Groomsman's date - seating

aew13 · January 2013

Been lurking since I got enaged, but this is my first post.

Here's the deal - my FI has what he considers a very good friend, and he asked the guy to be in our wedding. After a delay, the guy emailed him and said that he didn't "think it was a good idea to stand up in the wedding" because having his girlfriend "sitting at a table with a bunch of strangers is not an option. Thoughts?"

Yes, those quotations are directly from the email - my FI showed it to me in disbelief.

My question is, what is typically the protocol for seating the plus-one of a member of the wedding party? Two of my BMs are married and I didn't think twice of seating their respective husbands at guest tables for the reception. Is he expecting us to make some sort of accommodations for his girlfriend's seating or what? Honestly, it seems a bit ridiculous to me, but I'm admittedly biased because I've always thought this particular dude is a complete tool.

I told my FI to hold off on responding to this guy until we could figure out what our next move should be. Neither of us are impressed with this.

freebread03 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmans-date-seating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:63aa37f8-62e4-4c58-bffd-15606d7d3f9ePost:9b6c6e5a-d166-4398-998c-31c33a897cc7">Groomsman's date - seating</a>:
[QUOTE]Been lurking since I got enaged, but this is my first post. Here's the deal - my FI has what he considers a very good friend, and he asked the guy to be in our wedding. After a delay, the guy emailed him and said that he didn't "think it was a good idea to stand up in the wedding" because having his girlfriend "sitting at a table with a bunch of strangers is not an option. Thoughts?" Yes, those quotations are directly from the email - my FI showed it to me in disbelief. My question is, what is typically the protocol for seating the plus-one of a member of the wedding party? Two of my BMs are married and I didn't think twice of seating their respective husbands at guest tables for the reception. Is he expecting us to make some sort of accommodations for his girlfriend's seating or what? Honestly, it seems a bit ridiculous to me, but I'm admittedly biased because I've always thought this particular dude is a complete tool. I told my FI to hold off on responding to this guy until we could figure out what our next move should be. Neither of us are impressed with this.
Posted by aew13[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It is actually quite rude to not seat couples together. Your GM's girlfriend is not a "plus 1"-she is his significant other, and should be treated as such. You really need to seat couples together--your other BMs should be seated with their husbands, and your GMs should be seated with their wives or girlfriends. It doesn't matter if you like him or not-you need to seat him with his girlfriend. This is not "making accomodations for his girlfriend's seating"-it's applying the rules of etiquette.

</div>

aew13 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmans-date-seating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:63aa37f8-62e4-4c58-bffd-15606d7d3f9ePost:bdf5f0a8-1878-4df8-8d7a-5220e2f4b78a">Re: Groomsman's date - seating</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Groomsman's date - seating : It is actually quite rude to not seat couples together. Your GM's girlfriend is not a "plus 1"-she is his significant other, and should be treated as such. You really need to seat couples together--your other BMs should be seated with their husbands, and your GMs should be seated with their wives or girlfriends. It doesn't matter if you like him or not-you need to seat him with his girlfriend. This is not "making accomodations for his girlfriend's seating"-it's applying the rules of etiquette.
Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]

<div>Fair enough. I am obviously by no means a wedding expert, but I've never been to a wedding where I've seen the significant others of bridesmaids or groomsmen seated at the head table. It was just something I'd never seen or heard of before. It was interesting that the GM that he asked automatically made the assumption... all my FI did was ask him if he'd bein the wedding... the seating arrangment isn't really even on our radar at this point.</div>

aew13 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmans-date-seating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:63aa37f8-62e4-4c58-bffd-15606d7d3f9ePost:7c945782-612e-4eb7-93ae-82aa92fb8c29">Re: Groomsman's date - seating</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groomsman's date - seating : This might be where the friend is coming from and is assuming it will be the same at your wedding and doesn't want his girlfriend to be alone. Maybe? I could be totally wrong. Are you definitely doing a head table? If yes, I would seat all dates of the wedding party there, too; or do a sweetheart table and give the WP their own table or seats among the guests. ETA: And reassure this friend that he doesn't need to be worried about being split up from his girlfriend at the reception.
Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

