Maid of Honor Issues

bnblonde1607 · February 2012

HELLLPPP!!!!!

I made my sister in law my Maid of Honor (my brother's wife) because:

1. She has been in my family for about 7 years.
2. I some what felt obligated.

As my wedding day approaches (June 30 2012) the duties that I thought she would help with, she has swept under the rug. She has made no mention of a bridal shower, bachlorette party, or helping with small details of the wedding. To make matters worse, I tried on my dress in front of her for the first time and the only thing she could do was criticize my dress choice. I was already second guessing my dress choice and then she went and opened her trap.

My concern is that I feel I picked the wrong person for such a special position just because I felt obligated and I knew it would cause world war 3 if I didn't, but with recent events I feel it'd be best if I went with my original choice.

How on Earth do I tell my sister-in-law that I don't want her as the MOH anymore?

bnblonde1607 · February 2012

So do I just continue to let her say rude things about every choice that I've made. It's not even about her planning parties and helping with details, although from my understanding that's what a MOH does. Its about her total disrespect for my thoughts, feelings, and most importantly....my wedding day.

Life long akwardness is not my concern. The only time her or my brother call is when they need a babysitter

MairePoppy · February 2012

ditto CoveJack

I'm not sure why you felt obligated to make your SIL you MOH if you feel used by her, but that was your mistake. To demote or fire her would amount to a very public slight and would reflect poorly on you, not her.

No you do not have to put up with negative comments from your SIL. You should tell her that her comments about your dress hurt your feelings. You should also stop doubting yourself and looking for validation from your SIL.

vsgal · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b4f45da1-78b4-4a02-97e3-9c5d585ab90aPost:a57db18c-f674-483a-bbc7-f0cd0119bb1b">Re: Maid of Honor Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]So do I just continue to let her say rude things about every choice that I've made. It's not even about her planning parties and helping with details, although from my understanding that's what a MOH does. Its about her total disrespect for my thoughts, feelings, and most importantly....my wedding day. Life long akwardness is not my concern. The only time her or my brother call is when they need a babysitter
Posted by bnblonde1607[/QUOTE]

Life lesson #467: If you can't handle the truth, don't ask for opinions.

Your wedding day is important to you and your FI. For everyone else, it is just a regular Saturday with a party they have to go to. Nobody will care about your wedding as much as you do. Let it go. You stepped into this situation when you picked her. If you did not want her in your bridal party, you should have nipped it as soon as it came up.

Lower your expectations. Movies, books and television have made turned the wedding party roles into a huge mess. They do not have to go to dress fittings. They do not have to do any planning for your wedding or any pre-wedding parties. No one is owed a shower or bachelorette party. I did not get a bach. party and my only shower was cut short after an hour because the hostess got a phone call about an unexpected death. I was more concerned about her well being than having a party. They do not have to put together favors or programs. If you need help, ask FI or hire a planner. The only thing that they have to do is buy a dress and show up sober on the wedding day. Everything else is gravy.

Do not boot her. She has not done anything to deserve it. You will look like the b*tch of the family and will never live it down with anyone on his side, let alone her.

bnblonde1607 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b4f45da1-78b4-4a02-97e3-9c5d585ab90aPost:77c50ad5-8405-49eb-9abd-3df3d537a102">Re: Maid of Honor Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Maid of Honor Issues : Life lesson #467: If you can't handle the truth, don't ask for opinions. [/QUOTE]

First and foremost, I did not ask for opinion she was simply there during a fitting at my house.

[QUOTE] Do not boot her. She has not done anything to deserve it. You will look like the b*tch of the family and will never live it down with anyone on his side, let alone her.
Posted by vsgal[/QUOTE]

As far as being the "b*tch" of the family...I already am that! And I wouldn't be hurting anyone on his side because the posts says that this is my brother's wife.

