Can I send an "are you still in the wedding" email

i2012do · May 2011

As everyone says, you will regret asking your BM's early- and I did. I said Iwouldn't but now my "vision" for my wedding has changed, and I wouldn't have a bridal party at all likely.

I have 6 bridesmaids and two I haven't heard from in over a year/ One is my future SIL- who is also getting married this year- but who hasn't sent an email, or talked to me since last summer....when we got engaged. I have emailed her repitvely asking for details about HER wedding- When is it ? (Its 2000 miles away so I have to travel and request the time off NOW for a summer 2011 wedding!) Where is it? I have asked if I can help. I never get an answer.

I texted her to ask her address so we could send her her graduation gift from college (when was graduation? I didn't realize it was so soon-- I said... sent you something in the mail,,, whats your address)
She just texted back the address. Not like "thanks so much." or "it was last week!"

Then My fiance called her to get some addresses for guests (another long story about FMIL not helping at all). and She has yet to call him back. He texted her. No answer.

So long story short. Because I asked her and my other bridesmaids (I used this whole backround on her so you can see where I am coming from- but I am thinking of sending this email to everyone)... My thought is to send an email that basically in a nut shell says:

"Hey! Hope you are all doing well. I know I asked you to be a bridesmaid almost a year ago, and everyones lives has changed. some girls got married, or engaged, had a baby, bought a home.... and perhaps circumstances for being in the wedding Now are different than last year.... AS we come into the year before my wedding I just wanted to check with everyone and see if they are still available/willing/ and able to be a bridesmaid. As I know it is a huge financial and time commitment."

I basically, asked a LONG time ago. Which I regret. I should have waited.... But now that the wedding is almost a year out I am starting to plan- ie booking places, limos, etc. and I really need to know a positive... Are you in the wedding or not.

Obvisously his sister can't even respond to me- so either she isn't interested in being in the wedding, or doesn't like me. I have no idea. Literally, I'm clueless.

I was hoping to see her at her own wedding this summer- but I don't even know when it is!!

Is it rude to send everyone that email? <Maybe she doens't want to be in our wedding anymore.. and maybe there is another bridesmaid who doesn't want to either? Maybe things have changed.. financially or time wise or just they can't do it for whatever reason.

Is it ok to send all 6 girls that email- knowing some are going to be liek "are you kidding me, of course I still can do it!" and some might not even respond.. who knows.

And what if my friend I haven't spoken to, or his sister don't respond- do I send a followup?

kellyb1487 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_can-send-still-wedding-email?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8c3708af-f1b7-4274-82e2-41d6219eb803Post:0c2186e0-a21d-46c9-8681-4da9e244f7f0">Can I send an "are you still in the wedding" email</a>:
[QUOTE]As everyone says, you will regret asking your BM's early- and I did. I said Iwouldn't but now my "vision" for my wedding has changed, and I wouldn't have a bridal party at all likely. I have 6 bridesmaids and two I haven't heard from in over a year/ One is my future SIL- who is also getting married this year- but who hasn't sent an email, or talked to me since last summer....when we got engaged. I have emailed her repitvely asking for details about HER wedding- When is it ? (Its 2000 miles away so I have to travel and request the time off NOW for a summer 2011 wedding!) Where is it? I have asked if I can help. I never get an answer. I texted her to ask her address so we could send her her graduation gift from college (when was graduation? I didn't realize it was so soon-- I said... sent you something in the mail,,, whats your address) She just texted back the address. Not like "thanks so much." or "it was last week!" Then My fiance called her to get some addresses for guests (another long story about FMIL not helping at all). and She has yet to call him back. He texted her. No answer. So long story short. Because I asked her and my other bridesmaids (I used this whole backround on her so you can see where I am coming from- but I am thinking of sending this email to everyone)... My thought is to send an email that basically in a nut shell says: "Hey! Hope you are all doing well. I know I asked you to be a bridesmaid almost a year ago, and everyones lives has changed. some girls got married, or engaged, had a baby, bought a home.... and perhaps circumstances for being in the wedding Now are different than last year.... AS we come into the year before my wedding I just wanted to check with everyone and see if they are still available/willing/ and able to be a bridesmaid. As I know it is a huge financial and time commitment." I basically, asked a LONG time ago. Which I regret. I should have waited.... But now that the wedding is almost a year out I am starting to plan- ie booking places, limos, etc. and I really need to know a positive... Are you in the wedding or not. Obvisously his sister can't even respond to me- so either she isn't interested in being in the wedding, or doesn't like me. I have no idea. Literally, I'm clueless. I was hoping to see her at her own wedding this summer- but I don't even know when it is!! Is it rude to send everyone that email? <Maybe she doens't want to be in our wedding anymore.. and maybe there is another bridesmaid who doesn't want to either? Maybe things have changed.. financially or time wise or just they can't do it for whatever reason. Is it ok to send all 6 girls that email- knowing some are going to be liek "are you kidding me, of course I still can do it!" and some might not even respond.. who knows. And what if my friend I haven't spoken to, or his sister don't respond- do I send a followup?
Posted by i2012do[/QUOTE]

