First-Time Wedding Night Consummation Anxiety- any advice?

Re: First-Time Wedding Night Consummation Anxiety- any advice?

• heatherandjohn425

  

  August 2012

  While you can't take away the nerves, just remember you are marrying someone who has listened to you, and respects you enough to say it is okay to wait, pretty unheard of nowadays! If he listens to your heart that well, he will hear your spoken and unspoken fears too, just keep communicating, your nerves, your wants, and especially your needs lol and I am sure he will come through for you...the countdown is on, and we all need to remember to take a few breaths, and most of all enjoy this time...good luck!

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• Fluffernut

  

  August 2012

  I agree with PP.  Also, have you ever talked to a counselor about whatever old issues you mention?  Maybe it would be good to go talk to someone before your wedding day about your jitters regarding the wedding night.  Sometimes it helps to just get that out, but they could also give you coping mechanisms to deal with the jitters.  Good luck!

  
  Once upon a time, there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering.

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• Smooch711 member

  

  August 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_first-time-wedding-night-consummation-anxiety-any-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:98cc40c0-6897-467c-8e44-a397a6a9c6fbPost:96a678a5-7b21-404d-9a32-64ab2d7488aa">Re:FirstTime Wedding Night Consummation Anxiety any advice?</a>:
  [QUOTE]While you can't take away the nerves, <strong>just remember you are marrying someone who has listened to you, and respects you enough to say it is okay to wait</strong>, pretty unheard of nowadays! If he listens to your heart that well, he will hear your spoken and unspoken fears too, just keep communicating, your nerves, your wants, and especially your needs lol and I am sure he will come through for you...the countdown is on, and we all need to remember to take a few breaths, and most of all enjoy this time...good luck!
  Posted by heatherandjohn425[/QUOTE]
  
  Heather did a very good job here. I think the most important thing is what is highlighted. The only other thing I'd add is (and I know this is way easier said than done), try not to have any expectations (good or bad) going into the wedding night. Try to relax and enjoy the moment. Good luck!

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• volleygurl0306 member

  

  August 2012

  I have to agree with PP about maybe seeking a counselor.  You mentioned "old issues" retriggering.  Sex is not meant to be a traumatic experience but it seems like in the past it maybe has been for you (don't mean to pry, you don't have to share more details,  just how I interpreted).  I'm sure you don't want to project any ill feelings you have towards sex onto your new husband, so maybe talking to someone (with or without FI) can help you look at sex kindly. 
  
  It sounds like you have an outstanding, understanding, and patient man though!  I think you need to keep that in mind!  Speak to him before about your concerns.  One thing you want to make sure is that neither of you drinks too much as it could lengthen the duration he lasts (which since it has been a while for you could become uncomfortable) since he is desensitized and not to be graphic but will make you drier which could also be uncomfortable.  I think also, the more sober you both are the more you'll be in tune to one another. 
  
  Take some deep breaths.  I didn't wait for marriage but FI is the only person I've been with so my first time is still pretty fresh in my mind.  I was nervous at first but then I realized I was with someone who I trusted and who was respectful enough to wait for me to be ready.  Trust and respect mean so much to me that it alleviated all my nerves and made my first time not at all painful or uncomfortable. 

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• calindi member

  

  August 2012

  I would talk to him about being comfortable with the wedding night NOT being the first time - it's a lot of pressure to put on you both, especially on such an emotional day.  If you feel like giving it a try, then great, but set the expectation that maybe you'll wait a day or two until you're ready.  I know a friend of mine who was a virgin was paranoid about having sex on her wedding night, so much so that it was causing her stress, so her husband suggested putting it off a few days.  They did it the following morning when they woke up, which she said was perfect - she was relaxed and didn't feel pressure.
  
  And ditto the other ladies on talking to a therpist about 'old issues'.  Sometimes it's good to scrub off those emotional scabs so we can clean out the wounds underneath.

  
  
  
  
  
  

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• zoozoe

  

  August 2012

  Thank you everyone for your advice. Unfortunately I don't have enough time to see a counselor (nor the finances), so I'm pretty much on my own. My fiance knows I'm nervous and he isn't putting any pressure on me, but I know I need to face this soon. I'm definitely not comfortable consummating before the wedding (though we will be spending a night together on the road) but I don't want to put it off until after the elopement. I feel like that would be avoiding it.

  

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