True, movie and media, etc. have made the MOH role into something more than what it is....I agree. But when I was determining who was going to be in my bridal party she was the one who wanted to step up and do all of these things. I never said that I was "owed" anything! My FI is extremely involved in all the details as well as my planner and my mother. I just live by the rules if you say you are going to do something then you do it.

I guess to all of you that have responded thank you for your feedback, but you aren't here in person and do not know all of the facts behind my thought processes. I simply shared the major details because the other details are of a personal matter for my entire family. I was just asking for some sort of way to handle the situation appropriately

vsgal · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b4f45da1-78b4-4a02-97e3-9c5d585ab90aPost:5ed2975c-5262-446a-a531-e140ae9331da">Re: Maid of Honor Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Maid of Honor Issues : First and foremost, I did not ask for opinion she was simply there during a fitting at my house. As far as being the "b*tch" of the family...I already am that! And I wouldn't be hurting anyone on his side because the posts says that this is my brother's wife. True, movie and media, etc. have made the MOH role into something more than what it is....I agree. But when I was determining who was going to be in my bridal party she was the one who wanted to step up and do all of these things. I never said that I was "owed" anything! My FI is extremely involved in all the details as well as my planner and my mother. <strong>I just live by the rules if you say you are going to do something then you do it. I guess to all of you that have responded thank you for your feedback, but you aren't here in person and do not know all of the facts behind my thought processes</strong>. I simply shared the major details because the other details are of a personal matter for my entire family. I was just asking for some sort of way to handle the situation appropriately
Posted by bnblonde1607[/QUOTE]

Here's the thing. Not everyone is like you. You can't hold people to your behavior standard. You can give 100 people a scenario and ask for their action or response and you will get 100 different responses and 100 different justifications. You can't change her behavior. You can change your reaction to her behavior. Let it go and keep doing your thing. Invite her to do things. Be ready for her to say no. Don't pressure her and don't make this all about you.

Things change. Lives and committments change. When you asked her, she may have been gung-ho to help you. Now maybe not so much. She may be busy with work. She may be busy with the home. She may be stepping back if you are inundating her with wedding talk. You have plenty of time for the wedding.

You: "OMG! I only have 4 months until the wedding! I have no time to do anything!!!"
Her: "OMG! I have 4 months until the wedding. I have plenty of time."

You are right. We don't know you. We go by what you write. You choose to give us only some details, that is what we will respond to. The best way to handle the situation is to change your expectations and your reactions. Booting her will make you the bad guy. Period. You will end the relationship with her. Are you ready to do that? Is this a hill you want to die on concerning a family member?
Unless she has tried to kill you or tried to sleep with your FI, then you are stuck. You should have stood your ground and not asked her to be in the bridal party if you did not want her there. You can say no. You did not have a backbone and now the only thing you can do is tell her when she needs to buy her dress and what time she needs to be at the wedding.

Ali092011 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b4f45da1-78b4-4a02-97e3-9c5d585ab90aPost:5ed2975c-5262-446a-a531-e140ae9331da">Re: Maid of Honor Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Maid of Honor Issues : First and foremost, I did not ask for opinion she was simply there during a fitting at my house. <strong>As far as being the "b*tch" of the family...I already am that! And I wouldn't be hurting anyone on his side because the posts says that this is my brother's wife. </strong> True, movie and media, etc. have made the MOH role into something more than what it is....I agree. But when I was determining who was going to be in my bridal party she was the one who wanted to step up and do all of these things. I never said that I was "owed" anything! My FI is extremely involved in all the details as well as my planner and my mother. I just live by the rules if you say you are going to do something then you do it. I guess to all of you that have responded thank you for your feedback, but you aren't here in person and do not know all of the facts behind my thought processes. I simply shared the major details because the other details are of a personal matter for my entire family. I was just asking for some sort of way to handle the situation appropriately
Posted by bnblonde1607[/QUOTE]

Okay, so... if you're the biitch of the family, and you don't care how anyone feels about you or how your relationship is going to fare in the future...

Why haven't you kicked her out already?