Please do not send the email!!! I know you mean to have it come from a good place, but it can be intreprited badly. Let it be for now. You said yuor wedding is still a year away, just keep planning like everyone who said yes will be there. Like you said a lot of things have come up over the past year and people are probably just dealing with what is on their plate.

Kepp in touch with everyone and just forget about the wedding when you talk to them. Then like 4-5 months before the wedding start worrying about the dresses. The girls don't really need to do anything until then.

Cynthia1207 · May 2011

Don't send anything. You'll find out once you ask them about dresses. They will most likely tell you themselves whether or not they want to be involved

i2012do · May 2011

Yes. My plan was to wait until then to worry abotu dresses.

But I have to book a limo- and it will save us a lot to do an 8 person, say vs a 14 person.

I live in RI, its a small wedding community and most plaes book up at least 9 months out. I need to figure it out for that purpose.

That is my one concern.

Otherwise I wouldn't say anything.
It hought the email would be a good "opt out of the wedding now" chance- because I feel that they would be more apt to email back and say I can't do it.. than to wait until 5 months before and have them standing there in a fitting room, awkwardly telling me they can't afford a dress.

I can not afford to pay for FSIL dress or anything else. that is why I am very worried.

i2012do · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_can-send-still-wedding-email?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8c3708af-f1b7-4274-82e2-41d6219eb803Post:19933e33-0544-4cb7-9c34-7f6aa2a6c606">Re: Can I send an "are you still in the wedding" email</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't send anything. You'll find out once you ask them about dresses. They will most likely tell you themselves whether or not they want to be involved
Posted by Cynthia1207[/QUOTE]

Do you think someone would really opt out? That is my concern.

MairePoppy · May 2011

Well, I suppose it's not as offensive as cornering each girl and asking if they would like to 'step down.' But still, I wouldn't do it. The bms that haven't responded to any of your phone calls, emails, or texts for over a year are even less likely to respond to a group email. So I don't think you will accomplish anything other than possibly offend the bms who have already assured you that they are in.

You could try calling each girl to ask them about their dress budget, since it's almost time to start looking for the bm dresses. That might give you a clearer idea of who is still participating. Also, a non-wedding related phone call to the friend would be nice, just to find out what's going on in her life and to make sure you have the correct contact information. If she doesn't respond to your call, I think you could assume that she is not interested. And if she turns up at a later date, just give her the dress info and leave it up to her.

I'm not sure why you need an exact count for the limo so far ahead of time. You could get a limo for you, your new husband and your honor attendants or parents. Arrange car pools for the rest or find a limo rental company would be able to offer some transportation closer to the wedding date, if you need it.

ks107021 · May 2011

As other PP said just wait on it and don't send the email. Some may wonder why they got it and take it wrong and some may not respond, so there where do you sit?

Why do you need to book a limo 15 months out from your wedding?! I understand small town, but still some people aren't even engaged 15 months out! But, if if you really must just book the larger limo and if the wedding party is smaller some other friends can join.

Cynthia1207 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_can-send-still-wedding-email?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8c3708af-f1b7-4274-82e2-41d6219eb803Post:c89d88b1-5cf4-4ec9-8b84-e88d2f35595e">Re: Can I send an "are you still in the wedding" email</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can I send an "are you still in the wedding" email : Do you think someone would really opt out? That is my concern.
Posted by i2012do[/QUOTE]

I can't answer that. The thing is that you've asked them already so you can't un-ask them to be in the WP. You have to book things considering the amount of people you asked. If you are worried about number issues, you can send them an email asking them when is their preferred time to go shopping for the dresses, not something saying let me know if you're in or out.

I'd also check into if there's a law in your area about how many people are allowed in a limo at once. Here in Montreal, you can't be more than 8 or 10 I can't remember so if I had 14 people, I would have to get 2 limos anyway.

