How do I get past this?

Tandksmommy · October 2012

My fiancee has never been married before, but this is my second wedding. He wants a wedding with all of his family there, and I'd be content to go to an island and keep it small. Because I want this for him, I'm willing to go with the bigger wedding in front of family.
I am struggling with a few issues and while I think it's probably normal I don't know how to get past them.

I'm worried people won't want to come because they were to my first wedding not that long ago. I got married in 2005, we had all kinds of trouble and split twice and my divorce was final April 2012.

I'm not sure how to approach asking my best friends to be my bridal party...again. I'm scared they won't want to spend x amount of money on another dress to be in it.

As the "it's normal" thread says, I'm afraid at how I'm going to be looked at--like I shouldn't be doing this.

right1thistime · October 2012

Why are those people your best friends? Could it be because they love you, want to see you happy and would tell you if you had spinach in your teeth or tp dragging from your shoe? Would it be because they know all your dirty little secrets & would never use them against you?

I thought so.

So I bet you can say, "Hey BFFs, If I promise not to make you wear a butt bow, will you be beside me when I get to marry this incredible guy that makes me so joyfully happy? He wants a big shindig, and he is so perfect & wonderful, that I think its the least I can do. I need you beside me to catch my eyerolls & to giggle with me. What do you think?" I am, of course, guessing that butt bows aren't a must have for him. You can make this fun & easy for your wedding party, and stil have a big to-do. You could always say, pick a little black dress from your closet that looks fabulous on you, or we can go shop for one (every girl needs a LBD, so this they actually COULD get some use out of). As long as it doesn't look skanky, let them wear it.

And if they say that they can't afford it, or the timing doesn't work, or they don't support you marrying him, I assume you are a good enough friend to accept that from them, give them a hug and say, "Of course I understand, and what matters most is having you there as our guest (or having you as my friend, no matter what)"

If you are expecting that they'll buy a haute couture gown, and 3498798573897 accessories, and pony up for a weekend in Vegas, and two showers, a bridal luncheon, spa day and golf tournament, then buy you the most expensive item off of your silver and china heavy registry--you might be disappointed But unless your friends are bad at doing the friend thing, I think you will be pleased. Open a bottle of wine & TALK to them about it. ~Donna

MikesAngie · October 2012

Did your friends support you through your divorce? Are they happy for you? Yes and yes, well then have the conversation with them about being there for you as you pledge your love and vows to your incredible FI.

Just don't ask them to go broke to participate.

Congratulations and welcome to the board.

Lisa50 · October 2012

Or ... you could have just one attendant (or none) and still have all the other bells and whistles. Your marriage will still be valid. Honestly!

As far as worrying about people who may not want to attend, for whatever reasons, don't worry. You can't do anything about their thoughts or choices. Life becomes so much simpler when you're no longer held hostage by what someone else thinks you should do.

Donna's recommendation to TALK to your friends is the best advice. Ever.

Sue-n-Kevin · October 2012

Welcome to the board. LOVE Donna's advice above!

I can't add to what she said, but I will say that when I married my husband last August, it was his THIRD marriage, my first. Not ONE person in his family said anything to anyone (that I know of) about having been to his prior 2 weddings. In fact, his 80-something year old aunt flew in from Missouri, which made us all feel very special.

If the people who stood up with you previously are still your best friends, they will be happy for you. Whether they are willing to take part again in the same way, only they can tell you.

I also totally agree about the little black dresses. Because I'm older and have a teenaged daughter, and a step-daughter who's a teen, and my 2 best friends are also in their 50's like me, I simply decided they could choose the nicest black dress they loved and flattered them, in their various ages/sizes/builds. It was exciting for me to see what they chose, and exciting to shop with my daughter and step daughter at Macy's and Lord & Taylor's, with no drama like a bridal shop (and for much lower purchase prices, LOL).

The wedding you decide to have to THIS man is one you plan together, in spite of your trepidations. Scale down the expectations for your bridal party and you should be fine. I didn't have a bachelorette party, my decision. We didn't have any showers, in spite of the fact my husband's sisters-in-law offered to hold one, because we had 2 of everything.

You can make sensible guidelines together and have a fabulous wedding with as much, or as little of the "wedding bling-hoop-di-do" that many first weddings have.

Good luck. Looking forward to hearing more about your plans as they progress.

PS: this is a great board, and you will get some really good advice, or just come and vent

Avion22 · October 2012

Donna, as always, has hit the nail on the head (she's super-smart, that one!).

I second the idea of asking your bridesmaids to wear a black dress that they already own, and groomsmen wear a black suit they own. Both my sister and I did this for our second weddings, and it makes it super-easy on the bridal party and the pictures come out looking great. And everyone looks amazing and feels comfortable, but still matches. And I think it takes the focus off of wedding "stuff" (dresses, colors) and places it on PEOPLE. Win, win, win, win.

It's perfectly normal to think that you family is going to go, "Oh, TandKsmommy is getting married, here we go AGAIN!" but I bet your friends and family are actually really happy that you have found love again. And if they are snotty about you having a big wedding, then that's their problem:-)

Tandksmommy · October 2012

Thanks ladies, that helps!

I was the total opposite of a Bridezilla for my first wedding and nothing has changed. I picked the dress (paid for 2 of the girls because they could not afford them), put money down on everyone elses- and then let them pick their own hair and shoes. I didn't care what they wore on their feet or head- the only thing I wanted a say on was the dress. So me ever asking them to spend mucho money is NOT gonna happen..haha.

You're right, my best friend is still my best friend and she is happy for me. My second and third best friends were not in my first wedding (I hadn't met them yet!). My sister---well yeah, she doesn't get a choice! Haha.

I just need to relax. I know one of my other big issues is that I feel bad asking my family to travel out of state for another wedding of mine...when my sister is supposedly (that's a LONG story on it's own) planning a reception for herself the next month. I guess I don't want to put family in that position to travel twice--BUT, I won't be upset if they opt for hers over mine, I just need to put the 'embarrassment' of asking behind me.

We don't want to do showers, gifts (though we won't mention them unless asked of course), bachelorette party, etc. He's 37 and has a whole house full of stuff, I'm 28 with 2 kids and have a whole house full of stuff. We don't need anything more than their presence.

How do I get past this?

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