We are telling you that if you don't want to end your friendship with SIL, and make yourself look like a bridezilla, and have your brother and possibly your entire family think you are rude and selfish, don't ask your SIL to step down as MOH.

If you don't care about any of those things, why are you even asking? There is no "nice" way to do what you want to do.

If you have other BMs, they may be planning a shower or b-party for you. It doesn't have to be the MOH. Also, since you're not throwing the parties for yourself, all the hostess has to do is clear the day with you and ask for a guest list. She doesn't need to consult you at all about location, activities, food, etc. Maybe she is planning and just hasn't asked you for your input because she doesn't need to.

nlindsay17 · February 2012

There really is no appropriate way to tell your SIL that you no longer want her to be your MOH.

Maggie0829 · February 2012

Your reasons for picking your MOH wore poor reasons. However, you have picked her and she has done nothing so horrible (like tried to sleep with your FI or tried to kill you) to warrant her being kicked out of your wedding.

If you don't like the comments she is giving about your wedding plans or your dress then don't talk to her about those things.

Also, just because she came forward and wanted to throw you parties and plan things with you is NOT a reason to make someone a MOH, but that ship has sailed.

As a PP said, not everyone is like you. Different people will act differentely when put into the same situation. You need to lower your expectations of what you feel she is supposed to do.

Also, remember this is a family member not a friend...friends come and go but family is forever...do you really want to feel awkward everytime you see her for the rest of your life if you decide to kick her out?

froggatt.clare · February 2012

So you're saying that even though you don't really talk to your brother all that much, you asked his wife to be your MOH?

And now you don't care at all if you end up looking terrible? This will reflect poorly on you in front of your entire family, brother, any other siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles... I'm sure they all know that she is your MOH, and my guess is she'll make it known that you kicked her out of the wedding party.

Viczaesar · February 2012

Unless she tried to murder you in your sleep, you can't kick her out of the role. Suck it up and lower your expectations, and don't invite her to fittings or ask her opinion about wedding-related things.

Viczaesar · February 2012

ALSO, you're getting married June 30. It is now February 14. It's WAY TOO EARLY for either showers or bachelorette parties. Why are you all stressed about them and how she hasn't planned them yet or talked about them yet? You need to chillax.

Meghannsix · February 2012

I have to second everything already said!

chrryblndchick · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b4f45da1-78b4-4a02-97e3-9c5d585ab90aPost:5ed2975c-5262-446a-a531-e140ae9331da">Re: Maid of Honor Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]...but you aren't here in person and do not know all of the facts behind my thought processes.
Posted by bnblonde1607[/QUOTE]

Special snow flake is special!

notyetavet · February 2012

I guess I don't understand how you think that booting your SIL won't cause problems with the family. She is married to your FI's brother. I think your future brother-in-law would be pretty affected.

As PPs have said, the only hard and fast rules to being a bridesmaid (MOHs included) are:

1. Buy the dress

2. Show up to the wedding

Anything else they choose to do is a bonus prize.

bnblonde1607 · February 2012

I've said multiple times that this is my brothers wife. I've also said multiple times that it's not about parties and that my FI as well as my planner and mother are extremely involved in helping with the wedding. Yes I asked for input so your opinions are welcome. If I didn't want an opinion I wouldn't have posted anything, I would've simply made a decision. With that being said thank you to all of you for feedback. I am very grateful for your opinions!!!!!

pretzelgrrl · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_maid-of-honor-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b4f45da1-78b4-4a02-97e3-9c5d585ab90aPost:e1e8dedf-9877-454c-b44f-1a078be0837e">Re: Maid of Honor Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]This is a forum of adults, and we don't tell each other how to talk ("I didn't ask you for....") and you DID ask for opinions by the act of posting. You do not have the right to dictate how others can respond, provided they're polite to you.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
I think the OP meant she didn't ask the sister-in-law for her opinion not that she wasn't asking posters for opinions

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