Do I tell people they aren't in the wedding?

Re: Do I tell people they aren't in the wedding?

• OliveOilsMom member

  

  January 2013

  Ditto Edie.
  
  Also, don't have your neice do the guest book.  That a kinda crap job.  I think it would be fine to have your neice as a BM and have FI's daughter stand up on his side and a Groomswoman.

  

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• Marcie1974 member

  

  January 2013

  The guest book is a Polaroid picture book, and my niece is 17 and loves taking pictures, so that is the purpose for using her there and she is excited about it.  FI's daughter being in the wedding was going to be flower girl initially but she is now a junior bridesmaid along with her young, male cousin being a junior groomsman. 
  
  My concern is telling the girls who won't be BMs vs. not telling them anything at all.  I feel like it would be rude not to address it.  But at the same time, I dont want to make an "announcement" - Hi you arent in my wedding, thanks.  Ya know?  Should I call them up, take them to dinner?  Have them look at the dress with me one day and have a girl's lunch letting them know how much I care about them but family is already decided as the wedding party?  Just kind of unsure how to handle it.

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_do-i-tell-people-they-arent-in-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:168230fe-b902-4614-a574-7463f1036706Post:f13f0849-058a-4f2b-903c-f11f85c5c13e">Do I tell people they aren't in the wedding?</a>:
  [QUOTE]My fiance and I are having a smaller wedding and inviting family and close friends to the ceremony and reception.  I have 4-5 close friends who I think "expect" to be part of the wedding party.  But I have asked my sister, sister-in-law, and the groom's 11 year old daughter to stand up for me, and my niece will do the guest book.  My question is, at some point do I tactfully tell these other ladies that family only will be in the wedding?  It's my wedding and I know it's my choice, but I dont want any hurt feelings.  One woman in particular I believe will be especially hurt and I am thinking of asking her to do a reading.  Suggestions?
  Posted by Marcie1974[/QUOTE]
  
  If you'd like to ask someone to do a reading, that's perfectly okay, but otherwise, you only tell them they're not in the wedding if they ask you first.  You don't bring it up to them yourself.

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• courtski2004 member

  

  January 2013

  What kinds of behavior are you seeing from your friends that makes you think that they are expecting to be included in the BP? I've had friends who got married where I thought *maybe* they would ask me to be a BM, but *maybe* not...they never addressed it and I never asked. I got the point, and after going to their weddings and seeing who was in the BP, I let go of any hard feelings for not being included (friends they had known longer, family only, etc). If they ask, just say that it is family only. If they don't ask, don't take that as a sign that they are still waiting with bated breath for you to ask them to stand up with you.
  
  RE: guestbook attendant: I am always, always reminded of the scene in SATC where Miranda is given the 'b-list friend duty' of monitoring the guest book (season 2 I think?). Hilarious. It made me side eye every guestbook attendant at every wedding I've attended since.

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• Marcie1974 member

  

  January 2013

  I think mainly it's the hinting around like, "when are we going dress shopping?" and "if there's any help you need the day before or of let me know".  Normal things that friends would say, maybe I just feel guilty or paranoid that they are fishing to see when I am going to ask them.  I've been a bridesmaid 7 times and I never expected to be asked, but I dont want hurt feelings.  I have said that the first dress shopping day will be with my mom and sisters and they understand that.  Maybe I should just leave it alone and know they will be fine.  They are grown ups after all.  
  
  BTW So funny about the b-list friend duty!! 

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• Marcie1974 member

  

  January 2013

  Thank you Retread Bride!  You have all been helpful!

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2013

  In Response to Re: Do I tell people they aren't in the wedding?:
  [QUOTE]I think mainly it's the hinting around like, "when are we going dress shopping?" and "if there's any help you need the day before or of let me know".  Normal things that friends would say, maybe I just feel guilty or paranoid that they are fishing to see when I am going to ask them.  I've been a bridesmaid 7 times and I never expected to be asked, but I dont want hurt feelings.  I have said that the first dress shopping day will be with my mom and sisters and they understand that.  Maybe I should just leave it alone and know they will be fine.  They are grown ups after all.   BTW So funny about the b-list friend duty!! 
  Posted by Marcie1974[/QUOTE]
  
  I'd respond to "When are we going dress shopping?" from non-wedding party members with "We aren't."  To people who offer help, just say "Thank you."
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2013 edited January 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_do-i-tell-people-they-arent-in-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:168230fe-b902-4614-a574-7463f1036706Post:d9b1d5ee-4f0a-4414-a8d1-e22f60dd4026">Re: Do I tell people they aren't in the wedding?</a>:
  [QUOTE]To anyone who offers to help:  "Thanks.  I've got it covered." "<strong>When are 'we" going dress shopping?" - Ask them if they have a tapeworm.</strong>
  Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
  
  Lol <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

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• Peledreamsofrain member

  

  January 2013

  Although i'm normally against 'attendants' of any kind, these circumstances seem to be an exception. An 11 year old that loves photography would be over the moon about taking pictures for the guestbook. It's not just 'sign here...sign here.... Sign here... Sign here" that would make any sane person want to start a murderous rampage.

  Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten
  
  
  
  
  
  

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• ETowles

  

  January 2013

  Hi, I am in a similar situation as you--and I think I am going to tell my close friends "Hey we have decided not to do a wedding party for different reasons, but I would love for you to be there with me on my wedding day...You're an important friend in my life..."--something like this so they aren't guessing or waiting to be asked, but know how important they are to you.

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