ETA: I booked my limo 6 months out and I live in a big city where labor day weekend is extremely popular for weddings. I had ample time to choose.

i2012do · May 2011

thanks.
Well, I already called some places but they are booked.
I really should book the limo by the end of the summer. There just aren't a lot of companies here- and I want a full range of options- not just to settle for like a "hummer limo" that I don't want. It is just that there is a VAST price difference from a 10 person limo- to say.. .a 14-16 person limo. Also, booking before 2012 pricing comes out for companies (typically in September) would save me some money- and I am rather budget conscious.

I purposely had a 2 year engagement so I wouldn't have to settle for anything I didn't want because something was unavailable and so that I would be able to get things are a more affordable price. Especially since an average wedding in RI costs around 37,000.

I guess that I'm just po-ed because I AM reaching out to these people for unrelated wedding things. Sending graduation gifts, and calling and asking about their weddings!!! It just seems rude, I would never ignore an email. Its really hurtful, Esp for someone who is going to be a family member- so I guess thats the root ofg my lssue. I feel like she does't like me or something.

It seems annoying that I have to worry about someone ordering a dress and me having to pick up the tab bnecause they call and say they can't afford it.

I guess I'm a "worst case" scenario person, because to me, it feels that hte Worst case always happens. In all things in life. So I always prepare for it, I've learned to do that.

I sent one of my BMs the emial and asked her to read it to see if it was offensive and she said it seemed like a nice gesture for me to let people know, things happen very quickly when getting married and its nice to think ahead. But i wanted ot re ach out on here because I knew people would give me an honest opinion.
So I'm not going to send the email....
But I still feel like maybe I need to call FSIL and hope she doesnt put me through to VM (her usual course of action for my FI and I) and talk to her.

As a PP mentioned- perhaps discussing a dress budget is a good way to go about this situation?
Saying "hey let me know your budget. Some girls had mentioned $200 as their max (3 of my BMs gave me that number) do y ou feel comfortable there- if not we can lower it?"

DNAtime · May 2011

As a general rule, treat ALL of you WP members as they are still in the wedding unless THEY specifically and difinitively tell you otherwise. Always.

I haven't spoken to one of my BMs for like 6 months. She lives 1000 miles away and has a new baby, and I have been swamped trying to finish grad school. I still have faith in our friendship and her desire to be in my wedding.

I think you are over thinking this. Just let it ride, especially if they are your FILs I am sure they will be there when the time comes. You don't want to cause a rift with your new family.

i2012do · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_can-send-still-wedding-email?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8c3708af-f1b7-4274-82e2-41d6219eb803Post:fe4ccb41-8985-4ffa-ac5e-15d059143bac">Re: Can I send an "are you still in the wedding" email</a>:
[QUOTE]As a general rule, treat ALL of you WP members as they are still in the wedding unless THEY specifically and difinitively tell you otherwise. Always. I haven't spoken to one of my BMs for like 6 months. She lives 1000 miles away and has a new baby, and I have been swamped trying to finish grad school. I still have faith in our friendship and her desire to be in my wedding. I think you are over thinking this. Just let it ride, especially if they are your FILs I am sure they will be there when the time comes. You don't want to cause a rift with your new family.
Posted by DNAtime[/QUOTE]

I hope I am overthinking this, I'm juist offended now. In general, at the lack of correspondence. Hopefully we get so much as a thank you card for the grad gift/wedding gift im going to have to send to her, since I won't get the time out of work if I dont know WHEN it is asap.

this entire wedding is causing a rift in my new "family" who already live 2000 miles away.
They can't help financially fine. They keep telling me things I have to do or have to have at the wedding (on my parents dime) and/or they don't acknowledge or call me for months at a time- then call and say that we have to fly out to see them

HMMMPH

this really is testing the waters of love. Love him. Love his family. I just keep reapeating that mantra in my head.

hlq2011 · May 2011

Don't send an email; assume they are all in the wedding and book things accordingly.

MairePoppy · May 2011

I would assume FSIL is still in the wedding party, for the sake of family harmony : )
Are the groomsmen driving themselves? Could they take the bms if there isn't enough room in the limo for them? I think I would get the smaller limo and make car pool arrangements for the rest, if necessary.

i2012do · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_can-send-still-wedding-email?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8c3708af-f1b7-4274-82e2-41d6219eb803Post:3d327519-16f4-4308-9a6d-0fe6709b01f6">Re: Can I send an "are you still in the wedding" email</a>:
[QUOTE]I would assume FSIL is still in the wedding party, for the sake of family harmony : ) Are the groomsmen driving themselves? Could they take the bms if there isn't enough room in the limo for them? I think I would get the smaller limo and make car pool arrangements for the rest, if necessary.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

The ceremony site is only 3 miles from the reception, the hotels are next door the reception so we were just getting a limo to keep everyone together.

