drunk dialing mom and my mental health crisis.

mrsjustinm2b · May 2011

So last night while I was at work mom gets tanked (as per usual) and starts making phone calls. Great. So apparently she called a whole bunch of cousins that we couldnt afford to invite from Cali. and has either told them, or gave them permission to gatecrash our wedding.

She then calls FI to tell him this. He told her that this was unacceptable and if they push the issue he can call and speak to them and let them know we just didnt have the ability to invite everyone we want. She then goes batshit and hangs up on FI (who called her on her drunk dialing)

Mom KNOWS how stressed I've been with the wedding, esp. the ever growing guest list. I talk to her everyday. I was raised with better manners than encouraging gate crashing so I am appalled, and the fact thats she's calling up FI drunk when I'm at work...omg.I called her last night from work and lost it and asked her what the hell she thought she was doing calling my FI drunk and going off about inviting more people. She hung up on me of course.

Today, what will happen is she will ignore it completly and unless I bring it up will pretend that the whole thing never happened. I actually was so upset I ended up coming home from work since I was so useless I felt I was unsafe to care for my patients.

I know my reaction is a little over the top I guess, but I was just freaking. It was kind of a breaking point for me, as it seems our families are going out of their way to make sure I have to increase my anti-depressants to get through the wedding.
I am just so hurt, mom knows that I have depression and a serious anxiety disorder and that planning this wedding has been very trying on me with all the family drama. I've made it no secret to anyone that I would rather have eloped and had a private wedding that would actually have been about me and FI, as opposed to the circus that is all about everyone BUT us.

Her alcoholiisim is also a really sore spot for me, and I have PTSD from some pretty awful incidents that she decided never happened, I just really don't know what I should do. FI sees how much her behaviour hurts me and is very over protective of my well-being so I know if I don't speak to her, he will so I have to. It really just figures that the one person besides FI who was in my corner has really let me down. Again.

I really do feel like I'm going nuts, even as I write this hours later I am in tears. Am I out of my mind? Did I blow the top of this one and make things worse? I just really want to crawl back into bed and cancel the whole damned thing. Its not about us anyways so all anyone will be pissed off about is that they didnt get a free meal and booze and a giant family reunion on our dime.

I don't think I had an actual question, per say, but thoughts would def be appreciated, esp from the MOB's and girls who have been through this sort of thing with their moms.

Davesgrl2011 · May 2011

My sister is a hard-core alcohalic who self-mutilates while drunk as well us drunk driving, drunk dialing, and drunk showing up at four in the morning and trying to crawl in your window. I have made the decision to not have her as a bridesmaid because I can't count on her to actually show up and show up sober. I have been to a lot of family counseling because of this. My mother, my other sister, and myself all have issues with anxiety, depression, and panic disorders because of this.

Her two children now live with my mother and my other (healthy) sister. My nephew was diagnosised with a trauma disorder and is dealing with criminal issues because his mother called the police on him for pushing her when she was drunk and picking a fight with him. My niece throws up every morning due to a constantly nervous stomach.

I am telling you this because I understand where you are coming from. You did not over react. I think you feel like you did because you are so stressed out. But trust me, you didn't. My sister also has selective memory, and when she is sober she thinks that we should never bring up the things she has done to the family. She is mad that she isn't in the wedding, not because she loves me and wants to stand up for me, but because she is afraid of what people will think.

Question for you: Does the rest of your family, even the cousins in California, know she is an alcohalic? If so, call them and explain the situation. I am sure they realized that she was drunk when she called.

Why can't you elope? Or have a small, simple wedding that will take the edge off your stress? If I were you, even if you have booked a reception venue and stand to lose some money in the process, I would completely rethink your wedding plans and plan something small, simple, and private. If anyone asks why you changed things, be completely honest. Alcohalism is a disease of the entire family, and it is not your job to keep it a secret.

Who is paying for your wedding? If you are accepting monetary help from anyone you may have to turn down the offer of assistance in order to plan the wedding you want. But the less people involved in the planning, the better for you.

You said that there is other family drama. Are you close enough to your FI family to explain the situation and be completely honest with them? If so, tell them everything you wrote here and ask them to help you plan a smaller wedding or ask them to understand why you want to elope. If you aren't that close have your FI talk to them for you. If they (or anyone) raise a stink that you aren't planning a "family reunion" just quietly and firmly do what you want to do. And I am sure that your FI would understand, as well. Especially if you plan something cool like getting married on a cruise ship. I saw that once and it was beautiful! All the girls wore sundresses and flip flops, and they had the background of a Caribbean sunset, steel drums playing, tropical flowers.....

It will be a huge relief for you to do things your way. You can't help your mom, as I am sure you know by now. The only thing you can control is how you respond and how much you allow her into your life. Support her if you can, but remember that what is the most important now is the life you are creating with your FI.

Good luck! I'll be praying for you

MairePoppy · May 2011

I don't think you're over reacting. The thought of having surprise guests would upset me, too. It's not you, dear, it's your mom. Also, you've been dealing with your moms alcoholism for a long time. Who wouldn't be stressed out?