<div>That makes sense; your guess is as good as mine! I think we were both planning on doing a head table, but we haven't really discussed it yet. I guess it just shows my wedding ignorance because every wedding I've been to or been in, the head table only consisted of members of the wedding party - I've been a guest at numerous weddings where the signifcant others of members of the WP were seated at my table. Obviously I can't just go based on what I've seen at weddings I've attended (it's not like I've been to loads of weddings). </div><div>
</div><div>I guess the issue raises an additional concern - if he doesn't want his girlfriend alone for dinner, is he going to be worried about her being alone during the ceremony? </div>

jennyd412 · January 2013

wedding party dates are almost never at the head table. my sister and best friend are both in my wedding party and their husbands won't sit at the head table. a groomsmen making the a statement like that is pretty rude.

Viczaesar · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmans-date-seating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:63aa37f8-62e4-4c58-bffd-15606d7d3f9ePost:f00db7ed-1cd5-4d9f-a124-eadba36f39be">Re: Groomsman's date - seating</a>:
[QUOTE]wedding party dates are almost never at the head table. my sister and best friend are both in my wedding party and their husbands won't sit at the head table. a groomsmen making the a statement like that is pretty rude.
Posted by jennyd412[/QUOTE]

Not true.

RamonaFlowers · January 2013

Head tables that don't include s/o's are incredibly rude and hypocritical. The bride/groom that is insisting upon the WP dates being at another table is basically saying "Hey, you're really important to me and I want to show everybody that you're super important to me on a day that celebrates me and my "plus one" becoming a permanent thing! To do that, you can't sit with your own S/O for the night. Yes, I know that all of the friends and family that I'm NOT choosing to honor on a day all about my own relationship get to sit with their s/o's at dinner, but I love you more than them, SO YOU CAN'T SIT WITH YOUR DATE!"

Seriously. Does not compute.

JillianNJohn · January 2013

I think they need to be seated together. We had a BM turn us down bc he couldn't make his wife sit thru the wedding on her own and I wAsnt about to ask her to be in it bc I can't stand her. But I'd never split them up. We're doing a sweethearts table bc the BMs wife is not in the wedding not is my MOHs husband. The couples know each other and joked that the 2 not in the party are each others dates for the wedding, but they get their own spouse for a reception. (Totally joking if coarse).

Simply Fated · January 2013

I totally understand what you mean about how that's all you've seen and all you heard. It's pretty common in my circle, too, as I learned during my friend's wedding.
The thing is, it's not an old tradition. It's from the 80's. Maybe late 70's. Along with puffy sleeves, bright blue eyeshadow, and giant hair held together with Aqua Net. It's an outdated, and very terrifying, tradition that needs to die out.

aew13 · January 2013

In Response to Re:Groomsman's date seating:[QUOTE]think it was a good idea to stand up in the wedding" because having his girlfriend "sitting at a table with a bunch of strangers is not an option.He's right.nbsp; It's NOT an option for polite brides and grooms.You may not have seen this at a wedding before....but that's because you attended weddings in which the couple was ignorant of proper etiquette, and treated their wedding party like props, and their wedding party's escorts like inconveniences.It's outrageous, and horrendously rude, to split up couples at an event that is supposed to celebrate unity.THINK about this.nbsp; "I need Billy up here because he's the Best Man, but what SHALL I do with YOU? Oh, dear.nbsp; You aren't in the wedding party, and not important to us.nbsp; My, my....oh.nbsp; I know.nbsp; I'll stick you over there."It's not only rude, but an insult to the guest. Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Yikes. I can understand where you're coming from, but I wouldn't go so far to say that all of my friends and family have treated their wedding party as a bunch of props. I was in a wedding out of state and the bride just had her wedding party at the head table. I didn't feel like I was being used.

I also went to a wedding with an ex boyfriend years ago; he was in the wedding and I was not. I was not seated at the head table. I didn't feel slighted or disrespected. I ate dinner, chatted with the other guests at my table none of whom I knew beforehand and then after dinner I hung out and danced with my ex. I guess I didn't realize I was the victim of a rude bride and groom.