The groommens we wanted to have in a limo. all but one is from out of state and flying in. I guess if not, they can car pool.
my brother is a groomsmen but he would likely drive with his girlfriend (who is soon to be his fiance), so I guess he can pile the rest in his car if need be.

or myabe she can "pile" in and squish. since she is the one causing me this undo stress.

I cant wait to send her a big fancy wedding gift and dote all over her and follow her around at her wedding and ask what she needs help with. and kill her with kindness, until guilt is steaming from her ears

sorry- long day at work- that made me feel good to say that

Cynthia1207 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_can-send-still-wedding-email?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8c3708af-f1b7-4274-82e2-41d6219eb803Post:eefb27a1-45b7-415b-8dcc-9c028e1e0a73">Re: Can I send an "are you still in the wedding" email</a>:
[QUOTE]As a PP mentioned- perhaps discussing a dress budget is a good way to go about this situation? Saying "hey let me know your budget. Some girls had mentioned $200 as their max (3 of my BMs gave me that number) do y ou feel comfortable there- if not we can lower it?"
Posted by i2012do[/QUOTE]

That's what I would do. It includes everyone and talks specifically about what their budget is for the BM dress. If anyone isn't up for it, they should be able to let you know.

artbyallie · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_can-send-still-wedding-email?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:8c3708af-f1b7-4274-82e2-41d6219eb803Post:eefb27a1-45b7-415b-8dcc-9c028e1e0a73">Re: Can I send an "are you still in the wedding" email</a>:
[QUOTE]As a PP mentioned- perhaps discussing a dress budget is a good way to go about this situation? Saying "hey let me know your budget. Some girls had mentioned $200 as their max (3 of my BMs gave me that number) do y ou feel comfortable there- if not we can lower it?"
Posted by i2012do[/QUOTE]

<div>Definitely ask about budget, but don't mention a number first. That will put pressure on them to agree to it, which you don't want. Let them tell you individually their max budget. Pick the dress to fit within the lowest number you get as an answer.</div>

em01092 · May 2011

I think you mean well and its good you are being compassionate about things that have happened in their lives rather than being demanding about anything. Let them bring it up with you though. I would wait a little longer to discuss wedding related stuff. Call them up and chat. See if they say anything on their own.

But yeah, unless they remove themselves, they are your BMs.

dragossoul84 · May 2011

Your wedding is still over a year a way and your worry about picking a dress she cant afford shouldnt be an issue because when it gets closer to your wedding you should ask everyone for their budget. She may be really busy with graduating this year and getting married in the next couple months. You should probably let her life get settled down before you start your wedding stuff with her

fancieface · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_can-send-still-wedding-email?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8c3708af-f1b7-4274-82e2-41d6219eb803Post:dc4fdcd6-4cd5-4dc5-a965-badf3121c6ee">Re: Can I send an "are you still in the wedding" email</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't send an email; assume they are all in the wedding and book things accordingly.
Posted by hlq2011[/QUOTE]

I agree with this exactly. Just wait it out and don't be offended. Its easier said than done, I know but I think its better if you wait it out until 4 months out or so. And I wouldn't send an email to all 6 BM's if you are only wondering about 2. Good luck.

ADTonk · May 2011

Don't send that out! It sounds like you want to pick different people now.

I would send a check in email when you're starting to think about dress shopping.. something like this:

" Hey everyone! I hope you are all doing well. I just wanted to keep you all in the loop. I am planning on going bridesmaid dress shopping in [month] and wanted to see when everyone is available. I have [this style] and [this color] in mind. I hope to hear from you all soon!"

You get the point. Make sure that you give them the deadline for ordering dresses and they will remove themselves if they don't want to be in the wedding anymore. no need to ask.

[Deleted User] · May 2011

I agree with the PPs that said assume they're in the WP unless they tell you otherwise. I had some serious doubts about one of my BMs for a while. Every time I brought up her dress or tried to find out when she'd be in town so we could look @ dresses for her, she basically ignored me (she goes to school 4-5 hours away). Well, she just got back from school and I asked her when she would be able to go dress shopping because we needed to get them soon (thinking she was avoiding me because she didn't want to be in the WP anymore) and she surprised me by telling me when she was available to go. Turned out she was just really busy with school/life and since she now needed to order the dress because of time deadlines, she did it.

It sounds like you're not that close with FSIL. Combine that with her living so far away and planning her own wedding, and she could just be really busy. I was debating about giving my BM an "out" but am so glad I didn't. I wouldn't want to offend her and make her think I didn't want her in the wedding.

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