If your mom actually did call your cousins, there's a good chance that they knew she was drunk when she called them. And she probably wasn't able to give accurate date, time, place. On top of that, if she instructed them to 'crash' the wedding, then they must know that they are not on the guest list. It's unlikely that they would chance buying plane tickets and making travel arrangements until they receive a formal invitation from you.

You can't control your mom's behaviour but you can control how much contact you have with her. If she calls you or fi drunk, tell her you will talk to her when she is sober and hang up. There's no point in dealing with a drunk who is going to 'forget' the conversation the next day, anyway.

If the idea of going through with the wedding is making your depression and anxiety disorder worse, then elope. That would take some of the pressure off. Then you and fi can decide if you want to go through with the big family party afterwards or if you want to forfeit any non-refundable expenses. You should think about this and do what you really want to do.

Wishing you the best, Mrs. Justin2b.

LoveMuffins · May 2011

Everything that PPs said, and also, you might want to consider not talking to her about wedding plans at all during your daily conversations.

Muffin'sMom · May 2011

The ladies above have given you good advice. My mother is not a well woman, my brother is an abusive alcoholic, and my dad makes it possible for them to inflict themselves on everyone else. Awesome.

I do what was suggested above. I tell them I will talk with them when they "feel better" and I severely limit what I share with them. None of them came to my daughter's wedding because they were angry that they were not "treated" the way they deserve. We had a MUCH better time

You are not a bad person. Take care of you...

mrsjustinm2b · May 2011

thanks you guys, I'm really happy to hear that I hadnt gone completely round the bend. The hard part is I love my mom to pieces. She's been the only constant in my life, even with the drinking and the majority of the time is my best friend. We don't have the traditional Mother-daughter relationship but sometimes I wish she would not lay her crap on me just be my mom. I hate that I have to be the one to hold her up all the time, but I just can't seem to pull away from it. I can't seem to not be able to always give her another chance, I don't want to give up on her but the whole thing just kills me. I need to get some counselling about this thats for sure, I have come to conclusion with FI that I just can't deal with it solo anymore.
The invites have been sent but I would really rather have a very small immediate family and BP wedding. Given the situation I suppose I could just word it "Due to circumstances beyond their control Bride and Groom would like to apologize that the will not take place as planned. Thank you for your understanding." The only people who have made travel arrangements are those who would be invited to the immediate family situation. (My brothers) FI really wants this big wedding, and for awhile I had resigned myself to it, but after this incident I know I will just be on edge until the limo picks us up, waiting for the s**t to hit the fan. I don't think I have ever been so anxious as I am now. I can't wait to be married to him, but this wedding is turing into my worst nightmare.

covejack · May 2011

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al-Anon/Alateen

Here's an explanation about Al-Anon for you. It's free, meetings are everywhere, and it has helped a great number of my patients. You're not responsible for you mom's behavior, and you don't need to clean up after her mess. Good luck with your planning, and I wish you peace.

marshallra · May 2011

You should not have to parent your mom. Unfortunately it is very very difficult to break the cycle you have developed with your Mom.   It is entirely normal for you to want you Mom to be there for you, to love her, and to keep hoping that she is going to be the Mom you deserve. But unless she makes some major changes in her life it is not going to happen. You can't make her better. You can'tl change her behavior. Only she can do that and you have no control over whether or not she does. That is a reality that is very very hard to accept. You keep hoping and you keep getting hurt.

  Only you have power to change your life. The first thing you have to do is protect yourself. If a big wedding is overwhelmingly stressful stop it. DO NOT interact with your Mom when she's under the influence. Get counseling.

   You are not alone.

Davesgrl2011 · May 2011

I feel terrible that your wedding is turning into a nightmare. PLEASE go forward with your smaller wedding plan. And honestly, as upsetting as it may be, don't include your mother in these plans. I know that you love her, but you will find out through therapy and al-anon that you are also enabling her to continue her lifestyle. The best thing you can do for her and you is take a step back. Tell her that you love her so much that you can't stand to see her hurt herself anymore, and that if she won't get help for herself than you can no longer be a part of her life.

Also- the family you are creating with your fiance has to be what is your priorty right now. It should be a big relief to you to MAKE that your priorty. Your FI can help you. In a way, you are almost as addicted as your mother to this cycle you are on. Trust me, I know. I've been to al-anon, meetings, therapy....

Keep and touch and let us all know how it works out! Good luck!

dees14 · May 2011

I'm sorry

I agree with everyone else; you are not overreacting. Unfortunately, we can't change other people, but we can at least find some support for ourselves to learn how to cope with it. I would suggest talking to a therapist for that extra support during this time. I would also encourage you to continue your plans for your wedding instead of cancelling it due to feeling so overwhelmed. I would hate for you to look back and wish that you had stuck with the plans that YOU wanted -- after all, that's what you deserve, even if it doesn't turn out perfect!

drunk dialing mom and my mental health crisis.

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