felt embarassed, but I acted like a total nightmare to all the guests because I was so freaking worried that they wouldn't pay me their portion later, or "forget" to bring it. At the time I felt that they must all secretly think I am a lunatic. I am positive I was judged for said lunacy. Now I could care less.

Simply Fated · July 2012

It definitely doesn't make you a bad friend and I wouldn't borrow that kind of money from a friend, either.
Give it some time and it'll blow over once she gets over it. It was super rude of them to go ahead and plan something as big as that without even consulting you about the price, first.
Stick to the offer you made about taking her out another night and and have fun!

melb2013 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_does-this-make-me-a-bad-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:103fc513-5977-4b86-9e2d-04d2cb10e9d8Post:4a46480a-1041-4fe9-afdd-df32e8ab2805">Re: Does this make me a bad friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think your idea of going out for a "just the two of you" night would be great. You can still do bachelorette-y things, even. I think that if your friend hasn't behaved this way before, she probably is just disappointed, but will get over it and realize that you aren't doing this to hurt her. As far as driving to meet them for a dinner or something and making it known that it was all you could afford, if anyone judges you for it, they suck. You are a student. I would guess that since you are a BM, most if not all of the guests would know that about you. I am also a student, and I think the fact that you took the time to see if you could afford this a month in advance says a lot. People should understand, and if they don't or judge you for it, they double suck. As a not so relevant aside, I was a BM planning a B party for one of my best friends just a few months ago. <strong>The bride had several requests, AKA demands. We felt really guilty not doing what she wanted (and no one was willing to speak up to say it was out of our means) and I ended up being in charge of collecting the money</strong> for the largest expense we had, which means I had to pay for it up front. I felt embarassed, but I acted like a total nightmare to all the guests because I was so freaking worried that they wouldn't pay me their portion later, or "forget" to bring it. At the time I felt that they must all secretly think I am a lunatic. I am positive I was judged for said lunacy. Now I could care less.
Posted by sbc2013[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>So I'm feeling in a similar situation right now for a shower. The bride is a relative and I'm the only family member in her WP. She has been rather demanding for the shower. Her mom is footing most of the bill, but it's looking like I'll be footing the rest of it by myself. None of the other BMs are offering to do or pay for anything... I'm kind of annoyed...

</div>

DramaGeek · July 2012

If you want to go to dinner, its in the budget and you don't mind the drive, then go. All anyone needs to know is that you're not able to do the weekend but you're happy you get to be there for dinner at least. For all they know you have a class Saturday morning that you can't miss.

sbc2013 · July 2012

Mel, I'm not sure what the E is on this, but I think that if the BM's are hosting the shower along with the bride's mom, you need to ask them to split the leftover cost with you. I know it is a big no-no when it comes to asking for money/gifts/etc for your own wedding, but are you supposed to do in a case like this, just take the cost onto yourself?? I'm sure we will get answers on what is proper, but personally, I don't even know that I would ASK the other BM, I would just outright tell them, "____ is the leftover cost we have, so split ___ ways it will be ____ per person." And then depending on your comfort level with them/your own finances, tell them you need it by X date prior to the shower or that you will pay for it up front, but they need to bring their portion to the shower. The other BM's for this wedding were all long-term, high-school friends of mine, and I STILL felt like I was getting answers that were too wishy-washy about money being reimbursed.

If you can muster up the courage, I would just talk to the bride. I wish I would have, and if I'm ever in that situation again, I will. The amount of stress it caused was not worth not having a conversation with her about expectations.

libby2483 · July 2012

A friend whose wedding I was recently in had a bachelorette party in Las Vegas. Orginally, I told her I thought I would be able to go, but when I learned there was a possibility I might be reduced to part time at work, I could no longer afford to attend. In fact, several girls were not able to attend because of the cost (the event was planned without really consulting anyone), so I coordinated a smaller bachelorette party with just a few ladies at home. It was very low key - just tapas and drinks. The bride understood I couldn't come and appreciated the effort to do something else at home. I think that your idea of just having a night out with the bride later on sounds lovely.

melb2013 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_does-this-make-me-a-bad-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:103fc513-5977-4b86-9e2d-04d2cb10e9d8Post:9e5e112e-45aa-4e1a-be0d-a4dd0ae404e9">Re: Does this make me a bad friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]Mel, I'm not sure what the E is on this, but I think that if the BM's are hosting the shower along with the bride's mom, you need to ask them to split the leftover cost with you. I know it is a big no-no when it comes to asking for money/gifts/etc for your own wedding, but are you supposed to do in a case like this, just take the cost onto yourself?? I'm sure we will get answers on what is proper, but personally, I don't even know that I would ASK the other BM, I would just outright tell them, "____ is the leftover cost we have, so split ___ ways it will be ____ per person." And then depending on your comfort level with them/your own finances, tell them you need it by X date prior to the shower or that you will pay for it up front, but they need to bring their portion to the shower. The other BM's for this wedding were all long-term, high-school friends of mine, and I STILL felt like I was getting answers that were too wishy-washy about money being reimbursed. If you can muster up the courage, I would just talk to the bride. I wish I would have, and if I'm ever in that situation again, I will. The amount of stress it caused was not worth not having a conversation with her about expectations.
Posted by sbc2013[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm honestly not sure what to do. One of the BM lives across the country and isn't coming to the shower. She emailed us to let us know that she wasn't coming and therefore wouldn't be contributing. The only completely local BM emailed us to let us know that she's busy and doesn't have any money for this. There is one other BM who just had a baby a couple of weeks ago... I feel weird talking to the bride since she's my soon-to-be in law. If it was a friend, I would totally say something, but this is awkward.

</div>

Snippylynn · July 2012

I have a feeling this party will have many people that aren't able to attend. The MOH should have checked aroumd to see what people can/want to do instead of having this ridiculous, extravagant, unnecessary party.

pearlaqua · July 2012

OP, you shouldn't feel bad that the MOH planned an event that had a good chance of excluding people.

Lavish parties away from home (for THREE days?!) are not in most people's time/financial budgets, nevermind when attendees are still in college.

The MOH should feel bad when there's a low turnout, not you for being responsible.

pkontk · July 2012

A 3 day bachelorette party sounds rather extreme to me. I'd decline because 3 nights in a hotel is flipping expensive, even if you're sharing a room. People are taking these events to seriously - when all is said and done, its a night out on the town.

I'm sorry that your friend is upset with you, OP. I would also feel uncomfortable with taking money from her, and the MOH really should have checked with everyone before expecting them all to pony up.

Chelseaclayy · July 2012

I thought the MOH should have checked with me as well. But then again, I didn't ask any questions when I was told where we were going I assumed it was a one night type thing. I also feel that three days is extreme. Actually, all of the BMs are college students including the bride. I guess that's why I assumed it would not be an extravagant event.

Simply Fated · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_does-this-make-me-a-bad-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:103fc513-5977-4b86-9e2d-04d2cb10e9d8Post:c8726988-189f-479a-b8cf-8c8751d3ff07">Re:Does this make me a bad friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]I thought the MOH should have checked with me as well. But then again, I didn't ask any questions when I was told where we were going I assumed it was a one night type thing. I also feel that three days is extreme. Actually, all of the BMs are college students including the bride. I guess that's why I assumed it would not be an extravagant event.
Posted by Chelseaclayy[/QUOTE]
Not every college student is the quintessential broke young adult. It's okay to not have the same kind of money as other college students, but it's weird the MOH didn't consider that not everyone is student loan-free. Is the MOH in college?

Does this make me a bad friend?

Re: Does this make me a bad friend?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards