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MOH - how to inform her of her responsibilities...

KatInAusKatInAus
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
So my MOH has been my best friend since we worked together at our first job, we were 15 yrs old. She lives in another state (about 3 hr drive) and so far has not been very helpful.

The wedding is in March, and being the control freak that I am, I am starting to wonder wether I should say something? She hasn't once asked me about a bridal shower, and I've had arguments (half joking half not) about the hens party - ie: I don't want a stripper and she does etc.

I'm worried that if I don't say something, she isn't going to pull her finger out and get organising! Am I being too controlling? The thought of missing all the things that come with your wedding is really upsetting.
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Re: MOH - how to inform her of her responsibilities...

  • HuckSCHuckSC member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Her responsibilities do not include throwing you a shower or hosting a bachelorette party. She may offer to do these things but it isn't required of her. Stop expecting her to do these things for you and your stress will probably decrease.
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  • KatInAusKatInAus
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I see your point, but I don't agree. Even the MOH guides on the knot suggest that it is part of the MOH role.

    http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx

    I have already said that I am happy to contribute, I don't expect her to foot the bill!

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  • em01092em01092 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The Knot is part of the wedding industry, looking to make money. They encourage a lot of things there that WE on the boards do not. As you said, they SUGGEST it. Sure, it is customary that the MOH throw a shower and B-party, but you cannot demand them. If she is far away, busy with her life, working, has to care for kids, etc, those are all valid reasons for her not to be able to throw you one.

    So yes, I think you are being controlling and it would be rude of you to mention anything about a shower unless your friend brings it up. If she is from out of town, she probably already has a lot on her mind about travel, money, etc and may not have the time or money to throw you these things, or it may not work out logistics wise.

    My bottom line here, my advice is to lower your expectations of your friend. If she or anyone else wishes to throw you a shower, they will offer and ask you when is good for you. Other than giving a good time/day and a guest list, you should have nada to do with shower or B-party planning. You should not contribute, host, or plan a party or shower that is supposed to be thrown in your honor. It's tacky,
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  • lbarr088lbarr088
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Yikes!  BMs are there to stand by you and celebrate with you on the big day, NOT to be slaves.  I do not intend on pushing anything on any of my BMs.  I don't feel entitled to parties, etc... even though they would be nice.  All they have to do is buy their dresses (which we discussed budgets, etc) and show up on the big day. 

    I agree about helping foot the bill, that is very tacky.  Kind of weird to throw a party for yourself is it not?  And also ditto about the MOH rules on TK.  They are industry and will push things like this. 

    I would just relax, that way you wont sit there in a pity party over the possibility of things that "come with a wedding"  (they don't come with it... they are gifts to you from your BMs etc.).  GL!
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  • jagore08jagore08 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-inform-her-of-her-responsibilities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1dad9f8f-a590-4af4-9095-7d40b4e06dc7Post:406a6bf9-e4a8-449c-93d4-c0d1395b9f34">MOH - how to inform her of her responsibilities...</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my MOH has been my best friend since we worked together at our first job, we were 15 yrs old. She lives in another state (about 3 hr drive) and so far has not been very helpful. The wedding is in March, and being the control freak that I am, I am starting to wonder wether I should say something? She hasn't once asked me about a bridal shower, and I've had arguments (half joking half not) about the hens party - ie: I don't want a stripper and she does etc. I'm worried that if I don't say something, she isn't going to pull her finger out and get organising! Am I being too controlling? The thought of missing all the things that come with your wedding is really upsetting.
    Posted by KatInAus[/QUOTE]
    You need to lower your expectations.  Did you ask her because she's your nearest and dearest or because of what she can do for you?
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  • KatInAusKatInAus
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I really didn't know any of this stuff, thanks ladies. I am coming across like a self-serving biatch.

    I'm paying for everything for my girls and have already had drama's with the MOH showing up hungover AND 2 hours late for a dress fitting... I guess I'm feeling like my wedding isn't all that important to said MOH, maybe what it comes down to is I want her to be more interested and involved.
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  • freebread03freebread03 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    You should probably send her a list of responsibilities with a specific timeline for each.  Outlining your expectations is the best way for you to get exactly what you want.  And its your wedding, so obviously you're the boss. 
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  • em01092em01092 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-inform-her-of-her-responsibilities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1dad9f8f-a590-4af4-9095-7d40b4e06dc7Post:d6562db2-8f8b-4a00-941d-27980025978f">Re: MOH - how to inform her of her responsibilities...</a>:
    [QUOTE]You should probably send her a list of responsibilities with a specific timeline for each.  Outlining your expectations is the best way for you to get exactly what you want.  And <span style="font-weight:bold;">its your wedding, so obviously you're the boss.</span> 
    Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]

    Please tell me you're being sarcastic?

    This attitude is not becoming for a bride. A weekend itinerary is fine, as is some info about local motels, dress color/length and whatnot, but responsibilities or expectations is zilla territory. Yes you get to call the shots for your wedding (along with your FI), but it ceases to be "your" day the moment you involve other people. Once you invite guests, their needs and comforts should be taken into account. You won't always please everyone, but just saying F it about any and everything isn't the right way either.
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  • em01092em01092 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: MOH - how to inform her of her responsibilities...:
    [QUOTE]I really didn't know any of this stuff, thanks ladies. I am coming across like a self-serving biatch. I'm paying for everything for my girls and have already had drama's with the MOH showing up hungover AND 2 hours late for a dress fitting... I guess I'm feeling like my wedding isn't all that important to said MOH, maybe what it comes down to is I want her to be more interested and involved.
    Posted by KatInAus[/QUOTE]

    I didn't either, so don't feel bad. Just take all this info with a grain of salt. I'm not trying to be mean to you, just trying to be honest and give you refreshing look on things.
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  • lbarr088lbarr088
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-inform-her-of-her-responsibilities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1dad9f8f-a590-4af4-9095-7d40b4e06dc7Post:bd1be087-5ab3-481f-b139-ba4a058b24f5">Re: MOH - how to inform her of her responsibilities...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I really didn't know any of this stuff, thanks ladies. I am coming across like a self-serving biatch. I'm paying for everything for my girls and have already had drama's with the MOH showing up hungover AND 2 hours late for a dress fitting...<strong> I guess I'm feeling like my wedding isn't all that important to said MOH, maybe what it comes down to is I want her to be more interested and involved.</strong>
    Posted by KatInAus[/QUOTE]

    I'm sure you will hear this but, no one will be more excited about your wedding day than you.  Repeat this to yourself several times.

    It's all a learning experience!  Have fun, don't expect everyone to be perfect and you will enjoy this time SO much more
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  • KatInAusKatInAus
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-inform-her-of-her-responsibilities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1dad9f8f-a590-4af4-9095-7d40b4e06dc7Post:cf459e6a-5852-41c7-b81a-7ea3683700fd">Re: MOH - how to inform her of her responsibilities...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your MOH's duties are to show up to your wedding in the chosen dress, to stand with you at the altar and to hold your bouquet during the ring exchange.  That's it.  Anything more is a bonus, and you should be grateful, not entitled.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    I'm not sure if this is an Australian thing? Every single wedding I've been to in the last year (11!) have involved the MOH hosting a bridal shower and hens party. It's common custom where I live, so of course I have expectations. After posting on this forum, I've realised I may need to lower them considerably.
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  • Muffin'sMomMuffin'sMom
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    At my wedding, many moons ago, my 18 year old sister was my MOH.  My best friend (BM) and her mom threw me a shower because my sister, while lovely, was not up for trying to do it.  My daughter's wedding was different.  MOH was grooms sister.  They are not all that close, just friendly.  Her best friend and co-MOH, threw the shower with the help of a BM.  They are all young and flat broke.  I offered my house, which they've all lived in, and made all the food.  They did the arranging, inviting, decorating and entertaining...and cleaned up!  I was glad to do it because I love all of them dearly.

    Sometimes, someone else is willing to step up!
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-inform-her-of-her-responsibilities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1dad9f8f-a590-4af4-9095-7d40b4e06dc7Post:2bc6c562-70ee-4a06-84b0-b4a37ec369d1">Re: MOH - how to inform her of her responsibilities...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH - how to inform her of her responsibilities... : I'm not sure if this is an Australian thing? Every single wedding I've been to in the last year (11!) have involved the MOH hosting a bridal shower and hens party. It's common custom where I live, so of course I have expectations. After posting on this forum, I've realised I may need to lower them considerably.
    Posted by KatInAus[/QUOTE]
    It's not an Australian thing.  It's common in a lot of places, but it's not required anywhere.  The only thing your MOH is obligated to do is show up to the wedding, clean, sober, and dressed in the chosen attire (chosen with her budget and comfort in mind).  No one owes you a shower or bachelorette (hen) party.  They're gifts and can be given by anyone (other than you).



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  • KatInAusKatInAus
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    . Sometimes, someone else is willing to step up!
    Posted by Muffin'sMom[/QUOTE]

    Very true. One of my BM and my SIL have already asked if they can do it, but I didn't want to fall into the trap of taking it away from the MOH - how can I ask her without sounding like I don't want her to do it? Even though she hasn't expressed any intentions of doing anything.
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  • StephBeanWed61502StephBeanWed61502 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-inform-her-of-her-responsibilities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1dad9f8f-a590-4af4-9095-7d40b4e06dc7Post:89c0c8b6-775a-493f-927a-f71af5658be7">Re: MOH - how to inform her of her responsibilities...</a>:
    [QUOTE]. Sometimes, someone else is willing to step up! Posted by Muffin'sMom[/QUOTE] Very true. One of my BM and my SIL have already asked if they can do it, but I didn't want to fall into the trap of taking it away from the MOH - <strong>how can I ask her without sounding like I don't want her to do it? </strong>Even though she hasn't expressed any intentions of doing anything.
    Posted by KatInAus[/QUOTE]

    <div>You are not the one who should ask her.  Send her contact info to your SIL and BM, give MOH a heads up that they may be calling/e-mailing her soon, and let them work it out amongst themselves.  You should never be involved in planning your own pre-wedding parties.</div>
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  • KatInAusKatInAus
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You are not the one who should ask her.  Send her contact info to your SIL and BM, give MOH a heads up that they may be calling/e-mailing her soon, and let them work it out amongst themselves.  You should never be involved in planning your own pre-wedding parties.
    Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

    I would love for everything to just happen and for me NOT to get involved, but BM - SIL - MOH: none of these girls have ever met!
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    If I were you I'd just graciously accept the SIL's and BMs offer!  like PPs have said it's not ALWAYS the MOH who throws the shower (mine was given by my aunts).  If MOH later asks about a shower you can tell her that SIL and BM offered to throw one and then give her their contact info so she can get involved if she wants to.  I wouldn't give SIL and BM the MOHs info, because then you're basically volunteering her.

    Although, all the girls having each others info isn't a bad idea - I emailed all of mine together several times so they had each others names/emails if they wanted to talk.  My two MOHs, who had never met, friended each other on facebook to plan my b-party together.

    image

     

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I would send out everyone's contact information that is the wedding to each girl.  This way if they want to throw you a bridal shower or bach (hen) party then they can talk with each other and not you.  You, as the bride, should not be involved with the planning of these events except to give an invite list and whether or not strippers should be involved (this should definitely be your decision because it is about your comfort level).  The only thing that you should be concerning yourself with is planning your wedding...trust your bridal party and other friends to plan things for you if they want to.

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  • StephBeanWed61502StephBeanWed61502 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-inform-her-of-her-responsibilities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1dad9f8f-a590-4af4-9095-7d40b4e06dc7Post:737306a3-8cd8-41b4-9783-f8c27033c7c3">Re: MOH - how to inform her of her responsibilities...</a>:
    [QUOTE]You are not the one who should ask her.  Send her contact info to your SIL and BM, give MOH a heads up that they may be calling/e-mailing her soon, and let them work it out amongst themselves.  You should never be involved in planning your own pre-wedding parties. Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE] I would love for everything to just happen and for me NOT to get involved, but BM - SIL - MOH: none of these girls have ever met!
    Posted by KatInAus[/QUOTE]

    That's why you arrange the introduction.  My BMs live all over the country, so introducing them all to each other in-person anytime soon was pretty clearly impossible, so I sent a Facebook message to the whole group, introducing them all to each other.  They've all friended each other on FB, and poof! Now they have each others' contact info!  They don't have to be BFFs to ask each other questions about planning a party.
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  • HuckSCHuckSC member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Yep we coordinated a bachelorette party over Facebook message this past fall with myself only having met one of the other ladies invited. (6 ladies were invited). It worked. The bride had fun and we met before the wedding.
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  • LittleMissCutiePieLittleMissCutiePie
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Her responsibilities: wear the agreed upon dress, walk down the aisle, and possibly hold your flowers and sign the marriage license. The End.
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  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-inform-her-of-her-responsibilities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1dad9f8f-a590-4af4-9095-7d40b4e06dc7Post:2bc6c562-70ee-4a06-84b0-b4a37ec369d1">Re: MOH - how to inform her of her responsibilities...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH - how to inform her of her responsibilities... : I'm not sure if this is an Australian thing? Every single wedding I've been to in the last year (11!) have involved the MOH hosting a bridal shower and hens party. It's common custom where I live, so of course I have expectations. After posting on this forum, I've realised I may need to lower them considerably.
    Posted by KatInAus[/QUOTE]


    There is a difference between 'customary' and 'required'.  In my social circle, it's also customary for the MOH to host, or at least help plan these parties, and most women know this when accepting to be the MOH. 

    However, it is <u>never</u> <em>required</em> for them to do so and if they can't afford, or don't have the time to plan (or attend) these events (or just plain don't want to), then you either don't have them, or someone else can offer to host.

    The point is, it isn't appropriate to bring it up to your MOH because it's not her responsibility to do these things.  The best you can do is put everyone in contact with one another and they can figure out amongst themselves who is doing what, if anything, for any pre-wedding events for you.
    Anniversary
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  • freebread03freebread03 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-inform-her-of-her-responsibilities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1dad9f8f-a590-4af4-9095-7d40b4e06dc7Post:66fc684b-84e8-4534-9240-d39957e567ad">Re: MOH - how to inform her of her responsibilities...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH - how to inform her of her responsibilities... : Please tell me you're being sarcastic? This attitude is not becoming for a bride. A weekend itinerary is fine, as is some info about local motels, dress color/length and whatnot, but responsibilities or expectations is zilla territory. Yes you get to call the shots for your wedding (along with your FI), but it ceases to be "your" day the moment you involve other people. Once you invite guests, their needs and comforts should be taken into account. You won't always please everyone, but just saying F it about any and everything isn't the right way either.
    Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]



    Yikes I was being super sarcastic! I hoped people would pick up on that because sending a list would be the worst.
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  • froggatt.clarefroggatt.clare
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-inform-her-of-her-responsibilities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1dad9f8f-a590-4af4-9095-7d40b4e06dc7Post:737306a3-8cd8-41b4-9783-f8c27033c7c3">Re: MOH - how to inform her of her responsibilities...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would love for everything to just happen and for me NOT to get involved, but BM - SIL - MOH: none of these girls have ever met!
    Posted by KatInAus[/QUOTE]

    After I asked my bridesmaids individually to be part of our wedding, I sent them an email introducing them to each other - for the most part they had either met before or had at least heard about one another.  I wanted to make sure they felt comfortable enough with each other to send emails between themselves if need be, so that's how I approached it.  They may not be each others' best friends by the end of the wedding, but because they're all important to you my guess is they will enjoy each others' company in that regard.  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-cool.gif" border="0" alt="Cool" title="Cool" />
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  • jmalessajmalessa
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Every situation is different for each bride and her bridal party. For instance, I have been in weddings where the whole bridal party works together to plan events such as the bridal shower and bachelorette party, so that it does not fall on the shoulders of one person. I often see bridal showers hosted by the mother of the bride and the bridal party merely helps out, so it really depends on the people and situation. 

    Have you discussed a bridal shower and bachelorette party with the rest of your bridal party? Maybe this is a discussion to have with your entire bridal party and not just the MOH? Good luck! :)

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  • KarenofcourseKarenofcourse member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You are unclear on the responsibilies of a MOH.  Her only responsibility is to show up, wearing what you picked out, at the location at a specific time for the ceremony.  And, in some states, sign a marriage license.  That is all.

    No one owes you a shower.  It is not the responsibility of the MOH.  Nor does she owe you a bach.party. 
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