I guess what's confusing now is that, if it's proper etiquette to seat wedding party SOs at the head table, why did he automatically assume otherwise?

aew13 · January 2013

In Response to Re:Groomsman's date seating:[QUOTE]I totally understand what you mean about how that's all you've seen and all you heard. It's pretty common in my circle, too, as I learned during my friend's wedding. The thing is, it's not an old tradition. It's from the 80's. Maybe late 70's. Along with puffy sleeves, bright blue eyeshadow, and giant hair held together with Aqua Net. It's an outdated, and very terrifying, tradition that needs to die out. Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

Ok, good to know. I was starting to think my circle of family and friends were the only people on earth who've done this.

Also, your vivid 80s description made me chuckle :

AddieCake · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmans-date-seating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:63aa37f8-62e4-4c58-bffd-15606d7d3f9ePost:8c5b3b2e-1314-4880-86de-2949ab0bd31e">Re:Groomsman's date seating</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Groomsman's date seating: I guess what's confusing now is that, if it's proper etiquette to seat wedding party SOs at the head table, why did he automatically assume otherwise?
Posted by aew13[/QUOTE]

<div>Because he probably, like you, has only seen it done the rude way. Just call him up and tell him you would never dream of splitting up a couple. Then you can always figure out later if you're doing a head table with the WP and their SOs or just a sweetheart table and seat the WP with the other guests. </div>

freebread03 · January 2013

I honestly wouldn't even do a head table-what about seating your parents with you, or just doing a sweetheart table? I can understand why the GM said he didn't want to be seated apart from his girlfriend-it's a reasonable assumption to make if this is standard in your area. I'm sure you'll figure out what arrangement will work best!

Dchacha413 · January 2013

After reading your post, I now too am wondering about the proper ettiquet of head table people and their SOs. My concern is I want a head table I think they look nice in photos, you get to be with the ones closest to you, etc. That being said, I'm not close to any of my bridal parties SOs so why would I want them in photos with us at the head table?

Edit: This was more of a statement than anything.

SKPM · January 2013

In Response to Re:Groomsman's date seating:[QUOTE]After reading your post, I now too am wondering about the proper ettiquet of head table people and their SOs. nbsp;My concern is I want a head table I think they look nice in photos, you get to be with the ones closest to you, etc. nbsp;That being said, I'm not close to any of my bridal parties SOs so why would I want them in photos with us at the head table? nbsp;Edit: nbsp;This was more of a statement than anything.nbsp; Posted by Dchacha413[/QUOTE]
Because you have a bridal party to HONOR those closest to you, and guests' comfort comes first at the reception [and after your ceremony, you WP members are guests], so why would you NOT let them sit with their significant others? You and your then H will be busy with mingling and greeting guests anyway. Please let your WP members enjoy the party with their dates.

SKPM · January 2013

In Response to Re:Groomsman's date seating:[QUOTE]Head tables that don't include s/o's are incredibly rude and hypocritical. The bride/groom that is insisting upon the WP dates being at another table is basically saying "Hey, you're really important to me and I want to show everybody that you're super important to me on a day that celebrates me and my "plus one" become a permanent thing! To do that, you can't sit with your own S/O for the. Yes, I know that all of the friends and family that I'm NOT choosing to honor on a day all about my own relationship get to sit with their s/o's at dinner, but I love you more than them, SO YOU CAN'T SIT WITH YOUR DATE!"Seriously. Does not compute. Posted by RamonaFlowers[/QUOTE]
This. Times 1000.

banana468 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmans-date-seating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:63aa37f8-62e4-4c58-bffd-15606d7d3f9ePost:3f5431c8-9ed1-48f7-abe3-267a056f913e">Re: Groomsman's date - seating</a>:
[QUOTE]After reading your post, I now too am wondering about the proper ettiquet of head table people and their SOs. My concern is I want a head table I think they look nice in photos, you get to be with the ones closest to you, etc. That being said, I'm not close to any of my bridal parties SOs so why would I want them in photos with us at the head table? Edit: This was more of a statement than anything.
Posted by Dchacha413[/QUOTE]

Because THEY are close to their SOs!

Is a photo really more important that basic courtesy?

Dchacha413 · January 2013

The reason I say something is because a few wedding party members literally have a flavor of the week, so the SO they have now or in two weeks may not be the same one coming to the wedding.

banana468 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmans-date-seating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:63aa37f8-62e4-4c58-bffd-15606d7d3f9ePost:4edc35bb-898e-4e44-badc-1c2b212f61a5">Re: Groomsman's date - seating</a>:
[QUOTE]The reason I say something is because a few wedding party members literally have a flavor of the week, so the SO they have now or in two weeks may not be the same one coming to the wedding.
Posted by Dchacha413[/QUOTE]

So? They'll be close to their SOs and should be seated with them. Would you want to be split from your groom?

Summer2011Bride · January 2013

If someone brings a date to a wedding, they should get to sit by their date. As long as you follow that guideline, you will be fine.

This could mean a large head table where they all sit. This could mean seat them together at a guest table and do a sweetheart for you and H. This could mean a King's Table where everyone sits. This could mean you and the groom also sit amongst guests at regular tables and seat your WP/SOs with you or at another table they would enjoy. All of those options are fine. The key is that in every option, WP members are not separated from SO/s dates. I don't care if they've dated two weeks; they're dating because they like each other, so why would they not want to sit together?

krckjm8 · January 2013

I think it's rude for him to expect to have special accomadations for her. They both should understand that if she is not in the wedding than she will have to sit with others. It is only one night, I think she can survive, and its not like its the whole time. Were talking ceremony (duh) and the frist part of the reception until everyone leaves their seats anyways. If you are doing seating chart then sit her with someone that you think she will be compatable with.

banana468 · January 2013

In Response to Re:Groomsman's date seating:[QUOTE]I think it's rude for him to expect to have special accomadations for her. They both should understand that if she is not in the wedding than she will have to sit with others.nbsp; It is only one night, I think she can survive, and its not like its the whole time. Were talking ceremony duh and the frist part of the reception until everyone leaves their seats anyways. If you are doing seating chart then sit her with someone that you think she will be compatable with. Posted by krckjm8[/QUOTE]

This is terrible advice.

msuprincess04 · January 2013

This is what we mean by treating the wedding party as props. The purpose of a head table is for your nice pictures. How can that not sound rude?

Edit: I should add, when I asked my Matron of Honor to be my MOH, she had the same requirement. I told her I wouldn't dream of splitting them up. It's a day to celebrate love and lasting relationships, of course I'd want her with her husband! We went to a wedding last year where her husband only knew me, and had only met me once. She was a bridesmaid and had to sit at the front table. But she didn't know anyone up there except for the bride and she was three seats down (with the brides sisters in between and they only talked to each other). She was horribly uncomfortable and lonely. Don't assume because someone is social that this won't be a problem. This is why sweetheart and other tables are the best. Though, my cousin put all the wedding party and their dates in a few tables set up in a square in the middle of the room. That way they were still the center of attention, but there was plenty of room for everyone.

missgreen77 · January 2013

I'm not sure how much help I could be, but....

We are inviting the wedding parties familes as well and their significant others will be sitting with their families. Ex (Best man's significant other will be sitting with the best man's Immediate family).

If you aren't close with the families of the wedding party and aren't inviting them... I've been to a wedding where my fiance was in the wedding party. They all sat at the head table without their dates, but they had a table for the significant others that was at the front near the head table. It wasn't awkward, and I was so close to the head table that i didn't feel alone at all. They simply called this table "Significant others' table". It was nice of the bride and groom to think of us and make a table for the significant others, so we didn't feel out of place.. we sat with others who probably felt the same.

Hope this helps!

banana468 · January 2013

In Response to Re:Groomsman's date seating:[QUOTE]I'm not sure how much help I could be, but....We are inviting the wedding parties familes as well and their significant others will be sitting with their families. Ex Best man's significant other will be sitting with the best man's Immediate family.If you aren't close with the families of the wedding party and aren't inviting them... I've been to a wedding where my fiance was in the wedding party. They all sat at the head table without their dates, but they had a table for the significant others that was at the front near the head table. It wasn't awkward, and I was so close to the head table that i didn't feel alone at all. They simply called this table "Significant others' table". It was nice of the bride and groom to think of us and make a table for the significant others, so we didn't feel out of place.. we sat with others who probably felt the same.Hope this helps! Posted by missgreen77[/QUOTE]

Let me get this straight, you're increasing your guest list in an effort to shirk your duty of seating SOs together?! The other example provided was atrocious. How awful to ostracize all the SOs at some extra table in the name of head table love.

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